Me too, I am
Every word. I feel so hopeless sometimes. My self worth is so tired up in what I look like. Ridiculously so.
Very critical mother, the endless "you could have a boyfriend if you'd just lose weight" "you have such a lovely face..."
In those sentences I heard what is wrong with me. I'd binge on crisps and shove them behind my headboard. I remember clearly, coming home one day and my mum had found all the wrappers and left them lying on my bed for me to see. That feeling of shame has never left me.
Mother was permanently dieting, and very pass remarkable about people's weight, marvelling at those who had successfully lost the pounds and regaling their stories to me.
She still looks me up and down and I still default to that feeling of being not enough. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.
I married a man who shamed me too. He wouldn't have sex with me because I let myself go (after two c sections). I felt awful and so very sad.
I had a breakdown five years ago. I left him 6 months after I went back to work.
Sorry for the essay. I feel so tired of sitting on the sidelines, second guessing every scenario with strategies to minimise myself and be invisible. It's been a success and an unmitigated disaster in equal measure.
Yes it's my doing that I'm still fat. I guess I don't believe I'm worthy. I yearn to be accepted and cherished by someone special and an gradually realising that person is me.