How to NOT tell people I've just had a tummy tuck

[HerniaTuck]

I've name changed for obvious reasons.

Since having my second DS by c-section nearly 3 years' ago (my first was a c-section too), my stomach has looked horrendous. I look about 5 months' pregnant all the time even though I'm well within my healthy BMI range and am a clothes size 10-12 (if I hold it all in to do up my waistband). I'm fit and go to the gym 4-5 days a week. I also have a weird stomach bulge that comes out when I do sit ups.

So, I went to see a surgeon about having a tummy tuck to sort everything out. He says I have a hernia and separated stomach muscles (5 fingers' width). This can all be sorted out through the surgery.

I'm embarrassed about having this procedure and don't want to tell people about it (my DH and parents will know). I need to come up with a plausible explanation for my recovery. Two nights in hospital, next to no activity in week 1, no driving for up to around 3 weeks, etc. Is a hernia enough of a reason? What details do I need to know if pressed (obviously I won't be spinning a yarn but I'd like to be able to comfortably deflect any questions).

I know this is a bit of a weird one but my bro has had a hernia op and he cares about me a lot. He'll be v concerned for me and will ask loads of questions. The trouble is my SIL. She's a cow and I don't want her to know about the procedure. I'd never hear the end of it.

Watching with interest as considering similar after awful recovery from c-section with twins has left me with loads of hanging skin over the scar

Could you just say it's to sort out some muscle damage from pregnancy? Less likely that your brother will ask so many questions and I think most people are sympathetic towards pregnancy related problems.
Best of luck with your surgery

just say you have 'separated stomach muscles that got damaged as a result of your C section that needs repairing'. That sounds fine and is the truth.

Thanks for the speedy replies.

I'd rather not mention muscle separation to her. One of her friends had a tuck for that reason and my SIL told me how selfish her friend was being by having a cosmetic procedure and how her husband would have to do everything in the house for 6 weeks to help her friend recover. She said her friend was vain and irresponsible.

I really don't want to go there...

She's a health nut with a washboard stomach and her own Pilates machine at home. Her body is strong, toned and muscular. She dedicates a lot of time and energy to look so good (and she really does look great!) and sees it as a weakness to not be the same as her. I just don't want to open that can of worms...

Can't you just say you have a hernia? That's true.

Can't you just focus on the hernia surgery? And if they compare with your brother's experience, say that you're is more complex because you've had previous abdominal surgery with your c-sections. You could also say you are really nervous about it / found it emotionally tough and so don't want to discuss it in detail.

Honestly, you are way overthinking this. People simply aren't that interested in other people's health. Or in the unlikely event they are, then that's their problem and you can be a stuck record giving the bare minimum you'd like to disclose and saying you don't want to discuss private medical issues for the rest.

I'd also question your use of words. From what you say, you have a physical medical condition, diagnosed by a doctor. For me "tummy tuck" conjures up frivolous cosmetic surgery by someone on Real Housewives. You've an injury from your pregnancies and are having surgery to repair it. That sounds way more "judgey" about cosmetic surgery than I actually intend so apologies for any offence I might cause. But your body, your private medical details, your choice.

Thanks Mayhew and sycamore.

I'm being defensive/sensitive less due to having the procedure and more because of my insecurities around my SIL. She really does make me doubt myself. I shall woman up!

More about the hernia op, though. Does anyone know about the recovery? Is it like the tuck procedure as far as timings and things you can/can't do?

Tell the truth. Life is way too short to care/worry/fret about what certain people think. Stand up to her and tell her to mind her own business.

Honestly, I'd just tell your brother that you're having corrective surgery due to complications from your pregnancies, and that you don't want to talk about it because it's making you anxious. Surely that's enough?

I have a family that's really close (apart from SIL). We live just a mile apart and we see each other all the time. I can see your frustration with me in the tone of your messages but I was trying to find a white lie that would make this process a little easier for me when dealing with my SIL.

It's not just cosmetic though - it's to repair muscle separation (diastasis recti).

Maybe find out all the technical terms and the medical benefits (as opposed to cosmetic) so you can convince them (and yourself!) that's it's justified.

I think saying you have a major hernia should be enough to justify the time off and recovery restrictions. Sometimes less is more, so don't feel the need to go into detail, but if pressed you could say it is complicated by your previous surgery.

If you want to say even less, just say you are having abdominal surgery. An acquaintance said that at a gathering I was at, no one felt the need to ask for more info!

Also ask your surgeon for details about the hernia repair so you can go into detail about that with your brother. They are done in different ways - some laparoscopically, some with a small open incision, some with mesh, some without. So find out how they will be doing it in your case. I had a minor hernia repair a few years ago and had 3 or 4 nights in hospital (not U.K. though). Can't remember the rules about driving but had at least a couple of weeks off work and no lifting during that time. The anaesthetic alone can make you quite woozy for a few days, some people bounce back faster than others!

Its for a hernia though. Its true. There's no shame in that. You don't like the way it looks, there's no shame in that either. ♥️

In my experience if you obfuscate and try to avoid telling people you will attract more attention than if you say 'hernia repair, anxious, don't want to talk about it thanks'.

I'd say you're having hernia and complications from the c sections repaired and leave it at that.

Just say you're having surgery for an issue following childbirth. People will assume it's gaenological and and will hopefully leave it there!

Especially if you say "I'd rather not go into details!" 😁

Hernia repair “I said to the doctor would the recovery be like it was for you? but he said it’s different for pregnancy-related hernias”.

m being defensive/sensitive less due to having the procedure and more because of my insecurities around my SIL. She really does make me doubt myself. I shall woman up!

I'd work on ways to give less of a damn about what this woman thinks. Why give her so much power?

If you really don't want to be honest about it. Just say it's a hernia op. My friend just had a tummy tuck to get rid of her c-section "apron" (her name for it). It was physically uncomfortable and getting her down. There's no shame in dealing with it via surgery and if your SIL thinks there is then she has some warped thinking going on.

I felt much the same as you (including the unnecessary shame). Initially I told people I was having an operation to sort out complications from pregnancy (everyone assumed gynaecological), then I felt comfortable telling people that it was to repair damaged stomach muscles.
now, if it comes up, I am comfortable telling people I had a tummy tuck.
Don’t over think it- people will only know for sure if you tell them, and you don’t have to. If people start grilling you for details, just say you are not comfortable, or it is making you nervous to talk about it, and change the subject.
Good luck

Yes to 'hernia repair' or even (more technical!) 'an abdominal hernia repair'

What you are describing is called diastesis recti or rectus divarication, quite common after pregnancy (and in obese people with mainly abdominal fat). The rectus muscles run vertically right and left of your belly button and are connected by a flat ligament which can tear when the stomach is very distended and as it is made of connective tissue, it never heals back together again.

Please STOP sit-ups immediately - they are really bad; most women who've been pregnant should avoid them, and certainly those with the bulge you are describing. They put more strain on that ligament and can make the gap worse.

Google 'Mutu system' - I am not the physiotherapist who runs the site and sells her program and I am not trying to flog you anything. But there are some very good and SAFE exercises on there for free for your condition.

Re 'tummy tuck' - such a cute phrase for quite huge surgery, depending quite how much needs to be done. It can go through several layers of muscle, it may require repositioning of your belly button, the scars (depending on procedure) run from hip bone to hip bone and possibly up to your belly button.

You will need considerable recovery time, so you do need to have some handy phrases ready to explain what's going on.
Do have it done if after you have fully informed yourself you still want to, then go with hernia repair for the benefit of your SiL. Best of luck

Or does this help:

Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter.

It's huge surgery. I think you may be better saying you've got an awful bug or virus. I was completely floored after my surgery for about 4-5wks. I didn't realise how crap I would feel. Wouldn't change thing about it now though.

I do mean this in the nicest possible way ... but why do you actually care what anyone else thinks? It’s a procedure you’re doing for yourself and that’s really all there is to be done about it. And if you’re ever in a situation where people are negatively commenting about it just calmly state “I would prefer if you kept your negative comments to yourself - it is my body my choice “