my partner doesn't wash his hands after the loo!

[GeorgiaT2468]

Hi all, Iv been with my partner several years now and we have children. I love this man but he has the most annoying habits. I'm quite a particular person when it comes to health and hygiene and very OCD in hand washing. My partner in the other hand doesn't share the same thoughts. Many times he doesn't wash his hands after using the toilet and will come out of the bathroom and touch things in our home, the children and food. I'm always on his case about this and eventually argue about it where he tells me to stop trying to control him and that he can do as he pleases ect.. It's really getting to me and when I need help doing things in the house I always do them so he doesn't touch anything!! It's annoying and unfair to everyone else that he's being dirty. Advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you xx

The only advice I could give you is to get rid. He's disgusting and if he can't respect you enough to have some hygiene then what kind of relationship have you got?

Not only this, he's putting everyones health at risk of infections.

He would make my skin crawl to be honest

Is this the only area of your lives where he could very easily put your mind at rest and be more helpful but steadfastly refuses to?

I don't think it's a problem he doesn't wash his hands after using the toilet as you'll be living with his bacteria anyway. It is a problem he doesn't wash his hands before handling food though. That's bad form especially if you're aware and have issues.

Seriously telling someone to leave their husband the father of their children for not washing their hands is literally the most ridiculous use of lab I have ever seen on here

It isn't "OCD" to expect someone to wash their hands after going to the loo. It's really basic hygiene. Apparently lots of men don't (says my DH, who does). I'v no idea what the answer is.

Nameschangerer

Ok, it may sound ridiculous to you, that's fair enough.
But, considering the Op has repeatedly asked her partner to use some basic hygiene, and he must realise she's doing everything in the house as she can't bear him to help, and yet he turns around and tells her to 'stop trying to control' then he is showing a complete lack of respect for her.
That's what it boils down to imo, no respect. If you could put up with someone who can't even do the most simplest of tasks to make life better for you, then that's up to you.

I couldn't.

That is gross. I hope you make sure it's him who has to take time off work every time they have a tummy bug!

I appreciate you taking your time to give advice thank you. I have weekly therapy for several issues I have which includes anxiety and OCD. I wash my hands a lot sometimes until they bleed, I'm not expecting anyone to be like that because I'd love to get rid of the anxiety behind it I just want him to be clean! Simply after the loo and before food is all I'm asking. It does make me panic and angry and if I'm honest it adds to my depression ect where I do everything for the house and kids. It would be very helpful if he could pop the tea on or make a packed lunch or grab the kids a snack whilst I'm cleaning the house, bathing the kids or breast feeding our baby. He will do these things if I ask but when I say can you wash your hands first he either refuses because I'm controlling him or he washes his hands but gets stroppy and it creates and atmosphere. So I just do it all to save the drama. But I'm exhausted and become bitter at him being lazy and selfish about basic hygiene. We have other relationship issues, well he doesn't think we have issues he just thinks I moan at him all the time for things. Am I wrong in moaning about hygiene. Brushing his teeth every day, running the Hoover round rather than sit on his phone. Reading the kids a story or taking them to the park, ironing his shirt before work ect. I'm worried I moan and expect to much and it's me causing the issues. Sorry to go on. Just feeling like Iv had enough.. I'm a busy mummy and thrive in my children being healthy and happy but he doesn't seem to, why is he so lazy and inconsiderate!! I do love him but I'm questioning alot Xx

Crikey - it's so inconsiderate not to wash his hands when it impacts your mental health like that.

Aw it sounds like you have a lot going on and are doing really well despite everything. It's such a difficult and busy time in life even without the extra worries going on. Have you discussed this issue in your therapy sessions? It would probably be worth it.

I don't have OCD and I'd LTB.

I'm not even joking.

If someone can't bring themselves to apply basic hygiene when they have been asked and asked and asked then they clearly have issues all of their own.

He is purposefully provoking your OCD and you probably should leave him for your own sanity. Or be willing to spend the rest of your life in therapy.

Even without that, he sounds like a shit.

Just a thought but maybe you would have less OCD and anxiety without him?

Or, try training him - no talking to him, cooking for him, cook yourself dinner and leave half the ingredients in the fridge until he gets the message and starts washing his hands - with soap.

It feels like Iv got 4 kids not 3 and I don't want to put up with this for the rest of my life at all. I worry about leaving him because when he would see the children every other weekend lets say or whatever our contact arrangement would be, I'd be terrified on how my children were looked after. I know what it's like to live with him so I wouldn't want him to have the kids alone. I do not fear their safety but he's lazy and he most certainly wouldn't wash his hands at all, would he encourage my children to wash theirs like I do? Would he sit on his phone constantly, would he engage with them, would he cook a meal for them? I do it all and he just sits about in his days off.. At least if I'm with him i know all.. It shouldn't be like that I know but I'd rather not let him be on his own with the kids just incase he takes advantage of me not being there and doesn't do the things he's supposed to do. Feel so trapped. I fur my house everyday and care for my children in every aspect. They are clean. In a routine. Fed well, loved, stimulated ect, it's busy and I'm tired but I love being a mum. He's not the person or dad I thought he would be. I'm basically a single parent. He has children from his previous relationship that visit every other weekend and I do the same for them as I do for my own. So I know if he and I split he wouldn't care for any of them properly because I look after his other kids! Iv had this out with him but it caused such an argument I ended up in tears and he just sat there on his phone. It does make me want to walk but the anxiety I get from those thoughts make me really ill. I speak about this in therapy yes but my therapist can't really advise me he just tries to help me cope with my emotions and has suggested I take bed rest in hospital for a few weeks that he would authorise and thinks I need. But it's a no go and wouldn't help me in the long run. Again sorry to go on xx

He could also actually be the CAUSE of your ocd Op

Are you getting treatment for your ocd?

Jesus. Let me wrap my head around this:

after the loo and before food is all I'm asking.
It would be very helpful if he could pop the tea on or make a packed lunch or grab the kids a snack whilst I'm cleaning the house, bathing the kids or breast feeding our baby.
Brushing his teeth every day, running the Hoover round rather than sit on his phone. Reading the kids a story or taking them to the park, ironing his shirt before work ect.

What you have listed here varies from the self-care skills one might expect of a 6 year old to fairly basic human decency.

I'm worried I moan and expect to much

You don't.

he doesn't think we have issues

If one partner is unhappy, the marriage has issues. He thinks everything is fine because his life sounds like a walk in the park, especially compared to yours.

I do love him

I'm so sorry to say this, but I cannot fathom why.

Would your life be better or worse if you left him? You'd have a lot less housework to do and wouldn't have to worry about him passing diseases to the kids.

Not that I'm qualified to advise anything, but I think you should start discussing your marriage with your therapist asap.

for you.

So, it's not just the 'not washing his hands' issue, but he's a lazy twat too, and a poor father.

I agree with others, OP, he is making your OCD worse. So he doesn't care about your mental health either.

It sounds so tiring, OP.

Ah, I'm sorry, I was too slow typing and hadn't seen your update.

Maybe time to see a marriage counsellor.

I know life would be easier without him but I don't want to send my kids away from me for contact. At least with me everything is done right. I'm not the kind of person to say he couldn't see them unless u had a genuine reason obviously but when in temper Iv threatened to leave him in arguments and that I wouldn't let me kids go to him unless he changed certain ways so I was assured my children would be cared for in all aspects ect he laughed at me and said he would take me to court and weather I liked it or not he would see the kids and do as he pleases because I won't be able to control him and that's it's tuff luck for me. Xx

Also OP, it might be a good idea to get this thread moved to Relationships. Lots of wise bods in there.

I often wonder about men and hand washing after they've had a wee. Is it just me or do men often come out of pub toilets just finishing doing up their flies?!?

I'm sorry I'm new to this.. What does OP stand for? Xx

OP = Original Poster - you

Your assuming he would want the kids on a weekend, would he? 6 kids all by himself because it sounds like he would run for the hills.

I am so thankful for your advise. It's hard reading the truth though I feel stupid sat here crying and feel like the strong me that Iv always been has been stripped away. My eldest isn't his son. He was from my previous relationship. After sometime we arranged contact and my son was physically abused by his dad and dads partner. I had a nervous breakdown and as a result of the abuse my son has trauma induced behavioural issues. It's hard with him but no matter what I smile and do my best for them all. He sees him as a naughty kid. He doesn't try to understand him or help me, he just gets annoyed with him and thinks he should behave. My little boy is such a beautiful child, who trusted grown ups naturally but was punched in the chest at two years old, he's 5 now. He's been through hell and yes he does exhaust me at times but he's my baby and il never stop being right by his side regardless.. My partner won't try to understand him he just tries to act like this big man who should be respected by the kids and what he says goes. I do not allow him to be this big man and always undermine him which I hate the atmosphere from but Iv said how can the kids respect and love you like they do me when you don't do anything for or with them. Your at work, in bed or on your phone. I work full time too but I'm a mum before I'm anything. I don't get rest because on my days off, before work and after work regardless if I'm exhausted to tears I'm cleaning. Washing, ironing, doing homework, playing with my kids, cooking, taking the kids out, cuddling them, reading them stories and everything else. He says he's so tired and needs a lay in. Even if he hears me crying he stays in bed. But tells me he loves us all so much and will always put ya first. Does he not see he is in the wrong? Why? xx