Am I on the verge of a nervous breakdown?

[Chandra]

There have been several things going on in the last few weeks and I have been trying to sort up everything but I have started to find it very difficult.

1st. As many of you may be aware from my previous threads I'm really frustrated of not being able to work in my "area of knowledge" in UK because English is not my first language.

"nd. I have tried to convince DH to go back to one of our respective countries, no success, some weeks ago he said we will be going but again seems to have changed his mind/is not taking any steps to move (I guess he is waiting to see if I forget about it if he doesn't do anything)

3rd. I have been struggling seting up a business since last year which has used all of my savings and I still have some debts and don't have the money to pay them.

4th. I'm a 2nd yr MA student and got a terrible supervisor, is not that he is not helpful is that everytime I speak to him I go out of the office feeling somewhat useless and can't understand why he is so hard on me considering that I still qualify for distinction. Anyway any idea I mention he dismiss it as if it was cr*p...

5th. I have to turn my dissertation in Sept and have found a major mistake, I may need to start from zero again and I really think there's not enough time left before the deadline.

6th. DS's nursery payments are getting us severely in debt, have asked for help in several places but have not got enough. At home we organise finances by having an account were all the living expenses are taken from and we assigned ourselves a quantity per week so we don't over spend in extras (which is used for clothes, days out, and university expenses) when we set it up it was about £40 per week now is less than £20 and I'm always struggling to meet ends, so any "me" money is gone, even buying a lipstick is a major expense.

7. My sister's DS has been diagnosed with autism this week I wish I can go back to see my family (Mum has also been very bad lately), but have no money and can't get an appointment to get an american visa earlier than august.

8. I have fertility problems and we have been told that our chances of having another child are going steeply down, I know this is not the better time to have another child but I feel awful of DS having no siblings, we are alone in this country, and DH family is composed by 3 persons, my country is too far away, he would be terribly lonely if something ever happened to us.

9. Last night I had an anxiety attack and curled myself in a corner and couldn't stop crying. I had some "quiet life" pills in order to go to sleep. Today I have been in bed most of the day and trying to sort something out regarding the debts and MA, have been crying all morning.

Sorry for rambling (more than usual)

Chandra

Puff! that's long!!! who is going to read it? I'm useless

You are not useless but you do sound like you need some help with things.Could you give up the MA for now?I had to abandon my course as I had so many stresses that I just couldn't cope and tbh you can study anytime This would enable you to save the nursery fees and maybe go home for a holiday

no you are not useless. I have had panic attacks and they are awful and the first one I had was severe I thought I was dying. I think you need to talk to your GP, myabe get some professional help. Counselling may help? Please dont think you have gone on, you havent at all.

Thanks Noddy, I'm in such a state that I think DS is much better in the nursery, I have spent all day with him yesterday and really found it very difficult to cope. I feel awful about living the MA because it is almost two years of a very big effort in order to do it, not only in terms of expenses but also because I was pregnant, and had my child while studying, if all that effort is lost I would think I have wasted a lot of time with DS and Dh for nothing...

We are taking counseling at Relate, back in may I was so frustrated that I asked DH for a trial separation, I really want to leave but at the same time now I realise that going back to my country is not going to solve all the problems.

You are definitely not useless, but you do have a lot on your plate at the moment. It might be worth considering taking a year out from the MA if possible to give yourself a bit of breathing space. Could you talk to a small business advisor about your business/debts (I'm not an expert in this) and see what the options are.

Where are you just now and what country do you originally come from. It's rotten when you feel isolated. Is there a creche at your college or uni as it might be a bit cheaper than your current nursery.
Could you maybe re-organise things to help with your debts, maybe talk to the Citizens Advice.

oh Chandra I do feel for you.
I think you have too much on your "plate" at the moment and coping with it all is just too much to expect from anybody.

Firstly, I agree with what others say, can you take a breather from your MA - not abandon it, but just take some time out?

That would save you the nursery fees at least - and no he is not better off there than with you. You could always cut his nursery time dowm thus still saving money and still getting some time to yourself to sort out the other aspects of your life.

Secondly - see CAB for advice on your business debts - Have you ceased trading?

thirdly - phew, what a lot you have on your shoulders - think the relate idea is great - how have yopu got on. This will help you clear re air and bring up te subject of which country you live in...
How are you feeling now - keep posting...

Chandra- {{{Hugs{}}}}

First things first: make an appointment to see the GP. You MAY be depressed. Counselling or medcation MAY be what you need while you get yourslef in order.

1. Are there ANY jobs you could look at, not necessarily in your field of knowledge, just to feel that your are exercsing your brain and/or bringing in some money?

2. Don't let your dh off the hook. Riase the subject again. Give him a deadline. TELL him your not happy and that it is doing your head in.

3. What plans do you have to pay your debts? Work out what you CAN pay. Give yourself a REASONABLE timescale and then stop fretting. If necessary, go to a Citizens Advice Bureau for some advice.

4. Challenge your supervisor. Ak him wehy he seems to be so negative, when you are on course for a distinction. What does he WANT you to be doing? Is he threatened by you? (That was a question for you, not for him )

5. DO you need to start from zero again? Is it something your supervisor should have picked up? Can you get an extension? What CAN you do between now and September? Write it down and don't panic.

6. Does your husband also have no "me" money? Is this becasue you can't work? If he DOES have money - why does he and not you? If he doesn't, then that is an argument for you returning to your home country, where you would have a better chance of employment. But if you CAN get some sort of even part time job, then that might help - both money wise and self esteem wise.

7. Your sister knows you are thinking of her. Don't fret over what you can't change.

8. There is never a "best" time for having a baby. if that IS what you want, then you need to talk about it with your dh. Does he also want a sibling for your ds? I understand your concerens for your ds (I have simialr ones for my own ds) - but does ytour dh share them? If he does, then he needs to acknowledge that you need to find a way of having another child - or at least trying. If not, then that is a major issue that the TWO of you need to address, as you may end up resenting your dh and having that damage your relationship.

9. {{Hugs{}}}}} Back to my advice in Item 1. Go tothe GP. Come on here. You have already made the frist step by writing down your problems. Try and take some baby steps to deal with them.

Suggested first baby steps (but it's YOUR choice):

1. Make appointment with GP.

2. Make appointmemt with Citizen's Advice Bureau.

3. Tell dh that you need a deadline for when you WILL be going back "home".

4. Do something to pamper yourself. Paint your nails, have a bath, something that makes YOU feel good.

5. DON'T say you are useless.

6. Come on Mumsnet for support (you do that already, so that's easy!)

There's a nursery at University but has a very bad name, and it costs the same as DS's current nursery. I have tried to contact Citizen Advice but they can only offer appointments at a time I have nobody to take care of DS, besides, the day I went to ask there was a very rude person attending who really put me off, he was really rude (and in all my sensitivity that now flourishes so easily I thought they would like to reserve their very few appointments for "real" english citizens). I should insist...

It took me so long to write my reply, that you'd already had loads of support!

Thanks Janz for taking the time to write all this.
I have been looking for jobs for almost three years, in someway I'm overqualified for entry level jobs but because I have not worked in three years I can not apply for senior positions. Hence the MA, I just wanted to keep my mind active but something that was supposed to make me feel good has become a nightmare.

The supervisor maybe a bit threatened (I'm not aggressive or anything) but out of a AHrB application for funding he has learn that I was also a lecturer in the past, I think that makes him a bit uneasy. I have come to him with several ideas for the dissertation but everything seems stupid to him, the last idea (the one I have been working in for 4 months) was against his believes, not stupid but really important when I looked at other subjects information I found loads of information on that area, the good thing then that the idea was not stupid as he thought -actually I'm please of having arrived to the same conclussions without knowing of all that "other" research- but now the dissertation lacks originality no matter I have come to those conclussions by myself.

The money to pay the debts... Well, I can get a debt to pay another one... but I feel that DH is leaving me alone on this, he is always pushing me not to spend more money but he is still able to manage his 2 daily trips to Starbucks with his friends

Chandra - I wasn't suggesting that you take another loan to pay off the debt. I was trying to think of a way where you could budget - albeit slowly - to repay from your exisitng resources.

if your dh has neough money to go to Starbucks twice a day, I suggest you sit down and go through the joint finances again form the bootm up. Strabucks comes into "me money" - or pocket money in my estimation. You should both have the SAME amount of pocekt money. It may be that you need to recategorise: ie £10 each/week "pocket" money (Starbucks for dh, lipstick for you! ) and £10 for day trips/clothes etc. (That's assuming more than the £20 you mention, but your dh must be getting his money from somewhere).

Has your business totally stopped trading? Does it have ANY assets?

You've been in the UK for a long time now - stop seeing yourself as a second class citizen. Even if you can only get an appointment at the CAB in 3 or 4 weeks time, at least you are then doing something about it.

Why not look for a job - any job - outside your field? Even if it is just temporary summer work? On second thoughts, DON'T - not until you've got your dissertation out of the way. Do you need to do it or is there no chance of an extension?

Thanks JAnz, I was thinking in moving the debt to a 0% credit card until we manage to get out of this problem (DH may be getting a raise in april). I have looked for jobs in other subjects, I actually retrained but what I found really frustrating is that it's impossible to find a job in the area and with a small baby commuting means seeing him awake only during the weekends... the only jobs I have been offered are cleaning hotels or washing dishes in a restaurant, have other friends in the same situation but looking at the effect it has have on them I may refrain, I paid my first degree expenses by washing dishes in one of the University restaurants, and some way after all these years and hard work it doesn't feel quite right to do it again. But maybe that's the only option...

Hope you're feeling more on top of things today Chandra.

Have you talked to your dh?

I'm better today Janz, thanks. We had a good long chat yesterday night and have agreed in paying of the money I owe out of he "pension fund", I guess that one of the things that was stressing me more was that DH was always saying that if I didn't have the money I need to speak to them and told them I was not going to pay, once that he has accepted that contracts are contracts for a reason and you can't just walk out of them without paying a bit of the stress is gone.

Will also ask for an extension for the MA. I will speak with somebody from the U. today.

So things are better, still need to solve the problem of leaving but that will take longer, but in general I feel better (and more relaxed today), thanks.

And need to get an appointment with the GP... I'm quite convinced I'm suffering from depression.

Thank you very much Janz, I really appreciate your comments.

Hi Chandra

Just spotted this thread this morning - I have no other advice to add to the brilliant stuff on here already - but just wanted to send you hugs and to say you have got LOADS of support on mumsnet - use it to its full and we can help you out as much as we can.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Thanks Miaou, nice to see you again, havent seen anybody from the unkillable thread lately. How are you?

Oh Chandra! My heart breaks for you. I hate to think that you are so sad and scared. There are so many of your concerns that could be mine...The Starbucks comment really brought it home for me.

You have been so supportive to me and my family that I really wish I could help. My husband is the student in our family and we have so little money that I worry about every penny.

We are moving back to Canada (before October) mostly because I can't take it anymore and at least English is my first language.

Do you live in London? Could I watch your ds? Could someone near you help out? Where is your home country? Is there a community centre from your home country that might have a mother interested in watching him (as company for her children)?

All of the advice here is brilliant. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, PLEASE! Your mental health is as important as your physical health.

I am sending big hugs and warm vibes your way.

Chandra thinking about your MA can you not get round all the other research by putting conclusion you ere pleased to find your research backed by orther research after your own findings had been done so it confirms / makles your research valid.

Dear Chandra,I was so very sorry to read of all your problems.I see you have had lots of advice from others,I'm afraid I can't add any but I just wanted to send you {{hugs{}}} and let you know you're NOT useless,far from it some of the advice/remarks that you've made to others(me included)have been perceptive and ,I'm sure, valued.Love,B XX

Thabk you, you are so sweet! you don't know how much your comments help. [tearsy smile emoticon please]

Canadianmum thank you so much for your offer, you are very kind, I live in North Yorkshire so a bit far from you, but thanks. I'm happy to hear you are going back home, I love your country, had the time of mylife in British Columbia, I was lured into comming to England thinking the experience will be very simmilar, it wasn't but this is caused by my own current circumstances which are completely different from those at the time when I was in Canada. However, I'm so happy of having found Mumsnet, it has been a great help and I'm happy as well because if I ever manage to go back to my country I know I can take it with me

Thanks again

Chandra, North Yorkshire would be a bit of a commute...

B.C. was home for me. I grew up in Victoria. Our DS and DD were born in Alberta but we are moving to Ontario. Not exactly home but at least Canada. I guess home is just home.

I am really worried about you. Please continue to post and do think about seeing your GP. (Fine advice from someone who would rather have her finger nails pulled out!)

I will see the GP soon (as soon as I manage to get an appointment with the one I like), I really need to do something about this, this can't go on, my only worry is that by taking antidepresants I may be just hidding the real problem, I really feel is about time to organise a move back home.

Take lots of care of yourself Canadianmom, hope you also feel better soon {{{hugs{}}}, and many thanks.

Chandra, Do keep posting and asking lots of questions. There may be a chance that you can deal with your depression without ADs if you can get counselling. Sometimes you just really need to be heard. Keep venting here. We are all here to help as much as possible.

You are very brave for seeking advice on Mumsnet.

Big hugs.

There is a light at the end of my tunnel. I will be just fine and you will be too, in time.