Driving phobia

[Snowstorm]

Hi everyone. I wasn't sure which section to post this one in but I was just wondering whether anyone out there had a driving phobia? I'm trying to work my way through mine as it's a bit of a cloud hanging over my otherwise perfectly normal life and also I don't want my daughters (2 and 3 years old) to be restricted or held back by it OR to think there's anything scary about driving. It's a stress though (mentally and physically) trying to force yourself to do something that's SO far out of your comfort zone. Would love to hear from anyone with a similar problem (preferably with a magic cure and fairytale ending!! ).

Do you have to drive?

Hi snowstorm, Sorry to hear about your phobia. Do you have your liscence or are you learning to drive?
It took me 3 years to learn how to drive (had ds inbetween this time too and took test 8 months pg!) and I found that it wasn't the driving which worried me but the test. I would get so scared to get behind the wheel on test day. I was so petrified. I passed on 8th test.

I look back and can see how I was stressing so much, worrying about things happening on the road during the test such as an accident or just making a fool of myself by going into wrong gear or something. I also wanted to pass before ds was born and put so much pressure on myself.
I didn't pass before ds was born, I passed when he was about 8 months old.
I have been driving now for just over a year and it feels like longer and feels natural.

You obviously feel strongly about wanting to drive because of your kids. This is great, but don't put pressure on yourself. Take one day at a time, if it is destined to happen it will, however long it takes!

Hello. Thanks so much for all your messages, I really appreciate them and you've said some things which make me feel better already. Many, MANY apologies for how long this message is going to be but it's such a big issue in my life that I don't know how to be concise about it.

I don't HAVE to drive at the moment but the children and I have a fairly active social life during the week and there's one or two friends that it'd be too difficult to visit without the car and I feel like a bit of waste of space not using it. I like to stride out with the buggy/the girls on their scooters but there's also moments when I'm pushing the buggy through the pouring rain and I think 'this is absolutely ridiculous, we have a car we could be using'!

My phobia is all about driving as far as I'm aware. Okay ... brace yourselves ... here we go ... I was always a nervous learner and failed my test two or three times between the ages of 17 and 20. I then moved to London and didn't need to have a car but when I was around 25 I decided I should try again. I passed the test this time around but I was very nervous before each lesson (even though I had a really nice instructor)and was so scared before/during my test that I can't accurately describe it. The week after my test I drove my boyfriend's quite large automatic car down pretty narrow streets and missed a couple of obvious things (mini-roundabout anybody?!) and scraped a parked car with my wing mirror (while another car was squeezing past) and that pretty much finished me off. I split up with that boyfriend and with a car-free existence for the next 8 or so years, life was peachy!

Fast forward to 2002 when DD1 was born and I coped by hopping on and off buses, getting friends to come to our house and even occasionally lugging DD's big car seat in and out of taxis for parties/special events etc! I think most people thought I was mad. When I was pregnant with DD2 in 2003 I realised I wasn't going to be able to travel this way any more with two young children. Decided to try and tackle the driving issue again and went to see a hypnotist in order to get myself into the car for driving lessons down in Dorset where my parents live. I'm not sure that the hypnotism worked (kept thinking "is this it, am I hypnotised yet, is it working, is this it?!) but I paid so much that I guess I sort of thought I must be helping myself and so went for the refresher driving lessons. That was when I started having the physical symptoms of my anxiety disorder/phobia.

The anticipation of any drive was (and still is to an extent) awful and I was grumpy and snappish and not a nice person for my family to have around (poor DH and DD's ). I felt incredibly anxious, I HONESTLY couldn't have imagined that I would have felt any worse standing before a firing squad. The morning of the drive I would be feeling sick, incredibly teary and had to keep rushing to the loo with a loose stomach ... not great when you are trying to get up/have breakfast with two small children whilst trying to pretend everything was just fine, although it kind of keeps the excess weight off I guess . By the time it was time to go my nerves would be stretched to breaking point and I would be almost zombie like through fear. Once I'd actually set off I'd be sweaty and riddled with tension BUT most of the other symptoms had gone and I'd be feeling better. By the time I'd got to and from somewhere I'd be almost delirious with relief and life was suddenly great again, until the next time that is ...

I had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy from January of this year until just a couple of months ago. I wanted to be 'normal', I didn't want my DD's to grow up with a snappy and tense mum and I certainly did not want to pass this phobia on to them in any way. The Shrink brought me on a long way and some of the dark cloud of gloom and doom lifted. I understand that it's not my fault that I have a phobia (and a bit of a perfectionism problem - oops!) and that I need to re-train my mind into removing the anticipation/fear. A couple of months ago I stopped seeing him however as I knew what he was going to say in response to what I was telling him and had stopped improving/moving forwards.

So, that's where I'm at. I can drive. I'm okay at driving. Weirdly, I'm now confident enough to have thrown away the 'P' plates that I'd been using since I started to re-learn to drive. I know all these things AND YET ... if a friend of mine says 'why don't we drive to ...'; or 'do you want to come over to mine this week' then I start feeling agitated and the cycle begins again and although sometimes I think that I might just pop to the supermarket (DH does the shopping at the weekend) because we've run out of something, or to a bigger better park for the girls, I never do because I just can't quite get over the hurdle of fear.

I'm going to have to drive next September when DD1 starts school and I think that HAVING to do the daily school run will mean that I will have to do it, I will do it and that I will come on in leaps and bounds thereafter but ... I would really like to be a 'normal' mum now. I'd like to drive my kids to nice places without giving myself an ulcer or poo-ing myself to an early grave , I'd like to be able to take over the supermarket shopping from my DH sometimes so that I feeling like I'm pulling my weight, I'd like to drive the girls to their grandparents so that DH doesn't have to drive us all the time ... and best of all I'd just love to jump in the car and not think or worry about it. Not asking a lot am I!!

Gosh it's weird to write such 'me, me and me' stuff to complete strangers . Anyone still awake?

Snowstorm -
I can't really help, because driving has never been a problem to me, but I didn't want to ignore your post.
I hope Fio's post gives you some encouragement, to see that it can be done.
Good luck

I can't help either but just wanted to say to snowstorm that you sound very brave and I hope you can try to follow what fio did; and to fio that I think you are amazing (slurp slurp) (not just the driving, everything else you're doing as well )

i understand where you're coming from esp as i'm also at least a bit phobic in this area too. Does it make you feel better if you changed the word car for plane? fear of flying is far more mainstream and talked about but IMO is far less rational as planes are so much safer than cars!
Sorry, that probably doesn't help you. I hardly use the car, i also feel a bit restricted but it's healthier to walk and i just don't much like the darn things.

oh, just read all the thread and hope i haven't undone all of fio's good work

I think what you are saying about making myself go out everyday is exactly right FioFio but I find it hard to put it into practise as I can think about it now without any problems and yet tomorrow morning I will find a way to put it off because it makes me so anxious and that is SO VERY uncomfortable. I think that you were very brave to make yourself do that and I'm so pleased that you are okay with driving now, that's fantastic! I tell myself that if I didn't have the two young children and could just go out for a short drive when I was having a brave moment instead of having to get them ready and out of the house (seems to take 20 minutes at least), strapped in and to understand that we're not going anywhere, mummy's just having a bit of driving practise(!!) then I would do that too ... only I have to be honest and say I'm not sure that I would. I guess it's a bit like the diet always starting next Monday or not ever finding the time to exercise isn't it ... you see, I'm a perfectly rational person in practically every other way, it's just this silly phobia! It would have been much more convenient to have been afraid of flying wouldn't it because then at least it wouldn't interfere with my daily life. Strangely enough, one of my best friends who seems to least understand my problems with driving has - so I found out some months ago - a fear of flying herself. That's sort of weird isn't it?!

To be honest I'm not exactly sure what I'm afraid of when driving but I think it's the unknown and the unpredictability of other drivers, situations etc. If I lived in the country then I don't think I would feel the same way but in London I always compare it to trying to drive a straight line down a pinball machine while god knows what is fired at you from every angle! It's quite scary you know !

I've thought about going to the doctor to see whether I could get some help there - my mother's used adrenalin suppressing type tablets for 6 months and that's helped her panic attacks (see - I have no hope with family like that do I ) but I think my DH is a little concerned that that might change me/my personality in some way that's not an improvement!

In any case, THANK YOU everyone for all your encouraging words (especially you FioFio seeing as you've been there, done it and come out the other side so to speak), you have helped me feel more positive about it all, all over again, which I really appreciate because I know that even though it's such a BIG issue for me, there are so many people out there with 'proper' problems.

Thanks again!

PS. Easy to follow miracle cures are still very welcome ...

Snowstorm are you living in or near Central London ? Because that certainly does take a lot of concentration and yes it is like a pinball machine. I know you have been in an automatic but for me that was what made me enjoy driving more. I hated my lessons so much. I used to come home and lie on the floor and just feel the sweat running off me. I was about 25 when I passed. I drove in Abu Dhabi before that which was a different kettle of fish (and easier !). My best friend is also very phobic of driving, my other closest friend doesn't drive at all, and yet another close friend wants to learn but can't get up the guts to do it. It's more common than you think. I just highly recommend an automatic, no gear changing to worry about at all, no wrong gears, no stalling, no rolling backwards. When you are busy with a lot of other things it really helps you concentrate. All the best. You are not alone !

i have only been driving for three years and still only take the car out every fortnight or so (had to buy a big battery charger thing as car battery keeps going flat). It's principally because i don't need it that i don't take it out but the only thing is that i don't really get to put in a lot of practise.

i really think i am a good driver, but i do get scared about it. if i'm going to go for a drive somewhere i definitely get tense about it in advance, and it takes me a good few minutes to relax when i start.

a few things i always do are...
i always make sure my first few mins of driving are the same, so regardless of where i am going i drive a little detour which takes me to a big traffic lights junction where i know i'll be stopped and will get a few seconds to compose myself.

i actively seek out traffic lights cos i feel they give me a break. i used to get especially tense at lights, you see, so i just knew that i needed to shift my thinking and make the negative into a positive. they help you to turn corners, they force you to stop and think. i love 'em.

i NEVER do anything flash. i always keep to the left-hand lane unless i am turning right imminently.

i always familiarise myself with the route, using map point or the aa guide thing, but i refuse to get stressed if i take a wrong turn. i just pull in and sort myself out. who cares if i'm late? i;m safe.

i put some music on, nothing too mental. actually it tends to be the polyphonic spree at the moment cos it has a kind of 'wall of sound' thing going and the baby likes it. it's my car music, and it relaxes me.

my brother is a paramedic, and the way they are taught to drive at speed is that you 'throw' your vision out like a wide fishing net, to see everything but not in detail, and then you pull your vision back in to see more of the detail around you. apparently this is good becasue your brain is able to filter out the extraneous stuff as it gets closer cos it's seen it before the first time. might be good for the pinball machine aspect.

there are lots of other things i do, but the best, best, best thing i ever did which allowed me to get started in the first place (forgot to say that i passed my test a good year before i started driving so i ws shit scared to begin with) was i went on holiday to the country for a couple of days. drove all the way there, and when we got to the island the roads were quite wee so i had to really pay attention. it was the best practice i could have got, and everyone was so nice (lots of waving at passing places, lots of nods of gratitude, not like in the city) and i remember feeling like a totally different driver on the road back home from when i left. you just don't get enough of a chance to make progress in the city, it's all too stop-start, so you don't get as good a 'feel' for the car.

anyway, that was the best thing i did, i still get nervous but after a few minutes i absolutely LOVE it. good luck and sorry this has been so epic.

Thanks for your message Thalia. I live on the Clapham/Brixton/Streatham borders (so watch out for a ranting neurotic behind the wheel anyone who lives in the same area) which feels quite busy enough to me whenever I'm contemplating forcing myself to drive! I think an automatic might be a very good idea - just got to get DH to agree to both that and to changing cars - because, as you say, not stalling or rolling back after a hill start or whatever would certainly relieve me of some of the pressure.

I don't know whether I should feel ashamed at how pleased I am to hear that I am not alone ... but hearing that I'm not the only driving-phobic-fruit-loop out there is just great . Thanks!

Yep, Snowstorm, I understand you completely. I never wanted to learn to drive really but was given lessons as a present so passed my test at 17. Only able to use the family car occasionally, didn't have a desperate need to be places, got a bf who loved driving and drove me everywhere we needed to go, so basically over a couple of years, I hardly ever drove. Confidence plummeted. As you feel, would rather walk/bus or not go than get into the car even when it was available. Then I was in a position where I HAD to drive to get to work as it really was the only way I could get there, no public transport for the hours of my shifts. I was a nervous wreck every time I had to do the 15 mile journey, every shift, 5 days a week, for 8 weeks. Then I kind of adjusted. It wasn't such a panic, I didn't love driving, but could cope. A year down the line I was pregnant, left work, and lo and behold, fell back into the same groove, not driving anywhere. Dh took us shopping or I walked. He was childcarer when I went back to work nights, so drove me there and picked me up. All in all, I didn't drive for another couple of years until I had a major row over it with close family member who got really nasty with me. It was a cruel way to get me going and I certainly would have appreciated some understanding not a slating, but anyhow, I did start to drive again.

It is easier if you can drive a little every day, because the day you miss, you think the next day 'I'll just not do because of xxxx excuse' and before you know it, you are back to really dreading getting behind the wheel.

You CAN do this, Snowstorm. You have passed your test and can cope, this is a confidence raising situation where you can be happy about the driving you need to do. Take deep breaths, take it a step at a time.

Oh, and finally, when I find myself having a moment of being overwhelmed, I tell myself 'it is just roads, it is Just Roads.' Might sound daft, but it makes it less of a great big deal.

All the best, I hope you soon find the situation turns around for you and you can just get on with your life without it being a worry.

Not much help to you now Snowstorm, but as a child (probably from around 10 upwards), I used to drive my dad's car into the garage at night, and given half a chance, drive it out in the morning. I loved it, and it taught me to be confident in handling and manouvering 9sp?) in confined spaces.

I know that this is a very small part of driving, but it gave me confidence, which help when it came to learning to drive properly.

Ds does this for us now - which is pretty handy on vile wet nights .

snowstorm

hello you are not alone and neither am i now ! I had car crash 8 years ago which was head on and i was a passenger with my dh and ds them 10mths old ! i suffered with flash backs severe whiplash damage to my lower spine and depression for 3 yrs and ongoing panic attacks! i only drive to places i know i wont drive on a motorway as i cannot merge with traffic i am an horrific passenger on long drives i drive my dh mad as i cannot relax. i live in newcastle and last time i attempt to drive into city centre alone i started on slip road then realised it merged with traffic on the flyer over so i REVERSED OFF !!!! and went to mums and ordered a taxi how barmy am i ??? i have promised myself that i will taken advanced driving lessons to overcome fear but havnt over come fear of fear yet !!

Hello aitch71, thank you for your message. Don't worry about that being an epic, it pales into comparison with what I wrote below ... wondered at one point whether I was going to get complaints from the MN organisers. Should probably change my name from Snowstorm to 'Couldnt-be-concise-if-my-life-depended-on-it'.

It was interesting to read your post and I could see where you were coming from with a lot of what you wrote. I shall be trying some of it out next time I drive. I do get a bit panicky about getting lost which is a bit ridiculous because I could just pull over and sort myself out but I have a very poor sense of direction and so find myself trying to learn a whole route before I set off and getting a bit sweaty on the way if I think I've made a mistake!

We tend to listen to nursery rhymes etc. in the car as I'm never alone - not my first choice but if it keeps the girls happy then that works! First time I listened to the CBeebies album I thought I must be driving very badly during the Postman Pat song but then I heard it at home and found out the beeps are part of the song ... and not the driver's behind me .

I do try and drive when we got down to see my parents in Dorset and that's actually quite fun as the roads are so wide and straight that you can actually drive a bit as opposed to constantly seeming to have to take evasive action! I took refresher lessons down there 3 years ago and it amused me to have me with 'L' plates on one side of the roads and tanks with 'L' plates on the other!

I dream of the day that I can say that I love driving [cue OTT sigh] ... that must be very liberating.

Hi FioFio - am trying to catch up with all the messages whilst refereeing between my two DD's and a puzzle - I last drove about a week ago. When I was seeing the shrink I was making myself drive once a week by booking in visits to friends that I knew I wouldn't cancel. Over the summer holidays, what with being away and things all being a bit topsy-turvy, I didn't end up driving as much as I used to but I do now find that if I don't drive for a while then I find myself getting a bit 'antsy' and I can only get over that by getting in the car and driving, even if it's only a really short drive.

Am a bit hesitant about getting more lessons as I've had some bad experiences with them in the past - nothing sinister - but just undermining my fragile confidence in a non-constructive way. Find driving much more relaxing when I don't have to worry about being told off for coasting for longer than a nano-second, or for approaching roundabouts at something more than a snails-pace from 2 miles away etc. Reading that back it sounds as though I have more of a driving attitude problem than a driving phobia doesn't it!!

You are exactly right about getting someone to look after the kids but it feeling too planned and setting off all the anxiety symptoms. Perhaps I should just go with the flow for now (ha!ha!) and then try and really have a go at it in January when DD2 goes to nursery too and I'm going to have a couple of hours to myself 3 mornings a week. Perhaps I could just drive to the local supermarket each day and buy fresh stuff to give myself a reason to go - Oh the heady excitements that await me heh. Oh god, I'm waffling on again ... sorry ...

By the way, I'm new at posting on MN. I'm probably being a bit dim but how do you spell-check your messages as I can't work out how?!

Fairyjay ... my father wouldn't let me drive his car now and I'm 37 (I think). When I go and stay with my parents he moves his car into the neighbouring county when it's my turn to reverse my car out of their slightly weird shaped drive !

Unfortunately we don't have a garage or off-street parking, so it's parallel parking for me on a narrow, cut-through road with a nice big curve in it. There's been the odd occasion when I've honestly thought that I wouldn't be able to get the car out of its space as it's been so boxed in.

God this website's addictive isn't it ... I'm going to get had-up for child neglect at this rate . Love these little faces too . Simple childlike things heh ...

Hi Snowstorm - just to say I feel the same as you. I only passed my test a couple of years ago (I'm 36) and then had a couple of accidents - one of which wasn't my fault, but the other was (didn't look before pulling out ) I am now very scared of not noticing something - like a cyclist, and also put off by having to park in small spaces on the school run.

A friend of mine thinks that NLP will really help - have you considered this? (neuro-linguistic programming).

Mcmum ... oh poor you. You see, I think a driving phobia is absolutely understandable in your situation - if that's not too negative thing to say. If I'm not stepping out of line in suggesting it ... have you been to your GP with this? I'm only saying it because I went to mine in tears (because I'd let the whole thing get out of control and it was dominating my and my family's lives) and was really embarrassed to be wasting her time with such stuff but she didn't bat an eyelid and put me in touch with a Shrink for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). That really helped a lot and although I've still got anxiety issues, I'm really SO much better than I was and I'm not dragging a big black cloud around with me any more. I really hope that you find something that helps and that things improve for you. Best of luck.