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Original poster

I've got genital herpes, and now hubby not talking to me

33 replies

ohgodnotme · 29/09/2007 10:21

Well the title says it all, for obvious reasons I have changed my name here, but.. I had a tooth out last Friday and was given antibiotics, surprise surprise I got thrush, but it was really sore. Took tablet and cream but it wasn't getting any better, also at weekend h had a cold sore (never had one before) had nookie.

By Wednesday realised not ordinary thrush and started googling, and on Friday went to Dr. Dr confirmed genital herpes and has given me tablets etc.

Dr explained that it could have been dormant for years no blame etc, but I feel dirty and ashamed. Have not had sex with anyone except dh since we got together 11 years ago, and I had always thought the same about him.

I had to babysit for a friend last night so didn't have a chance for a face to face talk with h, this morning he has not looked my in the eye, and has only spoken to me when he had to ie do I have to take my keys?

I feel soooo awful

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 29/09/2007 10:24

Oh, what a mess.

First of all, I think you can get oral herpes genitally, and vice-versa.

Do you think your DH has been unfaithful? Does he think you have been unfaithful? Can you point him at some neutral resources, talking about the dormant thing?

How is your relationship generally?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 29/09/2007 10:25

Oh poor you.
Isn't there a possibility he could have given it to you without knowing he had it? Wherever it came from, anyway, you have done nothing wrong. I can't remember how many people have it but it's a lot - try Googling - the statistics will probably make you feel better.

Original poster
ohgodnotme · 29/09/2007 10:27

I thought we had a good marriage, lots of sex etc, h odesn't deal with illness well he tends to hope it will just go away.

I was cheated on in a previous relationship, and I think this just makes me feel really insecure.

Think I will need to get him to look on the internet, but if it had beent he other way round,I would have done that last night, and would have been able to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
PummelDone · 29/09/2007 10:27

"I had always thought the same about him"

Does that mean that you now suspect him of sleeping with someone else ? If it can lay dormant in you, it can surely lay dormant in him ?! As far as I know, the genital herpes virus is the same as the oral herpes virus, they are both Herpes Simplex.

PummelDone · 29/09/2007 10:27

(sorry, I have an anagram name for today)

Original poster
ohgodnotme · 29/09/2007 10:28

Irrationally I want to chuck out all my underwear and buy new ones,

OP posts:
Original poster
ohgodnotme · 29/09/2007 10:29

In my heart I don't hink he has cheated, its just you feel so dirty.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 29/09/2007 10:29

Hmmm, if there's one thing I understand about relationships, it's this: one's DH is not one's self. He won't do things the way you would! Wouldn't it be dull if he did?

This is a messy problem, you both are going to (understandably) twitch about fidelity, and you're both struggling with a new illness (which is 'permanent' - although, fwiw, I gather a lot of people only ever have one attack) ... can you talk it through with anyone, together or separately (professional or otherwise)? Does he have any friends who he can talk to about this?

NotQuiteCockney · 29/09/2007 10:31

Both cold sores and genital herpes are herpes virus, but cold sores are (generally) type 1, genital is (generally) type 2. (type 3 is shingles/chicken pox, 4 is epstein-barr ...)

Original poster
ohgodnotme · 29/09/2007 10:31

He has lots of friends, but as a man,don't think he would talk to any of them about it.

Thanks for your support guys, for me i just need to talk it out

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 29/09/2007 10:31

He may just need to mull it over a bit?

Original poster
ohgodnotme · 29/09/2007 10:32

Yes I think so, thanks

OP posts:
dizzydance · 29/09/2007 10:51

Exactly the same thing happened to my sister. They have been married for years and she got herpes and was in utter shock. She hadn't been unfaithful and was quite sure he wouldn't. They talked it through with the doctor. Her dh had had a coldsore and the doctor said it would have been caused by her dh giving her oral sex while he had a cold sore. It can recur once you have had it once but she has been fine ever since.
The same sort of thing happened to me. After I had been with dh a year or so he got genital warts. I went through the same thing, has he slept around and so on. He was gutted and thought I would leave him. I went to the clinic to be checked out as well on Drs advice in case I had caught them - I hadn't. But the dr told me dh could have caught it years ago as it lays dormant for years as well.
I can understand how you feel but your dh should chat to the dr and he would explain it to him. Also if you have slept together maybe he should be checked. My sister dh was and was fine.

KerryMum · 29/09/2007 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

metooo · 30/09/2007 10:07

Remember you are not the only one. I also have herpes, it takes a while to get your head around the fact that it is always there. You may be lucky and never have a repeat attack. Please book an appointment at your local GUM clinic they will have a counsellor or a nurse you can talk through all your concerns and fears and ways to manage your herpes.

metooo · 30/09/2007 10:12

I copied this from the other herpes on back thread this is really good advice:

Taking Lysine tablets can shorten the duration of an attack - or eat lots of chicken and eggs and avoid chocolate, nuts and caffiene!

Take care

Original poster
ohgodnotme · 30/09/2007 10:51

thank you, do you buy lysine tablets over the counter? refraining from chocolate maybe harder than the actual herpes!

dh (yes Dh) is not good with dealing with things and I should know this by now

OP posts:
KerryMum · 30/09/2007 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

metooo · 30/09/2007 16:49

you can get lysine tablets from the health food shop. I love my coffee so still indulge. Also, as this is your first attack it will never be as painful or sore as what you have currently been experiencing. Don't get me wrong it does always hurt but never as much as the first time. And YOU ARE NOT DIRTY, it is a virus you were just unlucky like I was and Like many others are... I hope that helps.

Flamesparrow · 30/09/2007 17:09

You could really do with the doctor telling you which type it is - if it is type 1 or 2.

I spoke to the herpes helpline a while back (DS had it in his mouth, and then we thought it may have transferred to his bits etc). The woman on the helpline explained about the different types, and that although it can be transferred from the mouth to the genitals, it is unlikely to recur in the wrong areas - so your outbreak now would be type 1 camping out in a type 2 area, unlikely to return because it prefers the type 1 places and environment.

Does that make sense?

The woman could have been talking gibberish to me, or me taking it in wrong because I was a tad hysterical about my baby boy having herpes

Flamesparrow · 30/09/2007 17:10

The helpline was great though - it isn't manned by professionals, just real people with herpes who offer support

prettybird · 30/09/2007 17:17

If it helps, I once got Herpes sores on my nipples/aureola . I was between boyfriends at the time and not sexually active, so I have no idea how I got it. It must have been dormant there for a while. I've never even suffered from cold sores on my face.

I've since had a couple of recurrances (still on the nipple area), but touch wood, not for about 10 years.

Still a mystery as to where the infection came from.

elesbells · 30/09/2007 17:25

flame is right, mouth sores is type 1 and genital is type 2. usually only one outbreak in each others area.
you really should have swabs or blood test to find out which it is.

KerryMum · 30/09/2007 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Susianna · 30/09/2007 18:41

Poor you, yes, once you know which type it is, you will have a better idea where it may have come from.

I had a boyfriend once who told me before we slept together that he had 'H' as it is sometimes known. I didn't mind too much - yes, a bit unnerved but after doing some research I found that it was only likely to occur once if at all, and if we used durex we should be Ok.

I did ditch him a few months later but not because of that, it was because he was a knobhead

I never contracted the virus - well as far as I know

Oh and he had only ever had one attack, years before, and I think you can only get it if there are active lesions within a day or two. So I think I'd have known about that.

Best of luck with it, pet

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