So if your partner was diagnosed with cancer etc that meant an unclear future would you concentrate on enjoying everyday whilst you can or would you work your butt off to ensure financial security for your kids?

[Wills]

When dh's cancer first came back a few years ago (it had never occured to us it wasn't a one off blip sort of thing) we re-examined our lives, and changed to ensure we did things today and not put off until tomorrow. We moved house to raise our kids by the sea in a lovely house in a lovely place. I gave up being a working mum in the city (and the salary that came with it) to focus on raising our 3 kids (much to my dh's complete delight). Life is currently wonderful. But dh's cancer is not predictable, he could live to be 100, equally it could go pear shaped and he could be gone from our lives by the end of this year (although this is not a strong possibility). We have a large mortgage and of course no life insurance as they wont touch dh with a barge poll. Neither of us want to leave our wonderful house (dh adamently doesn't want to) but I'm scared. To loose my dh, the kids their father and our home all in one go is seriously worrying me. A friend's father had the same cancer and it went pear shaped and he died within 3 weeks of discovering that it had gone wrong. One solution is that we sell up and downgrade, but why if he were to live for another 40 years? Another solution is that I work again. This is the bit I'm unsure of. To earn serious money I'd have to return to the city which is 2 hours commute away. I wouldn't see the kids, and they wouldn't see me. I've been seriously looking around for a job to fit around my kids but given that my ds is only just 1 years old there's nothing around that would pay enough to cover childcare and to make a reasonably dent in the mortgage so there seems no point. I've been considering starting up my own business running a cafe at a dance school but the hours would be 4 to 9 every weekday evening just as my kids once again need me. I could hire a nursery assistant to watch over them at the cafe and I could build an area to make their own but whilst I would oversee them they wouldn't have instant access to me. So do I give up enjoying watching my kids grow up for the sake of financial security or do I say sod it we'll deal with what happens when it happens.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Wills my love, I wouldn't go back to the city in your position. I think you're taking the right approach. So I would live for the moment, do my best to stop worrying about the house etc in the future (you could downgrade then IF you had to but you don't HAVE to now).

So I'm in the sod it camp.

Hi www. Nice to see you. All well with your family?

I agree its tempting to go down the sod it route. Why give up bliss but I'm such a worrier!

Yes, I agree with www. Have a wonderful life now with dh and dc. If circumstances change, then think about downgrading/getting a job.

Take care xx

Wills we are great thanks
I think it was John Diamond who said something like 'look around at your family and enjoy them, stop thinking about the future because sometimes this is as good as it gets, right now.' I think of this quote often.

I think until you are in the position where you have to face these kinds of decisions it's impossible to know what you would do so I'm not sure that I can help.

However, my initial reaction is that if disaster strikes your life will be completely turned upside down, whatever preparation you have made so if you are able to continue enjoying the life you currently have you should. So I guess it depends on how much worrying about the future is stopping you enjoying the present and whether any of the changes you are contemplating will change this.

I think whatever you do, you should not sacrifice your happiness in the here and now - as you know more than others, the present is all we can know that we have for sure.
Having said that, I do keep an eye on the future and do my best to plan for later (pension etc) - but never to the point that my day to day contentment is compromised.
That's not a very decisive answer is it? But no, I definitely wouldn't give up the home you love. You may want to work at some point anyway (or you may not) - but don't just do it for money.

I think WWW is right - none of us know what is around the corner but life is for living.

I would carry on as is.

Dh has a terminal diagnosis

We have done the following.

Sorted out all the life policies, death in service benefits etc.

Set up investments for the money, when dh dies.

I have moved to a part time contract, to spend more time with dh and the kids. Also to allow be to help organise treatment etc. This was done on the understanding that I will move back onto full time work after dh dies. At whick point we will need the money more, and I will need things to occupy my time.

My advice would be to plan for the worst, and live for the best. Keep as many options open that you can, depending on the circumstances at the time

HTH

I personally would downgrade in a nice way. I wouldn't be working my arse off.

BUT (and I genuinely say this with no bitterness, I made my bed myself and will lie in it etc) I have never really had anything to downgrade from. So I don't know how that would feel. If you feel that for you and your family, it would be a really bad thing to downgrade, then I could see why you wouldn't want to.

I think MB's advice 'plan for the worst, live for the best' can't be bettered, really. Sends shivers down my spine, though.

Sorry, forgot to add that I am very sorry about dh's cancer.

Poor you. I don't think anyone can decide for you. I don't think I would ever be with a man who would prefer me not to work as they'd know how important that was to me and the family so I would not be in your position but if I were I would think about my obligations to the children, to pay their school fees, university costs etc as well as my obligations to spend time with a husband whilst he still had time. As politically and in terms of happier families I think usually woemn should work full time and almost in many cases have a moral obligation to do so it would be no contest to me ut this is whyt it's a completely personal decision for you, your husband and your children based on how you are , not how I am.

Plenty of women commute, have a high salary and a very happy family life too but if that wasn't for you then that's not going to change if circumstances change. However do bear in mind children and how they change. Teenagers often do better in cities with things to do, job opportunities etc and it's good to move them before they are too settled in an area.

mb you and your dh are an inspiration.

you are thinking too much. Live for the moment. Enjoy your lives....

(Some of us don't have any financial security and can do only that! So we can either live miserable lives worrying about our kids' future and the great unknown or we can bring up our children in the best way we can, while stressing to them the importanceof thework ethic and paying their own way int he world..)

Good luck and best wishes for the future x

mb, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how does your dh feel about the planning ahead? I often wonder how this side of things affects the person who is going to die.

i think MB says it all really
plan for the worst, and live for the best.
we have avery uncertain future, we are doing what we can, when we can, we have enough money to pay off the mortgage we do have life insurance, it's just holiday insurance we can't get.

It's very hard for me to put yourself in your position but as I am a SAHM and sometimes play cycnical scenarios out in my head, I can guess what I might do in your sad circumstances.

I would not go back to working in the city. I would pursue a business idea or some way of working for yourself or retrain. You don't need to do it now, but set the wheels in motion and have a plan to execute in a few years time. If the worst happened suddenly, whilst your children are still pre-schoolers, could you take in a lodger, or, as you live in a nig house by the sea, could you take in a foreign student and help to pay the mortgage that way in the short-term.

I'm very sorry that your husband has cancer.

Wills, if it were me in your situation I would put family life before work as much as possible. In the future you won't regret some years missed in the office but you would regret precious time with your husband and children.

Are you living the way you are because you think the cancer might come back. Or because it's the way you want to live? Good luck with whatever you decide.

Plan for the worst live for the best is fantastic advice I think.

Apologies for typos.

If this happened to us, I would cut back on my hours to spend time with dh. You only live once and money is not everything. People get by on surprisingly little and having to downsize is not the end of the world. What you cannot ever replace is the time that you have with the people you love who are taken from you prematurely... Bit sentimental, I know, but I am not a materialistic person, although I am lucky enough to have a reasonably good income.

Thanks ladies. MB, many hugs to you. Its weird but I 'know' he will die from it but not when iyswim. So plan for tomorrow and live for today. But plan in what way. When I left work I accepted redundancy and was given a lump sum that could be used as a deposit on a flat. This is what I'd like to do because it would lock some money away that in the future might make the difference in terms of the mortgage that would mean we could keep the house. He meanwhile wants to do the house (I like it as it is) and buy a bigger car (not necessarily newer) whereas I'm happy to downgrade to a bigger but older one. He wants a holiday that doesn't involve our tent and I've refused. He's working hard and whats to 'live it up' far more than I do. I'm pulling the belt in and watching the finances etc.

Wills and MB - can I just say that you are both amazing, and amazingly strong.....and very humbling......puts my trivial little issues into perspective.