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Original poster

Sick mum, sick husband, full time job, two children. WWYD?

85 replies

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:15

I will try to be brief. Mum is extremely ill, has cancer and we fear is about to receive a terminal diagnosis. Mum and Dad live 4 hours away (and a nightmare journey at that). DH is also now ill, needs urgent endoscopy for suspected internal bleeding - possibly an ulcer, but God knows and extremely worrying. DH looks after two young DCs, one of whom is only 3 and just goes to nursery for two short days a week. DH so tired and unwell that he really isn't fit for doing this. And then there's me - trying to hold down a 40 hour a week job and not doing a great job of it at the moment. Have talked to work - repeatedly, as I've had my own heath troubles - and have the distinct sense that they are starting to lose patience with me.

Result, I feel torn at least three ways. What on earth do I do? Where do I start in picking my way through this? Feeling very very down today, sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:16

Oh, and Dad is also unwell - has been all his life - and probably won't cope with caring for mum, just to add to the situation.

OP posts:

Golddigger · 06/12/2013 13:19

Have you other relatives that you can call on to help?

Original poster

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:20

I have a DB, currently abroad for work. My dad's sister lives close to them, and it's a blessing knowing that, but she works full time (all hours god sends) as does her other half. There's no one else any closer than me.

OP posts:

HaPPy8 · 06/12/2013 13:22

How long is your DH expected to be ill for?

Original poster

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:22

And unfortunately no relatives anywhere close to us to help out with DH and children.

OP posts:

GoodKingWencesLACK · 06/12/2013 13:23

Aw, chin up It sounds really tough.

Is your DM getting support locally? through MacMillan or Marie Curie?

Could your youngest get more nursery provision? Is he at school nursery? Ours do extended care, and if there is space they can go five days a week if necessary (and is cheap at £12 per half day session)

Is there any support you can call on locally yourself? local children's centre, or carer's service? friends? Could you look at reducing your hours, even temporarily? Would that be financially viable?

I am a care worker, and though it's predominantly elderly, we have had a few short term contracts where an ill parent got help through social services. We would go to help with bathing the kids and getting them ready for school/bed etc. They were generally single parents though.

Original poster

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:24

God knows Happy8. I am trying not to panic, but of course I'm terrified they will find something worse than an ulcer in the scan. A bleeding ulcer is serious by itself of course. He has been so unwell for so long, he has severe migraines, pretty bad depression, and of course this is making all that worse. Thank God I made him go to the doctor about his tummy troubles, which have also been going on for some time. Seems like a ticking time bomb.

OP posts:

Timetoask · 06/12/2013 13:24

OP, that sounds extremely tough.
Could you apply for some months of sabbatical from work until things get better? Specially your DH's health?

Could you parents move near you? Get help near you? So that you can keep an eye but be able to continue looking after your family?

Golddigger · 06/12/2013 13:25

You need all the help you can muster. Whether that is neighbours, or a second cousin twice removed.

GoodKingWencesLACK · 06/12/2013 13:27

Your Mum and Dad at the least should get in touch with the local council's adult services for an asssessment of their needs by a social worker; even if it's just carers in to prepare meals a couple of times a day or do their shopping. It's means tested, so they may have to make some sort of contribution.

There is help out there for your parents; if they are happy to access it, and I know that some people just aren't as it is quite intrusive allowing carers into your home at first.

3littlefrogs · 06/12/2013 13:27

Have you asked about carer's leave?

Does your work have a HR dept? Are you in a union?

Maybe CAB could advise?

My friend was in this exact situation - she was in the civil service and they did have a carer's leave scheme.

Floralnomad · 06/12/2013 13:28

Speak to your GP and see if you can get signed off with stress for a few weeks so that you can get your head around what to do .

Original poster

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:28

There is no support organised yet for my mum and dad. We need to get this latest set of results really (due next week) but she really is ill - it's dreadful to hear her getting worse and worse whenever I speak to her. I need to be able to get up to see them, but I'm frightened to leave DH with the children and I can't take the kids with me the way things are for mum and dad at the moment. My Dad is also fiercely independent which doesn't help, and will probably run himself into the ground before accepting any help.

Reducing hours is not an option - no - we need every penny, especially at the moment when we're looking at extra long journeys etc, plus I don't think work would take it kindly at all. Our nursery is probably about £12 per half session as well, but that certainly mounts up! That is my next port of call, to see about putting DD in for more days. We'll have to see how DH gets on. I have managed to get agreement from work that I can leave at 4 if DH needs me and make up my hours working from home, but that gets so tiring by the time I've sorted out the kids and tea and DD has finally gone to sleep. I don't get down to working until at least 9pm.

OP posts:

Artandco · 06/12/2013 13:29

Can the nursery take youngest longer? They might give you a temp contract rather than termly of you explain the reasons ie dh in hospital. So could sign up for 2 weeks full time.

Or can you afford a nanny temporarily? 2 weeks would help wouldn't it? A nanny/ housekeeper might be happy o run errands for your parents on the mornings youngest is in nursery and would help with childrens things in house ie their food and bedrooms and clothes.

3littlefrogs · 06/12/2013 13:29

I agree that your parents really need to contact SS and MacMillan to get advice and support. What would they do if they had no family?

HaPPy8 · 06/12/2013 13:30

Its very difficult to make plans when you don't know what to expect, i feel very sorry for you. Some good ideas above, Im not sure i can think of any other suggestions. I hope your family is well soon.

bigbrick · 06/12/2013 13:31

You are putting food on the table and this needs to be done. If you didn't have your job it would be a problem to all. So you keep going to work. Your dh needs to rest up it sounds and hope he'll be ok. Can you pay for someone to look after the kids at home whilst you are at work? When I was unable to look after my kids because of medical reasons we asked for help at home from someone who had worked at the creche my youngest went to some mornings.

Original poster

gaelicsheep · 06/12/2013 13:32

Oh dear, I do sound negative, but the thing is I can't afford to get signed off because I've used up the paid sick leave for the year. It's a rolling sick year and I had a bad bout of flu early last year, meaning that's my paid sick leave gone until at least February. Also I'm really afraid that would put my job at risk. It's a small private company, nothing like a carer's policy unfortunately.

Thanks for all the suggestions though. It is helpful getting other's points of view, who can look at things a bit more dispassionately.

OP posts:

PeterParkerSays · 06/12/2013 13:32

Do you have any annual leave available, or is it all earmarked for school holidays?

Is there anyone you could stay with who lives near your mum and dad, so you can be up there but not in their house?

Artandco · 06/12/2013 13:35

Can the nursery take youngest longer? They might give you a temp contract rather than termly of you explain the reasons ie dh in hospital. So could sign up for 2 weeks full time.

YoucancallmeQueenBee · 06/12/2013 13:37

First of all sympathy, I have lived through a not dissimilar period. You will get through it but it will be tough.

First of all, it sounds as though your job is really important, as it is what keeps your whole family supported. You are going to have to make some tough calls on your priorities here, but always bear that in mind. Your job is important.

Secondly, I'm sorry your DH is in a bad way but can you encourage him to take a bit more responsibility for himself. I noticed you said that you made him go to the doctor - why are you having to do that? Can you have a chat to him about stepping up and supporting you a bit more?

Now to your parents, you need to encourage them to get support and get organised. How much income do they have? How sensible and together is your Dad? Having just gone through a diagnosis of cancer to death and out the other side of one of my parents, I would say that the support from the NHS was not great, not awful, but not great either. Do a bit of research on local caring agencies, you probably won't need to get in touch with them yet but it would be good to have their number in case you do need to. They are not cheap but can offer short bursts of help at an hourly rate, which may not break the bank either. Find out what charitable support & local authority support your parents may be entitled to as well. Once you have a terminal diagnosis, your Dad can get attendance allowance & he should be able to get council tax discounts too.

You will have to be a bit hard sometimes & just set your priority for that day / week & focus on that. No fairies or magic wands to wave - sorry.

SinisterSal · 06/12/2013 13:39

I would see if any reliable local teenager wants some posket money after school a couple of afternoons a week. Would give your husband a break, you could maybe power through stuff at work til late without worrying, which might soften their cough for when you need to leave early on other days.

YoucancallmeQueenBee · 06/12/2013 13:40

Also, not sure how many bedrooms you have in your house, but an aupair is the cheapest form of childcare. Might be something to consider.

cate16 · 06/12/2013 13:42

What sort of childcare is the 3y old in? I run a preschool, and in cases like yours we would provide any extra hours possible - so if a another child is off sick/holiday your child would be given the space temporarily.
Cost wise we would come to an 'arrangement' depending on various situations - each case would be different.

oscarwilde · 06/12/2013 13:43

Hi OP. I'm really sorry about your Mum, that must be really tough.

Can you ask your DB for financial help if he can't be physically present? Can he contribute towards some home assistance for your parents or a subscription to Cook! if nothing else? Is he making an effort to Skype etc to take some of the pressure to be in regular contact off you.
I think you should put him in the picture as to how difficult it all is at the moment, and your Aunt too. She may work all the hours that god sends but she may not need to. Simply telling her that your DH is also quite ill and you are frantically juggling but cannot / will not be allowed time off work at present might help.

Re your DH. Cross one bridge at a time and don't envisage the worst. Does your DD get any free hours from the state? Are you even in the UK? Do your friends and your kids schoolfriends parents know about your Mum. Would they offer lots of playdates if they knew?

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