I know I need help but am sorry to bother people at this time of year (sorry very long)

[iwanttostop]

Hi, I have posted here on Mumsnet before but only a few times and only ever looking for advice on my baby. I have read on here how supportive you all are too each other and how much this has helped the people who needed friends. That is why I hope no-one minds me saying what I have to say, even though I really don't 'speak' to anyone on here.

I hate having to write this as it is such a happy time of year and I feel that its such a horrid thing but I really need to do it as I think even if one person responds to me it will help me.

Basically I used to self-harm myself very badly when I was younger (from about 13-17), I have a very low opinion of myself which I know is because I was sexual abused by my grandfather when I was very small, I can remember it when I was around 2 but I think it may have started earlier. It stoped when I was about 7 or 8. I have never dealt with the abuse as somehow I managed to totally block it from my mind, but obviously through my self-harming I didn#t really suceed. I stoped self-harming when I met my partner (I am now 32) but when I became pregnant lots of the old issues resurfaced, I was so scared that I might hurt my baby. I know now that I would never ever do that but throughout my pregnancy it was a very valid fear. Then about 4 months ago I cut myself again, I know i did it because I feel so bad and horrid about myself and even though it sounds really awful if you self-harm it makes you feel so much better, because then you have real tangible pain. It sounds strange but even though I was so disappointed that I did it again (the first time in 13years) I managed to not do it to the compulsive way i used too. I have this thing where I can't just cut once, but I can't do it in even numbers so I have to do it 3,5,7 times then I have to then do it on the opposite arm/leg the same amount of times. But the last time I managed only to do it 3 times on only 1 leg. After the initial good feeling of cutting has gone I feel very, very low but as my partner noticed the scars I had to talk to him, I knew I didn't want to start doing it all over again so I went to see a counseler (sp?) to try and understand my abuse. I only went once, the issues and feelings it brought up were unbearable for me, of course I expect it would get easier but I just couldn't do it.

I'm so sorry this is so long, I am so upset writing this but I really feel I need to. Anyway 2 weeks ago I nearly did it again but my partner woke up and managed to stop me before I cut. I wonder if anyone on here has been abused and managed to deal with it without counselling or whether if they got counselling is the mental abuse of it worth it? Also does or has anyone else self-harmed and if so are you ever rid of it? I understand if no-one can help me here as probably if anyone has been in a similar situation wouldn't want to discuss it here but I really want to move on, I need to move on for myself, my partner but mostly for my baby.

Sorry

I, like you, was sexually abused from a young age by a close family member. It spanned from around 3 - 10 years old. I used to self-harm too. For me it was my way of dealing with it, though at the time I refused to accept that there was any connection between my past and the self-harm. I felt exactly the same as you , you are not alone.

I would urge you to speak to a counsellor trained in this sort of problem. That's what I did. It hasn't 'cured' me (though I don't SH anymore), but it has allowed me to see things more clearly and deal with my self-disgust and guilt (arising from abuse). I went via my GP but if you don't feel comfortable doing that then I would telephone one of the many confidential help-lines who will be able to give you the details of an experienced professional in your area who can help.

Hugs and luck
xxxx

You should feel proud of yourself for starting on the first step to recovery which is of course admitting that a problem exists.
I'm afraid I can't be of too much use to you apart from to offer lots of encouragement.
From what I understand counselling can often cause lots of additional feelings but normally you will work through them so it is supposed to get easier eventually.

Here are a couple of useful numbers....

Adult & Child Abuse Helpline - 0800 919 300

Independent Care After Incest & Rape (ICAIR) - 0121 449 9097 (weekdays 11am-5pm)

Thank you so much for replying so quickly, I really, really appreciate it.
I did go to my GP who refered me to the counsellor but the one session I went to I found so unbearable. I imagine you felt the same way, but I just don't know if I can handle going on with it but from reading your post it has given me hope that if I can continue the counselling then maybe these feelings will abait.
Thank you so much

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Unfortunately the first few session are incredibly harrowing as you have to almost 'relive' the situation. This is absolutely necessary as your therapist has no information regarding your abusive background unless you give it to him/her. Things do improve with time as you start to work through the pain, but it will take strength, patience and courage. You've come this far...

Thank you all so much, I think that before I wrote this I knew I would need to go back and having read sameboats message its given me added incentive and courage to continue the counselling.

No-one in my family knows what happened or that I sh, only my partner who is very supportive but I think he feels useless in not being able to take my pain away.

Thank you for the telephone numbers, I will ring after the New Year. My New Years resolution is to finally try and fix this and stop hating myself.

I can't explain how much better you have all made me feel, thank you

hi have you seen the thread about having internals in labour that i started a while back. AT least i never had to put up with it as a child or for as long as you did but i was raped a few years back and got pregnant and had a baby adopted as a result. havent had any form of counselling but just wanted to sympathisise. i cant say i know how you feel because my case was different and everyone reacts differently but your post made me cry. i really feel for you

Oh milkybarkid how awful for you, thank you for having the courage to post your message, you also made me cry.

This sounds awful in the sense that i would never wish horrid things to happen to other people but it gives me strength to know that there are other people out there who have enduered (sp?) awful things but are still managing to live their lives.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through with the pregnancy and the resulting emotional turmoil you must have had. You are very brave.

hugs

i have never been in this situation but imagine it can't be easy for you.

but well done for finally writing your feeling and emotions downs - ikonw there will be some mumsnetter out there that will help u (always seem to be someone angel lurking around)

however i do wish u the best of luck as i'm sure posting this thread was a big step for you nad i just wanted to offer my support

It had happened to me when I was a young child but the problem didn't hit me until I was a teenager when I finally understood what had happened. It was an awful time when I thought I was worthless and was very afraid that because of it I couldn't become a good partner or a good mother. However, I believe this things have helped me to focus in what I want and don't want for my baby and so far I believe I have not done either work badly.

I did not go to a counselor but had a lot of help from a support group. From time to time ghosts come back but I try to ignore them as much as I can. I think that a counsellor can really help you to put the things in perspective and make you understand it was not your fault but the fault of the degenerated s**o&8B.. you had as grandfather, whatever he had done to youin the past , you should not allow him to ruin your relationship with your child, your life is not ruined, everyday is a new oportunity for a clean start

Sorry no experience of this, just wanted to say how brave you all are and sorry that this has happened to you, you just have to remember that it's not your fault. xx

You are so very, very brave to do what you are doing - accepting there is a problem and trying to find a solution. Your post made me cry too. I can only say what others have said - counselling is the way out. And if you find a counsellor and you don't click, don't give up, try someone else. Just because it doesn't work out with one person (or one session), doesn't mean it will never work.

It is scary and horrible to confront your abuse. But the abuse is like a big pile of shit right in front of you. You can turn your head away or close your eyes or pretend you can't see it, but you can still smell it and you always know its there. The only way to get away from it is to go right through it. It is really hard, vile, disgusting and days will feel like you're drowning in it, but eventually, if you keep wading through you WILL come out the other side. I can't promise that you won't still have a bit on your shoes or a faint wiff occasionally but most importantly, it will be BEHIND you and as the years pass, further and further away.
I hope things work out for you iwanttostop, sending you all my love.

Again thank you all so much, I am crying reading all your messages. I've never told anyone less my partner and in the one session with a counsellor I had, but being able to write it down here and get support and encouragement has made me feel so much better in myself than I have done in so many years.

I will go back in the New Year, I want and need too and hopefully as you say Cha I will only get a slight whiff now and again rather than the stench of worthlessness I now have.

And I especially want to say thank you to sameboat, yournotalone and milkybarkid for having the strenght to tell me what you did. It has given me so much more determination to sort this out.

I truely appreciate you all, i feel humbled that you all took the time to answer me and you have all given me the courage to try and move on.

Thank you

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Thank you robinw, it really does mean so much to me that everyone has written such kind words.

I had a long chat with dp last night and I'm going to phone the counsellor again after New Year. I now understand it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't be ashamed or disgusted at myself for something that was done too me without my consent.

Again, thank you

I'm so pleased that you have the support of your DP, you will need it in the coming months. What you said in the paragraph below says it all, well done you !

Love & Hugs
WSM
(aka SameBoat)

hi

Hi Iwanttostop, I'm a very regular poster here hence the name change. I self-harmed for years following a history of abuse (not family members but just about everyone else). My SH escalated in my 20s when I was in a vey unhappy marriage. I was desperately alone, full of anger and in a great deal of pain. Cutting myself took the inner pain away. I used to cut my arms and thighs. This freaked out my close friends (I tried to explain it to my closest friends and family), they just couldnt understand why I chose to cut myself and their failure to understand just added to my feelings that I was a freak and a misfit (contrary to the outer me, a successful career woman, confident and extrovert). It was a terrible few years and escalated horribly, I was admitted into hospital on a trip to USA, I was referred to a Harley St psychiatrist, prescibed medication etc. It was a terrible and very frightening time. I so badly sympathise with you. I have been in that hell BUT I have come back. For me, things changed when I met dh and started to feel more secure, then I was able to rebuild my very fragile self-esteem. Then I got pregnant with my darling son and have continued to get on with building a happy life. I no longer hate myself, actually I think I am quite nice really. I have no desire to self-harm any more. Well, that's my story, it has a happy ending. Please contact me through the Contact another... if you want to talk more. I am very happy to help in any way I can. xx

You must get help. I self harmed as a teenager suffering from depression. I stopped when I got pregnant and while I have been tempted a couple of times since, I haven't done it. When I do have a bad day it gets to a very black depression very quickly - my mood is rarely grey, just black or white. And my first reaction is to sh. So far I have resisted.

I really hope you find a way through this. I'm not sure really what changed for me. I was starting to recover from the depression already, and when I got pg, and I guess that made the differnce.

You have the support of your partner, and that must be a big help. Try and let him in, let him help you. And I do think you need counselling. It will get better. Keep posting, keep talking - do whatever it takes. You can get through this (((hugs)))

I have no experience of this but just want to wish you all the luck in the world, I can hear that you are frightened but you have taken such a giant step already - and the hardest step
Best of luck

Again thank you so much, i am trying hard not to cry reading your posts.

Whizzy and stupidgirl thank you for sharing your experiences with me, you both also have had hard times and i understand the pain you felt, but it makes me feel better to know that i do have the ability to ease these feelings. Your courage has given me so much strenght.

As I said before I didnt sh in nearly 13 years but the birth of my beautiful dd although she brings me so much happiness brought back a lot of anger as to how someone could hurt such a precious thing as a child.

I am lucky that I have a very good circle of friends whom I love very much but I could never tell them what happened or what I used to do as I would hate for them to feel sorry for me, and as you said whizzy unless you sh it is a very hard thing for 'normal' people to understand. Thats why writing it down here to in effect strangers has been so good for me. I just hope that I haven't brought any old feelings back for any of you who used to sh and have replied to me.

One of the main reasons I am reluctant to go back to the counselling is that I am sure my grandfather also abused my mother (she has never directly said but one druken night she admited that she knew my gf 'liked young girls' ). This is primarily the hardest thing for me because if she knew why would she have put me in a position where i could have gotten hurt? but saying that I know discussing this with a counsellor will help me to understand.

I want to fix this as I do not want my baby to grow up with any self-conscience issues, I want her to be secure and happy in herself, I do not wnat for my pain to be passed indirectly to her.

I'm sorry this is so long again, but honestly, honestly your words are helping me so much, I already am determind to go through the counselling however hard and whatever it brings up.

And whizzy if it was really ok I would like to speak to you after the holidays, I thank you so much for the offer as I'm sure it cannot be easy for you to have to go back over your pain.

Message withdrawn

Thank you Twinkie for your words, they have added to my determination to finally face my demons. It is good for me to read what 'happens' when you go through counselling and through yours and the other messages on here it has given me the courage to continue. My baby and my partner are the main reasons I want to have some closure on this, I do not want to pass on any of my insecurities to my daughter but I also know I have to do this for myself.

I am so glad I posted my original message as I am now looking forward to the Hogmanay celebrations tonight (even though it is just me, my lovely boyfriend and my daughter). Once my baby is in bed i'm going to have a lovely long bath, do my hair and make-up for once and put on the outfit I bought that i wanted but would never think I would have the courage to wear. I find it hard to think that I may actually look pretty but tonight, for the first time in a long time I want to look pretty, for the first time in a long time I want to be able to accept compliments from my dp.

I would also like to pass on thanks from my dp to all of you, i've told him what you have all said and how much you have shared and how much it has helped and he is very, very glad that you have done this for me.

So, thank you again and Happy Hogmanay

iwanttostop, you sound like you have a very supportive partner and I am sure if you carry on with the counselling you will get the help you need and come through this. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mother. Wishing you a very happy and healthy new year
xx