Smokers or ex-smokers - what could someone have said to you when you were first experimenting with cigarettes, to make you stop?

[FrannyandZooey]

I have a friend who is 17 and just starting to have the odd cigarette when out with friends. She feels bad about it, and doesn't want to become addicted, but enjoys trying them and wants to "live life to the full" - experimenting being part of that.

She confessed this to me and I think she partly wants me to have a go at her and make her promise me she won't do it again. What can I say to her? I don't feel that promising another person not to smoke will have any effect, but just worsen her self-esteem if she chooses to smoke again.

I told her I personally wished I had never smoked - told her she WILL get addicted if she keeps having the odd one - and talked about the thousands of pounds I have spent on cigarettes, the wrinkles she can plainly see I have from smoking, and the fact I seem to have some kind of asthma now and for all I know, I will get lung cancer one day.

I also told her it makes you stink and that men that smoke can't get it up so well

I don't see what a lecture will achieve here but I would dearly like to be able to say something that will strike home with her and dissuade her from years of addiction that I had.

I worked as her nanny for several years and now we often go out together as friends so I think she sees me in a sort of big sister type role. What could anyone have said to you, that would have made a difference? Is there anything that can put young people off from experimenting, if they have a mind to?

My brother exhaled through a tissue and showed me the yellowy brown stain his breath made, and told me that that's what the inside of his body looked like. I must have been about 8 or 9, I think and the picture of that tissue has stayed with me and stopped me smoking.

Well, looking back on what I did I now most definitely think I was being a prat. I have an older cousin who I stayed with a lot and really looked up to. I think if she'd said to me that I looked like an idiot I'd have listened to her, but instead she took the line that I was a young woman and could make up my own mind. She also played the health card which just didn't work, and made me smoke outside but I didn't care about getting cold.

A lot of my motivation was rebelling against my parents. Didn't occur to me that they might be right.

i didn't start smoking cause of peer pressure or any of that, in fact i was strongly anti-smoking as a teen.

then i started getting stoned... i my first plain fag 2 weeks after starting smoking hash as we'd run out and i needed a smoke.... went downhill from there.

so basically nothing anyone said would have helped really.

i think though someone telling me that it would be so hard to give up when pregnant and the guilt when you slip up and put you're baby at risk is the worst feeling in the world might have made me pause to think

You say your friend feels bad about smoking. I don't see how her doing something she feels bad about is something to admire? I never felt bad about it, I must say.

If she feels bad she wants to be stopped.

Wouldn't it be better to admire her (and for her to feel good herself) for not following the crowd? Regardless of her parents, to do it for herself, not them or anyone else?

Nearly3 I do see what you mean

but I feel that maintaining my good relationship with her in the long term is more important than trying to influence her on this one issue

I feel if I get authoritarian about smoking and she carries on, she will be less likely to come to me again if she needs help with something else

I want to show her acceptance for her choices (this is one thing I never had as a young woman, an adult who accepted my choices)

I DO think she is entitled to make her own mind up, even if I could make it up for her by being frightening or disapproving

Yes I think doing something that makes you feel bad about yourself is something to be discouraged pretty firmly

that is a great point nearly3 and I will tell her that

It would have taken someone my age who I thought was really cool saying they don't fancy smokers.

I was very shallow at 14.

I don't think you need to be authoritarian. Be supportive of her autonomy. She doesn't need to do something that makes her feel bad. She doesn't need to risk being addicted to something. It's cool to be different, cool not to follow the crowd. Stuff her parents, what does she want?

I'm probably deeply influenced by the fact I wasnt to chew my own fist off with embarrassment whenever I think of my teenage self.

Sorry, crossed posts, Franny!

I think she is being different, that's the thing

her friends are generally nice sensible middle class children and this experimenting with cigarettes and a bit of hash is a fairly tentative and recent thing (they are 17)

but yes I will support her autonomy

she seems so naive and open which is one of her most appealing qualities

I bought her Catcher in the Rye for Christmas and she said "sorry, but I didn't really get it. I mean it was quite annoying. What was it meant to be about?" LOLOLOLOL

I'm not sure anything will stop her experimenting if she wants to - its difficult to relate to being old and ill when you're only 17. I smoked occasionally when out with friends at that age - the thing that stopped me smoking properly was my mum telling me that she started smoking when she was 14 and she said its up to me if I want to do the same but she'd rather I tell her about it than keep it secret. Suddenly it didn't seem very cool any more if my mum said it was ok, and once I was given 'permission' to do it I didn't want to!

Hmm, good point, where I grew up early smoking was the norm.

Whne I was 18 I went totally the other way -hung out at our local health store, turned veggie, got into the environment and spirituality...could you try nurturing her inner hippy???

I don't think that there is anything you can say - I know how you feel because as an ex-smoker it's really hard watching others make the same mistake of starting.
Allen Carr's "easyway" book helped me give up and I've heard he does one for teenagers - it might be worth a try

Could you point out the horrendous ethical record of the tobacco companies? And make the points that:

1. Big Tobacco has positioned cigarettes as a "rebellious choice" and "inevitable rite of passage for independent teenagers" as a deliberate - and cynical - marketing strategy. People who smoke are not so much making an individual statement as playing into the hands of "the man"...

1. Smoking kills more people worldwide (5 million) every year than HIV/AIDS (2.3 million)or malaria (over 1 million). A whopping 70% of these deaths are in the third world. Tobacco companies are targetting these "emerging markets" - including by marketing to children to increase their share value. Western smokers are - literally - buying into this.

1. The long and impressive careeer of the tobacco companies lying about the known health risks of smoking in order to protect sales / avoid regulation.

There's an American site - www.thetruth.com/ - which does quite a good number on the tobacco cos, including an ad satirising the marlboro man and his unfortunate brush with smoking related cancer...

well she's bang on about Catcher In The Rye, that's for sure. Holden Caulfield is an insufferable wanker. i think you've got to let people make their own mistakes, tbh, but i think if you say 'i'm letting you make your own mistake here' then at least you're flagging it up, and flagging up that you respect her rights and decisions as an adult. which is, in a way, more valuable than preventing her having a few fags.

Firepile some good points and quite different to those she will have heard before, I think

Aitch poor Holden

You have to see the funny side of a 17 year old saying it was a boring and pointless book though, haven't you? Haven't you?

loads and loads of helpful and interesting suggestions on here, and apologies if I have not replied to yours individually

She's certainly got her head screwed on if she thinks Holden's a wanker.

I love him even now.

pointydog yes I think she will go far

Its really interesting that most of us....(me included) have never smoked due to parents/grandparents smoking...the smell....being stuck in a car with smoking parents. All of these things seem to have been a huge deterrant. I do worry that my children....never having been exposed in any way to smokers or cigarette smoke...may be more tempted to try...because they have not seen the damage it can cause directly. Any other thoughts on this?

In fact, my parents have never smoked. My grandmother used to be an occasional smoker, and used to light up after lunch, while having her espresso. I'm ashamed to confess, that, even as a child, the smell of a freshly lit up cigarette and of coffee brewing made me feel so "at home" and protected...

the reason i hate that book was that i was taught it by a teacher who though holden was very cool... lawks.

I think for younger dcs (mine are 5, 3 and 10 mo) smoking will be like taking snuff - hopelessly outdated. TBH I'm far more concerned about the binge drinking culture - if Franny was saying her friend was joining in with that I'd be deeply worried, it's far more dangerous IMO, at least in the short term. I cannot for the life of me get my head around the Gov. going all out for smoking and encouraging 24 hr drinking.

agree with you nearlythree.
poor holden, he was far from being cool (should probably re read the book, I was 17 yrs old when I read it)

I did a non-smoking course years ago and was told that the tobacco companies don't have to put two warnings on their packets. apparently by law they only have to put one butonce they have you hooked they know that worried smokers smoke more. Does anyone know if that is true?

I think children of smokers are statistically more likely to smoke -it used to disgust me but even now the smell of lipstick and tobacco (my smoking mother used to spit in a tissue to wipe my face) makes me think of home in a comforting way.