Diagnosed with HSV1 and fiancé ditches me at xmas, devastated

[cupcakedream]

Just before xmas I noticed a couple of bumps on my bits. Initially I thought shaving rash so went to local GP who agreed and said it didn't look anything sinister. Anywho a couple of days past and they turned into sores which were painful to touch so I went embarrassingly to the local sexual health centre and had some swabs taken.

The doc rung me the Friday before xmas and said I had tested positive to HSV1 genitally. I was gutted. The doc said I could have had it for years and it's just laid dormant in my system and something like stress caused the outbreak. I have to admit my fiancé and I were going through a rough patch so that may have contributed but we were trying to get back on track so this really threw me.

I have cried pretty much everyday since. The day after I found out I plucked up the courage to tell my fiancé. His response was 'oh for f* sake!' and he asked me to leave!! I have had to move out and have been alone over xmas and new year as he hasn't wanted to see me and I am too ashamed to tell anyone else. He says I have cheated on him and he will never want to be near me in case he catches it! He is a little naive to be honest, but I know I have to respect his choice. I am so down about it which in turn does not do any good because I don't want another outbreak. BTW I have not been unfaithful, that is not my style at all and it really hurts that he thinks I would be unfaithful to him.

I am in touch with my fiancé but he keeps saying he will get in touch once he has read more about it?! My feeling is that if he truly loved me he would have read up on it by now. He hasn't contacted me to see how I'm feeling and I'm a bit gutted really. I have some leaflets the doc gave me which I want to give him but he says he doesn't want to see me until he's read up on it.

I'm also concerned that if he doesn't take me back I will never find anyone who wants to have babies with me ever again and will end up living on my own with 79 cats!

Sorry to go on but I am at my wits end and cannot keep googling herpes because it's driving me slightly insane.

Big hugs, first of all.

Secondly, virtually everyone has or has had this virus - you are NOT going to have trouble finding a partner who knows this and considers your diagnosis to be as irrelevant as the size of your toes. Seriously, do not let your ex make you feel damaged or vulnerable at all! This is so incredibly common now it shouldn't even warrant a serious think (and even less common conditions, such as herpes, are now so well controlled and monitored that even they aren't deal breakers for loads of people).

Thirdly, ten years is a long time and you should give yourself the space to grieve the ending of that relationship BUT please try to look in from the outside (imagine this was a friend calling and crying to you about what her BF/ex had said/done) and recognize that he is no kind of partner if this is how he treats you. He'd never have your back in an emergency and knowing that he can treat you like this in a moment of need, how could you ever count on him to help with the challenge of raising kids (if that's something you want)?? You can do so much better than that loser.

I agree it sounds like he was having an affair or trying to have an affair, used this as an excuse to end it, and now is using it as a way of emotionally blackmailing you to try and control you into coming back. DO NOT LET HIM. Stay strong, walk away, cut off contact, take care of yourself. Join some new activity clubs and just throw yourself into living your life with such gusto you don't have time to miss him for at least 6 months. Good luck!

*meant to say HSV-2/genital herpes

He sounds like a total prick! Don't listen to him or your family - would they rather you went back to him just in case?!!

You won't be alone forever. It will take a while to get over this, but look on it as giving yourself the space and time to find someone who'll treat you with a damn sight more respect than this guy has. You deserve that.

Sorry to hear this. Your fiance is an appalling excuse for a human being... but there is some cold comfort in that at least you've discovered this now rather than when you're married to him with small children.

Really hope things pick up for you. And don't get back with him!!

Thank you all. It's just so tough. I have such a small circle of friends that are all in long term relationships and I find myself sitting at home every night on my own which makes me over think everything. I think I know deep down that he isn't the one and I agree that if he's like this now, what would he be like in a really tough situation!!

Exactly! Get yourself signed up to some classes or something, volunteering, whatever you need to so that you don't sit at home over-thinking things and you'll soon start to feel better

The saga continues.......he's now literally inundating me with texts asking to go out for dinner with him. He's telling me he misses me so much and he's lost without me.

It's breaking my heart that he feels so sad even though he's been an arse to me.

I'm now worried I've made the wrong choice and should be with him but I think I'm only saying that because im scared I will be on my own and what if he is meant to be my only chance of happiness?!

He's obviously not getting any and is hoping that you'll provide and oblige (once your sores have healed up of course) now he's looked up the fact that you won't be pox ridden all of the time.

Tell him to do an even bigger one.

You poor thing, what a prick your fiance has been!!! One of my dearest friends has HSV1 and she is absolutely fine, has been married for 10 years, 2 lovely kids, very few outbreaks. Yes, they are uncomfortable for her but only last a short time.

I don't blame you for doubting your fiance's commitment and character. If I were you I don't think I could forgive or forget such disloyal, disspassionate behaviour. You are definitely worth more than that. Very big hugs to you.

I gave my dp face herpes on our second date or something. He thought it was funny. Your dp is a twat, sorry.

Think about it this way OP: if you took him back, could you trust him to stand by you in future times of trouble?
That is the fundamental thing it all comes down to. If you can't, then you'd be wasting your time to get back with him.

Nobody will want him with a nasty attitude like that, honestly my jaw dropped when i read his 'nobody will want you'comment. I hope you know that is bollocks, its a pesky skin complaint 'tis all..annoying when you have an outbreak but then you forget about it.

Just like you should forget about him. You deserve so much better his behaviour is appalling

Argh I'm so glad I randomly came back to this thread!It had disappeared from my updates!

I agree entirely with what's been said especially Reinette and mooncupgoddess.

Forget about the HSV1 for a minute-you've had something, it could be anything, that's seriously upset you and you need your closest to support you.

This man CANNOT and WILL NOT do that. You could have been stuck with him with children, illness, name any random issue-he has proved that he is not capable,perhaps through choice-of being a loving supportive partner.

Trying to get back with you when he has betrayed you SO personally,and using such blatant emotional blackmail illustrates that in VERY vivid colours. What an utter, complete prick!!!!

Okay the HSV1. If you shave, you've probably had much more painful things from ingrown hairs or rash.If you get a bruise, it hurts and causes as much pain/embarrasment. The only 'real' issue, is the stigma. At worst, you'll get a bit of a blemish on your bits. It's a coldsore.Same as zillions of folk have on their lips-but because It's where it is,for some reason you're stigmatised-WHY? Because life-because folk.

You've had oral sex-you caught it, it hardly causes a problem.Sure It's contagious but as HS1 rather than 2(even two is very effectively manageable) it is not likely to affect a partner.Even less so if you suppress it with lysine and/or use antivirals and/or don't have sex if you get one I say IF!Because with management of it you probably won't get an outbreak ever again!

If said person is among the HUGE percentage of folk that have ever had a coldsore, their body will have already created the immunity to it.

Don't listen to the prick.It sounds like mind games to me. He's trying to control you, he probably gave it to you and do not, DO NOT! Fall for his stupid game of trying to make you bow down to him because you might get a zit on your bits now and again.

Why does somebody like you want to be with somebody as ugly as that?!

You sound like a loving, lovely person, I'm guessing you're relatively young, and you deserve the best. Please don't worry. Weed out the garbage, you've had a lucky escape. Tell him to fuck the fuckety fuck off, and see this as a good thing. Sorry this reply's so long-but at the moment I'm stuck somewhere awaiting a lift home so I have time and I'm very angry reading your x partner's reaction!It doesn't mean you'll be alone forever that's just silly!

PM me if you need xx

"he's now literally inundating me with texts asking to go out for dinner with him. He's telling me he misses me so much and he's lost without me."

Utterly predictable. He wants to be the one with all the control in the relationship.

"what if he is meant to be my only chance of happiness?!"

His behaviour to date suggests that long-term happiness with him is, at the very least, unlikely.

It would be worth you looking back at the whole relationship in the context of his behaviour now... have a think about whether this pattern of ignoring your feelings and wanting to be in control has been present all along.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this! I got HSV1 from my husband's cold sores, and i must echo some of the comments above- it is really not a big deal! it's also much less contagious than HSV2. I had a period of outbreaks a few years ago and now nothing. apparently HSV1 is more likely to lie dormant, you may never get another outbreak. these things are so much more common than you think. take care, and good luck!

This is a really nasty mind game. He's seen a way to totally undermine your confidence and if you go back to him now 'because no-one else will have you' he will have found a way to exert a lot of control over you. A good relationship has nothing to do with control and manipulation, it's based on love and respect.

Totally different circumstances, but an ex did a similar 'if you leave me no-one else will have you' thing to me many years ago. The chipping away at my confidence was very insidious and it scares me now to look back at how he had me thinking so little of myself (and I was only with him for 18 months). This guy won't suddenly have turned into an arsehole. I suspect he has been subtly undermining you for years - and it can be so subtle that you just don't notice it happening. It must be so hard when you've been with him for such a long time, but you are worth so much more than this. Be strong, don't listen to his bullshit, and make some time to treat yourself to things that make you feel good. There are some truly lovely men out there - I've found one now and you deserve one too.

Wow, he sounds really nasty, and it sounds like you have dodged a bullet by separating. If I were you I'd be changing your number, his controlling behaviour, putting you down, saying nobody else would want you etc is a) untrue b) vile and c) is bordering on harassment now.

Just wanted to add that you've been with him a long time and one of the things controlling men do is to steer you away from forming your own friendships and interests. Of course the prospect of life without him feels frightening and lonely, but if you can push through it and get out there, taking up things you've always wanted to try and meeting new people, you may discover a whole life you were missing out on.

Oh, and don't be taken in by the 'I'm so sad without you' bollocks. It's just part of the game, and if he is genuinely sad, then it's entirely his responsibility not yours.

What a fearful arse your fiance is.

I notice upthread you feared being left, your family have harped on this and he now plays on the "you'll be lucky to have me." He's playing you.

If you never ever met decent man again (and I'm sure you will), you'd be better off on your own for ever than put up with this snivelling shit.

Are you sure that his reaction wasn't hiding guilt? Could he have been expecting you to accuse him of adultery and giving you the virus? Does sound a bit extreme. Sounds a bit suspicious to me.

So sorry for you. What a shit time. Sometimes we do have to start again at the most unexpected time. There's plenty of support on here for you. Hope you're ok.

You deserve better. Don't go back to this awful man.

Block his number, I beg you.

If you were to get back together, this will used against you forevermore. Every time you disagree out it will come.

Total creep. I personally wouldn't respond at all, but if you have to please make it ' I have no interest in speaking or meeting with you. Any further contact will be harassment.'

As said, this whole thing is actually a cloud with a silver lining. You really, really don't want to be anywhere near, let alone married to this charmless twunt.

Thanks everyone for your support, it means a lot. Things have got slightly worse (prob my own fault in hindsight). He's now threatening to tell my work, colleagues, family and friends about my herpes and that I'm dirty.
It's stressing me out so much that I've been sick.

I should admit that when we broke up previously I kissed someone at work (I know, very stupid mistake but we weren't together and I got stupidly drunk at a works party, it was one kiss but nothing else). He's now saying that he's going to tell my employer about that too (we got back together after about a week and I felt like I had to tell him)

I feel like everything is in ruins and I know I've only got myself to blame. I'm now thinking that I should tell my manager at work in case he turns into a crazy ninja and turns up at my work.

What an absolute cunt of a human. I'm so angry for you!
This sounds to me like harassment/threatening behaviour and I hope someone more knowledgable than me can advise you soon.
Hold tight, CCD you've done NOTHING wrong.
Also, my best friend has outbreaks similar to you've described and she met her fiancé and was upfront and he was fine.

Thank you JonSnowKnowsNothing.

He's a real Jekyll and hyde character. He's just rung me to ask me to go to his work (owns his own business) because he's run out of ink in the printer and when I said no he said thanks for helping and made out like it's the end of the world, wtf!!