Fed up and tearful - back pain has me laid up in bed

[PavlovtheCat]

It's now something like 10 weeks post surgery (discectomy on l5/s1 disc). A few days ago, I jarred my back jumping onto the side of the swimming pool to get out instead of using the steps (I forgot, just went to autopilot and jumped out). My back was 'popping' before that so it was feeling tender already and that was the last straw. Yesterday, already being in some pain, I trod on a potato masher in the doorway, which found its way there courtesy of a 3 year old 'helping' to tidy up. That jarred it yet again, it made me cry out loud.

I am now in bed, after my 3 year old came up and used my back, right at the point of tender, inflamed muscles and where my scar is, as a drum, 3 or 4 times in succession. Fucking hell! I didn't shout, I whined, then cried and then flounced upstairs (sort of flounced as one does when unable to stand straight or walk fast), saying 'no! no! you can't do that!'

Now in bed, having had a good cry, followed by a cuddle with my 3 year old telling him mummy didn't mean to be so cross and walk away when he said sorry, I was just upset that my back hurt so much. He cuddled me 'friends again mummy?' he pleaded - broke my heart. He asked, again why my back hurts. He has tried so hard to understand why mummy's back has hurt for so long, but he really doesn't understand.

DH has brought me more medicine, including some strong ones which I have been trying to resist. I took a small dose of valium last night to try and curb the spasms, but unfortunately it didn't work, I need to take them throughout the day for the whole day, and I really really don't want to do it, as it will mean no work tomorrow. I was off friday (half day) and have only been back 2 weeks following 8wks off for surgery. I can't take more time off now.

DH said I have been trying too hard to act like I no longer have a back problem. I suspect I have. He said I have to expect these episodes will continue for the forseable future, but remember that they are, so far, less frequent, or at least, less debilitating than they have been, so that is progress. He has said I have to remember I cannot just carry on like I don't have a bad back as I have just had surgery, only 10weeks ago, and before that could hardly walk.

I just feel so sad. I want it to be all ok again. I keep worrying it's not going to be, like Damocles' Sword dangling over me and episodes like this remind me that I am still not 'ok'.

Why am I typing this? reassurance that this is going to all go away in time. Some sympathy and company as I lay here feeling sorry for myself. A chance to whinge and say woe is me. Hoping for a miracle.

I have to remind myself that the leg pain has mostly gone and think of the positives and how far I have come right? Why is that so hard?

Aw, I knew it would be you.

Have you got good drugs in you today?

Can you get a cold pack on the sore inflamed bit today, 20 mins on, 20 mins off.

Oh Pavlov I do get where you're coming from.

16 years of disc related pain here. I too had a Dischetomy about 2 years ago following the worst bout of pain I have ever experienced. It flared up again when I was preg but luckily has calmed down again.

Back problems can be absolutely debilitating. What job do you do? If you're in so much pain that you have to be in bed, I really doubt that you can or should go into work tomorrow.

Umm hugs & some cake?

moaning I have codiene (30mg, don't want to take 60mg) and paracetamol, naproxen. Diazepam in reserve but think I might have to succumb. I have been managing to get by on just paracetamol and naproxen and had gp review due to not sleeping well with pain, trying to double naproxen in the evening and miss out the daytime dose, but it's not made a huge difference. I am not sure it's good you knew it was me...I am a terrible moaner though ain't i?

forgetfulmog how is your disc(s) now? how long did it take you to recover from the op? I have to go to work tomorrow. I have had so much time off over this last year, had huge support from my managers and HR, new manager, less tolerant, although he is new so finding his feet with stuff like this, and the reason for such support was on the basis that this surgery was going to make a big difference to my sickness. So, off friday due to back problems and again tomorrow, after two weeks of an already phased return (less than two weeks as I only did tuesday/wednesday last week).

If I can't get back to work on reduced hours, my job is fucked. I work with offenders in the community - lots of (too much) sitting down using the computer, a reasonable amount (but not as much as there should be ) seeing clients, largely also sitting down.

I have good support at work in terms of a decent orthopaedic chair specially designed for people with back problems (physio said the almost £1k they spent was a waste as a rolled up towel would have been sufficient), regular breaks factored in, files at waist height, headset, footrest etc etc, I can actually stand up and type/work but I think that bothers my colleagues as it 'looks' out of place.

Pavlov - I can't remember exactly but I believe I started a phased return to work between 6 & 8 weeks post-op. I had no pain at all for about 2 months post recovery (which took about 5-6 weeks post-op). I then started to get back pain again, tingling in my feet/toes. Went to the GP about 6 months post op & he wasn't overly concerned. I then got preg 7 months post-op & my back pain got worse & worse (not to the level it was pre-op thankfully) but of course I couldn't take painkillers because of being preg.

I started the Alexandra Technique (after some sessions of private Physio which was a complete waste of money) & I don't know if it was that, but my back gradually got better & 5 months into my preg the pain went. I had a follow up appt with my surgeon when I was 2 months preg & he suspected another slipped disc but couldn't do an MRI as I was preg.

I still get bouts of pain & I also get my back seizing up (with very sharp pain) if I have been sitting down for long periods of time.

Do you know when your follow-up appt is? The only thing I can suggest for your work is to take regular breaks & move about as much as you can. Also walk as much as poss when you're at home. Walking is brilliant as it doesn't strain anything but helps tone your stomach muscles. Have you been given post-op exercises to do?

Are you taking the paracetamol and naproxen regularly - ie by the clock not when you feel sore.

Codeine is lovely why don't you want to take 60? If it makes you feel too pissed the take 30 each time with the paracetamol and save a dose of 60 for bedtime only maybe? If it's for the other side effects well dynorod or lactulose can fix it.

Are you having physio to strengthen your muscles/core strength etc?

forget I am due my follow-up within the next two weeks but haven't heard anything yet. I will chase it this week. I had been told on leaving hospital it would be 6-7weeks, but then the surgeons's secretary told me it was 12 weeks, when I called to chase it.

I have been given very basic exercises to do at home. However, I have also recently seen a private physio who has given me some more specific exercises to do, both at home and in the water. He has also recommended using the cross-trainer 3 times a week for 30 mins (building up to within a 3 week period). I also find walking good, although too much also takes it's toll. I will try to go and take a walk this afteroon. Dh wants to do that with the children anyway, so perhaps I can go and take my crutch to help me a little at first (I don't normally use it, but if on rough ground I need it as it jars on uneven surfaces and sends me to the floor).

My surgeon has said that he cannot rule out the possibility of fusion in the future as I have a misaligned vertebrae (not drastic) and if the disc prolapses further on the opposite side (left was compressed, right was left along as although prolapsed, not so prominent and not causing such horrendous levels of pain) he will be unlikely to be able to address it without fusion. I guess that is my constant fear now. I probably need to just find a way to manage that fear. This episode does not make that more of a reality, it's just what I might have to get used to by the sounds of it.

I don't know a huge amount about fusion (other than the fact you're likely to see the alarms off when going through airport security due to the metal ).

Thing is though, I suspect fear of the pain is probably worse than fear of the procedure. It maybe that you have been doing too much, too soon, it may be that your back is readjusting and that's what is causing the pain. For now I would try to take each day as it comes and see what your surgeon says at your follow-up.

Good luck

moaning just started physio, have some good exercises to do. Have got back to the gym to do crosstrainer and swimming. LOVE being back exercising, but working hard not to overdo it. Had been due to return to Body Balance this week (thai chi, yoga, pilates in one class - love this class).

I take the naproxen and paracetamol regularly, occasionally miss the paracetemol, but largely daily doses are taken (with omeprazol), codeine I have been only taken when needed. 60mg spins me out properly, and I would like to at least be able to go for a walk (ha!) later. It hasn't done though, as prior to surgery that was normal for me some days. Although, not for a while as I was then on tramadol, and took 30mg of codeine on top of that when really bad. Thank god I stopped tramadol, and never again. I hated it and never felt it worked as well as codiene anyway.

I hate hibernating away like this. I really don't want the children to be like 'oh yeah, mummy is always in bed with a bad back'. I don't want that to be what they remember when they are adults 'mum always in bed with a bad back'. Although, I have hardly done this at all after the first two weeks of surgery, maybe two or three days in total?

The particular fusion that will be done if I do have it, is that a sort of 'T" bar will be placed between two vertebrae and then across to my hips (not sure if it will attach to my hips, I didn't fully understand that, but I think so). Not all fusion is that way, some use a cage and hip shavings.

My fear of fusion is that a) it won't work and b) it will make it all worse. b) is my worst fear - that I will got through yet another surgical procedure and one that will take twice/three times as long to recover from and that I will be worse than I am now.

It's been a few weeks. Early days yet and you've banged it. Sounds like (apart from today) your mobility is pretty good.

Do take the paracetamol regularly. I know we don't think much of it, because it's OTC, but it is a really good painkiller and best effect if you take regularly rather than randomly.

They are a long way off,' yeah and then Mum took to her bed with backache and we never saw her for 3 years' Long long way off.

You really need to discuss all this with your surgeon (if indeed a fusion is needed) as what you're doing now is escalating it in your head. I'm sorry, that sounded horrible and I didn't mean to, but it can be difficult to think "rationally" when you're in pain and have recently had major surgery. Make sure you write down all the things you're worried/scared about & bring them up at your check up.

Don't feel guilty about being in bed (although for the sake of your back I wouldn't lie there for too long!). Your DC will understand and in the grand scheme of things you're not going to be in bed all the time, just when it's agony.

I really do feel for you

forgetful I am just going to not have fusion, then there won't be any risk! Normally I am upbeat, positive and full of 'yeah, i'm going to be bodyboarding and kayaking again next year!' and then, days like today, I am like 'it's all doomed, my life is doomed, this is it'.

moaning much more mobile than I have been although I still shuffle like a snail . I am working on that! Funnily, when I am exercising and for a short while after, I am almost pain free and walk more easily than I have done for a long time. I think that's partly why I am enjoying it. Apparantly, according to the physio, my back muscle, can't remember the name of it, but the very large one, doesn't engage at all on one side, and so my spine is not supported, which is why I still stoop and shuffle, so much of my physio is to teach that muscle to work again.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sore and miserable. I managed somehow to displace a rib this weekend, and although I know it will be back to normal soon (osteo treated it yesterday) the pain is getting me down and it is almost certainly not as severe or long lasting as yours.

Here are a few suggestion I have - some you have had already.

1. Get someone to teach you some core strengthening exercises and do them for 20-30 mins each day, absolutely without fail.

1. I second the recommendation up thread for Alexander Technique to work on your posture.

1. Consider getting a made to measure corset. It won't restrict your breathing or squash your organs or cause you any other problems but a properly made one will support your back. There are only a couple of people in the UK who I would trust to make one that fits you properly and will help rather than harm, so PM me if you are interested and I will forward contact details.

thistle thank you for the tips - I am trying to do some core strength exercises, mostly I am doing them, slowly. I had hope to go to body balance tomorrow, and I think I might just bite the bullet and go anyway but I hurt today.

I went to work. It was fucking tough. I managed on low dose codeine, naproxen and paracetamol. It is jarring with each step. and sitting down too long (for more than 10 mins) makes my back stiffen and sitting hurts my legs - the nerve pain has returned a little when sitting. I did in fact stand up to do some work for about 30 mins - I have a high paper rest so I put the keyboard on that and tilted my screen!

I have got a little nerve tingling/numbness in my toes, left side, nothing significant, but it's there, but thinking I might be worrying it there if that makes sense...

Oh, and DD tried picking me up. OUCH! she went to give me a big hug around my waist/hip area and for some reason decided with no warning to try and lift me with force (she is 7!), I wasn't expecting it, lifted, then pushed down to stop her, and fucking hell, that also jarred my back! I once again walked away upset and crying, and apologised to her and reminded her none of this is her fault, she has done nothing wrong, it's my back that's the problem. but she still felt the need to apologise to me

I WANT IT TO JUST STOP HURTING NOW! that's better.

how is your rib today thistle btw, hope it's not too sore.

Hi Pavlov,

Have been thinking about you. Sorry you've had a bad patch. Seems like going back to work has coincided with regression? Can you drop other stuff if getting to work is vital? Also, take the drugs if you need them. I so identify with fighting the whole bloody thing, but, hey it just doesn't work...

Hope you can have a good chat with your surgeon at your follow up. I would be asking for another MRI just to check how things are.

Try to keep positive. Even if surgery was totally successful it could take months for complete recovery.

Take care.x

Thanks matilda. I have chased the neurosurgery follow up and I am thoroughly pissed off. I was told at discharge from hospital that follow-up would be 6wks, my discharge notes said follow-up would be 6-8wks. I called the neuro's secretary at 6wks having heard nothing and told 'oh nonono dear we don't do 6wks, you won't be seen until 12 weeks, mid to end of September'. I called them yesterday to see if an appt might be on it's way as I have heard nothing. I was told that a) no appt was made, although one has been requested from neuro secretary b) they are booking 6wks in advance c) there are a LOT of people in front of me still waiting for an appt, and so d) I am not likely to be seen until end of October at the earliest. I was made to feel like I was being unreasonable by even asking for some idea of when I might be seen 'there are people in front of you you know, we have to see those people first, they were there first'. FFS. So, the only option now they said is if I have any concerns that I feel cannot wait for what will end up being 16-18 weeks post surgery if I am lucky for a follow-up, i need to see my GP and ask him to write a letter asking for me to 'expedited' up the list and the neuro will look to see if the reason warrants me being seen 'before all those people before you'.

I could bloody cry. There is NO after care. NONE. Sorry matilda. It's not what you want to hear is it . The surgical team though, they are fab though.

I have some increase in leg pain on my right, but probably nothing that would cause concern enough for the neuro to see me early. I don't have numbness etc, just pain. Apparantly, pain is ok

And, to top it off, I think I have a UTI. Which I shouldn't really leave, as I only have one kidney. But, I only found this out on an MRI, and prior to that I would have just drank lots of water and cranberry juice, but now that I know, I really probably get some ABs as apparantly that's what I have to do with one kidney. But, never done that before when I didn't know, and I don't want any more drugs. I am a rattling chemist as it is!

Oh dear Pavlov I have been wondering how you are doing. I'm so sorry to hear recovery is taking longer than you hoped. I think you were about 3 weeks post surgery last time I read one of your posts and you were feeling really positive then.

Hope everything improves for you soon.

how are you now Pavlov? it's crap that you are still suffering

Hey downton and denial more upbeat today. I have just got on with work, and is probably the best thing for me, as I have been very busy there as they have ramped up my workload and i have had to deal with some urgent public protection stuff so tried hard to just push it all to the back of my mind. The pain has eased a lot, but my back keeps giving way and I can't bend easily without that happening. I have more leg pain in my right leg, but am trying to tell myself I am worrying it there, if that makes sense. Mornings are the worst, as I am not sleeping well, it hurts to move in bed.

Funnily, the one thing I am finding that helps is exercise. I did 35 mins on the cross trainer last night and as I do that, I am almost pain free. I sweated lots and am finding those endorphines somewhat addictive! Also swimming is great and I am really enjoying being in the water, it just takes the weight off everything. It also eases for a little while after and I am hoping that if I can just keep doing this it will all settle down in time and I am just being impatient. I am finding that any exercises that involve any twisting is still catching a nerve in both left and right leg, but once I stop that exercise, the numbness stops.

It's the walking, which I am supposed to be doing most of, that hurts, as it jars my back. Bt I am wearing my trainers more and going to invest in a new pair of black ones for work. My gp said he would recommend that as it is providing a cushioned support. He is also re-referring me to pain clinic now the disc issue has been 'resolved'. They won't look good with a shift dress though so I will have to revisit my wardrobe!

The occupational therapist did say to me that I should expect 6 months before I was 'the same as everyone else' again and I am trying to keep that in my head.

Today I am not at work, and going to take my ds to a park for a bit and hopefully the stretching will help.

I just want to speak to the neuro and get some idea of whether this is normal after surgery, and reassurances, but I am going to have to wait another 2 months! That will be like 4 or more months post surgery!

I have always been told I am impatient, and it has always proved a good trait for the most part, but now, I am realising just how impatient I am and that it can be a hinderance.

And I have to remember how much better it all is since surgery, and it really is much better. I was so scared for such a long time that my disability would be immense and permanent and I need to remind myself that frustration, a bit of pain, and annoyance that I am not running around like I want to be is nothing like how it has been for me. But I do also still need to accept that I do have a disability, and it's not going to ever going to be properly back to how it used to be, and that, really, that's ok. I am healthy in every other way, and I am mobile enough to move around now, and able to work and be productive in my life and thatis so much more than what i was able to do this time last year, or where other people ever get back to, i need to think of what I can do, not what I can't. And I know I have been here before writing those things!

I was talking to a colleague at work this week who has serious back issues. She has had several sections fused, has had a knee problem due to impact of back problems, is on oramorph for the pain and been told there is nothing more they can do other than help with pain relief such as hydrotherapy. She uses crutches every day, has to have a shoulder op due to only using one crutch for a while as she tried to manage her two children and work and is in constant pain. She manages to work, she smiles, although you can see the pain in her face. So,I am actually not so bad.

had a great physio session today. Worked hard for half hour with the physio, practising some core strength exercises, had a good chat about pain and how to manage it. He said it's going to take months to reduce the pain levels, as i basically have no core strength at all, and I have a really good regime to work to. I said that exercise helped, and that I couldn't exercise 24/7! After our session I said I felt so much freer and reduced pain, he said it was due to - increased endorphins, increased blood flow, the fact the bloody flow was warm etc, and suggested I use my heat pad/hot water bottle every day to help with pain relief, and that I have to give it time, much more time than I have now. He said I am only just beginning the recovery process, that the surgery has fixed the leg pain, cannot fix the back pain, but I can work to reduce it significantly.

So basically, I have to exercise regularly, and never stop

ARGH. Great gym session today doing my first lot of new physio exercises. Felt great, healthy, reduced pain while I trained. But, all day my back keeps giving way. It is just buckling. And as the evening is drawing on it's increasing. It's only a little painful in between, but, every tiny little dip and dent is jarring it and it gives way and I can't get into sitting or up from sitting without putting weight onto my arms to stop it giving way! The physio said to ensure I engage my stomach, butt and back muscles as fully as I can to brace when I sit/stand/bend to crouching but it's not working! Grrr.

Least I am getting fit everywhere else! My stomach muscles are going to be feeling it tomorrow though