So if your partner was diagnosed with cancer etc that meant an unclear future would you concentrate on enjoying everyday whilst you can or would you work your butt off to ensure financial security for your kids?

[Wills]

When dh's cancer first came back a few years ago (it had never occured to us it wasn't a one off blip sort of thing) we re-examined our lives, and changed to ensure we did things today and not put off until tomorrow. We moved house to raise our kids by the sea in a lovely house in a lovely place. I gave up being a working mum in the city (and the salary that came with it) to focus on raising our 3 kids (much to my dh's complete delight). Life is currently wonderful. But dh's cancer is not predictable, he could live to be 100, equally it could go pear shaped and he could be gone from our lives by the end of this year (although this is not a strong possibility). We have a large mortgage and of course no life insurance as they wont touch dh with a barge poll. Neither of us want to leave our wonderful house (dh adamently doesn't want to) but I'm scared. To loose my dh, the kids their father and our home all in one go is seriously worrying me. A friend's father had the same cancer and it went pear shaped and he died within 3 weeks of discovering that it had gone wrong. One solution is that we sell up and downgrade, but why if he were to live for another 40 years? Another solution is that I work again. This is the bit I'm unsure of. To earn serious money I'd have to return to the city which is 2 hours commute away. I wouldn't see the kids, and they wouldn't see me. I've been seriously looking around for a job to fit around my kids but given that my ds is only just 1 years old there's nothing around that would pay enough to cover childcare and to make a reasonably dent in the mortgage so there seems no point. I've been considering starting up my own business running a cafe at a dance school but the hours would be 4 to 9 every weekday evening just as my kids once again need me. I could hire a nursery assistant to watch over them at the cafe and I could build an area to make their own but whilst I would oversee them they wouldn't have instant access to me. So do I give up enjoying watching my kids grow up for the sake of financial security or do I say sod it we'll deal with what happens when it happens.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I can see the different attitudes. I know three or four people who have lost a partner in their 40s, sadly. One his wife had cancer on and off for about 12 years and they couldn't get life cover for her. He kept up his busy job but they did have some holidays together when she was ill and they were glad of that. Another went party time/became a consultant so they could spend more time together and he had time to care for her but they have no children which is very different. Another they both worked full time until she was too ill and in her case she actually left her money to the children, not himj, in trust with her family managing it to pay school fees (she wanted it to go on their education not on his spending) which I think he was really good about rationalising but it must have been very hard for him. I think I know far more people who've lost a wife or husband in their 40s than is typical. It's very sad.

I don't think you can generalise really. Some people want to work as before without anyone knowing until the very last minute. Others like that TV person's daughter spend £1m travelling round the world trying to find a cure (Caron keating?).

If I were you I would buy the flat and rent it out. If he knows he may not live very long then I'm sure he wants you to have financial security after he has gone surely.

definatly plan for the worst but live for the best.

our lives are on hold, it can still go either way for us, dh is very ill and his life depends on someone else dying to give a chance (am a namechanger mdee, dont say full name please).

In the 2.5years since dh fell seriously ill, I have made sure the kids have a chance of normal life, i have got finances in order, debts sorted, am now saving for a car for when dh either gets better and no mobility car, or if he doesnt make it fortunatly we dont have a mortage, as in council accomadation. but we also have no life insurence as he cant get any without paying huge preminuns.

i would stay put, get things in order and who knows where life will leave you, your youngest may only be one, but in 4years your lives could still be the same.

Dh finds it very positive to help to plan for our future after he dies. It comforts him to know that we will be financally secure. It also helps me, if I am hoinest. I know that we will be able to manage, and not to have to change the way we live to a significant amount.

I do sympathise with you Wills. In some ways the not knowing when the axe will fall is one of the hardest parts of this.

We were initially given a 3-6 month average life expectancy. The doctors have been clear that all the treatment is to buy us more time (and better time) and not a cure.

Thankfully dh is still in good form, and has already exceeded expectations.

Wills do you think it would be helpful to discuss this sort of stuff with a Macmillan nurse? They can't make the choices for you, but ours is a fantastic woman, and is great at listeneing to you, and helping you to think through things. It also might help to see an independent financial advisor.

Sending you every best wish

Oy cakeface! Good to see you girl!

i cant stay away. just being cautious lol.

best of it all wills, you need to make a choice thats right for you all.

What an awful situation to be waiting for someone else's death - oh honey.

MB would a MacMillan nurse have time for me? I've always assumed that they were for those where an end point had been given. There are so many that are in a far worse position to me that I'd assumed they'd see me as an attention seeking drama queen. Dh would be horrified that I'd spoken to someone as its a completely taboo subject at home.

I've got to pop out. DD2 has a swimming lesson and I have a root canal ugh! Many thanks for your help ladies, I'm feeling a lot more positive about what to do. I'm going to try and find a flat to buy around here where the rent actually covers the mortgage (much easier to say than to do). But at the same time I'm going to shelve the idea of returning to work.

have a chat with your GP. We were linked up with the Macmillan team as soon as dh got his diagnosis.....we went from Normal to 'you have on av 3-6 months to live' in the space of 2 weeks.

At the time dh looked as if he would die quite quickly, even the Macmillan nurse later confided in me that she felt we would be very lucky to get 3 months.

As it happens dh has responded to treatment well, has put back all the weight he lost (60 pounds!) and looks totaly fit an well. We still see out nurse on a regular basis, even though he isn't in immanent risk of dying.

You sound as if you could do with talking to someone impartial and 'detatched' from the situation. Macmillan might help, or you GP might be able to refer you to see a councelor. They will not be able to make your choices for you, but I think that underlying you very real and understandable probelms with financial choices, you are also sufferening great stress and anxiety. See if you can do something aboiut the stress and worry, and the other bits may be easier to cope with.

Wills my love, it must be very hard if you can't talk about this at home, I do think a McMillan nurse or someone else sounds like a good idea - you shouldn't have to deal with it all alone. Mb and Mde, I'm sorry that you too are in these heartbreaking situations.

Not sure if you're still around MB but here goes.... My GP is adament I MUST be depressed. I'm struggling with sleep issues, dizzy spells and sickness. I've had PND so I know what depression is and this is not it, but yes I would say that there is a constant stress level that every now and then brakes out. For instance someone on radio 2 did a wonderful speech about how nowadays we don't look after/respect our aged etc and then they played a song about still being there when your old and I burst into tears. Oh for the chance to be old and grey and with him! It does put your wishes into proportion doesn't it. And you're right that I need someone away from the emotion of it. I'm off to a friends tonight (her daughter's birthday tomorrow) and she asked what was wrong. I said I was having a wobbly time at the moment (which I do every now and then say once every 2 or 3 months) bought on by seeing a doctors letter drop through the post box and thinking oh bugger is checkup op time again (we're just moving from 4 checkups a year back down to twice so that's good news) and she asked why does he need an op. Given that she's dating my dh's brother I felt like banging my head. They seem to think once the lumps' removed that's it. Whenever he drops out of remission they always seem so gobsmackingly surprised. Its hard work explaining it again and again to people you think are family!

Few got that off my chest didn't I. Sorry having a bit of an afternoon. Its funny the bulk of time I have it all together and life is great but yep you're right its always there. I will try my gp but suspect he'll have me back on ADs before you blink. What I'd really love is a group of people in a similar position, a group where what we face is "normal" and not a reason to back off rapidly lest you "catch it".

I am in a position where my health could 'turn' at any minute adn we try to live very day.Dp could work more hours and we could have more money etc but we have chosen the opposite and spend every minute (not literally!) doing things we like and enjoy.We are selling our house and downsizing in order to travel a bit while I am well and I also want to put some money away for ds uni so that no matter what he is sorted.Life is short and I am determined to enjoy everything with dp and ds As long as you know where you are money wise and aren't struggling I would stay put xx

wills, i know what you mean. to not have to explain would be heaven.

i sometimes think maybe i'm depressed, like you i had PND and i know the signs when i am depressed, but i mainly think its the high level of stress which, like yours, gets worse at times. Have had a very bad week, as finally took care of soemthing for me, and now waiting for test results, until lthat passes completely i know i will be on edge and stressy.

a lot of people here have backed off, but i know that the the ones who have stuck around, they are with us for the long haul as well.

try macmillin, we are in touch now with a local hospice, and even though dh doesnt want to go, i am booked in for reflexology
next week, just need to call in a babysitting favour

Can you afford to save any money?

Because personally I'd save like billy-o so that should the worst happen you have a good 6 - 12 month's money to see you through in your home .. then during that time you could look for work

I think you are right in living in the best way you can whilst you can

We have a life where we don't face a terminal condition but a chronic one which is unpredictable and could get dramatically worse to the point of disability (or may not); could do it tomorrow or may never. So there are lots of "what ifs" but honestly no-one can plan for things that might happen so you have to make yourself forget the "what ifs" and live for the "this is what we have now"

maybe we should have a thread in carers, it is hard, if you say what health problem you/DH have you can see people backing away quickly whilst saying don't worry it will get better
of course it doesn't always get better.

I havent read all the replies but i would live for today but try to sort out all you can now such as all your policies, telephone numbers, such things like that as you wont after. I would also try to save not on the mortgage but build up a chunk of money for you for after if it happens. (I became a single parent but through differetn circs and wished i had money not a lesser mortgage)

If it were me in your situation I'd downsize the house and concentrate on quality of life.

My dh had a critical illness, he's now recovered but we live with the risk of it coming back. Our insurance paid off our mortgage and we've decided to stay in our small terraced house instead of moving to a bigger place. This gives us the security to face the future incase dh needs prolonged periods off work or, worse cased scenario, dh becomes disabled or dies. You could say we've decided not to upsize iyswim.

Personally i wouldn't want to be away from the kids and would make the most of family time.

I would cross those bridges as you come to them - be prepared to downsize after the event. Rather than going for the serious money, why not work for pocket money during school hours? If you can earn enough to cover the childcare and get a CM who does school pickups anyway so you can hand over the youngsters at the school gate.
Am I hopelessly naive but I thought when a joint mortgage holder dies the debt gets cancelled??? Or is what the life insurance covers?

Wills,

I'm really sorry to hear about your dh (and mb and others too). My dh has two chronic conditions, (a bit like Curmudgeonlett) not currently life threatening but much higher risk than the average person of developing into something serious. We live for the moment but keep making some plans too, if that makes sense. We both now work freelance and part-time and our quality of life is vastly improved.

You could look at all the other options except for working and keep your house by getting it to earn money for you:

• buying a flat: investigate the possibility of buy to let, call a broker and get them to do all the work. Different lenders have different conditions - some will let purely on the basis of the rental income covering the mortgage; some require you to have a basic income to secure the mortgage and some will ask questions about health/outgoings, etc so it may be helpful to get all this information researched first and then you are in a good position to decide whether this is the right option for you.

• is there another way you can get your property to earn money for you? Maybe not now, but later. Renting out part of the house? Renting out just during holidays if it's by the sea? What about location work? This can be quite lucrative. There are loads of location agencies and if your house is suitable for photographic/film work, you can earn £300-£1,000 a day. Someone else mentioned getting a lodger and this may be an option later in order to keep your house?

When your children are a bit older you might feel happier about doing some sort of work. I don't know what you do or where you live but is there a possiblity of working from home or locally? So many companies have relocated out of London, maybe there could be some opportunties locally - even freelance or part-time?

I hope you work this out - make the most of your time now.

Good luck.