Help me be more sympathetic towards dh and the Big Snip

[Moomin]

after two rotten pregnancies and being no spring chickens anymore we have decided to definitely stop at 2. Dh has always been very willing to have a vasectomy when the time came and we initially decided to wait until dd2 was at least a year old maybe more. but i've decided not to take the pill anymore and am really enjoying the freedom of having my body back to myself.

so we have recently talked about bringing the snip forward to the next few months and starting investigations. dh works in a hospital and one of his colleagues' dh performs vasectomies (in a different hospital!) and has offered to 'take care' of dh. i think this has made it suddenly very REAL to dh.

he gets skin reactions when he is stressed and i noticed some inflammation yesterday. he said the only reason he could think of it being there is thinking and worrying about the vasectomy. part of me feels sympathy for him and part of me thinks WTF!!! I've had two dreadful pregnancies: hyperemesis, SPD, placenta praevia, two c-sections; not to mention the fertility investigations, lap&dye, clomid, etc. And i've now got ever-lasting piles, a weak back and ongoing physio for constant pain from a ligament in my buttock that got screwed up having dd2!!!!!!!!!

[deep breaths]

i don't want to scare him off having it. i need to try and summon up some sympathy but it's really not a strong point for me. help me be more nice

BTW youngest of 4 was 3 months old when I was sterilised.

A friend of mine's DH was going for vasectomy. Once he was counselled and informed of the potential risks he changed his mind. My friend got a Mirena coil put in which is as effective as sterilisation and never looked back. Has very light periods and for her no side effects.

Mirena is hormonal though isn't it? So I certainly couldn't take it (all the females in my family- mother and both sisters- end up on anti depressants with even a sniff of pill type medication, plus we have the hypertension on both sides of the family, even my younger isters have it). The reason we'd go for vasectomy is simple: Dh definitely doesn't wanyt any more kids, whatever, after no 4. I am happy to agree with him, as he will have gone to four as a compromise for me anyhow. But if I lost him and remarried, then i'd also be willing to have another.

floating, I feel the same about Mears' post mainly because it is so didactic! Put your own experience by all means, but to 'not agree with men having vasectomies' is a bit sweeping I think!

Mears, when the sperm are clearing you use a condom, or pill, or coil, or cap, or all of them together so as not to get pregnant.....not a problem!!!!

The thing about a man possibly meeting another woman who wants a family if you die is valid but is something for individual couples to be trusted to work out for themselves.

Not heard the theory about premature ageing but of course it is just that, a theory.

As with so many things, it's each to their own in this situation.

Didn't go into it too much because I have spoken about it in depth on other threads. I remember very well a couple I came across where the man's wife had died of a brain haemorrhage. He had had a vasectomy but after his wife's death met another much younger woman. They married and fortunately he had a successful reversal of sterilisation,

Women have a natural end to fertility, men do not. If my DH died and I met a new man I would not have another baby as the risks would be too great (I am 45) and possibly I would have gone through the menopause so would have no choice (unless I wanted to engage assistance of Italian fertility specialist).

Im my job as a midwife, I have seen a number of couples where one of them has had a reversal of sterilisation due to meeting a new partner. We all think it couldn't happen but it is a reality. Unfortunately there are a huge number of couples where reversal has not worked. A very good friend of mine is an example of that. Her DH had a reversal which did not work. That is one of the reasons I do not support male sterilisation.

sparkle - in my situiation I got sterilised to stop me from having more babies. I was so broody I would have accidentally have fallen pregnant during sperm clearing time. I could not trust myself despite other methods of contraception.

I do think women tend to trivialise the risks of vasectomy because they think they have gone through enough themselves. I don't think men should be forced to take the so called easy option. I just wanted to emphasise that for me sterilisation was a breeze.

hormones are REALLY just not an option for me. i cringe to imagine what would happen to me if i tried progestin again - my god, i am literally scarred for life and the scarring extends to my chin as well. the worst was that my depression got SO much worse.

i don't agree w/how the copper coil works, either. condoms - we both hate them and they're so expensive.

don't really see what's left for us.

two GYNs i saw ruled out things like depo for me b/c of my hx of depression.

expat, I am seriously surprised at your health authority not giving your DH a vasectomy due to age and 'only' two children.

My DH had his at just over 30 and we have one child!

Can you get a second opinion? This is outrageous!

he's not even close to 30, sparkle.

oh well.

right now we're using abstinence.

but there's no 30 rule is there????

apparently there is here!

unless you pay privately, which we can't afford just now b/c i need to naturalise this year so we can hopefully get a damn mortgage next year.

oh, expat...what stupidity to put an age limit on it and how paternalistic is that! Nanny state or wot!!!

really feel for you. And good luck with the mortgage next year!!!!

If your DH wants to give our address and come dahn sahfff he could have it done

Expat - would you not be considered a candidate for sterilisation considering your history? It might be an idea to explore it more with a gynaecologist. It is a myth that periods are heavier after sterilisation. In your earlier post you said that 2 of your mums friends needed emergency hysterectomy after ectopic pregnancies - not sure why that would be. There is a very small risk of ectopic - the treatment of which would be removing the tube, not a hysterectomy. Sounds as though there is more to those stories than just sterilisation.

i might try a diaphragm, for in the meantime.

2+ years is a long time to go w/o.

i have a genetic condition that makes GA very dangerous for me - called idiopathic hyperthermia or summat like that - i have it on a card i carry on my person when i'm out in case i get into an accident.

and also, DH can't handle the kids during the time i'd need to recover from an op like that, and we've no family to help - mine are abroad and his parents are in poor health.

i dunno that it's a myth your periods don't get heavier after sterilisation - a poster on here had that happen to her.

a vasectomy is a much simpler procedure.

I work in a family planning centre, we don't have a strict over 30 rule, every case is judged individually - am very surprised somewhere has a blanket over 30 policy, seems harsh.

Fair enough Expat. Who told your DH it would not be considered before 30. Has he had an actual referral. I just think that in your circumstances, like Liath says, there should not be a blanket policy.

that's the best bit, liath. i went to the family planning clinic - more than once - and was told DH had to be referred from his GP surgery.

um, okay.

whatever.

we're not hyperfertile - took us 6 months to conceive each girl. might just go for a diaphragm to tide us over.

two of the male GPs in our practice, mears.

I take it from your previous post DH has not actually had referral to consultant. I would push for that TBH.

i used to go out w/a man who had one at 25 - BUT he had heritable, severe bipolar disorder and NEVER wanted to take the chance of passing that on.

That is really ridiculous.