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Original poster

Going out with a stoner

28 replies

weeddilemma · 28/02/2018 19:19

I've name changed for this.

I'm going out with someone that smokes weed everyday. High(ish) powered job, he manages a group of people and is good at his job.

It's just the weed. When he gets home from work it's the first thing he does, and if it's not, I can tell he's thinking about doing it.

I don't necessarily have a huge problem with it - he's his own person, and I have used it recreationally. I've also said that in the future when we have kids, I insist he would be 'clean' for two years.

Tonight he's come in and 'hidden' it. Acted super friendly then when I saw it, said 'is that ok?' Course it's ok, like I said he's his own person. I hate that he demonises me for literally even asking about it - tonight it was 'oh did you get it after work'. He says I'm 'boring' for not having any.

Anyone got any advice for living with someone like this? He thinks that because his jobs going well he's not addicted. He's done it pretty much every day since we've been together (4years). I'd feel ridiculous giving an ultimatum .. me or the weed! Confused but it's getting to that.

OP posts:
Callamia · 28/02/2018 19:59

I went out with a stoner when I was at university. It was the most boring thing ever. He was so fucking dull, and spent all of his money on weed, and way too much of his/my time going to buy weed. Ugh.

You’re going to come second to it every time. Don’t waste your time, until he’s willing to grow up.

Babymamamama · 28/02/2018 20:01

Do not have children with this person. What now seems a harmless habit will seem very different once you're in charge of a minor. A close friend of mine suffered this issue for years with her dh's. It can be very psychologically addictive.

Lilymossflower · 28/02/2018 20:33

He is addicted. He needs to admit it. My partners a stoner too but I'm not overly bothered because
1 he admits it and
2 I never allow it too affect our essential living money. Ever. Even when has ran out of money and I have money but I need it for the rent food etc , I don't lend him money ( I know he would never pay it back,) he has to acquire money by other means.

I think I would be waaay more pissed off by it if he didnt admit it.
Also the downside is that it makes him a really boring person TBH .

RaspberryCheese · 28/02/2018 20:34

I wouldnt be seen dead with a stoner as there are so many other people who are more appropriate for me.

Wishfulmakeupping · 28/02/2018 20:38

My Dh was a stoner for years once i was expecting he packed it in and it didn’t bother him. I would say once he did stop the biggest change was his motivation he did up the house, got 2 promotions and got fit. It was really numbing him stopping it focused him so much.

TheQueenOfWands · 28/02/2018 20:39

MiL is a stoner.

Moody, lazy, late for everything, no energy, no drive. Just sits and smokes.

I'm no stranger to the odd joint (once a year at a sunny festival or something) but wouldn't go out with someone who did it daily.

troodiedoo · 28/02/2018 20:41

LTB, you'll always come second to the weed.

It's a shame.

Hellywelly10 · 28/02/2018 20:44

You either live with it or you don't. We can't control other peoples addictions just our reaction to them. How old are you both op?

fleetingthinker · 28/02/2018 20:53

This would be a deal breaker for me long term.

I was a big stoner in my teens/early twenties and I have friends that still smoke daily at 40+. It's an addiction.

Problem is, it's not particularly social either and a bit pathetic once your older to be itching for a dube all the time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/03/2018 07:53

What do you get out of this relationship?.

You state he is his own person but that does not make this ok at all.
What about you in all this, you are your own person too and you do not have to accept this from him. You are coming a dim and distant second to his weed addiction.

Do you really want to have children by him as well given also that there are plenty of men out there who do not use weed at all?. How would you insist on him being clean for two years, how is that going to work?. Why are your boundaries so very low here? You've had four years of this already, why waste more time on someone in denial of his addiction?. If you make an ultimatum as well it can only be issued once and you have to be fully prepared to carry it out. If you are not prepared to carry it out then do not issue it.

You may also want to consider posting this in Relationships rather than General Health; MN can help you move your post if you report it.

SD1978 · 01/03/2018 08:02

My advice is no. Walk away if you can. I made this mistake. Seemed fine, but it’s the same as living with an alcoholic. Limited conversation, blank stares, and stoned all the time doesn’t make for great conversation. An addict is an addict whether they have s good job or not. He biggest regret if my life was not seeing that and realising it earlier.

Furryface · 01/03/2018 08:04

My advice is don't live with someone like this. Plenty of other men who don't do this. It clearly bothers you and this will only get worse.

scaredofthecity · 01/03/2018 08:09

My DH was a stoner when we got together, he stopped when I was pregnant and now only smokes on special occasions (a couple of times a year.... I have no problem with this).

He did need that extra motivation to quit, he tried before when I wasn't expecting and it never lasted very long (we did live in a house share with others who smoked too which obviously didn't help).

It got to the point where I was worried I wouldn't like him when he wasn't smoking as it was all I'd ever known.... actually I love him even more and can't believe I put up with it for so long! He is so much more motivated and determined and is ashamed of the years he wasted.

It is addictive, and withdrawal isn't pleasant for anybody involved. It took my DH at least 2 wks to come out the otherside, he was snappy and short tempered and pretty low. I found him very difficult to be around during that period just to warn you.

Obviously after that it gets much better!

IMO, looking at all of DHs stoner friends, they have pretty much all quit or seriously cut down to settle. Generally those that couldn't/ wouldn't are now mid thirties, single and looking at a lonely life. They know deep inside they have to quit to have a family.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/03/2018 08:17

He likes the lifestyle you don’t. He doesn’t want to change (or grow up) and you can’t change him without him resenting it and you being the boring bad guy. Do not have children with him, as the problems will only become more and more apparent. 4 years is already too long a time to have wasted on this guy.

MoreProsecco · 01/03/2018 08:19

No, just no.

Using every day is not recreational use, it's habitual.

And you're not "boring" for choosing not to take illegal drugs. He sounds very immature.

And you don't get to decide if he stops it; I'd not even go down that road.

Honestly, bin him.

scaredofthecity · 01/03/2018 08:24

I just re-read your op and saw he called you boring for not wanting any... that is a massive red flag. Like he's minimising the issue.

In that case am ultimatum may be the best way to go. Like I said my DH always knew he had to quit, and never encouraged me to join in. It sounds like he honestly can't see an issue with it and I would have a problem with that.

ovenchips · 01/03/2018 08:31

In your post there's no evidence whatsoever of any motivation to stop/ reduce. Concealing doing it, yes. Stopping it, no.

I would be giving that ultimatum (though you need to brace yourself for result) as it's not what you want to be happening now and it's not what you want to be happening in future.

You do need to be tough with yourself too and look at reality. You have created a bit of a fantasy about this time when you have children together and he hasn't had any weed for 2 years. It doesn't exist, I'm afraid and is very much your fantasy, not his.

Let him know it's now a dealbreaker for you, then it's up to him to make his choice. If he's not with you or interested in your fantasy of future life, it's so so much better (and braver) to find out now.

Original poster
weeddilemma · 01/03/2018 17:27

Thanks for all your responses

I should say that he have tried to stop (several times) and is a nightmare during that time.

I guess it isn't SO much of issue at the moment. But I'm more aware of it than ever so I feel that indicates that perhaps it is becoming one .. for me at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
weeddilemma · 01/03/2018 17:29

Sadly your responses have highlighted than an ultimatum would end unfortunately for our relationship

Not because he'd pick me over the cannabis per day, but that he'd minimise and say I was the one with the issue and that the weed doesn't affect him.

YY to poster who said muted conversation Confused apparently me asked how his day is is sometimes 'too chatty'

OP posts:
greengrass1234 · 01/03/2018 17:39

Op you can't change someone or expect them to change. Why do you want him to be clean for two years? What's your actual concern?

Plenty of people who smoke weed aren't lazy, boring, depressed etc. My DP smokes a lot and is none of those things - he's kind, generous, loving, interesting, supportive, has a decent job, is smart and funny. He has all of the characteristics I want in a man, many of which have been lacking in other men I've been with. (And I know I'm biased but he's 100x better than a lot of the lazy useless menchildren I see other women with)

You have to decide what matters to you, but I wouldn't expect him to change

greengrass1234 · 01/03/2018 17:42

But mine would never say I'm boring for not wanting any. Same way I don't peer pressure him into drinking too much alcohol

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 17:52

Walk away. He minimises. He won't change.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 01/03/2018 18:08

I couldn't go out with someone like that. Too boring, too self-obsessed, too much money going out on just one person, no motivation... why on earth would you want to be with him?

And I know some will say their partners stopped in order to have a child, but with this guy you've known him four years and he's shown absolutely no sign of giving up. Don't waste any more time on him. And if you are tempted to, look up the sunk costs fallacy.

Original poster
weeddilemma · 01/03/2018 18:10

greengrass

To be fair the two years thing - just a value I plucked out of thin air. I think it probably just comes from the idea that if he stops it for a prolonged period of time (I did, I stopped for a year) then he'll realise the short and long term effects.

I also do NOT want to raise my kids with drugs on the scene.

Don't get me wrong, we both use recreationally.

It's just his track record with quitting is rubbish. He actually picked up smoking with one of those nicotine pen things just from trying his sisters a few times over Christmas.

Fast forward three weeks, he's bought one 'just to keep in his car'. Needless to say he was attached to it - literally attached - for the next year. He didn't even smoke in the first place

OP posts:
Original poster
weeddilemma · 01/03/2018 18:11

Not painting him in the best light.

This is the main issue! He is hardworking, great job.. it's just his hobbies have died off a bit and I guess I am blaming the weed.

OP posts:
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