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Original poster

my husband is an alcoholic

38 replies

whatshallido · 03/04/2006 08:44

There is not a lot else I can say.
He has always drunk a lot every single day throughout our marriage - 4 years. We are not getting on at the moment and I can't help but nag about the drink. He says I drive him to it. I know thats not the case as he was doing it long before we had any problems.
I just don't know what to do. I don't believe he will ever change but I just can't sit and watch him drink all evening and all weekend anymore. We have one DD of 2 years who adores him. He is never 'drunk' but his whole day revolves around his alcohol

OP posts:
Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 08:55

Should I leave him and try and rebuild my life? I do not want my daughter growing up thinking this is normal behaviour. Please help.....

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ernest · 03/04/2006 09:18

does he want to stop?

WideWebWitch · 03/04/2006 09:23

You can't stop an alcoholic being an alcoholic, only they can do it IF they want to. I suggest you contact \link{http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/\al anon}

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 09:25

No.He doesn't see that he has a problem. Says he drinks to de-stress. Every now and then he says he is going to try and do more exercise instead but it never happens. Or he goes for a swim then needs to drink when he gets home because he aches! And I just don't seem to be able to help him

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Uwila · 03/04/2006 09:48

I come from a long line of ramip alcoholism. All I can really say is get help for you. Al anon support groups can be a ver supportive and conforting place. It is very common to say the wife drove him to it. It is ofcourse complete nonsense. Never never never accept this blame.

Good luck.

My husband is not an alcoholic. My my father, grndfather, and both of my uncles were. My uncles have bothe been recovering alcoholics for many years. My dad escaped death by the skin of his teeth. And Grandpa died in part from complications of alcoholism/withdrawl. It is very sad place to be. But through al anon you can find happiness for yourself. Your husband must choose to join you (or not to). You can not make him do it.

anorak · 03/04/2006 09:52

I do feel for you. My mother was an alcoholic and I know how hard they are to live with. I'm sorry to say that the alcoholic is the only person who can decide to change, and unless they do you can't do a thing. I would also ignore all the excuses, they usually don't have any foundation.

As WWW says al anon is the organisation to contact. It's specifically for the families of alcoholics and will help you to understand the condition.

At the end of the day, he and only he can change this, and if he won't I would certainly not stay. It would all be sure to end in tears. However, it doesn't sound like you've reached that point yet and al anon might help you find a way to get through to him. Good luck.

anorak · 03/04/2006 09:53

Sorry I have repeated some of what Uwila said, posts crossed.

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 10:32

OK thanks for your posts. I will try al anon just a bit frightened of telling him as he says there is no problem. He will turn it back on me not supporting him. He says I blame everything on his drinking whereas I should address my own problems. But my problems of low self esteem and unhappiness stem from his drinking. Viscious circle.
I will contact them by email and see how we go. I don;t want to leave him but at the same time I am fed up of living like this its no life for me

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Uwila · 03/04/2006 10:44

You should probably expect a bad reaction from him. Alcoholics (especially those still denying teir problem) generally do not want their enablers to get help. He will want to go on as he is and be supported in his drinking. That's why he blames it on you (which is rediculous but it's seems perfectly logical to an alcoholic). But, go on go to alanon. Do it for you. Don't do it because you think you will go and learn how to come back and fix him. You can't fix him. But, you can find happiness for yourself.

Good luck! Let us know how you get on.

hatandfakebeard · 03/04/2006 10:59

Whatshallido, i really feel for you. My exp was a heroin addict. He hid it from me for about 18 months and when I found out agreed to stop and go for counselling. our ds was 2 at the time. I loved him and he adored our ds but i knew deep inside me that this wasn't the right environment to raise a child in. In the end I would turn up fot the counselling and he wouldn't. I spent a whole evening once talking with one of the counsellors and he made me realise that no matter how much i wished the circumstances were different unless dp wanted to accept help and stop i couldn't change him. That evening changed my life. i left dp for good, found a new job, gave my ds the attention he needed, amazed myself how strong i could be. i'm not saying it was all plain sailing, i left my house, possesions, everything behind but i am saying you can build a life on your own you just can't force someone to be what you want them to be

Uwila · 03/04/2006 11:08

Wow, hatandfakebread, I am truly impressed. That must have been very hard. Did he ever get help? How long has it been?

hatandfakebeard · 03/04/2006 11:13

This was seven years ago. Its taken him til about 5 years ago to be clean but the doubt is always there. He drinks now instead! He is still unreliable and has sporadic contact with DS. I do worry about how i'm going to explain it all to him when he's older. Just hope he understands that I wanted so much more for him than we would have had with his father.

hatandfakebeard · 03/04/2006 11:40

sorry, should be taken him 5 years to get clean, guess that what comes from typing and holding baby at same time!

noddyholder · 03/04/2006 11:51

He really needs to be ready for treatment to work and the push to get help needs to come from him.Having said that it is possible to have a great life without alcohol,my dp did it with support and AA and hasn't touched a drop in 13+years,his life is transformed but it took him years before he recognised that he needed to do something and all the attempts he made which were at others suggestion(friends girlfriends etc)all failed

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 12:00

Yes he doesn't want to stop or change. I have been trying for years and have just realised that I am getting so depressed in the process that I am wasting my life too. I can't change him but I can change my own life

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noddyholder · 03/04/2006 12:03

Then that is what you need to do.Tell him you are planning to make changes to your life and that may make him look at his own but this can take time.Al Anon may help you with practical ways to deal with things and how to stop making it easy for him to live this way.He is probably very unhappy but terrified to lose his one crutch Tell him you will support him when the time comes but you won't support his drinking anymore

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 12:12

OK thanks.Its great to have some support. And to be open and honest. I ahve never told anyone and I keep making excuses for him all the time so people don't find out but I am fed up of it now. It has messed up so much of my life already - I desperately wanted another child but didn't dare while he was drinking so much, and now because of it we sleep in separate rooms anyway so its not gonna happen. I can't quite forgive him for this. My DD will be an only child because of his selfishness. He misses intimacy but not enough to stop drinking for. I am going to confide in my family too I think. I wanted to keep it quiet so they don't think badly of him but I think its too much for me to handle on my own now

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noddyholder · 03/04/2006 12:16

All the time you keep it a secret and adapt your life to suit his drinking you are making it easy for him.Why would he stop?You have foregone another child because of this and that is serious Seek help for yourself and expect a few rough times.If you want to CAT me go ahead I have seen this before and understand what you are feeling

Earlybird · 03/04/2006 12:22

IME, if you let it roll on indefinitely without doing anything, it will get worse. Also your ability to tolerate will deteriorate significantly as you become more and more aware of the sacrifices you'll be forced to make as a result of his behaviour.

It's a hugely hard situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're faced with these difficult choices.

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 12:34

Oh thanks. I just can't believe I'm in this situation. I am sobbing as I write this. I am so stupid to have carried on for so long. I have just come to the end now and can't cope anymore. I bring it up time and time again and he throws it back as being my problems that cause all our issues.
I can't get onto al-anon site at the mo but will keep trying then I will definitely try and go to the sessions. But I think I have to break away from him. I don't want to leave but its gone too far now and I know in my heart he won't change because he doesn't want to.

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noddyholder · 03/04/2006 12:46

I am so sorry you are in this situation but it will improve with time.Where do you live roughly?Do you have support.Try to stay calm and just tell him your plans Don't rant and rave cry etc(v difficult)as addicts are prize manipulators and will always turn things around Try to think about the life you want regardless of him and then think about how you get it.If he wishes to be a part of that he will change.You deserve better with or without him

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 13:05

The trouble is I have ranted and raved and cried and begged, made threats and done everything so many times before. He just says "here she goes again". I have tried writing letters so he reads it calmly but nothing has worked and not sure which tack to take now. I just know I have come to the end and am not prepared to live like this anymore. Whenever I have tried to be firm before he has sent me to the psychiatrist as he honestly believes I have problems. He says I have low self esteem because I want to change him all the time. I do have low self esteem its true but living with ann alcoholic doesn't help. I am going to my sisters for a few days next week as I just can't bear being here anymore. I live South East by the way

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noddyholder · 03/04/2006 13:07

You poor thing I think you need to leave /or him leave even temporarily.I left dp when I was 5 months pregnant but thats another story.I am also in the SE if you need to talk It is hard but you will get there and your daughter deserves a happy mum xxx

Original poster
whatshallido · 03/04/2006 13:27

I wish I had left when I was pregnant too.......but I spend my time with 'if onlys' and 'i wish' and its a waste of time. Finally I want to do something positive. I am terrified of leaving but I can't spend another 5 years like this. Thank you so much for listening and replying and being there. You must know how much it means. Thank you x

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noddyholder · 03/04/2006 13:28

I left him but we were back together and stronger than ever before ds was born It can be donexxxx