Checking breasts for three hours

[Choccywokky]

As it says. Been checking breasts for three hours. Lies in bed. In all different positions.

I'm driving myself mad. I can't feel any unusual lumps.

I just feel like ten percent of the time one breast feels more dense then the other one. I could be imagining it. My boons are vvvv small and I can feel everything. I'm digging in really hard.

In the last four days I must have checked myself 200 times and now my breasts feel numb.

I'm starting to punch myself in my boons because I'm so scared and fustrated. I can't go to the GP as she will definitely refer me to the breast clinic and then I have all over Christmas waiting. Plus in 90 percent of possotions they feel EXACTLY THE SAME.

It's just underneath one feels it feels bit thicker... Sometimes. It could be in my head. I'm 26 and got the smallest breasts in the world.

I have been checking them for three hour and now my hands and wrists are aching and neck is sore.

Help me

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

Huzzah! It's a Christmas miracle!

[Blue2014]

That's much better Choc - glad they listened to what you need. Good luck, you can do this

[Choccywokky]

For anyone who is reading this in the future....

I went to see my CBT therapist today. She said I had two more sessions left and that she didn't think two more sessions of low intensity CBT would help me. Therefore she has referred me for high intensity CBT. This is 14 sessions at around 50 mins a time.

I hope this is more suitable for me.

[Choccywokky]

She has such a good memory. She asked me about my wedding which happened three months ago. About my childs excema. Asked to look at wedding pics. Asked about husband. Asked me about previous medical problems

She's amazing

[Choccywokky]

I have been literally digging in. She just kind of went over them while I had my hands in the air. She said sometimes one can feel thicker then the other

[Blue2014]

Don't give up on CBT yet, it's very early days - it's not supposed to have 'worked' yet.

And please please stop checking so much, you will find out whatever you want to find it you look hard enough.

[Choccywokky]

We are off to Gulliver's world, breakfast with Santa .

She asked me if I would like to be referred to the breast clinic. I said noooooooo

She had a little feel. No digging in.
She asked me if I believed her. I said I did, gave her a hug and ran the bloody hell out of there.

[fluffiphlox]

Go home, have a cup of tea and go for a walk with your family. Very therapeutic is the outdoors. Have a good Christmas and leave your 'boons' alone.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

That was quick!

Go home and do exactly what she told you

[Choccywokky]

She said she could t feel anythjng and to have a nice Christmas

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

You're in the right place.

[Choccywokky]

Thankyou peace. What you said calmed me down for a few minutes. Two more people before me now. Two drs on but drs are with patients. I'm violently shaking and i have tears running down my facem. I must look a sight

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

You're not letting anyone down. Honestly, your GP is letting you down if she doesn't see through this and refer you to a psychiatrist for immediate investigation into your severe anxiety. It's crippling you!
I think you're onto something when you say you crave that "all clear" feeling, and that's what you're chasing. This is deep psychology and you need more than a few sessions of CBT to tackle this.
You don't have to live like this, you can be free

[Choccywokky]

What a shit mum. Shit wife. I have to see the GP tho. I can't go another day. What a shit I am. I'm so selfish. But my left breast does feel different

[Choccywokky]

Ahhhhhh the female Dr...my Dr...Is running late. I promised my husband I'll be back for half nine for our day out to start. Oh no. I'm letting my little family down. I left the house with them still in their pjs

[Choccywokky]

Polly I know. I know. I need the feeling the gp gives me when she gives me the all clear. The feeling of feeling as light as a feather and the manic 'getting on with my life' feeling.

There is no way I can stop checking. It's like not itching a very itchy itch. I need to check now. The toilets need a key tho and everyone looks up to watch you asking for the key etc

[Pollyxcx]

Choccy

I'm not going to tell you to stop checking. I know that no matter how many times we or your doctor tells you nothing is wrong that you will still not believe us. That the urge will still be there. You said yourself that it was cervical cancer you were worried about before? And now it's back to your breasts? And before the cervical fears it was breasts as well?

You can see that your anxiety is cyclical. You get over one fear and then your anxiety (which is the actual issue) just latches on to the next problem.

You are trying to escape from the anxiety and the fear. That maybe if you check one more time then they will feel ok and your anxiety will lessen. The sickness and the runs and the not eating is just a symptom of too much adrenaline.

At the root of all of this is anxiety. That's what needs dealing with here.

[Choccywokky]

Ella...When I walk in the room I know I'm going to burst into tears and beg her not to refere me unless she has too.

She knows me well and has given me many hugs.

Now my breast is burning again but I don't know is if that's from all the prodding

[Ellapaella]

I fear that nothing your GP does will reassure you enough OP. I understand how you feel as I have HA too. Even if she does refer you to the breast clinic just think back to the last time you went. It was really busy right? Loads of patients there? And that was just one day in one breast clinic in one hospital in the U.K. Think how many people go to breast clinic every day of every week in every hospital in this country - only a tiny percentage of them will actually end up being diagnosed with breast cancer. I understand your anxiety I really do - it's a constant stream of intrusive thoughts that you can't control. You are doing the right thing seeing a CBT therapist but I really think you should also tell your GP today how you are really feeling. Good luck

[Choccywokky]

If I have to go to the breast clinic then this is the third time in three years. I'm only 26

[Choccywokky]

I'm a GPS now. It's an open surgery so I should get seen before 9.30.

What if she refers me to the breast clinic? Then she might think I have symptoms of cancer. I have to wait all over Christmas with that hanging over me. I'm shaking like a leaf

[Haggisfish]

You won't have. I have thicker tissue in one breast than the other. It's normal.

[Choccywokky]

I have an appointment with my CBT councilor tomorrow. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow and take my husband with me.

I could have cancer tho. A kind of cancer where your breast has a thickening. Oh no. I can't stop thinking about it and what will happen to my children

[Wolfiefan]

Please phone your GP and make an urgent appointment to deal with your health anxiety. It can't wait.

[Choccywokky]

Thanks everyone. I don't want to check them today. I have checked them that much and many times since Friday I feel like I'm really going to damage myself.

We have a family day out planned today so. Going to have to hold my head up high, not check, and get on with the day. I'm gutted that I feel so worryfull on this day we have had planned for weeks.

I did have a quick feel this morning and one does feel abit different to the other one tho in certain positions but I'm not sure about that....