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Original poster

I'm being taken over by Anorexia

75 replies

takenoverbyanorexia · 08/02/2007 19:25

Oh God....

I suffered from anorexia for 13 years from early childhood, I managed to fight it and keep it at bay for the last 5 years but recently (about the last 3 days) I can feel it comming back with revenge

I so don't want to fall back into its grasp. I have two babies and I'm a loan parent so I have to be there for them. Its just gripped me so tight I cant see it letting go. I don't want any docors or anyone to know or they wont think I'm a fit parent! I don't know what to do.

When I was 9 years old I only weighed 3 stone! I don't think my body could take another bout

OP posts:

Perigrine · 09/02/2007 19:16

Hillary,

Stop searching for Pro Ana stuff!!!! Take one day at a time, try to relax -

I wish you all the luck in the world, you CAN BEAT THIS!

Hillary · 09/02/2007 19:24

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2007 19:53

seriously hillary, if you can't trust yourself not to look at sick people on the internet shouldn't you shut down the computer and watch telly fo the night? (i'm not talking about mners, btw )

Perigrine · 09/02/2007 20:07

Hilary, if are really struggling, CAT me and I will give you my phone number and you can speak to me when you are struggling!!!! REALLY stop looking up Ana stuff on the internet!!!!!!!!

Hillary · 09/02/2007 20:47

I was looking in a positive way - I was trying to find a ed treatment clinic in my area, I thought maybe I should put myself in one. I know I need to be watched & monitored as I know if allowed I will do damage - serious damage.

The NHS is not great and I'm a bit of a lost cause.

I admit I did look at the pro ana sites too sorry, I was just a bit shocked at the stuff on ebay, I am trying though.

3andnomore · 09/02/2007 20:54

Do you know the reason why you are going back this way? Is there something in your life that makes you want to seek that "control" ?
Any chance of "rechanelling" this into something else, something more positive? YOu obviously love your children.
Hope you do seek help, though, you are not a bad mother, you wouldn't worry about your Kids right now, if you were!

Perigrine · 09/02/2007 21:01

I have sent you a CAT! speak soon! Chin up and have a hot chocolate tonight!

Hillary · 09/02/2007 21:17

Hi perigrine

I think I'v enabled CAT but I don't think mine actually works - it gives out your email address and as im in hiding I cant let anyone I havn't vetted know it.

Chocolate

Hillary · 09/02/2007 23:01

Does anyone think I should fork out and go to a private residential clinic or get treatment via the NHS?

Hillary · 09/02/2007 23:39

Thank you for all your help girls

I'm going to toddle off as if I post anymore I think I'm going to annoy you all.

Thank you again x

hellobello · 10/02/2007 19:32

How have you been today? Well done for throwing out the scales. It's weird how they mash ones head, after all, you weigh less on the equator and more when you jump, and unless you spend a lot of time totally static your weight will move around whatever. Have you been in touch with EDA? Keep posting. How were you treated before? What helped in your recovery before?

Hillary · 11/02/2007 19:08

Just to let you all know I have booked myself into a private residential treatment clinic.

Im going in tomorrow so wish me luck

Dottydot · 11/02/2007 19:19

oh Hillary - wishing you tons of luck. How long will you be in for? I really hope it helps and you get the support you need - and we're all here as well when you get back. I was thinking about you the other night and thinking that although I've got exactly the opposite problem (too big - find it really hard to lose weight), there are lots of similarities as well. Difficult/impossible relationshp with food, body image, emotions tied in with food etc. The way I'm dealing with it at the moment is to be almost obsessive about counting calories (and keeping them low!) - didn't know if it would help you as well - to calorie count what you eat and then try to increase that amount every day by 50-100? Probably talking nonsense - sorry...

Will be thinking of you and wishing you the very best!

Yurtgirl · 11/02/2007 19:35

I really hope you find it helpful Hillary

{{{{{{}}}}}}}} to you

PeachyClair · 11/02/2007 19:36

Oh Hilary- wow you! What abrave and incredibly positive thing to do! Good luck sweetheart, thinking of you

Beauregard · 11/02/2007 19:37

Im glad that you have taken charge.
Good luck and i wish you lots of strength

lulumama · 11/02/2007 19:38

well done hilary....what a positive move, all the best to you xx

lizziemun · 11/02/2007 19:57

I have been reading but not been able to post earier today, i glad you booked into private residential treatment clinic, as your know NHS care is quite bad for anorexia.

My SIL works at a clinic for teen anorexia's and they have had to make some staff redundent because the nhs aren't funding the children to be placed there for help.

Anyway i hope it all goes well for you.

Aufish · 11/02/2007 20:07

I know you have done the right thing in saying you need help. You have made one of the biggest steps in recovering from this awful disorder. I know this as I was in your position 3 years ago. I suffered from anoreixa and bulimia for 14 years and it was hard work breaking the cycle, but with support and love you will come through it all. As for thinking the worst as far as drs and admitting your problem, I know how difficult it is and yes you will think they will think you are an unfit mum, but I started my programme as a lone parent of four kids and they still all live with me now. Your doctor will not judge you, like what has been suggested already ask to see a female doctor as it is easier to talk to them about you eating problems. I would see my doctor every 2 weeks and a CPN every week and I would have to take a food diary with me everywhere I went and I admit I hated it and said I couldn't do it and had terrible depression as I went through my treatment. BUT and I mean BUT with love and support you can get through it, it takes time and yes there are times when I feel like going back but I look at pictures and think never again. I am now a healthy weight for my height and I am a hell of alot happier now as I am than what I was. Please feel free to ask any question you want and I WILL try and help you.

Hillary · 11/02/2007 21:15

Thank you guys (Its costing a fortune but whats the price health) I don't know how long I'm going to be in there, up to the dr's I suppose, I know its going to be really hard but I suppose thats life!

I'm not allowed any outside contact in case of triggering/influence etc so will miss you all.

I'l post as soon as I get out of doing my time

Hulababy · 11/02/2007 21:24

Good luck.

Aufish · 11/02/2007 22:49

Good luck hun, you will get there. There is light at the tunnel.

hillary · 16/02/2007 19:00

Hi Guys

I came out of clinic today, I'v got to go back as an outpatient though but I'v been allowed to come home.

Got some really possitive support, was a good descision I think, I have coping methods now, have to have weekly weighings etc.

hellobello · 16/02/2007 19:06

Wellcome back! Lots of hugs and encouragement for a full recovery!

Dottydot · 17/02/2007 12:50

Hillary - good to hear from you and glad you've got some help!

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