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Original poster

Just found out something awful.....

29 replies

sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 12:28

Yesterday my mum told me she had been raped recently

I was totally shocked and it was totally out of the blue!

It happened about a year ago, it wasn't a stranger, it was someone she knew through work and whose wife she knew. He barged into her home and attacked then really hurt, then raped her, then walked out. My mum lives alone.

She never told anyone but did have to go to the doctor and get treatments and tests.

She told me yesterday, he died at the begining of the year and while in a way that made it better, as she wasn't scared of him turning up again, it also made it worse.

Since then she has been having counselling, her counsellor told her to move on she had to tell the people closest to her, so she told her sister the other week, and me yesterday and I told her best friend.

I feel confused, upset, loads of things. Mostly guilt, my mum lives 5 minutes away and I speak to her everyday, and I didn't notice anything was wrong. We are really close, I can't believe I didn't know something was wrong, I am obviously rubbish.

I knew she was off work and a bit depressed, but I thought it was because of an illness she has.

She said she tried her best to keep it from me, so not to beat myself up about not knowing, but I am, I feel I've let her down.

She also said the reason she didn't go to the police is because he was a well respected man in the community, well liked etc, and she said she wanted to protect me and my family from the rumours and talking behind our backs that would have gone on if she had reported it. I feel awful about this, if she had told me we could have got through it and dealt with anything anyone said. I wish she didn't feel she had to protect me at a time when she should have been thinking of herself, and now he's dead it's too late

Not sure what my point in posting is, I just wanted to get it down.

I have changed me name, if you know who I am please don't say!

OP posts:
TinsellyRhino · 17/12/2006 12:37

oh hun, you poor thing.

I think it's good that your mum has told people, she can start to work through it

for you both

Hope she continues with the counselling and manages to feel better

sorry I have nothing more helpful to say

LisaHy · 17/12/2006 12:38

It's great that your mum has told you and is dealing with it. You can help her now. The emphasis imho should be on your Mum and not the man - he's gone - I don't think there's any point in changing his family's view of him or the wider community. Perhaps other people will have a different view. Don't feel guilty for not knowing - how could you imagine something so awful. Just support her now and help her though it. Celebrate the positive - that you still have one another and can have a safe and loving family Christmas - and without the threat of this b'stard.

BudaBauble · 17/12/2006 12:41

Oh how terrible for your poor mum and for you.

Please don't beat yourself up though. She chose to get through it how she wanted to. He took control from her and how she dealt with it was her way of gaining a bit of control back in a way.

She sounds very strong to have gone to the doc and then had the counselling.

All you can do now is be there for her however and whenever.

flutturkey · 17/12/2006 12:44

Please don't beat yourself up over this, you would be amazed by the things people can keep secret if they really want to, no matter how close you are.

Just being able to tell you now would have lifted a huge pressure of your Mums shoulders and having you around when she needs to crumble will help her get through this.

I hope that you can have a great Christmas together.

sandcastlesforanaussiexmas · 17/12/2006 12:49

How terrible, I hope she can start to move on now she is talking about it.

Please don't feel bad for not noticing. Your mum kept it from you, to protect you. You are still her little girl & she didn't want you to have to suffer, so she carried it alone. How comendable.

You wouldn't have noticed, she wouldn't have wanted you too. She is very brave & very special to think of you & your sister in this way, while being in so much pain.

Try to let go of your guilt so you can be strong for her now that you do know. She will need you alot in the near future.

(((hugs)))

Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 12:51

Thanks, I agree that the empasis should be on her not him. In a way it is good that he's dead as it means that she doesn't have to live in fear, or worry about seeing him when she is out. I also realise there is no way she wouls have told me while he was still alive.

But I wish he wasn't so someting could have been done, but i guess I have to let that go and concentrate on what is happening now.

She has been very brave, but that is how she is, i just wish she hadn't felt she had to shoulder it alone.

And I do hope that having told a few people will help her to move on and to know she has people to talk to if she needs to.

Thanks

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 17/12/2006 13:01

there was nothing you could have done. even had she told you the minute after he had left it would still have happened.

i think your mum is an incredibly brave and very strong woman and you shoudl be proud of her. i know that sounds odd but she has coped with the most distressing event so admirably.

it is good that you now know and that you can support her. encourage her to continue with the counselling and look to next year as a fresh start.

the vile thing that did this to your mum is now gone and you nee never mention its name again. in a way it was the kindest thing for your mum, as she can now try and forget all about it without it walking past her in the street.

sandcastlesforanaussiexmas · 17/12/2006 13:05

There will always be the what if's..

What if she had told some one
What if he was still alive
What if .....

But she is obviously finding some comfort, some peace, something in knowing that he can't hurt her again, that will be very powerful for her right now.

I am assuming she won't tell the wife?

Pruni · 17/12/2006 13:06

Message withdrawn

Troutpout · 17/12/2006 13:48

your poor mum..
and how awful for you...what a difficult thing to have to find out.
What an incredible brave woman she is.
It must be hard for you to find out that that protecting her girl was still her main prioity...but i bet lots of mums would do the same....and you can't change that now.
Buda's right...she chose her own way of gettig through it...and she still is.
You are helping now
Hugs to you both

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/12/2006 14:00

Oh your poor Mum

What an awful thing for her to have to go through.

It is good that she has sought help, and I really believe that telling people will be helping immensely with coming to terms with her ordeal. There are lots of feelings of shame and guilt associated with being a victim of rape - she is doing really well. Try not to let these feelings overwhelm you too. No doubt the issue that people probably speak so well of this "pillar of the community" stings her every time.

There is nothing you can do except support your Mum and be there for her - if she needs you to be.

Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 14:00

Yeah, there will always be the what ifs. She was saying that the counsellor was talking her through the what ifs.

What if she hadn't answered her door, is a big one for her, but it was 6pm, you would have no reason to feel afraid, or certainly to think that would happen!

She was 49 at the time, but i know what you mean about thinking of it more as a young person thing.

She has been brave and has done what she has felt to be the best.

No she wouldn't tell the wife she doesn't want anyone to know, she has said she has kept it quiet for this long, so she doesn't want it to get out now, I can understand that.

Some of the people she has spoken to said it sounded like it wasn't the first time he had done it, just by the way it had happened. And one dr when she went to get treatment gave her a very hard time for not reporting it, told her she was selfish as he could do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 14:06

Thanks.

Yes she definately has feelings of shame and guilt, which is horrible to hear.

She asked me not to tell anyone, but said I could tell my partner as she knew I would need someone to talk to, then said she would understand if he no longer wanted to go to her for chrismas, if he would think less of her, which certainly wouldn't be the case at all.

Yes the way people speak about him does hurt her, I was the one who actually told her he had dies, I keep trying to remember in my head if she gave any reaction, but I can't even remember the converstation as obviously I wasn't looking for anything.

All the "such a shame" "such a lovely man" comments at the time of the funeral she said did hurt very much.

She still has regular nightmares

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/12/2006 14:06

That doctor was out of order

I'd like it so that all women feel able to report this kind of crime, but not through making them feel guilty!!!!

I'd be tempted to report him

Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 14:08

I agree vvvqv, she said that really played on her mind, until she heard he died.

She said she felt a bit torn, but that protecting us came first.

OP posts:
TinselgalacticWalrus · 17/12/2006 14:25

sadatxmas,

I was raped at 21 by a "respected" member of the community. I still get people telling me what a wonderful man he is. It's horrible.

I, like your mum, didn't tell everyone at first, mainly for the reasons your mum did. I couldn't face people not believing me etc etc either. It did come out eventually, because I went to the police and he was questioned. He tried to turn the tables etc etc and said I came on to him (quite why a 21 year old woman would want to come onto a fat repulsive 65 year old, I don't know) Anyway, I canm completelt understand your mum's rection to the whole thing.

She sounds incredibly brave and strong. She will get through it.

If you need to CAT me to talk about it, feel free. I won't put my email address as people might guess who I am.

TinselgalacticWalrus · 17/12/2006 14:26

Oh shit, my name change didn;t work

Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 14:39

Thanks for sharing that with me

Perhaps you could do the red ! if you would rather it was removed.

Thanks

OP posts:
TinselgalacticWalrus · 17/12/2006 14:48

It doesn't matter. (Obv the whole UCM debacle taught me nothing )

In fact, why should I be ashamed? It wasn't my fault, was it?

Have my email address ([email protected])

Keep it if you want to talk. I'll understand if you don't though

TinselgalacticWalrus · 17/12/2006 14:49

obv, that's @hOtmail

Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 15:13

Lol, I tested my name change on another thread before I started this one, I learned from UCM

But you are right, you shouldn't be ashamed at all.

Thank you for giving me your email, that is so kind.

I am still struggling with it just now, but I will keep your email address. Thanks so much

And I'm sorry you had to go through that too.

OP posts:
TinselgalacticWalrus · 17/12/2006 15:29

my virtual door is always open.

It's been a few years now since it happened to me, and I have moved on from it really, though I still think about it a lot. It doesn't give me the sick-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling so much anymore

Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 17:13

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
sadatxmas · 17/12/2006 20:36

I can't stop thinking about it.

I just feel she is being so brave and I am a mess, when it shouldn't really be about me!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/12/2006 21:16

Your mum is brave.

But she has had a year and some counselling to help her come to terms with things.

Give yourself some time. You are bound to feel angry, and frustrated, helpless, upset, guilty, fraudulent amongst many other emotions.

Its natural to go through this process.