Desperate for help any mental health experts/GPs/CPNs out there?

[ChangedMyMind]

I have suffered from low key depression since childhood and have had psycotherapy in the past which has helped. I know much of my depression issues come from a very unhappy childhood etc.

Current problem is that I look foward nothing, I do not enjoy my children, I never "feel" happy not even in passing. This week I have flipped out several times at the dc, they have been smacked, threatened, screamed at etc

I want them to go to a new family where they are loved and enjoyed and to not live with someone who is always so unhappy. I feel emotionally detached from them, I can't cope with critiscism, I struggle with other people generally I feel completely disliked by all the adults I know - friends have family that they "belong" to I don't have contact with my family anymore (which has improved things).

The rage/anger/hurt/pain always seems to be there under the surface waiting for when I'm coping least.

72 hours later from it started to really escale it's improving/calming back down.

Is this depression, can anti depressants help as in the past they never did.

I am tired of making the effort all time to come across as being okay when I hate myself and feel like a failure all time. I regret having dc as they have to live with someone like me and it's cruel.

does your gp know about the cycle of highs and lows? that sounds more like bi-polar disorder and woud require different treatment to depression without the highs...

sorry to read that things are still so hard. have you seen a psychiatrist as well as Gp?

What you are describing has some similarities to bipolar II. Confide in your doctor and get referred to a psychiatrist. A GP is a generalist - you haven't been helped so far by them, you need more specialist input.

You have lots of excellent good points - wanting to do your best for your children being a very big one!
Do you have times when you think everything will be OK and then it all falls apart again?
I dont want to seem trite but have you checked yourself out for Aspergers? Find out online and then tell the doc if it comes up with a yes.
It can be a blessed relief to put a label on what is wrong. Knowing what you (quite naturally) are not wired for will put everything in perspective. Like "I am short so of course I can't reach that shelf". Simples.
And you will find lots to laugh at!!!

Sorry to hear things are still so very hard. I agree with the others. Get back to the GP and ask for a referral to the CMHT. Not responding to multiple anti-depressants and having "highs" as well as lows are red flags for mood disorders such as cyclothymia or one of the bipolar affective disorders. A mood stabilising medication may well be more likely to help than anti-depressants if this is the case. Even if they don't think you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis it sounds like you need some ongoing support so a CMHT referral is a good idea. Good luck xx

I've looked at bi-polar a few times and I don't meet the criteria

I've looked at ASD (again a few times) and I come out about 50% but I look at it and realise that actually I have no friends because I just don't fit but I don't think I'd score highly enough to get a diagnosis. Some of my not fitting is down to my highs which I can see now and that people think I'm happy and ok when I'm just not.

I wrote to my gp to I had a high that lasted about 36 hours and really for the first time recognised how insanely happy I felt despite the fact I had acted and felt completely shitty just beforehand. I then spoke to her and it's changed nothing I have been triaged by the mental health service and am top priority for some sort therapy, no referral to elsewhere - apparantly the highs are typical of depression.

I was referred to the triage service back in the summer, I've had 2 telehone assessments.

I work and have little time off therefore I am deemed to be okay but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

All I can see ahead is a lifetime of being like this, I feel I contaminate everyone I get close to and help ruin their lives. The realisation that I will never have proper frienships or a family (my eldest has already moved out to live with her Dad because of our very poor relationship) just makes me think what is the point.

Highs are not normally thought of as typical of depression, afaik. There can be various different presentations of bipolar. Emotionally unstable personality disorder is another possibility. I think you need to see a psychiatrist to discuss diagnosis and useful treatments in depth. Keep on badgering the GP/CMHT.

What scummymummy says. There can be various different presentations of bipolar. You need to be referred to a specialist. You might find it useful to get an advocate; www.mind.org.uk/help/rights_and_legislation/mind_guide_to_advocacy#When

This is what confuses me.

Earlier today I just felt so awful awful awful, now hours later I feel ok, just ashamed and silly for letting my emotions get out of control.

If bi-polar is just chemicals not working properly then how did I go through a period of time when generally things were calmer? Is it just a case of when things in life happen that most people would cope with okay that I can't, that I over react to things and I can't control that over reaction?

I often have 2 parallel conversations going on in my head - 2 views of the same event, I'm never sure which view is the reality? One I'd say is my emotional response I supppose how I really feel about it, the other is very much a rationalised one but it then completely invalidates my feelings.

If I can fill my days with stuff to do, long lists keep myself busy then I don't have as much opportunity to obsess/worry/feel but underneath all of that it's all still there brewing away...

Does any of that make sense?

I just feel like I live on a complete emotional roller coaster, I no longer committ to doing things because too often I have agreed to do stuff and when it comes to the crunch I can't cope with it. This effectively means I will not progress in my career. I just see nothing but a constant loop of how my life is now.

Now because I'm writing about it I'm starting to feel crap about it all again.

I can relate to your experiences. I personally think that you can't 'pigeon hole' mental illness. While there are extereemes which can be 'diagnosed', I think allot of the patterns of behaviour, thoughts and traits can just become part of how you are thinking. Some days I feel so sad. Others I feel normal. Others I feel fine. I just accept it now. Anxiety over loss has always been my big problem and I just slowly trying to tackle it myself. I had councelling after my DD had to go through allot of treatments and operations as a baby and that was a good starting point, but overall I have found that concentreting on the 'how to cope', in a practical way rather on the 'why am I like this' has been much more helpful. When I feel my anxiety taking over. I used it to take practical steps and try very hard not to let it consume me. Then I let it pass. When I have extereemes of mood. I just go with it. I accept it as part of me and cash in on it where ever I can,. It feels much more liberating and I am happier for it. There may not be a diagnosis out there. Self acceptance can be a good starting point. When I have a particually dark mood, I now accept it and indulge it with music/painting/late night walks/writing. I know it will pass and it does.
This may not make any sense. It I just wanted to suggest an alternative/additional route to the medical one. All the best and you are very far from being alone with these moods and feelings. x x

Just one final point:

You could argue that our 'inner voice' or 'inner person' is simply the result of our genetics and experiences. Neither of these can be changed. But we can choose to follow ideas and alter our perceptions in the NOW. I really think that the quest 'to be happy' is counterproductive because happiness is spontanious and it is individual. When you ask yourself "why aren't I happy?" or "what can I do to feel happy?" it can potentially just re-afirm everything that is causing the negative feelings. Draw a line under it all. Self acceptance - of who you are, what you have experience, how you feel. It is kind and contructive - When you are kind to yourself, it undermines all the negative thought patterns which you may find were all part of a sad, pointess, distructive cycle.