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Original poster

My lovely MIL has breast cancer again . . .trying to stay positive for my dh

36 replies

filthymindedvixen · 26/05/2007 13:25

That's it really. We fouind out yesterday and dh is in shock and denial.
She is a wonderful lady and I adore her (I'm so lucky, I know. She is a very undemanding, uninterfering MIL and much loved by us all)

She had breast cancer 8 years ago and we had all relaxed a little I suppose, and imagined she might be in the clear. (She had a lumpectomy last time.)

DH has been very low this year (mid-life crisisy type stuff) and I am very worried as to the effects this is going to have on him if I'm honest.

Please, does anyone out there have any positive stories about beating cancer (particularly when it's returned)? Or just some words of encouragement?
Or even just some ideas on what to say/do? She goes in for an op next week and then will start a month of radiotherapy. She doesn't want to see us until after the treatment

OP posts:
thedogsbollox · 26/05/2007 13:31

Oh that is a lot to bear for your poor DH, and for you, also

Perhaps start working on seeing whether she would agree to see you part way through her treatment. Perhpas just leave it very vague, 'oh, we don't need to decide that yet MIL, we can just take it as it comes and see what you feel like when the time comes', sort of thing.

No stories I am afraid - I wish I did have

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 26/05/2007 13:35

we wanted to drop everything and rush over and see her (and hug her!) today but she was adamant that we should not.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 26/05/2007 13:37

FMV .
What a shock for you all.
No advice I'm afraid, but sending positive vibes for successful treatment for your MIL.
xx

thedogsbollox · 26/05/2007 13:37

Oh no

That makes it so much worse

Your must both find it so difficult, when your natural reaction is just to want to wrap your arms round her and try and take some of the anguish and pain away!

Keep plugging away at her though - in time she might come round!

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 26/05/2007 13:46

I can sort of understand it...she's had 3 weeks (3 weeks before she could pluck up courage to tell DH ) to get through the shock and fear and talk herself into feeling strong for the treatment. She (I think) wants us to see her when she feels she needs our suport most - ie after the treatment on the long road to (hopefully) recovery.
I'm trying not to be negative, but I just want us to see her as much as possible... just in case.

OP posts:
Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 26/05/2007 13:48

right. No more faces on here please...!

Postive stuff anyone?
(I will however accept the odd sincere hug) )

OP posts:
thedogsbollox · 26/05/2007 13:50

Positive vibes, it is then

And some ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) too!

chocolateteapot · 26/05/2007 13:58

So sorry to hear this DH's mother was diagosed with cancer just over a year ago, at a time that he was very low with work and other stuff. She has cancer of the esophagos which has a very poor prognosis and the whole thing was made worse by her being in Spain.

He's done 3 dashes over to say final goodbyes which was all a bit traumatic (understatement), however despite all the odds she is still with us. Scans apparently show that there is no cancer left in her esophagos (she had chemo/radiotherapy & a new drug). She's still some way off being completely fine as she's had various other complications such as shingles, pneumonia and goodness knows what else. But the other day she rang and I walked into our bedroom to find DH sitting on the bed looking relaxed just chatting to her and laughing, a really lovely sight I really had thought at several points I would never see.

I will have my fingers well and truly crossed for your MIL.

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 26/05/2007 17:04

thanks Chocoteapot, I'll keep mine crossed for your MIL's continuing good health too.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 28/05/2007 14:04

So sorry - not a very MN thing to do, I know, but:

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Presumably it's a good sign that she's having radiotherapy rather than chemo, though?

On the basis of my own experience - me in London,my mum in Leeds - all I can say is just be there for her as much as you can. And leave her alone if she doesn't want you to be there.

Is she on her own? If she is, I'd try and do some cooking for her and put stuff in the freezer so that she doesn't have to do so much for herself. Make sure her wine rack/gin bottle/whatever is full - little things to make her life easier in the days after her op/treatment.

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 31/05/2007 16:01

BIWI - actually, good point, I don't know if it's chemo or radio - she hasn't told me, I said radio as that was what my friend had when he had a lumpectomy last year...

Homestly, her son is a 43 Years Old! But she is trying to 'protect' him by refusing to tell us what's really happening to her.

She's not on her own, she is married to adull but decent bloke (not DH's father) who is reasonably well off so I am hoping he will pull out all the stops for a claner/ironer etc as this will bother her.
I am stocking up on books, nice-smelling handcreams etc to 'treat' her to.

OP posts:
Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 08/06/2007 19:30

oh god this is awful. The poor man has been upstairs sobbing. (He never cries).
He spoke to her this morning and she is being so brave and brittle and is still refusing to let us go and see her until after the radiotherapy which is a month away.
I can't bear this.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/06/2007 19:40

is there no way you can talk to her (or her DH) and let her know how uset your DH is about being shut-out. She may not have thought about it that way?

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 08/06/2007 19:43

i've told him should just go anywa, even if it's just t give her a hug...5 hours round trip but hey, she's worth it.

I'm crying too now. he started crying in the middle of asking theboys to make her some get well cards

OP posts:
lulumama · 08/06/2007 19:44

just sending lots of positive vibes and wishing you all the strenght to get through this difficult time x

mamalocco · 08/06/2007 19:45

Perhaps its the best way of dealing with it for her. She should be allowed to be selfish at the moment and only have to deal with her own emotions and not her son's. Don't mean that to sound as hard as it probably does, but when my mum had cancer the first time, I was about 14 so slightly different situation I know, but my mum dealt with it best by just getting on with the practical side of things. She wasn't one to wallow and dealing with me in floods of tears wouldn't of helped her. I know you and your DH want to help but I think you have to respect her wishes and be there when she wants you.

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 08/06/2007 19:49

poor woman has to go from scarboro to hull every day for a month for 15 seconds of radio....

OP posts:
mamalocco · 08/06/2007 20:01

I know - my mum used to go to work in the morning, leave at lunch time, had an hour and a half train journey each way - spending all of 5 minutes inside the hospital and was still home for 3.30pm when I got home from school cooking dinner like nothing was different - just her way of coping. She will meet other people during her treatment who are in the same situation and hopefully that will help.

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 08/06/2007 20:11

how did you cope, mamaloco?

OP posts:
Spider · 08/06/2007 20:19

God sorry to hear this FMV.
My MIL has also had breast cancer a couple of years ago. She seems to be clear at the moment but I remember the worry.

I guess all you can do is be there for her. I wondered about researching foods and holistic approaches on my MILs behalf but then I was too worried that the last thing she wanted at the time was my hippy, airy fairy ideas.

Could you make sure you're around to cook her great meals or make a batch of meals she can put in her freezer. I know it's easy to say and harder to do when you're already cooking for your own family, but there's nothing like a good, healthy home cooked meal for healing.

As for you dh, mine is in a similar state to yours by the sound of it. I guess you need to encourage him to take the time to go and see his mum as much as he needs to (when she's ready) and just be extra lovely to him, though if he's anything like mine in the middle of a mid life crisis, he's pretty hard to be around at the moment.

You've got your womanly work cut out for you and I wish you luck.

mamalocco · 08/06/2007 20:19

As I say, the first time she had it I was only 14 and she played it down so much that although I knew she had cancer I never really thought of her being 'sick'. It came back 13 years later and that time she did rely on me more (my dad had died by this point and I don't have any siblings). It was really hard because we were really close and for the first time in my life I had to keep something from her - that I was terrified I was going to lose her. I tried to be as positive as I could when around her and saved my tears for when I was on my own.

Original poster
filthymindedvixen · 15/06/2007 10:44

Thank you to all who responded when I was in shock.
She had the op weds and was home yesterday. We are absolutely thrilled as they are delaying radiotherapy until September - and then maybe not even then! Apparently there are new drugs available which they are putting her on which may be more effective. The specialist said radiotherpay was very traumatic for her and didn't neccessarily work

So fingers crossed everyone and lots of healthy healing vibes please for my fabulous MIL x

OP posts:
filthymindedFlanders · 06/07/2007 19:06

I know you're all too busy discussing Boden. or newbies. And I know this isn't as much fun as judging people's parenting.
But I could really do with some support today.
We were planning to go and see MIL next week but she rang me this morning to tell me she has got an infection in her surgery site and so they have decided she now needs chemotherapy and then radiotherapy. She wanted me to tell DH as she didn't feel she could tell him. He is very depressed at the moment and drinking too much. I've told him and he is now upstairs shooting aliens in an effort to 'deal' with this news. He will go over tomorrow to see her. I wish I could go too (I love her very much) but there's no-one to look after the children and she's not strong enough to have them bouncing round her.

Can someone tell me what to expct from chemotherapy? How ill will she be. And for how long?

Pinkchampagne · 06/07/2007 19:11

Sorry I can't be of more help, but I'm really sorry to hear about your MIL.
A good family friend of ours has recently found out she has breast cancer & has just had a masectomy. We are waiting to hear news of how it went.

Have no words of wisdom, but I really feel for you & hope all goes well for your MIL.

TheMolesMother · 06/07/2007 19:40

Hope I can be of some help here. I'm currently undergoing treatment for secondary breast cancer. I had it first in 2005 and we found it had spread earlier last year. I've now been through chemo twice, so I'm intimately acquainted with the whole process.

What to expect will vary a lot depending on the type of drug they use but they all have several side effects in common - nausea, headaches, tiredness, and possibly the runs. They should give her drugs to help control the nausea - if they don't she needs to ask why not. The side effects are usually at their worst between day 1 and day 7 after the chemo. I usually feel as if I've got the world's worst hangover for the first two days then it gradually gets better. One of the things chemotherapy does to you is to reduce your red blood cell count, hence the tiredness, and that is at it's worst around day 7 after the treatment. After that things begin to improve. I still get very tired at times, but that's because I'm on another chemo drug which is supposed to prevent the cancer from re-grouping after the initial treatment.

One thing I think would help you and your Dh would be to do a bit of research on your own account. It might help you understand what she's going through without pushing her to tell you. I can throughly recommend www.breastcancercare.org.uk/ (sorry, don't know how to do links). There are fact sheets about the different types of treatment which come from the most reliable sources. It certainly helped me to understand what was going on as I'm in France and the doctors here tell you bugger all unless you know the right questions to ask.

Phew!!! Sorry, long post. If I can be of any help, please get in touch. I'm new to this site but I suppose there's some kind of private messaging system.

MM