I know I need help but am sorry to bother people at this time of year (sorry very long)

[iwanttostop]

Hi, I have posted here on Mumsnet before but only a few times and only ever looking for advice on my baby. I have read on here how supportive you all are too each other and how much this has helped the people who needed friends. That is why I hope no-one minds me saying what I have to say, even though I really don't 'speak' to anyone on here.

I hate having to write this as it is such a happy time of year and I feel that its such a horrid thing but I really need to do it as I think even if one person responds to me it will help me.

Basically I used to self-harm myself very badly when I was younger (from about 13-17), I have a very low opinion of myself which I know is because I was sexual abused by my grandfather when I was very small, I can remember it when I was around 2 but I think it may have started earlier. It stoped when I was about 7 or 8. I have never dealt with the abuse as somehow I managed to totally block it from my mind, but obviously through my self-harming I didn#t really suceed. I stoped self-harming when I met my partner (I am now 32) but when I became pregnant lots of the old issues resurfaced, I was so scared that I might hurt my baby. I know now that I would never ever do that but throughout my pregnancy it was a very valid fear. Then about 4 months ago I cut myself again, I know i did it because I feel so bad and horrid about myself and even though it sounds really awful if you self-harm it makes you feel so much better, because then you have real tangible pain. It sounds strange but even though I was so disappointed that I did it again (the first time in 13years) I managed to not do it to the compulsive way i used too. I have this thing where I can't just cut once, but I can't do it in even numbers so I have to do it 3,5,7 times then I have to then do it on the opposite arm/leg the same amount of times. But the last time I managed only to do it 3 times on only 1 leg. After the initial good feeling of cutting has gone I feel very, very low but as my partner noticed the scars I had to talk to him, I knew I didn't want to start doing it all over again so I went to see a counseler (sp?) to try and understand my abuse. I only went once, the issues and feelings it brought up were unbearable for me, of course I expect it would get easier but I just couldn't do it.

I'm so sorry this is so long, I am so upset writing this but I really feel I need to. Anyway 2 weeks ago I nearly did it again but my partner woke up and managed to stop me before I cut. I wonder if anyone on here has been abused and managed to deal with it without counselling or whether if they got counselling is the mental abuse of it worth it? Also does or has anyone else self-harmed and if so are you ever rid of it? I understand if no-one can help me here as probably if anyone has been in a similar situation wouldn't want to discuss it here but I really want to move on, I need to move on for myself, my partner but mostly for my baby.

Sorry

Thank you KaySleighBells, as i said on my previous post i actually feel good about myself tonight.

I don't think any of you could ever understand how much your responses have helped and how much I appreciate others sharing things which must have been and still are incredibly hard to deal with but it means so, so much to me.

I am so grateful to you all, and when my daughter (hopefully) grows up to be secure in herself I will be even more grateful.

I think you are all wonderful women, and if you stayed in Scotland i'd send my dark haired, dark eyed dp along your door at the stroke of 12 with a lump of coal for luck (and maybe a wee bottle of whiskey too!)

Have a lovely evening tonight iwanttostop.

Hope you have a great night tonight IWTS. May 2004 bring you everything you wish for. xxx

IWTS-look good, feel beautiful., go and put that dress on and look in the mirror. Don't turn away, look hard and you will see the beautiful woman in the glass and also the child in you that was hurt and is coming out now for you to love and heal, just as you obviously love your little one so much!.You sound like you have a wonderful dp and a beautiful daughter. Nothing that happened is your fault and you must be one incredibly brave woman to post on here, feeling as you did. I know that all the mumsnetters will have helped you and just think, New Year, new start. It might take time, a long time, but you'll get there. You've made that scary first move, now nothing can stop you. Think positive-you have two people that love you so much (some people don't have anyone) and with such a strong family unit (and mumsnetters) you can REALLY DO IT!
I wish you health and most of all happiness for you and your family this new year.XXX

Was just having a quick cigarette in our study (sorry i know, i stoped when i was pregnant but soon started again but i never ever smoke around my baby)and i wanted to say you made me cry happy tears Jollymum. Thank you, thnak you all.

Hello, I often wondered when this taboo subject would rear it's ugly head on Mumsnet. I used to self-harm, briefly in my teens but escalating in my twenties when I became very, very promiscuous. I saw a range of therapists from the age of 24 to 31. The first one encouraged me to hit a pillow with a baseball bat, I felt like a bit of a tit and didnt go back to her. Then, several years later I saw a psychotherapist but I gave up after a few sessions, I'm afraid she got on my nerves and I was getting nowhere with her. Then I was referred to a psychiatrist, this was a terrifying experience, I felt a complete fruitcake. He mentioned electric shock treatment (I was depressed, had an eating disorder and was having panic attacks aswell as the sh) as a possible treatment and the thought of that nearly finished me off completely. Anyway ... he referred me to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and this is where I finally found help. It took a year of seeing him (not NHS I'm afraid) before I got my life back. The point I wanted to make to you is that there are different kinds of therapy and different types of help, sometimes you have to try out a few before you find one that helps.

I understand where my eating disorder, sh, depression and promiscuity all come from now and I no longer carry that dreadful self-loathing that makes you hurt yourself. It was a bloody hard journey but I have come so far and it was all so worth it. Pease, please, see your gp and get a referral to someone who can help.

I dont think the feelings ever go away completely. The closest I have come to self-harming since my therapy was recently after a miscarriage. It was my second miscarraige and I felt I was to blame, that my body was doing something to stop my babies growing. The self-hate started coming back and there were some dark times when I thought about cutting myself but I was able to control these urges till they went away.

Well, that's my story. I hope it gives you a little hope that it is possible to overcome self-harm. For me the key was finding the right kind of proefesional help.