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Original poster

Adored Grandad about to have heart bypass surgery

40 replies

ScummyMummy · 20/03/2002 10:54

My lovely father-in-law is due to have heart bypass surgery in a couple of weeks time. The whole family adores him utterly and obviously we're pretty scared as it's a serious operation. My question is- what, if anything, should I be telling my 3 year olds about all this? They absolutely worship their "Daddo" and love to roughouse with him, talk with him, follow him round, stomp about pretending to be him, etc. How do I get them to realise that he's going to be feeling a bit frail for this sort of activity? And that their Nana, Daddy and Aunty may well be preoccupied and worried too? I don't want to scare them but they're used to seeing their grandparents at least once a week- and being spoiled rotten during that time!- so they're definitely going to notice that something is up if I just keep them away from the situation and tell them nothing.

OP posts:

Lizzer · 20/03/2002 11:33

Hi Scummy, what a horrible thing you're going through so firstly I'd just like to pass on my best wishes to your family.

IMO I would want to tell the twins that their grandad isn't feeling well / is poorly ( or whatever term you use for them to understand). I would think are old enough to learn that they have to act differently around an ill person and I'm sure they will pick up the correct behaviour (when you visit him - which I think you defintely should) from yourself and the rest of the family. I truly believe that children have a highly intuitive side to them and react accordingly. You may have to say 'no jumping on Daddo' but I bet you only have to say it once. It might be useful if you could find a simple story book about this kind of thing - surely there must be one - any ideas anyone? Then you can start to get them used to the idea now and they will adapt more easily. But by the sounds of your bright boys they'll be great for him anyway...

Good luck with everything Scummy
X

Lill · 20/03/2002 11:38

I agree with Lizzer children pick up on things anyway so be honest about the situation and your feelings.
Best Wishes to you and your family

bundle · 20/03/2002 11:47

Scrummymummy, do your 3 yr olds ever play with a doctors set? my dd (only 20 mths) plays with one at nursery and has some understanding of poorly from one of our fave books at the moment, Dr Maisy(one of M&S's Maisy books, which are cheaper than the board versions). I'm sure there are books specially aimed at very young children who have family members going into hospital. maybe a friendly doctor could help?
Wishing your FIL & all your family all the best with the surgery - the mother of one of my American friends had a bypass recently and it's literally given her a new lease of life.

Viv · 20/03/2002 12:01

ScummyMummy, my own father had a double bypass about 18 months ago and today you would never know, he is far more healthy than I can remember for a long time and even goes rambling, walking up to 12 miles a day. He was up and walking around the ward 2 days after the Op and in such good spirits we kept looking for the catch. So I hope this helps keep your spirits up, it is worrying at the time but fabulous a few months down the line.
In terms of your children my dd was also 3 at this time and wasn't at all phased by it. We told her that Grandpa was going to have his heart made stronger and that he would have even more love to give her when he got better. (I know it sounds really corny writing this down, but she really identified with it). It also helped that we sat down and made him cards which I took in for her and approx 4 days after the op we took her to the hospital to visit him as by then all tubes etc, could be hidden out of sight and he was feeling up to it.(The nurses brought him down to the day room for us and made a real fuss of dd and praised her lovely card.) She was brilliant, really quiet and good (for once!) and it did my Dad the world of good, relly boosted his spirits.
Once he got home whenever we went to visit we would take a favourite game or book, that she could do with him sitting down and we just had to monitor that he was not getting overtired.
It really suprised us just how much she understood and made a real effort without being told, not to tire him out too much.
Any way enough rambling, I really hope it all goes well for you and your family and take care.

Marina · 20/03/2002 13:36

ScummyMummy, I am so sorry to hear your worrying news, I do hope the surgery goes well and that your father-in-law is soon as well as Gerard Houillier looked last night on the box.
I would go with what others have said about explaining to the boys that their Daddo needs to be treated gently because he is poorly or whatever. And I think Bundle's idea of a doctor's kit is excellent, our son (2.75) is very kind to us whenever we are sofa cases provided he can mop our brows and take our temperatures.
Here's a book recommended to me by a friend whose much loved father also had to have major surgery. It's called "Harry and the Robots" by Ian Whybrow and it is about how a little boy deals with his granny's illness. We have a copy and I think it is a touching and sensitive read. I hope it might help you all.
Good luck.

tigermoth · 20/03/2002 13:46

Sorry your sons 'daddo'`has to face this. I think you've been given some great advice, scummymummy. If your sons are allowed to visit your FIL in hospital when he's recovering I'm sure this in itself should help them understand that he is a little 'poorly'. IME children do pick up on the vibes quickly.

If he needs some quiet rest for the first days at home, perhaps your sons and FIL could phone each other, (my toddler gets very excited hearing voices on the phone) and also swap cards and drawings for a week or two.

Tinker · 20/03/2002 19:13

Sorry to hear about this Scummy but it's a pretty successful op, from what I gather. Graeme Souness had it about 10 years ago and he's a really fit looking sod (not as in "looking", I mean. I mean, come on, he's got a 'tache!)

I agree with what's been said here, really. Kids do pick up these vibes. Sure everything will be back to normal soon. All the best.

Faith · 20/03/2002 19:39

Just to let you know, my Dad had a triple by-passback in '75 when such ops were in their infancy. Only one took, and they told him his days were numbered! Here we are, more than a quarter of a century on, and he's going strong! Your boys will be fine, but I endorse the good advice that's gone before. Perhaps your FIL could make a tape before he goes in, a lttle message and some rhymes? I think making pictures and letters for him and 'role play' will all help your boys to cope. My thoughts are with you all. Let us know how he is doing.

SueDonim · 20/03/2002 20:27

Nothing really to add, Scummy, except that our friend had a triple bypass about 18 mths ago and it has revolutionised his life. One result was that he looks at least 10 years younger now! It's a very common and successful op these days and it really does put right whatever was wrong. Best wishes.

robbie · 20/03/2002 22:02

Another book worth getting is "Harry and the Robots" where Harry's nan goes to hospital to get fixed (as does his robot). My three year olds love it and it's good for them to realise that hospitals/operations are not scary because they make people better. Good luck - my Dad also had a triple by-pass at 54 - ten years later he's right as rain.

Batters · 20/03/2002 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ScummyMummy · 21/03/2002 00:06

Thank you all so much for your reassurance and good wishes. Really, really appreciate them.

OP posts:

winnie1 · 21/03/2002 10:53

Scummymummy, thinking of you and your family, I do hope everything goes well, Winnie x

pamina · 21/03/2002 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tufty · 21/03/2002 21:21

Sorry to hear your news.. it is always a shock when someone close has to undergo a big op.
I don't know if it would help but my 4 year old has just had open heart surgery and both my other sons dealt with it very well. Kids are amazing you know.. if you don't say anything they'll pick up the vibes so why not say something like he needs to have hso heart fixed so it'll work better and compare it to something they relate to which is non threatening. For my sons we ended up using a traffic jam analogy.. you know if there's a road block the cars have to go slowly so they set up a diversion to help them go faster to where they need to go...
We also made a book of thoughts and feelings and visits but it may not be appropriate for your children. Oh and when I cried they were so sweet and it gave them permission to too...
If it helps I actaully worked at the Hammersmith for a year and at that time (14yrs ago) the surgeons considred it like a plumbing job cos its now so well researched and practised that the risks are few.
Since I've only recently seen my son go through a big op you know I'm not being flippant here.
good luck...

Tinker · 21/03/2002 22:47

Just a word of caution about explaining heart things though. I had explained to my daughter that her granddad had died because "his heart was broken". About 3 months later, she was telling me that she was never going to cuddle me again! Without thinking, I said that I would "die of a broken heart if she never cuddled me." Result: one very upset little girl who believed, for a while, that her granddad had died because she hadn't cuddled him enough!

JoAnne427 · 22/03/2002 09:16

ScummyMummy - best wishes to FIL and family - a good friend recently had bypass surgery - and is so much healthier and happier now! Walks regularly, eats much better etc.

Tufty - how difficult! As you say, it is always a shock - but I can't think of one more so than when it is your child! How is he doing? And how are you doing? Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

bloss · 22/03/2002 09:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ScummyMummy · 22/03/2002 16:40

Thanks so much for the advice and good wishes, everyone.

I told my boys this morning that Daddo had was going into hospital soon to get his heart fixed and he wouldn't be feeling very well. Their reactions were so sweet and serious that I nearly cried. One of them said "Will Nana look after him? I will help her!" The other said "I will buy him a present. Would he like a car?" They then became interested in whether he would travel to hospital in an ambulance (the height of vehicle sophistication in their eyes)... I'm a very proud mum today.

OP posts:

jodee · 22/03/2002 20:15

Scummymummy, I've only just read this thread and wanted to add my best wishes to both your family and your FIL's family. I hope all goes well. And your boys sound such darlings! xxx

tufty · 26/03/2002 21:10

Aren't children amazing! You must be a lovely Mum if that's the way your boys responded... they and you FIL are lucky! I do hope it all goes well.
FWIW my son is doing v well now and won't need any thing else for at least a year, which means we can look forward and make little plans...!

Original poster

ScummyMummy · 03/04/2002 08:47

Well, today's the day. The doctors are v optimistic that everything will go well and we're all keeping our fingers crossed.

OP posts:

Viv · 03/04/2002 09:03

Thinking of you ScummyMummy hope it all goes really well.

Enid · 03/04/2002 19:28

Good luck ScummyMummy, thinking of you.

thumper · 03/04/2002 19:55

Hope everything has gone ok scummymummy, thinking about you and your family.

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