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Original poster

my poor mum is dying

47 replies

jenjins · 14/10/2007 20:25

my poor mum is 59 and has battled with lung cancer for the past 2.5years and breast cancer 7 years ago. i have looked after her for such a long time that it hasnt really sunk in until we have some bad days and she is really ill. i feel the end is approaching and i now find it so hard to look at her as the thought of her going is heart wrenching. my ds who is 4 adores her and so does my dd who is nearly 13 months. what will i tell them? to think that my dd will not even remember her. this is such a cruel cruel disease...

OP posts:

3Ddonut · 14/10/2007 20:27

I'm so sorry to hear this, I don't really have any advice on what to tell your kids, maybe you should come to terms with it yourself first. Do you have any Macmillan nurse input?

3Ddonut · 14/10/2007 20:28

sorry, I've just read that back and it sounds terrible, I mean maybe you need to come to terms with it first yourself, does that sound better, I'm trying to be supportive and failing, sorry.

allhallows · 14/10/2007 20:28

Very sorry, jenjins. How brave you are! And your mum too. sending you all much love & sympathy.

mrsmerton · 14/10/2007 20:29

You poor thing. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. How lovely for your Mum though, to have a daughter that cares for her so much, and to be able to see her grandchildren. I bet that makes it a bit easier for her.

Write down everything you can about your Mum in a lovely book so you can share it with your children later on. Perhaps your Mum could add some thoughts too, if she is able.

Best of luck to you all x

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 14/10/2007 20:30

I am not really strong enough to talk to you about cancer and death as my father had his bladder removed last week and until we get the all clear on the lymph nodes I can not relax.

However this below is a very good way of explaining death to children.

Sorry I cannot be of more help.

A Parable

of Death As A Transition to A Better Afterlife

Stickney, Doris. Waterbugs and Dragonflies. New York : Pilgrim Press, 1982. (ISBN - 0829806091)

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?" Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. "That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second water bug. "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise," they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water. "I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went.

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air."

NAB3 · 14/10/2007 20:31

Oh God, I am so very sorry for you all.

WideWebWitch · 14/10/2007 20:31

Hello, sorry to hear this, it must be very hard. I think you should make sure you've said all you need to say to each other, that helped me a lot after my dad died (aged 59, lung cancer too), to think that we'd parted on the absolute best of terms.

Waswondering · 14/10/2007 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverRated · 14/10/2007 20:33

I'm so sorry

spookthief · 14/10/2007 20:34

I'm so sorry about your mum.

I hope you get some more good days so you can keep making happy memories.

kd73 · 14/10/2007 20:34

Jenjins, I am so very sorry to read your news. Keep strong (((((((hugs))))))))

suedonim · 14/10/2007 20:34

How sad. Wishing you strength to get through this, Jenjins.

InvasionOfThePoddySnatchers · 14/10/2007 20:35

i was in your situation two years ago...it is a very sad time for you and your mum. Have you any other family who are sharing the care? is she at home, and if so, can you get hospice help when you need it? Just make sure you give her all the support you can, prioritise it over everything else. Ask friends to have your kids so you can be with her as much as poss. sorry i know that's obvious.

My children were the same ages when Mum died. My son was very close to her, and remembers her but in a very matter of fact way. he was really unphased by me being upset too - he'd bring me tissues or get my dh when he found me crying, but it really didn't cause him difficulties, as he knew what was happening. don't worry about them too much.

ImBarryScott · 14/10/2007 20:37

I am so sorry for you and your family. it is so hard to see one you love in pain.

my mum died of cancer, but I was 20, and didn't have children. I can't imagine how hard it must be to tell DS and DD.

if your mum feels up to it, spend as much time with all the family together as you can. these will be precious times for your mum, and the memories will be precious for all the family too. could you take pictures of your mum and your DD together if your mum feels well enough?

I love mrs. merton's ideas about a book. I fully intend to use photos and stories so that my mother can be part of my daughter's life.

Original poster

jenjins · 14/10/2007 20:38

thanks everyone for your messages. we do have a lot of help from hospice nurses and docs and i also work at a surgery so do get lots of support. its evening like this when you have put the kids to bed etc and you want to do things with your mum and you suddenly think what about when its all over. i think i have arrived at certain stages of it all as i know have become to think that i just dont want her to suffer anymore..

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Original poster

jenjins · 14/10/2007 20:43

i do have other family caring but its me that knows what she wants and when medication she needs and what to say to doc and nurses when they ask her things. she doesnt have the mental strength to answer them correctly and sometimes cant remember. the book is a lovely idea and i have thought that i will need to take some more photos but i cant help thinking she knows what im doing! she also has spoken very little to me about dying and is a very closed person so i know she is very scared. sometime i hear her screaming in the night having nightmares. i suppose she is trying to protect me being her daughter.

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jajas · 14/10/2007 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamDaisy · 14/10/2007 20:43

jenjins, you poor thing ; it is awful watching someone you love deteriorate. my mum is also suffering from lung cancer and has steadily declined since her diagnosis 20 months ago, so you have my empathy. It is so very difficult, especially when she battled and overcame non-hodgkins lymphoma four years ago.

We've told our DC, 5 that nanna has poorly lungs, but that's about all, as she is still in reasonable health (akthough she is in a wheelchir and taking quite strog drugs for the pain). We will have to face telling him sooner rather than later just how ill she is. He remembers losing my dad two and a half years ago when he was just three. We find that talking about him a lot, and having lots of pictures around helps us to keep his memory alive. You may be surprised by how much your DD will remember.

talking to the macmillan nurses when she was first diagnosed was quite helpful, but as she is still with us, and in reasonable health with her medication it is sometimes difficult to remember that she doesn't have long with us.

we tend, as a family, to live each day as it comes and try not to dwell too much on the future, although Christmas will be hard this year as it will probably be her last.

sorry, that sounds a bit self absorbing, and not very much use on the advice front, but i hope it has helped to know that you aren't alone

CAT me if you would like to chat via e-mail.

Original poster

jenjins · 14/10/2007 20:50

thanks iamdaisy. i agree with taking each day as it comes. you have no choice but to. i hope she makes it to christmas but something is telling me otherwise. dont you find that is so tiring and mentally and emotionally draining when you think that they have mede it through the day. i am so pleased that she has been able to see my ds start school this september and probably get to see my daughter walk..

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onlyjoking9329 · 14/10/2007 20:56

so sorry to hear about your mum my heart goes out to you.i have just ordered some books for my three.
the mac nurses are very good at giving you ideas for how to talk to kids.
canerbacup have some booklets on talking to children and living with advanced cancer and lots of other things,

LittleMissNorty · 14/10/2007 20:57

I feel for you so much

I lost my FIL (to lung cancer) and my own father within a year of each other a couple of years ago.

They both passed on before I had children, but my DD will grow up knowing about her grandad's through books and photos

Photo's of your mum when she was well will be very precious to you....I got married just a few months before my dad went and I look at them all the time...

Hugs, love and sympathy to you all x

IamDaisy · 14/10/2007 21:01

I'm kind of removed from it a bit jenjins as we are about 250 miles away, so I don't see her as often as Id like. We did used to visit lots, but that has become more difficult now DS is at school. I try to get home as often as I can though, and I suppose I notice the change in her more for not seeing her daily like my sisters. she used to visit us every few months, but she is really too ill to travel by herself. My husband collected her and brought her to visit our 4 month old DD when she was only a few weeks old, which was great.

I feel terribly guilty though, that I'm not there helping my sisters and brother share her care.

Do you have brothers/sisters? or are you shouldering this yourself? It is so difficult.

Does she get any respite care? (not sure that is the correct terminolgy?). My mum goes to the day centre at the local hospice two days a week and it has made a huge difference to how she feels about herself. She was suffering from depression recently and this has brought her out of herself a bit more.

Original poster

jenjins · 14/10/2007 21:07

we all live together. my parents retired four years ago and gave us their house whilst they went to theirs abroad but since diagnosis they have come and gone. now she is too ill to go anywhere they stay here, so despite the illness there are also other issue that make living together extremely hard. i do get to be with her but i also dont get a break from it at all.she never wants to be a pain etc but it is very full on. she spent 9 days recently in the hospice for symptom control which really did sort it but was a struggle to get her there but they gave her her own room so she seemed more at ease about being in a hospice. dont blame her. every monday she has found some excuse not to go to day hospice but it is her way of dealing with it to act like its not really there. i honestly think she has no more words to say about it all..

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onlyjoking9329 · 14/10/2007 21:11

it is a rollercoaster, it's not just the hands on care that you have to do it is emotionally draining plus all the what ifs
the responsibility gets too big sometimes.
i am glad your mum is able to use the hospice.

Original poster

jenjins · 14/10/2007 21:15

i agree onlyjoking. its scary at first but they really know what they are doing and a such lovely warm people.

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