Am I on the verge of a nervous breakdown?

[Chandra]

There have been several things going on in the last few weeks and I have been trying to sort up everything but I have started to find it very difficult.

1st. As many of you may be aware from my previous threads I'm really frustrated of not being able to work in my "area of knowledge" in UK because English is not my first language.

"nd. I have tried to convince DH to go back to one of our respective countries, no success, some weeks ago he said we will be going but again seems to have changed his mind/is not taking any steps to move (I guess he is waiting to see if I forget about it if he doesn't do anything)

3rd. I have been struggling seting up a business since last year which has used all of my savings and I still have some debts and don't have the money to pay them.

4th. I'm a 2nd yr MA student and got a terrible supervisor, is not that he is not helpful is that everytime I speak to him I go out of the office feeling somewhat useless and can't understand why he is so hard on me considering that I still qualify for distinction. Anyway any idea I mention he dismiss it as if it was cr*p...

5th. I have to turn my dissertation in Sept and have found a major mistake, I may need to start from zero again and I really think there's not enough time left before the deadline.

6th. DS's nursery payments are getting us severely in debt, have asked for help in several places but have not got enough. At home we organise finances by having an account were all the living expenses are taken from and we assigned ourselves a quantity per week so we don't over spend in extras (which is used for clothes, days out, and university expenses) when we set it up it was about £40 per week now is less than £20 and I'm always struggling to meet ends, so any "me" money is gone, even buying a lipstick is a major expense.

7. My sister's DS has been diagnosed with autism this week I wish I can go back to see my family (Mum has also been very bad lately), but have no money and can't get an appointment to get an american visa earlier than august.

8. I have fertility problems and we have been told that our chances of having another child are going steeply down, I know this is not the better time to have another child but I feel awful of DS having no siblings, we are alone in this country, and DH family is composed by 3 persons, my country is too far away, he would be terribly lonely if something ever happened to us.

9. Last night I had an anxiety attack and curled myself in a corner and couldn't stop crying. I had some "quiet life" pills in order to go to sleep. Today I have been in bed most of the day and trying to sort something out regarding the debts and MA, have been crying all morning.

Sorry for rambling (more than usual)

Chandra

BAck to the saga... I'm going from bad to worse:

Had been going to Relate and in the last session counselor asked why having a job was so important for me so, I answered that since I was a girl my dream was to become an artist (those with pencils and brushes), that I never dreamed to have a family (I just wanted a puppy), and I always found a lot of pleasure in reading, writing, philosophysing about things, and for a long time my greatest ambition was to direct an important creative team rather than getting married. I felt that most of my friends and X boyfriends and of course DH have been atracted to me because of what I can say rather than the way I look, and I'm very proud of that

So he started telling me that I was a "stunner", and that I was beautiful, and I felt really offended! first because he shouldn't be telling me that as a counselour and second because that's not the sort of compliments I value, as I find them a bit... sexist.

So he started digging in my past to see why a job had become so important for me and said that I needed to find a way to "deactivate" those drivers so I could enjoy the life I have got.

I went MAD!!!! I told him that I have sacrificed everything for DH to have his dream job, that I had been utterly miserable during the last 6 yrs and couldn't believe that now, after all that sacrifice he was telling me that I needed to "deactivate" those drivers who are the thing I'm more proud off. He said there was more to me than those drivers and I answered that I was me and my circumstances, and those drivers, wherever they have come from, have made me a confident person, provided a lot of fulfilment and that they were part of myself, and that he could not be suggesting to take them away. Then he proceeded to tell me that I was mother now and a high flyer career was not compatible with that to which I answered that my child was far better off with a happy working mum than a depressed full time mum and if he thought that I was even going to sacrifice who I am to save this marriage I prefered a divorce, that I couldn't betray myself any further and that it would take a lobotomy for me to achieve complete hapiness by having children and a house with flowers. (though I respect A LOT those women who can)

At this point the counselor looked to DH and told him, "I have been trying to get to her in the last 40 min and she is not cooperative, she is definitively sliding into deep depression and you need to take responsability for her as she is not in a position to decide for herself",

WHAT??? because I have stand for myself???

So I am now taking AD but with the firm decission of never seeing this counselor again, and totaly convinced that I need to do the things better by myself and for myself, that if I don't take care of myself and interests nobody will and as soon as I feel better, I'm leaving, it's up to DH if he wants to follow me or not.

Hi Chandra, sorry that you had such an unproductive experience at the Counsellor. It sounds like your Counsellor is completely clueless! The comments he made sounded completely inappropriate, and your Counsellor would quite simply not have the expertise to say if someone was deeply depressed or not. When I was depressed during PG I saw a counsellor at my GPs surgery who I found completely useless - so I guess that sometimes counsellors can just be wrong for you. What sort of AD's are you thinking of taking. I have found them very helpful but of course different people find they affect them different ways?

Take care

I have got some prescribed by the GP and from the box I believe they are "medium" strenght, Oh dear, husband is taking me away to sleep!!!! you see??? I can't decide for myself!!!!

Thanks Mummytosteven, I will try to be back soon...

Chandra, I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. I wish that I had some practical advice. I will be back in front of the computer this evening. Thinking of you.

...finally back after a long sleep...

I have been thinking a lot about this, how is it that the first time I opose a suggestion in counseling I end up being dealt as if I had a serious problem? I'm very sad, and true I am depressed but it's not out of the blue, I know what makes me sad (6 yrs of profesional frustration and loneliness), and I perfectly know what would make me happy. Why is it so bad that I want to have a part of my life back?

My counsellor is from Africa and he is always mentioning his marriage during the sessions, it seems that his wife had the same story I do, the only difference is that she has been trying for 20 yrs, so she is heavily depressed but he also has decided that he can not find a job like the one he has here if they go back to his country (though he can be a lecturer there...) and he also told me that children were first so she had to stay. I believe that children and husband's professional fulfilment are very important but why on Earth women have always to stand at the end of the queue? can I be first on the queue at least from time to time? why is that not possible?

your counsellors experience explains a lot - put it this way, it will be easier for him to live with himself if he thinks his wife is being unreasonable for wanting to go back to work, or that it is due to depression on her part than if he admits that he is stifling her ambitions. you are extremely unlucky to have got a counsellor who has this attitude. got to feed ds, will be back on in a bit.

Chandra I have only skim read the thread but have you thought about asking to see another counsellor? It seems very odd to me that a counsellor would 'put you down' in front of your husband during a session. he is supposed to be neutral and not really have an opinion. As for bringing his own relationship into the equation, surely this is unprofessional?

I have put my name in waiting list for another one, but I'm starting to wonder if it would really help...

I'm feeling a bit better today, thoough very mebarrased these things are happening.

ooops

Hey chandra, we go on and off to a great Relate counsellor. I don't remember where you are based (it isn't west london by any chance). Anyway, when we went to the very first session, the woman we met with was the person we now go to. We had the choice of going through relate (and therefore having to go on a waiting list) or going "private" (and therefore just booking directly and immediate appointment with the counsellor). It turned out that the "private" option was only £5 or £10 a session more. It was well worth the extra money to see who we wanted, when we wanted. Why don't you try and see about seeing someone "privately" as it seems that you really don't have a very good counsellor. Someone in that position should not be making comments about you to your husband.

Could I add that your position sounds a lot like mine with my first husband. I was an educated, intelligent woman who had always planned on a career, and ended up subjugating my career and needs to his career. I became extremely unhappy and depressed and my husband was forever telling me that I would never be happy and that I was just the type who would never be satisfied and that I ought to be happy because he was successful and making lots of money. The best thing that ever happened to me was when I decided to take charge and go back to school (well ok it was for my 3rd degree) and become and architect. It also spelled the end of my marriage because that wasn't what my first husband wanted in a wife, but it certainly suits my current dh! He loves to tell everyone that I'm the brains and he's the brawn and I'm in charge of the money.