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Original poster

Do I need to make peace with my mum in case I die under general anaesthetic?

42 replies

Spidermama · 31/08/2006 20:59

It sounds silly but it's on my mind.

I've had a serious row with my mum on the phone. Basically I had a really long run of bad luck and gradually got more and more down until suddenly, at the weekend, I found myself crying. I'm normally quite good at battling on and I really hate asking for help so I hardly ever do it.

Anyway, this time I did. I wish I hadn't, I never will again, but I was really down. I somehow forgot that mum doesn't help me and only really gets on with me when I'm strong and positive. I'm the one in the family who isn't allowed to be vulnerable or needy ever. Even slightly.

To cut a long story short the phone call ended with her slagging off my dh, saying he was careless and that my brother is much better than me and my dh so I said, 'Don't be rude about dh. I love him and he loves me and thank fuck for that because I have no-one else'. And I hung up.

I didn't want it to end like that but I couldn't see a way out once she had first scorned my feelings then started slagging off dh.

So on Monday I'm having a minor op' which involved a GA.

If you were me would you make up with your mum before going into hosp just in case, well, something goes wrong?

OP posts:
edam · 31/08/2006 21:51

Spider, I don't have the same depth of problem as you, but I'm also always the one who has to build bridges. My mother makes bearing a grudge into an Olympic Sport. The number of very dear friends she's cut out of her life for ever...

Anyway, IME, it's about what feels right to YOU. Don't apologise for the sake of good relations when she's actually been bloody cruel.

Original poster
Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:53

Nineinchers, although I totally agree with your sentiments I don't think I could go through life nursing a rift. I don't think a total breakdown is necessary but I now know change is needed in my expectations of my mum. Again.

Thanks QV. I think I'll go for the latter of your suggestions, but NOT before the op. It's too soon and I'm still too hurt to risk it. I guess I'll have time to think it through while I'm convalescing.

Thanks very much for your help and support. When families break down, there's always Mumsnet eh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermama · 31/08/2006 21:55

Thanks edam. My mum has also cut out great friends. She has refused to go and visit some of her lifes best friends on their deathbed because she doesn't want to let in the pain. She can never put anyone's feelings before her own no matter what.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 21:59

Glad you have resolved it in your mind

Good luck for monday.

x

edam · 31/08/2006 21:59

She sounds like a nightmare SM. Mine's lovely in many ways but the bearing grudges/refusal to accept that she has any responsibility for stuff is very difficult to deal with. She divorced my father 25 years ago and STILL goes on about specific examples of his general crapness.

Original poster
Spidermama · 31/08/2006 22:06

We should get them together edam to moan about our dads a quarter of a century on. They'd really hit it off. Then they'd fall out after a few years and never speak to each other again of course.

OP posts:
edam · 31/08/2006 22:11

Can you imagine the one-upmanship, though? 'No, my ex was worse < insert example 674 part c, fig. iv >'

edam · 31/08/2006 22:12

Btw, the anaesthetic will be fine, you know. Honest. (Says the woman who wrote her will before having her wisdom teeth out.)

Amiable · 31/08/2006 22:41

SM, I've just skim read this thread so apologies if someone has already said this, but it sounds to me as if any apology is really for your own peace of mind, rather than your mum's. The idea of a letter you don't send is a good one to me. Then in the highly unlikely event it is necessary, she can read it later and know that you wanted things to be right between you. Under the circumstances you mentioned (past history etc) I agree that you should be thinking of yourself primarily, so anything that makes you feel better is a good thing.

Sorry this is not v well written, but you sound like a lovely person, and I hope it goes well on Monday!
((hugs))

Tommy · 31/08/2006 23:04

also only skimmed through but, if you're going to be morbid, if you die then making up with her hasn't helped you at all has it? Only her. If you want to help her, you could make it up any time.
I always feel I "should" make things up with my Mum after rows (and we've had a few in our time...) but now I don't bother and leave it for her to do it. (she doesn't). If I died tomorrow or even, tbh, if she died tomorrow, I wouldn't feel guilty about any of it but I think that is an attitude that you eventually arrive at rather than something you can just decide.
Good luck with op

Original poster
Spidermama · 01/09/2006 14:57

I might well write the letter but it's going to be hard to get genuine feelings down on paper while I feel like this. I don't think I have it in me to call her before the op but I'm also worried that I might be even more hurt if, or rather when she fails to phone me before the op.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 01/09/2006 16:22

Write down the plain old truth SM, whatever's in your mind - do that first then edit it to soften it a bit if necessary. eg "you have really hurt my feelings on occasion but I do want to let you know i love and forgive you, and I'm writing this instead of calling because I'm fed up with always being the one to build bridges".

Original poster
Spidermama · 01/09/2006 17:32

Ok I've done that snowy. If I edit out the more negative bits I won't be left with much. I think it was a good excersise anyway actually.

OP posts:
MABS · 01/09/2006 17:59

Mine's a bit like this too SM, take care Monday -good luck xx We'll have to get together at some point

carnation · 01/09/2006 18:23

Hi SM don't come on very often. Due to lack of time, but just reading your thread and I am actually going through a similar thing with my mum. Only I have been told to accept her and all her wrong doings as I will feel really guilty if anything happens to her and I hsven't allowed her to carry on the way she always has causing friction and damage within the family. Why should we be left with the guilt how would she feel. I like the idea of the letter although you will never need it. At least the guilt then will be with her and not you.

If you decided not to speak to her again then you will just be giving her what she wants and that is to be the victim.

I don't not speak to my mum but I keep the contact to the minimum. She tries to communicate direct to my children as their innocents make them see her as a nice person. I try to keep in control of the situation, but everyday I question myself as to whether I am doing the right thing.

Good luck on Monday you will be fine I have every faith in the health service!!

Original poster
Spidermama · 01/09/2006 20:15

Thanks carnation. You certainly know what I'm talking about and you speak a lot of sense.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 03/09/2006 22:54

Good luck tomorrow Spidermama! You'll be fine.

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