Desperate for help any mental health experts/GPs/CPNs out there?

[ChangedMyMind]

I have suffered from low key depression since childhood and have had psycotherapy in the past which has helped. I know much of my depression issues come from a very unhappy childhood etc.

Current problem is that I look foward nothing, I do not enjoy my children, I never "feel" happy not even in passing. This week I have flipped out several times at the dc, they have been smacked, threatened, screamed at etc

I want them to go to a new family where they are loved and enjoyed and to not live with someone who is always so unhappy. I feel emotionally detached from them, I can't cope with critiscism, I struggle with other people generally I feel completely disliked by all the adults I know - friends have family that they "belong" to I don't have contact with my family anymore (which has improved things).

The rage/anger/hurt/pain always seems to be there under the surface waiting for when I'm coping least.

72 hours later from it started to really escale it's improving/calming back down.

Is this depression, can anti depressants help as in the past they never did.

I am tired of making the effort all time to come across as being okay when I hate myself and feel like a failure all time. I regret having dc as they have to live with someone like me and it's cruel.

oh how awful for you.

think you need to talk to your GP ...or social services, you def need some support,

are you a lone parent. or do you have a partner

have you had a cpn involved before?

I have a partner and I would say we mostly have a positive relationship. When asked if I love him the honest answer is "I don't know" but then I feel so little for my dc that is not surprising.

I had a cpn who referred me for more pyscotherapy which I had, that ended about 2 years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if I just have sociopath tendencies or I am just so cut off from all my emotions that they've gone for ever.

I don't want to go to my gp mainly because I don't see the point, also if 3 years of therapy hasn't helped enough then would anything else really make a difference.

I want to sream and shout at the world how I hate everything and everyone, including myself. I hate being this unhappy and I hate knowing that my children will probably end up with depression too because they will have learnt it from me.

My God. That could have been my post in most parts.

I meant the first post.

I think you should try to see your GP as soon as possible.
You poor thing, you can't let this situation carry on for long.
Is there anyone who can take the kids for an afternoon to let you have a little bit of time to yourself - even if it is just to cry or mope or both !

Don't just try to muddle on.

Ask for some support.

Take care

I am a regular btw at least I feel close to tears at the moment which is preferable to wanting to hurt everyone around me which is what the last 2 days have entailed. Sometimes I seethe anger soo much and it's usually directed at the dc

what does time to myself achieve - nothing, only that they get away from me it doesn't change anything

This situation has been my life to date, I don't loose it to the extent of screaming & hitting that often (can't remember last time so must have been months agao at least) but the nasty/impatient/untolerent edge is there most of the time.

I will check this thread this evening when hopefully someone in the know may be around.

sounds as if you may well be suffering from depression.
The problem with any form of counselling is theat sometimes you need to be at a stage where you are more accepting of it to have any benefit, thats often where antidepressants come in. They will often help lift your mood, so that you are at a stage where counselling would be beneficial.
CBT may well be a help to you as well.
Please go and talk to your GP, how about asking to see a female GP if thats any better.

well you say in the past that antids didn't help - you know, there are ALL sorts of different ones. Not every one suits every person - it may be a case of trying a different type.

Perhaps you could ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist - I think they have a more indepth knowledge of medication.

Perhaps that and some new counselling would help you get started?

But I agree, start with the GP.

Sorry CMM I didn't mean to irritate. I just meant that some time to yourself my relieve the pressure from bursting point with your kids.

Bizarre question but are you on the pill?
I found that the pill I had taken before pregnancy was totally unsuitable afterwards. It made me a raging/crying/shaking mess.

I think a lot of weird stuff happens to your hormones etc in pregnancy and it doesn't just slot back in afterwards.

If you are on the pill, try asking your GP to change that.
It has helped me (although not 100% sure I've found the right one yet).

I agree with littleboo that CBT may be the most helpful thing you can get now. But that's either a huge long wait or private.
Your GP is the first stop for all these things.
Sorry this is just an amateur view, but a sympathetic one.

Have you looked at the MIND link about diet and depression?
here

CMM,
I agree that you should start with your GP. There are different sorts of therapy and anti-depressants that can help. I would suggest a referral to psychiatry, via your GP, they are experts in medication. If you are having problems with your sleep or appetite, the medication will help.

Give the drugs time to work and be aware of the side-effects that often wear off after 10 days or so.

Also, if you got on well with your CPN, contact them again. It can help knowing there is someone around who understands.

Use general distraction techniques,i.e have the radio/tv on to distract yourself from the negative thinking.

Call in favours from friends, talk to a good friend or here on mumsnet.

If you feel you are taking it out on the kids, put a video on for them; go into another room, remind yourself this is the depression causing you to feel and act this way.

You are not a sociopath or anything like that, the very fact that you are worried and posting here shows that you care for your family.

Try to keep a routine as best you can even when you feel everything is a massive effort.

I hope you can use some of this advice. It is easy to give but very difficult to put into practise when you are depressed. Do one thing at a time, start with your GP, then CPN.
I really hope things begin to change for you soon.

ChangedMyMind

Everything you are describing about your thoughts and feelings is typical of depression. The not being able to enjoy things, feeling low, feeling angry, feeling a failure - these are classic symptoms of depression. Feeling emotionally detached is too, and does NOT mean that you are unable to feel, or have something wrong with your personality. Depression is a very powerful illness, but it is an illness. It can be hard, when you have it, to know where the depression ends, and you begin. But a lot of the thoughts and the feelings you are having are likely to be the depression speaking. If you get help with that, you will feel differently. You will feel better.
It is good that you've had help before. Psychotherapy isn't one of those things that you do once, and that;s that, it's DONE. Therapy is often a cyclical thing - people often need to have 2 or 3 or sometimes more 'batches', because each time new things come up. Like peeling layers of onion.
And I'd agree with what others have said about medication being a good first step. If your mood is very low, it will be difficult for you to think, and to find the energy to engage in therapy. Antidepressants could give you that little step up to being able to start to do those things. Don't worry if you've not found them heelpful before - it is a case of finding the right drug, and the right dosage for you, and if you think your GP isn't confident about trying different meds, ask for a referral to a mental health team.
Just by posting this thread, you are making a step in the right direction. You deserve to feel better about yourself.
I really wish you well/ and hope some of this helps..

well done it takes courage to post heartfelt emotional experience/narrative
imo - see your GP and have a long talk about what being happening for u - and candidly reflect

try to be realistic
honest about setting goals/objectives/outcomes
engage in purposeful activities that are meaningful to you
anti-depressants do work, give em time
talking therapies too
most of all raise your self esteem by really taking a deep breath and thinking i-am-a-good-person..cos u are

kind regards

Thanks for your responses. Things have some to a head this afternoon - I had been much calmer but ended up abandoning dp & dc in a car park after having screamed and shouted at all of them.

I do wonder if it is a mixture of depression and PMT/hormonal issues combined but tbh I have rages etc for as long as I can remember but then I guess puberty starts around age 10.

I did try several "top" drugs for lengthy periods when I had a near breakdown 7 years ago and truly they didn't help and the side affects were bad - I just wasn't with it being the worst.

Dp and I will talk tonight and I'll try and force myself the the gp in the hope he will refer me back to the community health team.

My big question is can depression cause such anger and rages and just not connecting and caring. Dp was heartbroken/crying when I eventually came home but I just feel nothingness.

depression can cause blunted affect so yes characterised by impaired/diminished reaction to emotional events caused by chemical imbalance in seretonin uptake receptors in your brain, hence development of anti-depressants

but positively this is usually treatable

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Thank you.

Unfortunately I have been exercising for the last 6 months, am involved in the local community, I meditate, walk to do the school run (at least an hour a day sometimes 2 hrs) so get fresh air/sun. I will read it look at my diet etc.

A big factor is that I've not been confiding in my partner so I've been internalising everything again. It just feels never ending and the hatred I feel towards my children at times makes me

You seem to know yourself pretty well, and know that the not confiding thing is a big factor - that seems really important. It is one of those vicious circles with depression, isn't it, the isolating yourself and then feeling more detached and isolated. Talking to him may well be an important step in breaking that cycle.
Remember that all of this stuff takes time tho, and don't be despondent if things don't start to change straight away. Hang in there.

CMM, I too have felt that anger and rage at my gorgeous ds' and the worst was that I knew that once the rage had come on, the rest of the day with them would be with me being awful to them. After the anger came the numbness where I just didn't give a sh1t about anything or anyone, including them.

I know that this is because I am ill with depression but now I am on medication which helps to some extent. The thing which drove me to the phychiatrist was the way that I would be with the children. I didn't care about anything but I did want to stop being so nasty to the boys.

I hope this answers your question about the rage as it's certainly been my experience of depression. I can also recognise so much of what you say - that I will never get better so what's the point, that I am awful as a mother (I wanted to go back to work so that the children would be looked after by someone rational and better than me).

Here's to hoping we both beat it.

I was referred to the mental health team by my dr and it was decide that psychology would be an option for me to try. I was on Ad's at the time, hated my son (I couldn't bear him near me) since he was born, had awful thoughts about him. I never wnated to harm myself, just walk out the door and never come back. The rage against everything was imense and something that I had never felt before but was all consuming. I remember one journey to my b/f's mums house where ds was screaming in the back of the car and I was screaming along at him...

The ad's calmed me a little, the psychology helped me to talk through things that were in my head ( I too had awful parents) I found the thing that helped me the most was to write what I was feeling down. I have an exercise book that is mine and full of my ramblings, my anger but above all my feelings. I write and then ask dh to read through certain parts as I couldn't talk to him without being too emotional, angry etc. Writing for me gave me a chance to say what I wanted without anyone interupting or questioning why I felt as I did.
I dated the extracts and could slowly see progress as my thoughts became less 'ranty' and more ordered.

I worked out I had triggers for my depression/anxietes and soon dh, my psychologist were able to plan for new situations and things have slowly improved.

The most important thing I have learned is to separate my depressed feeling from ordinary feelings. I am prgt atm and are terrifed of it all coming back and me not wanting this ds as I didn't the other (I am like a lioness with him now ) but I do know that a lot of my worries are the same worries andy prgt woman has.

I still write in my book when I need to but I do find the fuel behind the anger is gone. My dh has a new understanding of me and I think this has helped him help me.

I've come back to this thread because really things are just the same.

Recently have been through a whole lot of new antidepressants, even the GP agreed we'd given them a good do and they didn't help.

I don't get angry so much anymore but life is either trying not to cry, indifference or I am completely high - only something I've just recognised.

When I'm high life is just so fantastic I'm on top of the world, the rest of the time I just wish I was dead.

Now I've realised that I get extreme highs (and looking back I realise I always did) I don't even enjoy them anymore because I'm just waiting for the crash.

I have everything in life that anyone could want, I simply wish that I had never survived childhood.