My lovely MIL has breast cancer again . . .trying to stay positive for my dh

[filthymindedvixen]

That's it really. We fouind out yesterday and dh is in shock and denial.
She is a wonderful lady and I adore her (I'm so lucky, I know. She is a very undemanding, uninterfering MIL and much loved by us all)

She had breast cancer 8 years ago and we had all relaxed a little I suppose, and imagined she might be in the clear. (She had a lumpectomy last time.)

DH has been very low this year (mid-life crisisy type stuff) and I am very worried as to the effects this is going to have on him if I'm honest.

Please, does anyone out there have any positive stories about beating cancer (particularly when it's returned)? Or just some words of encouragement?
Or even just some ideas on what to say/do? She goes in for an op next week and then will start a month of radiotherapy. She doesn't want to see us until after the treatment

Link for you That was a wonderful post MM. You seem to be coping very well.

FMV, no advice sadly, but just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you and your family. Hope you get answers to all the questions you have.

MolesMother, thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to post that, when you are going through such a hellish time yourself. I wish you didn't have to be such an expert, if you know what I mean.

That link looks very useful, off to read it now.

Sending you lots of positive, healthy, healing vibes. (and lots of luck too).

thanks to PC and Gibberish too. It upsets dh if I talk about any of this with him (he adores his mother but they have a peculiar way of dealing with emotional stuff ) and I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset as she isn't my mother, if that makes sense.

It's lovely that you are so close to your MIL, fmv. She'll know how much you care, even if it isn't said (my family are a bit like that. We don't discuss emotional stuff, but we all know how we feel about one another).

Do you have someone close by that can support you - just to talk to? It seems you have an awful lot to deal with and are having to be the strong one, not just for your MIL, but your dh too.

not really Gibbersih - that's why I'm spilling my guts to a load of hairy handed truckers
My mum is being treated for depression, my sister ditto, my close friends all seem to be battling their own demons at the moment. So...here I am!

Well we hairy handed truckers have VERY broad shoulders so offload whenever you want!

dh has set off to see her armed with a huge bouquet, some books and photos of the boys in the hope that actions will speak louder than the words he can't articulate...

She doesn't know he's coming. But he is driving for 3 hours to spend an hour with her, then 3 hours back.
Otherwise, he doesn't know how long it will be before he sees her again.
We are very worried about the infection. More so than the chemo.

I'm sure a visit from your DH will be wonderful for your MIL.
Sending postive vibes.

I'm sure the actions will tell their own story fmv, when he sees her. And she sounds like the sort of woman who will realise that he has driven six hours because spending that one hour with her is important to him.

FMV - thanks for your kind wishes. They're appreciated. Glad I could be of help.

It's wonderful to hear that your DH has decided to go and visit. I am sure she'll appreciate it even if she can't tell him that.

You are right to be worried about the infection. I'm afraid I think she's not being completely straight with you. I've never before heard of chemo being used to treat infection - it's more likely they haven't managed to get all the cancer by operating and the chemo is needed to clear it up.

MM

MM - I'm not sure she's intentionally not being 'straight'. But more that she was trying really hardto be all business like and positive when she rang to tell me. And then she crumpled. So I couldn't ask her 'proper' questions as she wasn't in the best state to deal with things. So the facts are all a little muddled.

I was a little bit when she originally told me that because the operation had been so successful the hospital had decided to defer any radiotherapy until autumn to see how she got on just with drugs. I wondered if she was trying to keep the real situation from dh because it wasn't so good IYSWIM.

To be very blunt, I suppose I want to know what the prognosis is. I can do positive, really I can. But I also need to mentally prepare myself to support dh and the boys if things don't go so well.

DH doesn't have a father. His mum is 'it' in terms of close family.

To be very blunt, I suppose I want to know what the prognosis is. I can do positive, really I can. But I also need to mentally prepare myself to support dh and the boys if things don't go so well.

I feel so sorry for you all. It's awful for your MIL having to face up to it and its awful for you and DH not knowing what is going on.

One of the horrible things about this disease is that the doctors try their best to avoid giving any sort of prognosis at all - the plethora of drugs they can use give us more hope but they also add to the uncertainity.

French doctors even avoid using the "C" word - hubby actually had to force it out of my oncologists both times I was diagnosed. I suppose I can understand because some people just don't want to know. Personally, I would rather know what's going on so that if the options for treatment run out I can prepare myself for the worst.

Perhaps when things have settled down your MIL will feel more up to discussing things, and if you read up you'll know the right questions to ask.

MM