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Original poster

Do I need to make peace with my mum in case I die under general anaesthetic?

42 replies

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 20:59

It sounds silly but it's on my mind.

I've had a serious row with my mum on the phone. Basically I had a really long run of bad luck and gradually got more and more down until suddenly, at the weekend, I found myself crying. I'm normally quite good at battling on and I really hate asking for help so I hardly ever do it.

Anyway, this time I did. I wish I hadn't, I never will again, but I was really down. I somehow forgot that mum doesn't help me and only really gets on with me when I'm strong and positive. I'm the one in the family who isn't allowed to be vulnerable or needy ever. Even slightly.

To cut a long story short the phone call ended with her slagging off my dh, saying he was careless and that my brother is much better than me and my dh so I said, 'Don't be rude about dh. I love him and he loves me and thank fuck for that because I have no-one else'. And I hung up.

I didn't want it to end like that but I couldn't see a way out once she had first scorned my feelings then started slagging off dh.

So on Monday I'm having a minor op' which involved a GA.

If you were me would you make up with your mum before going into hosp just in case, well, something goes wrong?

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 21:03

Dont know. What would happen after Monday when everything goes back to normal?

Either life is too short for spats, or it isnt iykwim?

CountTo10 · 31/08/2006 21:07

Poor you sounds like you're having a time of it.

Hmmm I think I'd try and sort it out but its difficult - if you weren't having the op would you want to sort it out? Is this a long running issue?

nineinchnipples · 31/08/2006 21:07

If it is upsetting you maybe you should but also explain that you went to her for help and you didn't get it and that is why you fell out.

Maddison · 31/08/2006 21:08

Oh SM I don't normally do this but (((hugs))) you sound like you could do with one.

I'm not sure tbh. I'd like to say I would make up with her but deep down I'm so stubborn I probably wouldn't.

Joolstoo · 31/08/2006 21:08

sounds like you've decided to me

Original poster

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:11

What has happened in the past QV is that I'm always the one who has to phone and make the first move because it's always seen as my fault. My mum is the victim and no-one could ever be worse off than her. Or so she thinks. I'm not allowed to be down.

This is how she managed to dismiss my miscarriage as me making a fuss. She was actually with me when it started and she was shockingly uncaring and useless.

I had a pretty horrendous birth with ds2 which she was also around for. She was irritated with me while I was in labour for making a fuss and taking too long. She said to dh, 'Why can't she get on with it like everybody else?' as if I wanted to be in labour for two days and three nights.

Every time there is any sort of rift or if I ever mention that I'm hurt about something she clams up and it's down to me to build bridges.

I'm not sure I have it in me this time. I've got too many other people to look after.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 31/08/2006 21:11

Spidermama, I'm probably the worst person in Britain to be advising on something like this - but just from the tone of your post, and for the benefit of your peace of mind when you go in for the op., I would say that you should make peace with her. I'm sure you can do so without conceding that you were entirely in the wrong - and it is clearly important to you not to have bad feeling between you.

Good luck on Monday - you WON'T die under the anaesthetic!!

Greensleeves · 31/08/2006 21:12

Oh arse, I've just read your more recent post. Ignore me if I'm wrong. I hope you make the right decision for your own peace of mind anyway - that's much more important than the outcome of an argument IMO.

snowleopard · 31/08/2006 21:12

No, I wouldn't make it up with her. She's proved that she's not there for you, so I'd rely on DH and friends for support. It's highly unlikely anything will go wrong!

nineinchnipples · 31/08/2006 21:14

In that case I wouldn't bother, she sounds exactly like my mother and I dont get on with her (v long boring story) you need to concentrate on you and your family. You will be fine under the ga and you wont die, concentrate on yourself and make yourself happy

Original poster

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:14

If I did make up with her I feel it would be entirely for her sake. It's not like I get anything even vaguely maternal from her.

But then why am I still feeling guilt?

Thanks for the hug Maddison.

OP posts:

nineinchnipples · 31/08/2006 21:17

You are feeling guilt because you are a good person and a good mother to your children and possibly cannot understand why she is the way she is, the guilt she should be feeling is what you are feeling. I learnt the hard way, I got hurt time and time again by my mother until I left her to it and now I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Seriously look out for yourself and try to ignore her ways heres another hug

CountTo10 · 31/08/2006 21:17

From the sounds of it she's not very supportive and if you make that first move again you're doing it purely for a scenario that is not going to happen and just lead to further problems. Just think about you and your family and look to them for the support you need and deserve. Good luck for Monday.

Original poster

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:18

Do you have any sort of relationship with your mum nineinchers?

OP posts:

Katymac · 31/08/2006 21:20

Why not write her a letter forgiving everything - then you can rip it up on Monday evening?

Original poster

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:22

Katymac do you mean write her a letter but don't give it to her? As a means of, what, getting my feelings out?

Have you done something similar?

OP posts:

snowleopard · 31/08/2006 21:24

That's brilliant katymac - write the letter, in the unlikely event that it's needed she can have it, then after the op bin it.

Katymac · 31/08/2006 21:26

Well that way if the worst happens she will know you were OK with your relation ship - but as it's all going to be fine - she will never read it

I haven't done it cos of an operation or anything

But I often write stuff down then rip it up a few days later when I have dealt with it (iyswim)

nineinchnipples · 31/08/2006 21:26

THe odd phonecall, Ive only got back in touch with her since having my babies (dd 21 months ds 7 months) she does live 400 miles away though so that makes a difference, having said that I dont think it would make much difference to the person she is, my sister is moving to be closer to me, my brother moved out when he was sixteen and my other brother turns 17 in oct is planning on leaving,so I cant be that wrong. She only brought me up for the 1st 2 months of my life though, my grandparents did the rest, although we were all still living in the same house (does any of what I typed make sense?). We purely have a relationship of sorts for the sake of my children, they deserve to know who their grandmother is and when they are old enough they can choose whether or not they want a relationship with her, its not my decision to make.

Original poster

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:29

I see katymac. Sorry, I was being thick. That's a great idea. I'm not sure how genuine I'd manage to be with such a letter at this point, but I could try.

Nineinchers mine lives about 300 miles away. I agree that children should be allowed every opportunity to get to know their grandparents though. I have gone to great pains to ensure this.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 21:31

Are there any plusses to your relationship with her?

Katymac · 31/08/2006 21:31

SM - how honest do you need to be?

She isn't going to read it

If she ever did read it - she might not care

You are writing it so you feel better....do you have to mean it?

Original poster

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:36

Yes QV. I like the kids to know her. We get on well enough as long as I'm cheerful and strong. It's just so painful to be let down when I need her most. I have only asked for her help on a handful of occasions (m/c, traumatic birth) and each time she has clammed up and started going on about how everything is so much worse for her.

I would hate to have a lengthy rift because I'm not the sort of person who can blot it out and carry on. But why should it be me doing the making up when I get no support from her anyway?

OP posts:

nineinchnipples · 31/08/2006 21:39

Well imo you are doing absolutely nothing wrong at all, you are being a good mum to your children and a good daughter to your mum, if she can't see this its her look out, I know its hard (believe me I know!) but you are going to have to for want of a better word (but I am tired and cant think of one) 'cut' her out of your life, she only seems to be hurting you. You are going for surgery albeit 'minor' but its still a worry and the first thing you think of is making peace with your mum something she caused. You shouldn't feel like this, it is a worrying time as it is without the guilt that you needn't be feeling. Of course still talk to her but dont have her in that position of high importance anymore. Mums should be there to support us no matter what our age and no matter what the situation. More hugs

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 21:42

Well. I see it as you have two options.

You dont bother to make the effort, and dont make up. This means she can't hurt you further, but, you lose an important life relationship, as do your children. Unless of course she changes and decided to contact you first. You might well be waiting a long time, you might not. Its a bit of a gamble.

You could ring her, make up as you usually would. BUT, you vow not to turn to her again for support, because you know you wont get it because she just doesnt know how to do that for you. For whatever reason, she just can't do it for you. So, you choose to keep the positive stuff, and your children get their grandma, but, when you need someone for something that you would normally like to have your mum support (such as it is) you with, you dont pick her ever again. You choose DH, MIL, a sibling, a really good friend or someone you know you can trust to help you, and will give the support you need.

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