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Original poster

Checking breasts for three hours

68 replies

Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 20:59

As it says. Been checking breasts for three hours. Lies in bed. In all different positions.

I'm driving myself mad. I can't feel any unusual lumps.

I just feel like ten percent of the time one breast feels more dense then the other one. I could be imagining it. My boons are vvvv small and I can feel everything. I'm digging in really hard.

In the last four days I must have checked myself 200 times and now my breasts feel numb.

I'm starting to punch myself in my boons because I'm so scared and fustrated. I can't go to the GP as she will definitely refer me to the breast clinic and then I have all over Christmas waiting. Plus in 90 percent of possotions they feel EXACTLY THE SAME.

It's just underneath one feels it feels bit thicker... Sometimes. It could be in my head. I'm 26 and got the smallest breasts in the world.

I have been checking them for three hour and now my hands and wrists are aching and neck is sore.

Help me

OP posts:
HopperBusTicket · 20/12/2016 21:26

Choccy - please don't hurt yourself. In the immediate term try to do something calming that will take your mind off wanting to check your breasts. A favourite light hearted programme? Maybe set yourself a limit - you'll check your breasts once a day at 8am (even though this is more than you need to).

I definitely think you need to go back and speak to someone about your health anxiety. This is not good for you.

Take care.

PollyHampton · 20/12/2016 21:27

If you're punching them and digging in you will bruise then probably feel lumps because of the bruising.

Find something else to occupy your hands and phone the GP first thing tomorrow about your anxiety. You know this isn't right so get in there and get it sorted properly asap.

Original poster
Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 21:30

I'm convinced I had aggressive lymp something cancer. That's all I could read on the internet. I haven't got one suspicious lump

OP posts:
Original poster
Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 21:31

*have....Not had

OP posts:
Original poster
Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 21:37

How can you get on with normal life when you could have cancer?

I need to check as if they feel normal.and I can't feel anything I feel calmer but I can't stay calm if I actually have cancer so I need to check again incase I have missed something and I am being calm when I should be panicking.

I only have two sessions of CBT left and I'm worse then when I began it

OP posts:
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 20/12/2016 21:39

Hi Choccywokky, we're so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. We shall be messaging you privately but please do seek help in real life.
Thankyou to everyone for offering their support

Dailyfuckingsnail · 20/12/2016 21:44

Choccy.

You won't have anything aggressive. You won't. And you know you won't.

You have not mentioned any other symptoms. Because you don't have them.

Stop it. Focus on your breathing. Lots of deep breaths.

Cguk81 · 20/12/2016 21:49

I would bet all my savings that you do not have cancer. You definitely do however have health anxiety by the sounds of it. What you are currently doing is ruminating and catatrosphising. It's horrendous, I've been there. The first thing you need to do is break the cycle of your ruminating thoughts. Distraction is good for this. So basically just make yourself very busy foe a day. And stay off google! That gives your mind a chance to regroup. Also try writing things down. Did you feel like this before you had children? It's very common to have health anxiety after you have children as you become much more aware of your own mortality.

Original poster
Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 21:59

I'm 26. I have had health anxiety since I was 17 when my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer and it's all my family talked about.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 20/12/2016 22:16

So maybe you are suffering from some sort of post traumatic thing that needs a different approach to cbt?

Original poster
Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 22:20

I agree but what kind of approach?

OP posts:
fruitysmoothie · 20/12/2016 22:23

If you want to talk about health anxiety hunny feel free to message me, I've been through it and come out the other side, I know how difficult it is xx

Wolfiefan · 20/12/2016 22:24

Please contact your GP tomorrow. You need urgent help with your health anxiety.

MollyRedskirts · 20/12/2016 22:26

I have had breast cancer. I don't go poking around for hours. I do a quick sweep when I'm in the shower. I certainly don't go digging. There is fuck all wrong with your breasts and you KNOW that. Leave them alone.

Please go and talk to your GP about whether CBT is working for you. You are actively hurting yourself doing this.

Original poster
Choccywokky · 20/12/2016 22:30

Molly I'm digging that hard I'm getting through to my ribs past all the little wobbly movable lumps etc

OP posts:
peaceloveandbiscuits · 20/12/2016 22:34

It sounds very much like you have PTSD. I related to your post about needing to check just in case, because how can you relax if "it" really is true? My PTSD-related anxiety didn't manifest in health, but in socialisation. I was obsessed with the idea that people hated me, because that related to the original trauma. Your original trauma was your relative's cancer, and that's why your anxiety is focused on cancer and health problems.
I don't think CBT is going to be helpful for you. I think you need deeper investigation into possible PTSD and certainly some kind of trauma counselling to help you deal with the original trauma.
Are you taking any medication to help your mental health?
Please go to the GP as soon as possible and talk about this. I think they are focusing on the behavioural issues (the obsessive checking) rather than the root cause.
Lots of love to you FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
Choccywokky · 21/12/2016 00:21

Peace..When I was 17 and my sister-in-law had breast cancer , I lost something too illness, very young ..Too young and suddenly. It was my all. What I woke up for and what filled my day. It made me who I was. Sat in the waiting room waiting for results and being told bad news, having bad news phone calls. Then saying goodbye. All because of some illness that suddenly crept up. We was ok until one day, everything changed.Then I didn't speak a out it for three years. Not a word until my little boy was born. He replaced what was missing for me

OP posts:
closephine85 · 21/12/2016 05:43

Chocky, you do sound very similar to what I went through/still go through but to a lesser extent. When I was a teen I lost one of my best friends to cancer. From then on I would worry about getting it myself and check myself regularly. However, when my son was born it suddenly blew up! I was OBSESSED I remember spending an entire day googling radial melanomas and convincing myself the most tiny mole on my
back most certainly was one. My first step was the GP to check the mole, thankfully he did a bit of digging and he referred me for some bereavement counselling and it worked wonders. I think I have managed to work out that although I am checking myself constantly for cancer, my actual fear is dying and being separated from my son/not see him growing up/him having memories of me. Is your little boy still very young? Mine has improved a lot with time. Sadly I don't think it will ever go away completely but if you can try and rationalise and get to the bottom of WHY you are doing it, it will help. I think maybe GP in the morning if you can. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Choccywokky · 21/12/2016 08:12

Thanks everyone. I don't want to check them today. I have checked them that much and many times since Friday I feel like I'm really going to damage myself.

We have a family day out planned today so. Going to have to hold my head up high, not check, and get on with the day. I'm gutted that I feel so worryfull on this day we have had planned for weeks.

I did have a quick feel this morning and one does feel abit different to the other one tho in certain positions but I'm not sure about that....

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/12/2016 08:14

Please phone your GP and make an urgent appointment to deal with your health anxiety. It can't wait.

Original poster
Choccywokky · 21/12/2016 08:16

I have an appointment with my CBT councilor tomorrow. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow and take my husband with me.

I could have cancer tho. A kind of cancer where your breast has a thickening. Oh no. I can't stop thinking about it and what will happen to my children

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 21/12/2016 08:35

You won't have. I have thicker tissue in one breast than the other. It's normal.

Original poster
Choccywokky · 21/12/2016 08:38

I'm a GPS now. It's an open surgery so I should get seen before 9.30.

What if she refers me to the breast clinic? Then she might think I have symptoms of cancer. I have to wait all over Christmas with that hanging over me. I'm shaking like a leaf

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Original poster
Choccywokky · 21/12/2016 08:41

If I have to go to the breast clinic then this is the third time in three years. I'm only 26

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 21/12/2016 08:47

I fear that nothing your GP does will reassure you enough OP. I understand how you feel as I have HA too. Even if she does refer you to the breast clinic just think back to the last time you went. It was really busy right? Loads of patients there? And that was just one day in one breast clinic in one hospital in the U.K. Think how many people go to breast clinic every day of every week in every hospital in this country - only a tiny percentage of them will actually end up being diagnosed with breast cancer. I understand your anxiety I really do - it's a constant stream of intrusive thoughts that you can't control. You are doing the right thing seeing a CBT therapist but I really think you should also tell your GP today how you are really feeling. Good luck Flowers

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