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Original poster

I'm being taken over by Anorexia

75 replies

takenoverbyanorexia · 08/02/2007 19:25

Oh God....

I suffered from anorexia for 13 years from early childhood, I managed to fight it and keep it at bay for the last 5 years but recently (about the last 3 days) I can feel it comming back with revenge

I so don't want to fall back into its grasp. I have two babies and I'm a loan parent so I have to be there for them. Its just gripped me so tight I cant see it letting go. I don't want any docors or anyone to know or they wont think I'm a fit parent! I don't know what to do.

When I was 9 years old I only weighed 3 stone! I don't think my body could take another bout

OP posts:

Hillary · 08/02/2007 23:50

Ok....

I'l keep them in the cupbord which creaks so I won't be tempted to open it & wake up babies. I'l throw them away on monday to coinside with the dr's trip.

AitchTwoOh · 08/02/2007 23:53

you banned the scales for a good reason, they're not healthy for you to have in the house. sweetheart, you must go to the doctor before you get too weakened. you know how powerful this is, you've beaten it back before and you can again, but you must act now.

colditz · 08/02/2007 23:53

Ok, but why do you want to keep them if you aren't going to use them? That's my point, really. If you are going to keep them, you are going to use them. There's no point, IMHO, putting them away anywhere, because you'll just get them out again.

You need to go to the doctor tomorrow. Not Monday. Losing 1/2 stone in a week due to anything is a yhealth crisis and needs to be seen NOW.

AitchTwoOh · 08/02/2007 23:53

why can't you dump them in an outside bin right now?

colditz · 08/02/2007 23:54

If you were talking to me now, what would you tell me to do? If I had posted what you just have?

Hillary · 09/02/2007 00:00

I hear you

Just the letting go, sounded good to me but then so does 4 stone, I know what you're saying it will reverse on me, I'l try and loose instead.

I would say throw them away (practace what you preach)

colditz · 09/02/2007 00:03

So are you going to go to the doctors tomorrow, hillary?

I think you are right, it will reverse on you, and you know it will reverse on you, and in some perverse way that is why you don't want to throw them out.

I really think you should do it right now, this minute. take them up the garden and smash them with a hammer. you have no reason not to.

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2007 00:03

throw them away, then.

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2007 00:04

yep, smash them up, i agree.

Hillary · 09/02/2007 00:13

I think my neighbours may have me sectioned quicker than the GP!!

Yes I think you've hit the nail on the head about wanting to hang on to them, Its like being free, free from the constant fight of keeping it at bay, strangely its relaxing but I recognise it and know its wrong.

I dont want to but I suppose I must throw them out, I'm trying to think of every excuse under the sun not to but I will.

I was going to change dr's tomorrow and if not any better by monday then make an appointment on monday morning.

colditz · 09/02/2007 00:19

do you honestly (and this is a question I really want you to think about) think you are getting better, and will be getting better by Monday? Or are you avaoiding interferance although you know you need it?

From what I have read here, I suspect it is the latter, but only you know the true answer. You can get seen tomorrow by a docotor if you try to.

colditz · 09/02/2007 00:20

I do understand. about feeling free from keeping it at bay, I really do.

Hillary · 09/02/2007 00:34

I'm concerned about my babies - I know it sounds crazy as I'm practicing a deadly illness which puts them at risk anyway but I don't want to loose them.

If the GP goes over my history they're going to know how bad I was before, they will think I'm an unfit parent and have social services put my babies into care.

I wanted to see if I could get somewhat back on track by monday, I know its a long shot, in all honesty I'l probably be on the pills by then.

You seem to have me summed up, its so nice not to fight it, its like having an illness when your well and being normal when your in the depths of it grasp.

If I didn't have the babies I would probably be dead by now. I just wanted to try.

colditz · 09/02/2007 00:43

That's because being well takes sustained effort, all the time.

I had a nervous breakdown last year. Called the duty doctor, hysterical, screaming and wailing that I could not stop shouting and breaking things.

SS were not even informed. I told them I didn't want to hurt my children, and they took it at that.

And I was violent! not to them, but still!

The SS, if they are ever even remortely intwerested, which I doubt, will monitor you before they make the slightest step to take away your children. At tthe minute I am presuming they would have no reason to at all.

Please please don't let your fear of the Social Services stop you getting tyhe help you deserve. The longer you leave it, the more likely they are to want to see you, because the longer you leave it, the iller you may be.

I don't have you sussed, as such, I just recognise a few of my own responses in yours.

Hillary · 09/02/2007 00:59

ThanQ for your help, I will go to the dr tomorrow and try and get an appointment

I suppose i'm just the spit out of such a *ckd up life.

I was abused as a child in all forms, my partner was also violent & controlling, my sister tried to kill herself, when my DD2 was born she contracted a gbs infection was on life support and nearly died, then i had to pick my children up and run away to safety, leaving all friends and family behind to never return again.

I'm sorry about your N.Breakdown - I hope you are better now?

I would never hurt my babies they are my world.

PeachyClair · 09/02/2007 08:30

good morning Hilary- hope you feel that you are moving towards recovery today . You are being very brave in all this.

You do sound like my friend, I know you're not- different age to kids etc- but a scary parallel (her DH is now in Thailand where he runs a porn empire and is trying to open a brothel in Wellington!!!!!)

Those sites and the scales- the rush when you see your weight go down/ get a comparison is great yes it is, but if it means you get so ill you can't look aftr the kids and end up in a psychiatric unit- quite. Nothing upon this earth is worth that, is it?

Make sure you have a breakfast (apple is better than nothing) and remember we are all here- you have a support network now my lovely!

Hulababy · 09/02/2007 08:46

Morning hilary.

You have dione the first step, and one of the hardest too - you have acknowledged there is a problem and it won't go away on its own.

Please insist in an appointment today - even if you have to sit and wait.

Take care and good luck.

colditz · 09/02/2007 08:49

You need to ring them surgery at 9am, Hillary, to make sure you get seen as soon as possible.

Don't let yourself hide this. Fling it out into the open where it can't get any bigger.

Hillary · 09/02/2007 17:23

Hi everyone,

I did go to the surgery today but they said they were unable to see me and the receptionist said my case was not urgent enough to warrent an emergency appointment! I have made an appointment but its not until end of next week - I knew they would be a waste of time

I will ask my neighbours which doctors is the best around my area and see if I can change. I cant see my surgery helping to be honest, I took my daughter there with a rash once - bearing in mind my dd2 had septiacemia so I knew the importance to get it checked out - the dr was annoyed I'd brought her in and said I was over reacting. I ended up taking her to Bupa A&E where she was infact ill with some sort of virus and given medication.

Perhaps this is my fate, perhaps I'm not supposed to get better, I don't know

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2007 17:27

no, you are supposed to change doctors, that's all... good try today, those drs receptionists are bitches. make sure you ask the neighbours tonight so you can change docs tomorrow.

what did you do with the scales?

Mumpbump · 09/02/2007 17:28

Hillary - the fact that you have posted on here means that you are looking for help as does the fact that you are seeking medical attention. If you are only 3 days in, I am sure you can "nip it in the bud" and overcome it. I think anorexia is sadly a life-long battle for some people, but if you have overcome it once, you can overcome it again.

Is there something, eg. a particular stress that you are under at the moment, which might have triggered it?

danceswithnewboots · 09/02/2007 17:29

'not supposed to get help' - oh Hillary. Go and see your neighbour now, even if you don't talk to them about doctors you need to talk to someone as well as us.

Hillary · 09/02/2007 17:43

I put the scales in the shed - don't worry I'm scared of spiders, wont be rummaging around there in the dark

I don't know why I'v relapsed, I'v not noticed it creeping up on me.

Mumpbump do you really think I can nip it in the bud before going to the dr's? Perhaps I won't need to go next week, I'l try and see.

I'l change surgeries tomorrow - or maybe it would be better to wait until I'v reached my appointment date next week, see what they reccomend and go from there.

AitchTwoOh · 09/02/2007 17:48

nah, you don't like the practice and were going to change it anyway, this is as good an opportunity as any. be careful of delaying things, time is of the essence here...
i think the chances of you nipping it in the bud without any outside help are unlikely and also a bit unfair on you. why shouldn't you get some help with this? it's a serious, life-threatening illness, if you had cancer then you'd expect all the help the NHS could give you. don't make it more difficult than it needs to be by avoiding the people who can help you.

Hillary · 09/02/2007 19:13

I'v just found Pro ana braclets on ebay - they have a whole section of books and jewelry! I didn't know there was such a thing!

I'd have a look so you can spot it out if your DD's or DS's own one!

I cant do links but its under the 'pro ana' search

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