It's now something like 10 weeks post surgery (discectomy on l5/s1 disc). A few days ago, I jarred my back jumping onto the side of the swimming pool to get out instead of using the steps (I forgot, just went to autopilot and jumped out). My back was 'popping' before that so it was feeling tender already and that was the last straw. Yesterday, already being in some pain, I trod on a potato masher in the doorway, which found its way there courtesy of a 3 year old 'helping' to tidy up. That jarred it yet again, it made me cry out loud.
I am now in bed, after my 3 year old came up and used my back, right at the point of tender, inflamed muscles and where my scar is, as a drum, 3 or 4 times in succession. Fucking hell! I didn't shout, I whined, then cried and then flounced upstairs (sort of flounced as one does when unable to stand straight or walk fast), saying 'no! no! you can't do that!'
Now in bed, having had a good cry, followed by a cuddle with my 3 year old telling him mummy didn't mean to be so cross and walk away when he said sorry, I was just upset that my back hurt so much. He cuddled me 'friends again mummy?' he pleaded - broke my heart. He asked, again why my back hurts. He has tried so hard to understand why mummy's back has hurt for so long, but he really doesn't understand.
DH has brought me more medicine, including some strong ones which I have been trying to resist. I took a small dose of valium last night to try and curb the spasms, but unfortunately it didn't work, I need to take them throughout the day for the whole day, and I really really don't want to do it, as it will mean no work tomorrow. I was off friday (half day) and have only been back 2 weeks following 8wks off for surgery. I can't take more time off now.
DH said I have been trying too hard to act like I no longer have a back problem. I suspect I have. He said I have to expect these episodes will continue for the forseable future, but remember that they are, so far, less frequent, or at least, less debilitating than they have been, so that is progress. He has said I have to remember I cannot just carry on like I don't have a bad back as I have just had surgery, only 10weeks ago, and before that could hardly walk.
I just feel so sad. I want it to be all ok again. I keep worrying it's not going to be, like Damocles' Sword dangling over me and episodes like this remind me that I am still not 'ok'.
Why am I typing this? reassurance that this is going to all go away in time. Some sympathy and company as I lay here feeling sorry for myself. A chance to whinge and say woe is me. Hoping for a miracle.
I have to remind myself that the leg pain has mostly gone and think of the positives and how far I have come right? Why is that so hard?