depression - don't know what to do

[MissChief]

i'm finally realising need some help after years of ignoring/exercising/using st john's wort. been 'down' especially for past couple of months - acute insomnia, apathetic, bitter and distrustful, v anxious and feeling not much point to the day, ignoring dh and dd and bad company when with friends. much of this could be from lack of sleep (iv'e always had trouble, btw my dd is 3 and sleeps well so that's no excuse).
it's stupid, I know, like to think i'm a reasonably intelligent person but can't bring myself to face up to how i am and what to do to pull myself out - I KNOW what the options are but am not accessing them, wondering about trying private counselling (don't wt GP referral due to nature of my job), maybe relate or depression alliance. any thoughts, any suggestions gratefully received. I don't currently see any way out and can't believe that things will get better right now (but i know if a friend was saying this i'd assure them things do improve, i just don't believe it right now). i know this is stupid but I'm thinking i'm basically rather a lazy, malicious, immature person and would like not to be. i'll stop rambling now or could go on for ever.

I think you do need to see a professional. Surely a visit to your GP would be anonymous?

I am depressed too now for an identifiable reason (see other thread) but at Christmas last year went through a period of insomnia which lasted 3 months. This was due to stress of my (then) job and I had to resort to sleeping tablets. These helped me get through the worst but the depression was still there when I stopped taking them 3 months later. I have not addressed this medically and wish I had - please see your GP.

Depression shouldn't affect your job any more than, say, having a sprained ankle or a dose of flu should. And anyway, your medical records are confidential, surely. The feeling that you can't get better and things won't improve are classic symptoms of depression. Good luck with seeking help. If you don't want to see your GP then you could go down the private route for counselling/cognitive behavioural therapy.

Aloha - afraid I don't entirely agree - depression should be regarded in a similar way to a broken leg but in some professions there is a great premium on resilience, being able to deal with long hours and a culture unsympathethic to stress and other mental health issues.

MissChief - are you required to taken a detailed drugs screen in your job? Otherwise I don't see how your work could ever become away of you taking anti-depressants/or you seeing your GP.

I agree with aloha that many of the feelings you are describing sound like depression; the feelings of hopelessness, self-criticism etc. Other than going down the GP/Private counsellor route, other things that can help a bit are: eating well, sleeping well, relaxation/yoga, exercise and having a break from your family. Have you been using any hormonal contraception - progesterone can also affect your mood?

shopaholic - it's not too late for you to go back to your GP and say that you are still depressed and ask for advice as to medication/counselling. anything you tell your GP will be confidential.

Misschief I have been feeling exactly the same way for a while now. Hardly a day goes by lately when i don't cry at some point about the hopelessness of my life. Although i make sure its not in front of the kids.
My dh works away during the week and has done for 5 yrs now. To be honest I don't like him much any more but put up with his arragance and his favourite name for me of idiot so that the kids can have a roof over thier head.
I spend the week feeling v lonely whilst the kids are at school and long desperatly for some company. My old friends areall settled with families and full time jobs, so i see them only occassionally. Sone days I long for the school gate for a chat.
My family live 5 mins away and Iam too dependent on them for a grown woman. My mum makes its clear that I shouldn't stay too long at her house because basically my dd is hyperactive and v loud and she can't stand it for too long.
Today she accused me of only coming down to make the kids tea so I didn't mess my own house up!

The truth is I have fely deeply down all day and I longed for some company and a chat.
Every night I spend in front of the tv watching and taping get a new life programmes. Don't the couples always seem so close and happy.

Charlize, where are you, if you don't mind me asking? I'm sure there are some MN's near to you. Let us know, everyone feels crap sometimes but talking it over with a real person helps, especially if they can make you laugh. Let us know, maybe we can help. XXXXXX

I've posted on a few threads on this subject, so apologies to people who have already heard this. I was diagnosed with depression when dd2 was a year old. I couldn't sleep, had dreadful anxiety attacks, mood swings and cried at anything and everything. I plucked up the courage to see my GP who was wonderful. We decided to try anti-depressants and they have been a life-saver. It took a couple of weeks but gradually life became easier. I didn't feel overjoyed, but I didn't feel in despair anymore. I had more energy and eventually started sleeping again. There are many ways to combat depression and your GP can help you. You don't need to do this on your own. Making the appointment is the hardest bit, but it is all downhill from there. Thinking of you and sending huge hugs {{{}}}.

I suffered from depression, also. I'm coming off of the ADs now after being on them for 10 months (my choice to stay on them for longer than the 6 my doctor had initially recommended).

Doing the online screening helped me realize I was clinically depressed. The one I did is here . But it was my husband who made me go to the doctor. It's really hard to do it on your own.

I didn't have a lot of counselling (one session) but the ADs gave me the motivation to do what I needed to work on the causes for the depression.

DIY cognitive behavioural therapy has helped me. If you'd like some resources for that, let me know. But I only got into it after taking the ADs... I didn't have the initiative before.

There are loads of women on here who have suffered from depression and there are many different approaches to it. I think you'll find yourself knowing (and perhaps not liking, but knowing) what's right for you.

If you're worried about telling your GP and you're in London, I can offer a recommendation of a private GP who might be able to help (she'd definitely provide a listening ear). She might have ideas about what the next steps for you should be.

Thanks jollymum Iam in the northwest but I don't think I have the confidence for a meet up.
I feel like I can say anything on here and open my heart because I know I won't be seeing any of you in real life. I think Id feel to embarrased now.
Ironically my friends who work say they envy me because I don't have to work and dh earns a ggod wage , we have a nice house in a good area and the kids are in private school. but its all a mirage.
The truth is dh is not the jolly chappie he puts on for the public. He is a bully and constantly shouts and swears at me for absolutly anything.
He spends thousands on a posh big car for himself but at at the moment I don't even have a frdge that works.
Iam totally financially dependant on him and I hate this.
How could I ever leave him when my ds 12yrs is so happy and settled in this home and in his school. I want my kids to have anice hone and the school they love but I could never give it to them on my own.
I can't see how ADs woyld help me as they woyldn't take my problems away.

Ps I think it depresses the hell out of me that Iam only 29 and this has been my life for the last 12 yrs. My twenties have been wasted.
My only joy are my two kids but dd is v hard work and i have wondered if she is adhd or somethig it is that bad.

Charlize, my heart goes out to you. I've got no experience of your situation, but it sounds dreadful. Have you posted about it? I'm sure there would be loads of constructive and supportive posts about what you should do.

I guess my only advice is to please post about it. Do it tonight (so you'll have done it) and then someone will take care to bump it up over the next few days. Weekends are slow and Monday has down time, but please just post now so you get it out while you're thinking about it.

Your life has not been wasted. Please go and see your GP. Sorting out the depression won't sort out your life, but it will give you the strength to do something about it. Perhaps you should ask about counselling, for yourself first and then some marriage counselling when you feel up to it. Keep posting - talking does help.

Thanks jj anfd fabarooney.Its the first time I've been able to tell anyone how I feel. My sister knows the situation with dh and is there for me but she has her own life to live .
Iam extremely envious of my friends. They envy the monet they think i have(although dh doesnt actually give mr that much) But I envy their close and loving relationships with their partners. the fact they share bringing up the children and all share their lives.
They really do not know how lucky they are.
The truth is I have never known love. I have been with dh since I was 15 and had ds at 17 during my a levels. He went to uni I didn't.
I have never worked whilst he forged ahead in his carrer and thinks iam an uneducated idiot.
He constanly corrects the way i talk to the children and he hates my accent. He is a control freak of the highest order whose socks even have to be a certain way in his drawer. {put there by me of course]
At weekends I lay low and try not to talk to him to much for fear of starting him off . althoufh to be honest he spends most of the weekend with ds on x box or at football.
Again i sit in front of the tv at night at the weekend. By myself.
Now and again he will start to hug me but this means he wants sex, so I comply and then he might be normal for half an hour or so till I do something wrong and he will shout me down again.

Earlier in the week I decided to get out all my old photos whist dd was in bed. It got me away from the tv and it was lovely looking at cute baby pics of ds and dd that I haven't got round to putting in frames. I decided it would be lovely if I made a montage of the phtos and I know a local shop that could make the freame.
I spent 2 hrs sorting and choosing pics and it lifted my spirits a bit.
This led me to stupidly think that dh was a normal person and I excidedly tod him what i had been doing during a stilted phoecall from him where he was barking some order at me.
He told me in no uncertain terms that I was Not to do this silly montage and I stupid f**cking idiot for thinking of it. He gave no reason his word is final i tried to ask why but was told if I didn't like it I could F8ck off.
I came off the phone and cried and cried.

Reading that back I prob sound a bit silly over some pics.
He has never been violent to be although he has squared up to me and pushed me a bit. Sometimes I wish he would hit me at least then he might be sorry.
I would love to know what it is like to be in love and have an equal loving relationship with some one. God I don't even care about the in love bit just a partner in life who was also a friend.
I promise myself at my lowest moments that when the kids are grown up i will leave him and one day even if its when iam 60 i will meet a man who cares and even if we have no money and live in a shed i will be free and happy.

Charlize, would you mind if I copied your latest post to the "R
elationships" topic? I'd do the heading as "Her husband is not such a nice guy" (understatement works sometimes) and refer them back to this while copying your latest post as the starting point.

I think your husband is horrid. I wish I could offer you more advice.

I cross posted with you, sorry! Let me post the 8:24 post, with the late bit, too.

Please don't wait till you're 60 charlize. You already feel you've wasted your twenties which isn't true at all, you've brought up lovely children.

Can't get the image of him scoffing at your photo montage idea out of my head (which I think is a lovely creative thing to do, something I've intended to do for 7 years since our kids were born!). It just seems scruel and disrespectful.

Am not surprised you're depressed charlize with someone who is so damaging to your self esteem. Is there any way you could possibly get out of this situation even though you are financially dependent? Can you imagine yourself as a free, single person still with your children but without him? Is there any way that this would be possible?

Thanks jj. I will go over to other thread. Iam afraid I've hijacked poor misschiefs thread.
Hi fiona. I don't think there is a way out for me.
I have no money of my own no qualificationa and no job experience. He holds all the cards the house is in his name.He pays the school fees and ds loves his school and is doing so well he is my pride and joy. I could never live with myself if i took the kids from there home and school.
I have nothing to give them only love. At least I only have dh at weekends. It is lonely life but Its the only wat till the kids are grown up and I know I have done what I can for them.

Charlize, also is there any way you could look at going back to work - am assuming your kids are all school age? Would this help your self esteem, put you in contact with lots of other people, perhaps make you more financially independent? ie - doing something for yourself rather than caring for family? It sounds realy obvious, feel silly for suggesting it, am sure you have considered this many times...

our posts crossed there charlize. Could your son stay at his school but you live independently from dh? Could you still live in the area? Please don't say there is no way out for you charlize, there must be something.

have to sort boys' supper now & usher to bed, wanted to add that I left a loveless marriage at age 29 (am 29 now) although there were no children so a very different & much easier scenario, just remember this overwhelming feeling of freedom & being able to be honest with myself after a decade of pretending.

Big hugs to you, & please believe there is a way out of this xxxxx

Hi Charlize. I live in the North West too (Liverpool) and would like to meet up if you feel up to it, but understand if you wouldn't. ADs/Counselling maybe of use to slightly lift your mood and feelings of hopeless and to convince you that you deserve better. Don't dismiss treatment for depression out of hand - yes your problems with your dh will still remain but at least if you are treated you will be better able to cope and think through what you want to do next. As you are married, your rights in a divorce would be far more than you think - you probably would be able to stay in your home, even if your name is not on the title, and your husband would have to pay maintenance of at least 15% of his income for your kids (not sure what the figures are for two kids). I would strongly suggest that you consult a solicitor to find out what your rights would be if you split up. There is a thread in chat, from a couple of weeks ago, called can I ask a serious question which should give you some general answers as to your entitlements in a divorce. To my mind whilst your husband has never hit you, his controlling behave is still psychological abusive to you. I don't think you should wait to leave until your 60, or that it is necessarily in the childrens' best interest to wait till they are grown up - it is in their interest to see you happy.

take care

x

Hi Charlize, Misschief and everyone,

I'm in tears now reading your story Charlize I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself today over something trivial and am now feeling very humble.
I just hope to God you'll get to feel strong enough to get out one day. You say the children are better off but do you want your son thinking this is the way to treat women? And I can't believe for one minute it hasn't affected your daughter.
You are such a good mum putting them first. I'm not saying don't as I'll always put my boys first. There is a life out there for you without this torture.

God, Charlize, hugs and kisses to you. I've had a little bit of the same but nothing like your fortitude. Its painful in the mirage. I just hope you can manage to find happiness for yourself, not just mark time.

MissChief - hope you are still out there and how do you feel today?