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Original poster

my husband is an alcoholic

38 replies

whatshallido · 03/04/2006 08:44

There is not a lot else I can say.
He has always drunk a lot every single day throughout our marriage - 4 years. We are not getting on at the moment and I can't help but nag about the drink. He says I drive him to it. I know thats not the case as he was doing it long before we had any problems.
I just don't know what to do. I don't believe he will ever change but I just can't sit and watch him drink all evening and all weekend anymore. We have one DD of 2 years who adores him. He is never 'drunk' but his whole day revolves around his alcohol

OP posts:

Original poster

whatshallido · 03/04/2006 14:11

Oh wow. Well done. GLad it worked out well for you. I just don't know what to do now. We are barely speaking at the moment because I have just had enough and can't even pretend to be friendly and supportive. He feels totally abandoned so drinks even more. I don't know whether to just go away for a few days and leave a note. Or really whether that would make any difference from before. He will track me down and turn it round to me being bitter twisted and unstable. I think I have to confide in my family don't i, much as it pains me to do so

OP posts:

Original poster

whatshallido · 03/04/2006 14:27

I can't get on the al anon website. I have looked on it before and I am now wondering if DH has blocked it for me?
Found a smaller site and it sounds very religious - the twelve steps are all to do with god. Not sure I can cope with that kind of thing at the moment

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noddyholder · 03/04/2006 14:51

The 12 steps aren't really all about God They can be adapted We are certainly not god types at all!They refer to a higher power which is different for everyone and is indeed God for some people but can be anything that means something to you

Uwila · 03/04/2006 15:07

Yes, you can choose a pet rock to be your higher power if you like. It's really about admitting you are powerless. It will take some time just to get the forst step down. It is easy to say. But takes a lot of work to really accept it.

Original poster

whatshallido · 03/04/2006 15:15

And its for me. Not for him right?
But in all honesty is it just easier for me to walk away? I am happy to go along to any of these meetings but at the end of the day if I can't change him all I am learning to do is live with an alcoholic. I could cope if that was just me but not for my daughter. Also I think I deserve a bit more of a life than watching him drink every day.

OP posts:

Uwila · 03/04/2006 15:22

They are most certainly not going to teach you how to live with an alcoholic. But they might help you learn how to live without one.

Can I ask, do you caome from a family with alcoholism? I just ask because usually people with alcoholics grow up to marry alcoholics. I don't know why. Familiar behaviours, perhaps?

Original poster

whatshallido · 03/04/2006 15:29

No not at all. Complete opposite in fact, my parents rarely drink. I didn't know the extent of it when I married him. Didn't live together first. BIG mistake.

OP posts:

wabbitintheheadlamps · 03/04/2006 16:12

Hi just read this thread v. quickly - WhatshallIdo, So sorry to read what you're going through, I left an alcoholic partner of 9 years and know that instead of regretting all the years of nonsense arguments, fights, epileptic fits, dashed hopes, false promises and detox programmes - I feel I did everything I could to help him return to being the lovely young man I fell in love with and though it didn't work, no-one could have done more.

Sometimes it becomes suddenly obvious that you've become an enabler for your partners drinking instead of being a reason for them not to...

I wouldn't have been able to leave if I hadn't had my family's support, confidence and love - telling your family and perhaps your very closest friends is the very best thing you can do right now... you need them to know what you're coping with whether you decide to stay or make a break...

warmest of wishes to you xxx

Jennypog · 03/04/2006 17:02

My dad is an alcoholic. My mum has put up with him for years and years. I can honestly say that his alcoholism has ruined her life. If you can't get him to give up the booze, then you will probably have to give him up. My dad was always a drinker, but in later years he has become absolutely vile. I wouldn't wish someone like him on anyone, he has divided our family and made my mum's life hell. We both got married abroad because the thought of having him at my wedding filled me with horror. Your hubby needs help, but until he recognises that he has a problem there is not much you can do. Don't let him blight your daughter's life. I have seen enough of alcoholism to know that I wouldn't touch with 4 barge poles.

hatandfakebeard · 03/04/2006 17:19

Whatshallido, i think in your heart you know what you need to do. Tell your family and let them support you because it won't be easy but for your own welbeing it will be in the long run. Allow yourself to be angry at you DH, I can remember feeling like DP had tainted my memories of the first 2 years of DS's life and being so annoyed with him. I know this doesn't help at th moment but I too thought DS would be an only child and he now has a brother and sister. Persevere with AlAnon, even if the religion seems ofputting, you need the help and support if people who understand this situation and won't make any judgements about you. Stay strong, you can do this

Uwila · 05/04/2006 09:06

How are you? Have you found an al anon group? Did you tell your husband about it? HAve you been?

Update, please.

madchad · 05/04/2006 15:06

Our local social services ran a free evening course (about 6 weeks I think)for relatives /friends of those with alcohol dependancy.
I went on this (sister an alcoholic) and it really changed how I felt about myself, which was the key to coping with a seemimgly endless situation. You may not be able to change what is happening around you at first, but you can change how you feel about it.
It also really helped to hear other people's stories-you are not alone.

bobby2 · 07/09/2006 22:54

If there is any chance of continuing this conversation... your life sounds like mine, I am an enabler, can't get out to meetings cos of young ones please tell me what happened and any help is welcome.

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