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Original poster

my bl**dy dad, what am i to do

37 replies

nailpolish · 21/04/2006 14:42

dad was a first class pr*ck when i was little, poor mum had a nightmare life til she found balls and left him. he was ok with me (probably cos i left home at 16) but he was dreadful to my little brother, and i almost hate him for it (my dad)

he lives quite close to me, as does mum, but brother lives 2 hrs away

anyway

dad is becoming quite ill. he lives a very lonely life, i see him occassionaly (mainly because dd's like him a bit) but he still gets on my fuc*ing nerves (sorry). mum has these guilt pangs about leaving him so lonely, but its his own fault (bro shouts at me for saying that)

what am i to do? do i become the dutiful daughter and help him with his messages/housework?

he still works but is retiring soon. i dread this as he will just sit in his house all day alone and then go to the bowling club of an evening or weekend. or pester me by 'popping in' all the time

i think he realises what a shit he was and talks about the past quite a bit, says he is sorry etc. but its a bit late for that.

OP posts:
MerlinsBeard · 21/04/2006 14:48

why do u feel u should do anything for him?

If he was lonely he would go and make friends, not like he is in 24/7 anyway if he goes to the bowling club

sorry, i have issues with helping out w*nker parents just because they are apparently all alone in the world....er..theres a reason

MerlinsBeard · 21/04/2006 14:49

sorry, i shouldn't have posted that. issues with my own dads apparent lonliness so it hit a nerve

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 14:49

no im glad you posted

its exactly how i feel Sad

OP posts:
MerlinsBeard · 21/04/2006 14:51

If u feel u should do things for him then limit those things to when u would visit with ur DDs anyway. That way ur conscienced is clear and he has seen ur DDs too

robin3 · 21/04/2006 14:54

Dare I say my Dad was really crap but when he apologised I realised he meant it. We're not talking violence or abuse or anything though.

He's a top notch Grandpa now and I really enjoy his company.

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 14:56

i never go to his house, he always come round here (uninvited, cos if he waited to be invited i would never see him)

god im sitting here thinking about all the shit things he did

aarrgghh

there was one time my bro had a sales type job, travelling around demo-ing hoovers. he got back to the depot about midnight, and had no way of getting home. he phoned dad to say he had been working since 8, would dad please pick him up (he was 40 min drive/2-3 hr walk away) dad REFUSED and BANNED mum from going. bro had to walk in the pissing rain. it wasnt like he had been out clubbing or anything, he had been working his arse off!

mum sat in the lounge weeping til bro came home, who nearly lamped dad in the face. i will NEVER forgive him for that

OP posts:
moondog · 21/04/2006 14:58

Do the bare minimum.
No more.
If he moans,remind him why.
Good for your mum.

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:01

ie do bare minimum just now

ie nothing

he is off on mondays and turns up to play with dd's. i make his lunch. he goes home. he tries to have civil conversations but i just turn the hoover on.

OP posts:
moondog · 21/04/2006 15:03

Oh well,at least he keeps the kids occupied.
Maybe like Robin's dad,he realises where he went wrong.
View help with girls as some sort of payback.

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:07

yes thats true md, dd's seem to like him

although he is quite ferocious to them if they are naughty Sad

and he takes the mickey out of dd1, which makes me angry, and i tell him this. he just laughs (FUME)

OP posts:
moondog · 21/04/2006 15:11

Well you need to show him that in your house and with your family,what you say goes.
(Sounds like a bit of a bully tbh.)

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:15

he thinks he is a comedian.

dd1 (who is 3) was sitting with a little book, she wanted to 'read' it to me, through the pictures. it was a lovely moment.

dad was sitting nearby and he said "youve got the book upside down you wally" (she didnt) dd1 turned the book around, looked puzzled, turned it back the right way, got confused, starting crying and put the book away. dad laughed

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:16

im sorry for ranting and venting.

OP posts:
Blu · 21/04/2006 15:18

yes, he does sound like a bully.

IF he were to apologise to your brother and realise that he had been uncaring, would you feel differently?

He seems to be wanting to be treated in a much better way than he has ever treated anyone else.

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:21

mum once told me she had never heard dad utter the word "sorry"

NEVER

ive made dad cry quite a few times by telling him things he never knew, through anger

bro seems to have forgiven him, and they get on ok, but bro doesnt live nearby, maybe thats why? bro now "feels sorry" for him, and tells me this, and also tells me i should see him more, etc

OP posts:
Blu · 21/04/2006 15:22

he IS a bully - and many seem to think that their bullying is acceptable as a joke. (Who on MN has a FIL who was making racist comments all done up as jokes recently?).

I would do the bare minumum to make sure he has basic needs.

He has made his bed....

Blu · 21/04/2006 15:23

tbh, I would make your decision based on how YOU find him, not on behalf of your bro.

robin3 · 21/04/2006 15:23

Ok...not such a great Grandparent if he's insulting the kids. You don't want him chipping away at the kids self-esteem.

Could you have a set time each week/fortnight/month when you do an activity with him and the children, but under your supervision and if he says inappropriate things you should just say - please don't insult the children or whatever? Did he have a bad childhood? Sounds like he has no idea.

Greensleeves · 21/04/2006 15:24

My instinct says: stuff him. If he was unbearably lonely, as someone else said, he would get himself a social life. That really is his own responsibility - we've all been lonely, and the onus is on him to make himself amenable to others - family or otherwise - if he wants to be less lonely! You don't owe him a relationship, or one with your girls - he should earn it. If he behaves like a nuisance and upsets you or your daughters, after everything you've already put up with, I would tell him to sling his hook.

But then I am a hard-hearted old cow these days Grin

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:25

thank you blu Smile

i will do that

he never asks me for anything, what he does is go and see mum and moans and whimpers to her, declaring sorrow etc, and she gets guilty and then pours it out to me

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robin3 · 21/04/2006 15:29

I think this is about you....I'm not suggesting that you make an effort for him really. I know quite a lot of people who have been plagued with guilt once a parent has died, because they feel there were unresolved issues. It sounds to me as if you feel this already, even if he doesn't deserve any compassion at all.

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:32

you know, i could go on and tell you what a shite he was when i was growing up, how he never encouraged me at school, never said happy birthday or kissed me, never waved me off when i went to college, never ever bought mum a birthday or christmas card, didnt even give her a cuddle when gran died, just thought he was the family 'comedian' but no-one laughed.

but thats all in the past. even if i did forgive him for all that, he is still being a shit now.

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:34

robin, i am wracked with guilt. its all down to me to be there for him, what if he gets really ill (he has few health problems) and i am left to look after him? how can i look after him if i dont even like him?

OP posts:
robin3 · 21/04/2006 15:38

It's really hard...I still have a similar situation with my brother. Every time I see him he chips away at me in some way.

Does it help to have DH/DP around when he visits...I find this helps me with my brother because DP chats to him and doesn't take everything he says as personally as I do?

Original poster
nailpolish · 21/04/2006 15:41

yes i suppose it does help if dh is around, but dad always comes round on monday which is his day off work. and dh is never in on a monday, hes only off weekends.

so therefore dh is never here!

i try and get out of the house, go to the park or something, there is nothing worse than him mooching around my house, getting on my tits

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