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Original poster

How can I make my stubborn DH go to doctors?

40 replies

klaxon · 15/05/2012 11:26

DH has had night sweats now for about two years, he looks dreadful and for the last six weeks has had diarrhea several times a day. He won't talk about it but he's obviously uncomfortable. There's a few other health concerns but he refuses to go to the GP, claims 'it's a bug and I'm getting over it' but he looks ill. He is pale, devoid of energy and just looks sick.

We have two young children. :(

I'm torn between being furious and being madly upset. I don't know what to do. I'm actively avoiding him at the minute. This sounds really selfish but he's sweating so much at nights I don't want to sleep next to him and the sheets really stink the next morning. So I'm having to change them daily.

How can I convince him to go to the doctors. BTW he's of the belief that a bottle of wine is 'fine for people like him', living on a shit diet of meat and potatoes is just dandy 'some people are actually allergic to vegetables you know' and basically does no exercise.

It's not sounding good is it? :(

Any ideas? I've tried making his mum talk to him (but can't tell her the full story without him getting really angry with me and also she's quite frail too so I don't want to stress her too much).

I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

bruxeur · 15/05/2012 11:28

If he's had weight loss, as well as the change in bowel habit and night sweats (and meat heavy diet) then he needs a colonoscopy to rule out bowel cancer. Pretty soon.

bruxeur · 15/05/2012 11:29

Try telling him that.

Bluebell99 · 15/05/2012 11:33

his symptoms do sound quite worrying. Why won't he go to the doctor? It may be nothing but sounds like it needs checking out.

Original poster

klaxon · 15/05/2012 11:33

I have. :(

I think he knows he's sick and he's ignoring it.

OP posts:

doradoo · 15/05/2012 11:34

Can you make the appointment for him and take him - perhaps he just needs it all to be done for him?

bruxeur · 15/05/2012 11:35

Recruit the kids? Horribly manipulative but better than no dad.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/05/2012 11:37

Can you put his symptoms into The NHS symptom checker and see if that comes up with anything?

Just to balance things out a bit - DP gets like this when his diet is particularly terrible (talking pizza, chinese, pepperoni's, cheese and crisps - nothing green and not enough fluids either) and he gets these awful night sweats. He HAS been to the GP though (after a LOT of nagging on my part - it's taken me 2 years to finally get him to go) and blood tests all came back OK.

ameliagrey · 15/05/2012 11:46

I think that the night sweats and so are a good sign re. bowel cancer- most people feel fine until they have bleeding and then odd bowel habits.

Sounds more like a virus and a stomach bug that will respond to anti biotics.
has he been overseas recently?

Obviously other issues like poor diet and no exercise need sorting.

I don't think you can force him to go to the drs. It has to be his decision.

Original poster

klaxon · 15/05/2012 12:06

bruxeur - the eldest is five and I'm not sure she's up to manipulation yet (but is working on it ).

He's not been anywhere Jareth. There is little chance of him taking up exercise and a healthy diet at his age (he's nearly 60). :(

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/05/2012 12:09

I think you need to emotionally manipulate him if nothing else works... Just cry - A lot .
Tell him how much you and the kids need and live him and that if he lived you too he would go to the doctors. Also just book him an appt and drive him there

Chubfuddler · 15/05/2012 12:09

Ask him if he's got life insurance sorted, because if he's going to play fast and loose with his own health he can at least see you right.

Sorry to be brutal. I cannot understand people who hide from worrying health symptoms (clearly because they're scared of the big C). If there's something wrong going to the doctor isn't going to make it be cancer when it's just a bug. He'll just know which it is.

bruxeur · 15/05/2012 12:11

Christ, he's right in the demographic for it too.

Systemic symptoms are often the first to appear, ameliagrey - but usually only recognised as such post-diagnosis.

Original poster

klaxon · 15/05/2012 12:13

I have tried crying. But he is a stubborn git frankly

I'm going to end up shouting at him soon.

OP posts:

ameliagrey · 15/05/2012 12:25

60 is not too old at all to make changes.

But he has to want to.

hippoCritt · 15/05/2012 12:33

If you make an appointment with GP and if he won't go then you go and tell GP his symptoms, ask him to ring/call round. He may need someone else to tell him actually this needs checking out. Or you could write to GP thats what my MIL did.How very frustrating and worrying for you.

fedupandtired · 15/05/2012 13:28

Night sweats are a massive indicator for several types of cancer. My mum had then, was diagnosed with secondary lung cancer in Dec last year and died in Jan. I'm not trying to scare you but hopefully knowing that will scare your DH.

Equally could be nothing serious but it needs checking out.

Original poster

klaxon · 15/05/2012 15:41

I know fedupandtired - ironically so does he having had several close relatives dying of the big C.

I have had a shout and had a talk to him and he's still not budging but he now at least knows he's being an arse. I'm going to leave it till tomorrow and then try again. Contacting his GP might work, but I know him, he'll say 'oh it's nothing' when questioned.

OP posts:

Original poster

klaxon · 15/05/2012 15:42

Thank you btw everyone for responding, it does help. He says I'm being hysterical and nagging.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 15/05/2012 16:05

Ask him what advice he would be giving you if the roles were reversed. Ask him if he would think it responsible of you, as a mother, to take a chance with your health and ignore these symptoms.
Ask him to be honest with you - would he want you to see a gp?

ithaka · 15/05/2012 16:14

I do feel for you - my DH is stubborn and a doctor refuser too. Both his father and uncle dropped dead of heart attacks in their early 60s, but he refused to get his cholestral and blood pressure checked.

He had a wake up call at his uncle's funeral, when he saw the state of his widow. I just turned and said 'how can you even think of doing that to me?'.

Another thing that helped is I got my stepdad to make an appointment for both of them as 'he wanted to get checked over too' and they went together - kind of a 'man' thing.

It sounds crazy having to manipulate in this way, but some people can be so stubborn and if you love them you will try anything to get them to look after themselves.

amillionyears · 16/05/2012 22:07

google,"how to get a man to go to the doctor"
there are about three websites on there with ideas, some of which you may not have tried yet
good luck

MummyDoIt · 16/05/2012 22:14

Tell him what happened to my DH. He had acid reflux for years but refused to go to the GP. Then he started losing weight and still refused to go. Then he had trouble swallowing. Finally, I made the appointment for him when he had a day off work. It turned out he had oesophageal cancer which was advanced and had spread to his liver. He died four years ago, leaving me and our two sons who were 4 and 5 at the time. If he'd gone to the doctor earlier, it might have been caught earlier or even prevented.

Tell him from me not to be such a selfish arse and to get himself to his GP.

verytellytubby · 16/05/2012 23:01

He's got a 5 year old and he's refusing to go to the dr. I can't believe how fucking selfish he is.

verytellytubby · 16/05/2012 23:02

Mummy dolt I'm so sorry for your loss

tribpot · 16/05/2012 23:25

I think you may have to tell his mum. Hard as it is, you know that's the choice she would want you to make if it might make the difference between her ds living and dying. Sorry to be so blunt.

Depending on what your surgery is like, the other thing you could do is phone them yourself to tell them about your concerns. Of course, they can't give you any details of his medical records without his consent but that's not really the issue. This time last year I was very unwell and finally ready to admit it to the GP (I was abusing alcohol and had lost a huge amount of weight). I actually had an appointment booked for after half term and a mum/friend in the playground saw me (virtually unable to stand up, I might add - not because drunk but because my leg muscles were basically f*cked) and phoned the surgery. I then had the surreal experience of the surgery phoning me to say "hello, are you ill? Please come down in half an hour".

I was still managing to get out to work at this stage, btw, god knows how in hindsight. I had bloods taken that same day and results back overnight which were able to rule out cancer to about a 95% certainty.

He has to see a doctor. End of. If you have to stress his mum to do it, I'm so sorry but that's what you have to do.

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