Can GP help with stress. Living with autistic son

[Joesmum1981]

I am at my wits end. I have a son with autism who has had quite violent behaviour - just to me. He has repetitive thoughts, well things he can’t move on from and he wants to talk about them all day. How he was badly treated in his eyes. It’s all inaccurate but I try and empathise because otherwise things can escalate.

But I have got to the point where I can’t deal wit what he is saying. He is so self absorbed (probably due to the Autism) that you can’t have a rational argument with him. He just gets angry unless you agree with him. I don’t think i am depressed. But I think i am stressed to the point of snapping and walking out. - bit of course I can’t and won’t. I have younger children who I have to keep safe.

Is there any point in going to the GP. Can they help at all. I am involved in some asd type groups but the children there are so different with their issues that I feel quite alone.

Perhaps you could start looking at other options. Would a Monday to Friday placement work so you and the rest of the family could get a break? I have no doubt he has lots of wonderful qualities too.

Thank you all. I will try and find out about supported living. I think I thought that we would have to fund it. I don’t think he’s needy enough to get social care to fund though. I thought they would just say we have room to keep him st home.

But if there is a longer term plan then that would be something to cling to

There is probably a threshold to access support but you need to ask for the assessment and stress to them the worst days. Also its about him needing support as he moves into adulthood, support for independence and support with whatever comes next after college, if thats supported employment options or something different. He is entitled to an independent life, or as much as he can access. And he will need support with that

If you need medication in order to get through the day- then that's what you need.
Waking you up to rant is totally unacceptable. Are you scared of him lashing out at you if you are verbally corrective in any way?
He cannot continue with this behaviour towards you.

I think he would be entitled to supported living from what you describe

Ensure CAMHS and the college SENCO and GP have every detail of what’s happening and it’s effect on everyone. Keep reporting incidents as they happen and ask for support. Write it all down if easier so it’s documented.

Contact your local authority and explain your son is autistic and cannot live at home any more and they will need to take action because you are on a knife edge. The abuse and control is unbearable and he will have to leave but is a vulnerable adult so will need support. Tell them every detail of your lives and describe the impact on your whole family. Ask for an education, health and social care assessment.

@Joesmum1981

Thank you all. I will try and find out about supported living. I think I thought that we would have to fund it. I don’t think he’s needy enough to get social care to fund though. I thought they would just say we have room to keep him st home.

But if there is a longer term plan then that would be something to cling to

You have to talk about the worst days, unfortunately, not the best, not about his good qualities - of which I'm sure he has many - to get the help you need. I've discovered this, and it's horrific, but there's not another way with the ridiculously over-stretched services we have.

Do you have the funds to access any private support?

They needs to assess his needs and develop a care plan for him

I have been in a similar situation which caused me a lot of stress. The gp suggested i self refer through iapts and i had about 6 months of CBT which really helped me. Pm me if you like.

Yes spell the worst days out very clearly and in great detail. They will seize any chance to minimise expenditure and package offered.

Keep a bullet point diary for a week so they see how all the behavioural issues stack up to create a bigger picture and effect the family. Record what happened step by step, what triggered it initially and the repercussions for others/rest of the day.

And if you are able to, chose an example situation where you would respond to him as you do to your neurotypical children- and document the outcome.
Your entire life is treading on eggshells. You can't continue like this. Please reach out as the previous posters have indicated.
Definitely go to the GP as well. Get all the support you need.

Nothing to add beyond what others have said, except to wish you good luck in pushing for support from every service you can think of. Does he go to bed at night and sleep OK? If not, sleep clinic referral and potential.melatonin could help. Chase CAMHS, GP, council autism service, council SEN and adult support teams, the college's Senco, GP, the ed psych service the college use, any speech and language support he'd had... start asking about transition to adult services, independent living, etc.

IME services take you seriously once they've had referrals from multiple agencies but not until then.

Can you get him CBT? A lot of places are doing it on Zoom now. At least if you had a counsellor on board that would be an hour when he's moaning to someone else! It sounds truly awful, especially the sleep deprivation. Your council may have one of those schemes where people rent out a room to someone vulnerable and they are supported. Maybe you and he could break the cycle if you had space from each other.

Some organisations that could help you navigate this:

FamilyLine
0808 802 666
www.family-action.org

Mencap.org.uk
Linking to
Cyp.iassnetwork.org.uk/in-your-area/

Challenging behaviour.org.uk
0300 666 0126

I got the impression from your first post that you were looking for help for yourself, which ime is so hard to get, everyone you contact will try and offer help for your child.
I hope you get the help that you need for you to get through this, your health is just as important as your sons.

Speak to your GP. You need to speak to social services. You need a Care Assessment. You cannot be expected to put up with this, you need to put the responsibility on social services to sort this out. I know you might feel cruel but its the kinder thing to do for all your family. Ensure you get benefits advice for when he turns 18 as he won't count as part of your household so you won't be expected to fund him.

This sounds very difficult. I have a bit of experience of something similar. A close relative with dementia where their behaviour at home became very difficult. I am also a healthcare professional in primary care so I have seen this from both sides. My small bit of advice is this. Think very hard about what outcome you want for you and your son. You are at risk of “carer breakdown” here and I think you need to think hard about what you want to try and achieve. Do you want your son to be moved into specialist accommodation with carers or do you think you could manage his behaviour if your own mental health was in a better place. Once you are clear what you want you need to make that a priority. Social services in particular but also healthcare services are extremely pressured at the moment. You need to make sure you are a their number one case. That you are on their radar. This May mean you need to use phrases like - at my wits end, I can’t cope with this anymore. You need the relevant organisations to feel that you are close to not being able to provide care anymore so they may have a crisis on their hands. I would also speak to any charities that have specialist knowledge in this area. With my relative we had great advice from a charity.

Also definitely keep a behaviour diary. I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this already

This sounds horrendous. It does sound as though he needs a meds review - it's awful for all of you, including him.

That doctor who treated you like that when you were bruised is a disgrace and should be struck off.

If you wanted to watch a documentary about adult provision colleges and the process there's one on iPlayer called Harvey and me. Good luck OP, thinking of you

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. I have taken all your varied comments on board. I agree, that my main reason for starting this post was to see if it was reasonable to hope for some help for me from the GP, but lots of you have pointed out that I should be looking for longer term independent support for my son. I'm still not convinced that he would meet the criteria, but it seems sensible to raise it with the GP now before he turns 18 and I have fewer rights to talk about him. I don’t can't actually imagine him not living with us, and I think maybe it is an aspiration for longer term once he has finished college.

Hopefully now lockdown has eased and he is back in college I won't feel so overwhelmed by him being with us 24-7, and hopefully his hobby can restart which will also give him another focus.

I think it is really important to think far ahead (I say this as a mother of children with ASD and a husband who has sibling with ASD). Fostering independence and independent living is terribly important if it is possible, especially while you are here to support him in this. If anything happens to you, there will be an awful lot of pressure on your other children to take over this roll and it would be in everyone's best interests to make changes when you have the energy to manage them, and make them as sustainable as possible in the future. I also want to say, please, please take care of your health. I have unfortunately developed a chronic condition, certainly due to stress, which now means taking care of my DC is even more challenging...