Diagnosed with HSV1 and fiancé ditches me at xmas, devastated

[cupcakedream]

Just before xmas I noticed a couple of bumps on my bits. Initially I thought shaving rash so went to local GP who agreed and said it didn't look anything sinister. Anywho a couple of days past and they turned into sores which were painful to touch so I went embarrassingly to the local sexual health centre and had some swabs taken.

The doc rung me the Friday before xmas and said I had tested positive to HSV1 genitally. I was gutted. The doc said I could have had it for years and it's just laid dormant in my system and something like stress caused the outbreak. I have to admit my fiancé and I were going through a rough patch so that may have contributed but we were trying to get back on track so this really threw me.

I have cried pretty much everyday since. The day after I found out I plucked up the courage to tell my fiancé. His response was 'oh for f* sake!' and he asked me to leave!! I have had to move out and have been alone over xmas and new year as he hasn't wanted to see me and I am too ashamed to tell anyone else. He says I have cheated on him and he will never want to be near me in case he catches it! He is a little naive to be honest, but I know I have to respect his choice. I am so down about it which in turn does not do any good because I don't want another outbreak. BTW I have not been unfaithful, that is not my style at all and it really hurts that he thinks I would be unfaithful to him.

I am in touch with my fiancé but he keeps saying he will get in touch once he has read more about it?! My feeling is that if he truly loved me he would have read up on it by now. He hasn't contacted me to see how I'm feeling and I'm a bit gutted really. I have some leaflets the doc gave me which I want to give him but he says he doesn't want to see me until he's read up on it.

I'm also concerned that if he doesn't take me back I will never find anyone who wants to have babies with me ever again and will end up living on my own with 79 cats!

Sorry to go on but I am at my wits end and cannot keep googling herpes because it's driving me slightly insane.

[darjeelingdarling]

hi cupcake,

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard start to the year.

I just wanted to reassure you that I only met my now Dh at nearly 29 and also that alarm bells definitely are ringing if he's telling you know one else will have you - a dear friend was caught is such a relationship and started believing him when he said the same. she stayed too long with him and then when he became physically abusive and she left and met a lovely man when she was 40 she found it was too late for children.

Its very manipulative and controlling language. If he really cared he'd understand how hurt you are and would respect your wishes, even if that meant leaving him.

I don't know much about the virus bit but I do know that the wart/ verucca virus is just everywhere but only certain people's immune systems let it break through. I only seem to get veruccas when I'm not that fit/ bit run down etc.

[NotAnIssue]

After many years of misdiagnosis I was finally diagnosed with HSV2 while XDH and I were splitting up. Main reasons for misdiagnosis were that my symptoms weren't classic (but were very common for women - the rash appears at the base of my spine), and because I was a Naice Middle Class Middle Aged Waitrose Shopping Married Laydee and people like that don't get STDs do they?

Anyway, the point is this. I am now with a wonderful new partner who has known about my HSV all along but who doesn't have HSV2. He doesn't seem to have picked it up either, but then he's had mild cold sores off and on throughout his life and apparently that does provide some protection.

Similarly XDH, who also has HSV2, has had three steady relationships since we split up and is now engaged to be married.

I know it's all a bit of a shock and can empathise with the 'dirty' feeling but really, it's not an issue.

Follow all the excellent advice above about your twattish XDFiancee then move on with your life.

[cupcakedream]

Hi guys

Just another update........he's still contacting me and telling me no one will ever want me but now I'm not replying and just keeping everything as evidence in case he turns nasty.

I'm having a little wobble today I.e. No ones going to want to be with me, I'm 29 and my life is over, etc. I think it's because I'm home alone tonight with my thoughts which I hate. I know I've made the right decision by not taking him back but just wanted to talk to someone and get some reassurance.

Xx

[Chocolatestain]

Can't help adding something else, that taking his baby thing has really pissed me off (it's such a nasty, mean way to try and get under a woman's skin). Turn that whole idea on its head and realise that you've saved your baby from having him as a father. Seriously - think how he has messed with your head and you were an adult when you met him. Now imagine only ever knowing that kind of control and manipulation from the most important man in your life. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse for a child, and his behaviour is abusive.

You, and any child you may have, deserve so much more.

[necklaceofraindrops]

I don't post very often, but this man's behaviour has made me so cross, I felt I had to say something.

This is classic emotional blackmail and manipulation. As others have said, he's feeling like he's not in control of the situation and is trying to get control back. He also wants to make sure you don't move on by making sure he's constantly on your mind. He's being a knob.

Block his number. Good idea to tell work you don't want to see or speak to him. And please call 101 if you feel threatened.

And as Chocolatestain says, if you're feeling like you're wobbling, come and post on here.

[Chocolatestain]

You have taken his baby away. I have never heard such utter bollocks. It's just another (somewhat desperate) attempt to guilt trip you.

If you do have to speak to him at all, just keep reminding yourself that everything he says is an attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty. And if you do start to wobble - just post it on here and we'll give you a reality check

[BoreOfWhabylon]

I also think you should contact the police on 101 about this. He is harassing and threatening you.

Or ring

The National Stalking Helpline
Telephone: 0808 802 0300
www.stalkinghelpline.org

• Practical advice and information to anyone who is currently or previously has been affected by harassment or stalking.

This creep has revealed his true colours and, as someone said earlier, his true colours are every shade of shit.

[clara26]

He is a vile vile twat! You have done nothing wrong, you deserve and will get far better.

[Matildathecat]

You know what...I would call 101 and discuss this with them. I'm pretty sure that this would constitute a crime. They can contact him/ pay a visit to have a 'chat' with him. You don't need to reveal your diagnosis to them just say he is bitter over your breakup and blackmailing/ threatening you in this way.

Please, please stop taking his calls or texts. You can choose to block his number and stop hearing all his nonsense.

Enjoy your pampering, you bloody deserve it.

[Sunflower49]

You didn't ruin his apparent last chance of having kids, he did by being a total wanker. :)
Enjoy the pampering :)

[cupcakedream]

You guys are the greatest and really do install hope in me which is totally what I need at the moment. I'm so pleased I posted on here. I usually just lurk and read but the support on here is immense and a real confidence booster.

Just to add to the mix, he is now telling me I have taken his baby away (wtf! we have no kids btw) because I was his last chance of having a baby (he's older then me by 20 years) which makes me feel shit for taking that away from him.

Just off to get my nails done (yay me, a bit of pampering) so won't be able to reply for a little while xx

[Sunflower49]

He's emotionally blackmailing you, he's not upset because he loves you, he's pissed off because he can't control you anymore.

^This. So much THIS!!!!

Totally agree with MsPickle and JingleJoo.
Tell work about his behaviour, that he's lost the plot and might call up spouting total garb.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Was he never controlling or unhinged about anything else in the past?Or is this totally out of the blue?

I have to crack a very weak smirk though,at the thought of this nasty piece of work's thoughts/face every time you snub him/don't give him the responses he wants to calls/texts-can you imagine it?

"WHAT?!?! EH?!????? WHY MY PLAN NOT WORKING?!?!?!"
:) stay strong, you're well rid!

[AnUnearthlyChild]

Gosh. What a total wanker.

[MsPickle]

Huh? He's going to do what?

You are not dirty.

So you kissed someone else while you were split up.

You don't need to answer this but did you have many partners before him? Perhaps tell him that, if he is really so childish and stupid to tell people you will ensure that they all know that the reason you split up was because he gave you herpes.

I don't actually think that he would call your employer as that's totally bonkers but perhaps just say to someone at work that you've split, he's not taking it well and should he call/arrive you don't want to see/talk to him as he's been threatening and telling wild stories.

Your health is your business.

He sounds vile and you will find someone much nicer!

[JingleJoo]

Op - I'm knew to your thread but couldn't help commenting.

Firstly, at least this recent outburst by your ex shows you, without a shadow of a doubt, you have done the right thing not taking him back.

Secondly, in relation to him talking to your work colleagues, family etc, think about this dispassionately for a minute. If one of your friends or relatives exes started shouting about herpes and affairs etc etc you would probably just think 'what a desperate, lying loser! She's better off without him!'.

There is no shame on your part, but remember you only need to be honest with those close to you. If he starts spreading rumours, don't rise to it, roll your eyes and tell people he's always been unstable and this is why you split up. They will undoubtably feel sympathy with you and think you are well rid.

Oh and block all contact, change mobile number etc.

[cupcakedream]

Thank you JonSnowKnowsNothing.

He's a real Jekyll and hyde character. He's just rung me to ask me to go to his work (owns his own business) because he's run out of ink in the printer and when I said no he said thanks for helping and made out like it's the end of the world, wtf!!

[JonSnowKnowsNothing]

What an absolute cunt of a human. I'm so angry for you!
This sounds to me like harassment/threatening behaviour and I hope someone more knowledgable than me can advise you soon.
Hold tight, CCD you've done NOTHING wrong.
Also, my best friend has outbreaks similar to you've described and she met her fiancé and was upfront and he was fine.

[cupcakedream]

Thanks everyone for your support, it means a lot. Things have got slightly worse (prob my own fault in hindsight). He's now threatening to tell my work, colleagues, family and friends about my herpes and that I'm dirty.
It's stressing me out so much that I've been sick.

I should admit that when we broke up previously I kissed someone at work (I know, very stupid mistake but we weren't together and I got stupidly drunk at a works party, it was one kiss but nothing else). He's now saying that he's going to tell my employer about that too (we got back together after about a week and I felt like I had to tell him)

I feel like everything is in ruins and I know I've only got myself to blame. I'm now thinking that I should tell my manager at work in case he turns into a crazy ninja and turns up at my work.

[Matildathecat]

Block his number, I beg you.

If you were to get back together, this will used against you forevermore. Every time you disagree out it will come.

Total creep. I personally wouldn't respond at all, but if you have to please make it ' I have no interest in speaking or meeting with you. Any further contact will be harassment.'

As said, this whole thing is actually a cloud with a silver lining. You really, really don't want to be anywhere near, let alone married to this charmless twunt.

[BouncingJellyfish]

You deserve better. Don't go back to this awful man.