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Original poster

mil been diagnosed with cancer of pancreous, liver, lung anyone any idea of how long we are looking at?

75 replies

longwaytogoandabitfurther · 08/03/2007 21:40

Don't know if children and I should go on w/e or if it will be ok to leave it two more w/e.

She has been deteriating since June but was only diagnosed yesterday. She has lost 3 stone since June is eating nothing - just drinking.

Just don't know what to do, some help please.

OP posts:
crystalpony · 08/03/2007 23:04

Again, can I ask, how is your husband, I take it this is his mother?

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 08/03/2007 23:21

Dg has cancer and has just be sent home from nursing home today were he was to get his med's sorted. Df sleeping tonight and aunts are all taking it in turns to stay with him at night. He only has weeks if not days left so now how you feel. If she's only been given paracetamol she still has some time. gf was on paracetamol 4 weeks ago this stopped working and now his on morphine patches. I'm affaid that once morphine is introduced the end is near. sorry to sound negative but only lost nan 18 mths ago and now grandad dieing of cancer it's all too hard to take. I'd say you can leave it a couple of week ends the children have lives too and if she's anything like my dg she would want them to have their fun. The choice is yours but paracetamol is not a very strong pain killer and towards the end cancer becomes painful. Just wait whats happening if after this weekend she needs stronger pain relief than take them next weekend. If she only had days the hospital would have said or kept her in this is my experience of cancer. So sorry that you are facing the same loss as me it hurts and I have no idea why this thing has started to become so wide spend.

charlottegeorgiaolivermums · 08/03/2007 23:27

i agree with 3littlefrogs that you can take the children out of school if next weekend seems to far way but call the community nurse at the gp practice they should be able to tell you whats happening and what she needs if she can't she will now who is looking after the community home visits and get you their number. Again so sorry my dg was diagnosed in November 2006 and like i said the end is near he's suffering now. nan was diagnosed in June 2004 and we lost her in May 2005. I'll remember you all in my prays

NorksBride · 08/03/2007 23:44

I would also take DCs out of school to visit sooner rather than later.

My DF had a brain tumour removed but had already developed lung & liver cancer. The consultant said he had about 6mths to live but he lived for a further 2yrs. It was only the last month that he was really ill and his last week he was unconscious. We were also denied hospice bed at this point but I had huge argument with them and won - my mother was completely unable to cope and he was too heavy for me to manage on my own, plus I was commuting to London to work everyday and wasn't there to administer morphine. I know hospices are under pressure but it's bloody absurd to expect families to manage.

You have my sympathy and I hope your visit goes well

Chandra · 08/03/2007 23:52

I think you should go ASAP... there's no time, she may deteriorate so rapidly that she may no longer realise you are there if you take quite long. Obviously, she may also have some more months to live but in any case I think it's really important that she realised you all care but showing up immediatly rather than find a space in a busy children agenda. There will be plenty of time and opportunities to make up for the activities the children will miss if you visit this weekend.

The only person who can give you a "time estimate" is the clinician who is in charge of her case but, as a rhough reference... FIL started to loose weight at the beginning of the summer, was diagnosed with pancreas cancer in August, had an operation in September during which they realised the cancer had spread and he was gone 2 weeks later

I'm glad we took the time to visit every weekend (he lived in Spain and us, here), but I would have regretted highly not to visit so often, we would have missed some precious time.

Nome · 08/03/2007 23:52

My SIL was diagnosed with this at the end of June and died at the beginning of September. By the time they work out that it is the pancreas, there's not much they can do and we were told that best case would be a year. We were shocked that it was only 11 weeks.

I wouldn't wait to visit, as she deteriorates she will be less able to cope with seeing people.

wotzsaname · 08/03/2007 23:55

I would not delay. My mums friend had bowel cancer and wasn't diagnosed until 3 weeks before she died.

They visited on the Saturday and she died the next day. Very sad.

triplets · 09/03/2007 09:07

So sorry to hear this. My lovely Dad went into hospital with a suspected heart attack, it turned out it was not his heart. Within two days we were told he had cancer in his liver, stomach, osphogus and spleen, total shock, he never lost any weight. From diagnosis he died within two weeks, we just couldn`t believe it. Please go xxxx

Soapbox · 09/03/2007 09:12

Definitely go - in a years time or 20 years time the children won't remember missing a concert but if you don't go they will probably always recall not being able to say a proper goodbye to their grandmother.

Granny also needs to see them too!

Socci · 09/03/2007 09:17

Message withdrawn

kslatts · 09/03/2007 10:12

My SIL passed away last month. She was taken in for tests 5 days late told she had cancer and died 6 days later. I wouldn't wait.

Blu · 09/03/2007 10:16

All very sad.
Can you drive up after the event and stay through the nest day, or make a return trip in a day if the events don't take the whole w/e?

quietmouse · 09/03/2007 10:17

I know of a lady who was diagnosed on the Friday and died on the Sunday it can be really sudden sometimes.

I really feel you should take them, regardless of what other commitments you or they may have.

bigcar · 09/03/2007 10:19

Sorry to hear your news. Id go to visit, shed probably love to see you. If you want more support and info try www.cancerbacup.org.uk its very good. Sorry cant do those link things!

Hulababy · 09/03/2007 10:22

TBH I would visit sooner rather than later and with the children. Even if it means missing activities or missing school. Some things are more important IMO.

mm22bys · 09/03/2007 10:28

I am so sorry to hear this news. How awful for all concerned.

I think you should go ASAP.

We have had similar news this morning about my FIL - he has a recurrence of bowel cancer. He is going in for more tests over the next few weeks, but I don't honestly know how long he has.

He is in Australia, we are in the UK, we are actually due to fly out to Oz in just over three weeks but don't know now if we should go sooner (especially after reading all the responses to your OP).

DH was only going to go for about 3 weeks, me for about 6, but now with this latest news we might be going indefinitely....

My heart goes out to you, all the best, and I hope your MILs last time here is as peaceful as possible...

losty · 09/03/2007 10:37

I dont know why I opened this thread, because I knew it would upset me. I feel so sorry for all those on here who are going through or have been through terrible times.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}

kimi · 09/03/2007 10:41

Longway, I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family.
My advice would be GO VISIT NOW.
We lost a friend last year to this type of cancer, maybe you will find this some help.
www.pancreaticcancer.org.uk
They are very very good.
((((hugs))))

mummydoc · 09/03/2007 10:46

sorry to hear your news - i would go this weekend , difficult to comment on actual timeframe as each case is different but pancreatic cancer is very aggressive and it may literally be a few weeks, her treatment sounds dreadful

saltire · 09/03/2007 10:46

I agree with what the majority of people on here seem to have said - I would go this weekend. As soapy said, your children may look back on this in 20 years time and feel regret that they couldn't go. In the past 8 years I have lost four family memebers to cancer, some were diagnosed and sent home to die, others survived for motnhs. I think none of us can tell how long a sufferer will last, so I would go.
Also get back to macmillan cancer care and speak to them, they are great

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 09/03/2007 10:53

thanks to all those who have replied. I have made the decision we are going when i have picked the lo's up from nursery and playgroup.

But I am having hell with eldest dd she is insistent that she is not going to see her. I've had her in tears all morning insisting that I drop her off somewhere before we go.

I have told her that she has to come and make the decision of whether to see her nan when we get there. She can stay with my mother if she really doesn't want to go. At the end of the day I can't force her to see her. I've tried the you'll regret it for the rest of your life but then apparantly i'm horrible.

Please, please pray that she will change her mind.

h is ok busying himself with practical stuff. He was supposed to be moving out this w/e after telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. Life has been hell since christmas. But this isn't about me - its about him and the children. I'm just trying to the right thing by everyone and its flaming hard.

OP posts:
saltire · 09/03/2007 10:56

Perhaps your older child is scared? She is at an age where she obviously understands what is going on, and what cancer is and what it means. It's possible she has read things about it and has maybe got herself scared at what her granny may be like.
I wouldn't force her, but if she stays with your mum, then perhaps she (your mum) could have a wee chat with her.

Original poster
longwaytogoandabitfurther · 09/03/2007 10:58

sil has talked to her this morning and says she can go out with them tomorrow. i know she's scared. She doesn't do death at all well she still gets upset about ggm who died 10 years ago - she was only 4 then. and about all other people she has known that have died.

OP posts:
Frizbe · 09/03/2007 10:59

and {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} Your doing so well to be strong for everyone, I admire you. Your definately doing the right thing in going. I hope your dd changes her mind.

ChopinRocks · 09/03/2007 11:01

what a hell situation. How awful. Just get this weekend over with, dont worry about the eldest dd, its her choice. My dd was 6 going on 7 when my fil was diagnosed with cancer and i chose not to let her see him towards the very end as he wasnt looking good. She saw him throughout the time he was having chemo.

Also, my marriage fell apart as my dh was unable to express his grief and consequently he took it out on me and my dd. he left for six months around four months after fil died. We got back together six months later which is almost a year ago and things are different. I say different as we have both really changed. We respect each other more now as although i now know he left as he was struggling with dealing with fil dieing, he also took me to absolute hell and back.

I really feel for you.