I have cancer and my friend is being distant - has anyone any experience of this?

[MrsMcNulty]

Hi all,

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and have been undergoing treatment since September. My family, DH's family, and my friends have all been great - offering to help out, visiting often, keeping my spirits up etc.

All except one. When I told her of my diagnosis she freaked out a bit over the phone - which was fine, different people took the news different ways. But since then I have hardly heard from her - she has never even dropped me a short text to ask how I am doing (everyone else was ringing/texting every time chemo appts came round to say good luck/thinking of you etc). I have seen her exactly twice since starting treatment, and both times she seemed fairly distant, her DH talked to me more than she did. When I texted her to say I have had my surgery she sent a long reply describing how stressful her job is.

Is this just how some people deal with the news? Have I done something to piss her off? Or is she just a selfish person? I am a mix of upset (she was my best friend, or so I thought, and has a DD the same age as my DD), and angry. I don't expect her life to revolve around me, but a bit of love wouldn't go amiss!

Does anyone have experience of this? Should I just not contact her again and go our separate ways? Or say something (am not very good at this, and to be honest have better things to do than create bad feelings)...? Or wait for her to "come round"?

it's crap isn't it..

Wow thanks all, I never expected so many replies!

There are some excellent posts on here, I really appreciate all your input to help me try to understand this. Interesting that several of you have mentioned some people not being able to cope with the idea of cancer. This has never occurred to me as if one of my friends was ill I would be there for them as much as they wanted. I put that my friend is being "distant" in the thread title as my first thought was that she is distancing herself from me now, so that if I die she doesn't have to think about it too much! She has never once asked me how I am or how it's going, even when we have met - when her DH asked me what chemo was like, she made her excuses and went to the loo so she didn't hear any of my reply! And when I texted to tell her I'd had my surgery and would be feeling better in a few weeks she went on about how she couldn't meet up at the moment as she was too stressed at work.

I think Flightty has described something which could also apply. The two times I have seen her since being diagnosed she has seemed bizarrely angry and difficult to talk to, and has been really awkward. For example: once I suggested somewhere we could meet for lunch with our DDs that had a range of things I could eat (due to hospital-recommended chemo diet, like pregnancy diet but excludes more things, coupled with a mouth full of ulcers from chemo which meant I couldn't tolerate lots of foods) and explained this to her. She then insisted we went somewhere else that had more choices for her (vegetarian) instead, I had never been there but said fine. There was only one thing on the menu that I could eat, so I ended up having no choice. To add insult to injury she then had 2 glasses of wine with her meal (I couldn't drink), and as usual we split the bill 50/50. I felt really hurt afterwards.

Sorry for venting mega-post! I really do appreciate all your input it's been very helpful, thanks again - I'm going to take a look at the tamoxifen thread now...

Mary - didn't see your post until I pressed send on my mega-post! Just to add that to my shame I get cross with my mum when she is ill (ongoing back problems which restrict what she can do), and it is because she gets very negative when it flares up. Last time she stopped eating and my sister had to call an ambulance for her (mum lives alone), I got really frustrated with her attitude None of us are perfect. Sorry to hear about your mum.

I have had a similar experience. My firstborn son became unexpectedly ill when he was 8mo and after a lengthy hospital stay he died. The vast majority of my friends have been there for me. They often called or sent texts while we were in hospital, and stayed in contact after ds died.

However one friend who i had spent a lot of time with (we met at antenatal classes with our firstborns and met each other a couple of times a week), IMO, behaved really badly. I won't go into details, they're irrelevant.

I have never really figured out why she behaved like she did. I have my theories eg there for the grace of God go I, and/or she didn't know what to say or how to behave?

But my dh gave me the best piece of advice, 'xyz has shown by her actions how much she thinks of the friendship, therefore don't invest anymore time in it. Don't confront her, just simply see the friendship/relationship for what it is and don't expect anymore'.

Whilst I was upset about her behaviour at the time, dh's words resonated with me, plus I was still deep in grief at that time and didn't have the emotional energy to waste on others.

I have found that people really show their true colours in times of need, whether they be close friends or casual aquintances. It doesn't matter how well or how long you have known someone either, a good 'un is a good 'un.

I hope your treatment and recovery carry on going well. Surround yourself with the people who matter, not the ones that you thought mattered but quite clearly don't.

{{gentle hugs to everyone on this thread}}

MrsMcNulty, some friends really are fairweather friends and like ILikeToMoveit I found this when I lost a child. One friend has not contacted me at all since dd died. Another keeps in contact and sadly tends to say all the wrong things but despite this, I actually appreciate her far more than the friend that says nothing. At least she's trying. Also since dd died, I actually made some friends who stepped in as soon as they heard, even though we weren't close friends before.

I am sorry that your friend has been so detached, it really hurts when people let us down but remember it's far more to do with her than it is with you.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt and chipmonkey, I am so sorry to hear you have each lost a child. Unbelievable that friends can be so rubbish when that happens, I guess it supports the "fear of" theory - it's something they would rather not think about.

I believe that when something awful happens you actually find out who your real friends are. True friends won't hesistate to offer support in times of trouble whereas the fairweather variety tend to avoid dealing with anything too difficult.

It isn't worth worrying about - just take support and friendship from those who are genuine.

Mrs McNulty when I had BC I found that many of those I felt closest to became quite distantnwhereas others who had been quite casual before were amazing eg my cousins DD who sent me funny cards,herbal tea bags and magazines. My oldest but not closest friend texted every day whereas the one I call my best friend hardly got in touch at all. Now I am five years past my dx the roles have reversed again. My bf said she couldn't cope with the fact that I had a potentially life limiting illness. My own lovely DD had just had her first baby and wanted/needs to pretend it wasn't happening. I feel as if I have gained not lost though because I now know how much the more distant ones care and the close ones care just as much in their own way.

That's nice to hear greylady, did you tell your best friend afterwards how you had felt about her not contacting you when you were ill?

I supported a friend through her diagnosis and treatment for very advanced bowel cancer in her early 20's. In part, I took a bigger role than I probably should have because of the reaction of many of her other friends. Many just could not deal with her illness and did not contact her or offer support. I was very angry about this for a long time. I felt that people were often asking me how she was instead of just calling or texting themselves. Often, I was put in the position where I had to lie because I wasn't sure what my friend wanted people to know. She had been told from the outset that her cancer was incurable but understandably did not share this with many people.

After her passing, it became clear to me that many people had taken a step back from her because they were just so upset at the idea of losing her. In effect they cared too much and just didn't have the ability to deal with what was happening. I had a chat with one pal who I'd been particularly upset with, and it turned out she had lost a number of pals in recent years which must have been awful for her to deal with at such a young age.

I wonder if this is what is happening with your pal OP? I'm not saying her behaviour is excusable. But understanding the reasons behind peoples behaviour helped me to deal with the situation. I sometimes wonder how I would have behaved if I hadn't made that first visit where I realised that my beautiful pal was just the same person with the same evil sense of humour.

My mother is a BC survivor and I know she was surprised who did and didn't help her when she needed it. I suspect your experience is pretty common.

Good luck OP. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

That rings true. I feel as though my non-"friend" is behaving as though I'm dead. Torn between wanting to understand and wanting to just kill her in return... but returning to the initial point of this thread, I very much regret telling her how I felt. Because now I'm the evil baddie and she's the poor suffering victim and I'm a rubbish friend.

This is a very interesting thread. As Greylady says, sometimes the people you expect to be there are not and the ones you don't, are.

It made me think of when my darling friend was so ill. We had been best friends for about 15 years. Always, she had made more effort than me in terms of being in touch, as she lived quite a long way off and so we weren't able to see each other much. At first when we met, we wrote long, rambling letters and sent each other presents and cards a lot. Then she met her husband, and we still kept in touch, though more by phone...there were several visits backwards and forwards but we never lived close enough to meet up very much. Still we called each other every week or so, I went through a serious illness, (not cancer, just an ED) and then I recovered, I let many friends go and would have allowed it to drift but she was resolute and kept calling, when I was too wrapped up in myself to bother with anyone.

I don't know if I ever thanked her for that. then I had a baby, she got married, we almost lost each other as she was so upset I couldn't come to her wedding. She kept writing to me, alternately angry and trying to make up and eventually I responded and we started afresh. It was her determination that kept us together. I've never been one for many friends but somehow she made it work. She had an awful lot of others, too...she was a very good person.

Anyway a few years passed and we had got very close again, she had two children, I had another, time went by and we emailed now more than we called. One day she found she had cancer.

I don't think I was someone she expected to jump to it, but I did. I had to. From that moment I got assigned the role of 'researcher' and spent every day looking for help, for information, not all of which I could share with her, but still. For trials and for drugs and for specialists. Her father got in touch and we spoke by email all the time. I think being far away they were both able to tell me the bad stuff, iykwim, without it upsetting me too much - well it did but I was 'invisible' mostly so it was somewhere to put it, and have it disappear. It was painful, very very painful at times, especially as I knew from what I had read that she would probably not make it, and there was no one to say this to. I wanted to scream it out, but you can't. You have to say the least you can and focus on what she wanted to hear, which was that there was hope.

She died after 9 months. Her father and I kept in touch till the last. And after, I did not make it to her funeral. I couldnt. Same reason as her wedding...children, and no one to care for them while I travelled there. I tried to go but came home, with ds, as I knew I would fall apart and couldn't do that 300 miles away with a child to look after.

We collaborated to write an obituary, well I wrote and he corrected it. I wanted to try and do something. It wasn't ever enough though and I still feel I have failed her, and all of them, because there was no cure and nothing we could do.

I don't speak with her father much now. I think there was a lot of anger floating around. It doesn't feel happy or resolved though in our minds I think we know we were not to blame that she didn't make it.

Anyway, just rambling, really. But sometimes, you know, your friends might not be able to do the stuff they should. And it doesn't mean they don't love you desperately.

Hope this isn't out of place.

Kiwi,

'I felt that people were often asking me how she was instead of just calling or texting themselves. Often, I was put in the position where I had to lie because I wasn't sure what my friend wanted people to know.'

Yes, this. It is so so hard.

I'm so sorry about your friend's death. Thinking of you...

thankyou, well it's been a couple of years now so not so bad. These things are just such an emotional muddle for everyone, I think. People don't know what they will do till it happens, iyswim?

BM, I've just read back and I'm sorry about what happened with your friend, too.

That sounds horrendous.

Just thought I would add something too. We had quite the opposite reaction when my DS was diagnosed with a life limiting medical condition and was extremely ill. Lots of people rallied round and made us feel very loved and cared for. They visited when he was in hospital and really took an interest.

Fast forward a few years and no-one bothers. All of the 'friends' who stepped in so gallantly, are now nowhere to be seen. He gets no visitors when he goes into hospital now. So much so he now notices it himself and gets so desparately sad about it. What makes it worse he is much worse now than he was when he was a cute little baby.

My family and one best friend are amazing, but didn't overdo it when he was diagnosed. They took time to get used to the idea, but have been an unending supply of support (especially when I need to cry/talk about it). They prepare things for his hospital visits because they know they may not always be able to visit (he is in a lot).

I don't know why your friend is behaving so oddly, and it may be self protection. But I'm sorry she hasn't supported you more. You sound like a very nice person, so it really is her loss. I hope you continue to have great progress in your treatment and invest in friends who are supporting you now.

Whatever the reason, don't waste your time and energy worrying about her. She is being selfish, and if she can't get over her own feelings ans needs, then it certainly isn't your job to chase her.

When mum was diagnosed with cancer, one of my friends, who had never met my mum, sent her a huge bouquet of flowers and a get well soon card. Mum was so amazed. Other people I knew well ignored the whole situation, while some talked to me about it, and asked how I wanted them to treat it/me (ask questions, not ask questions, etc). I did ditch some 'friends' - ie the person I bumped into at a gathering who just whined on and on abouit his job and money and never once asked how I/mum was.

If people can't be supportive when you need/want them to be, then they are not true friends. So the only call if you are happy/healthy or if they want to gossip or ask a favour? That's not a good friend. They know they are bein crap. What would an email/text/card hurt?

I didnt tell her but she told me how afraid she had been for me.She said that when she rang after chemo I sounded as if I couldnt be bothered to talk [she was right at that time] so she thought I would know she was 'there for me' if I needed her.
She said she realised she had left it too long and didnt know what to do.I let it be-my beloved cousin [male] who had lost his mum to bc a couple of years earlier also found it hard to talk.
The only one who really hurt me was my uncle-82 at the time.He had lost a daughter and a sister to bc and when he hear of my dx he rang me and said [in his broad Durham voice which reminded me od home],"Eeee our xxxx I thought I'd be the next to go!!!!!!!"

He was :)

As others have said, don't waste your strength and energy worrying about it. You will need every ounce of strength you have trying to get well again!

I assume you're talking about cp? How are her dc's doing?

Sorry, that hijack was for Flight!

OP some people can't cope with illness. Others can't cope with cancer - almost as if they feel it is "catching".
Primeval I suppose but a quirk of human nature. Same with death - some people can't bring themselves to speak to you when you have had a bereavement.
You live and learn - we all do.

Poor MrsMcNulty, and everyone else who has experienced this.

My DH has cancer. A quite advanced and thus incurable Lymphoma which can only be pushed into remission for periods, but not cured. He's pretty well just now however and we make the most of these times.

We had an element of this. A couple of his friends have faded away. And there have been some extreme reactions - one colleague of his (who was pregnant at the time) would not even be in the same room as him and would leave. As if it was catching. DH's own father can't really handle it and just pretends it is not happening - but his wife died of cancer, and that may be relevant. He never asks after DH's health and changes the subject as fast as he can.

What we have learned is that its not you its them. And if they don't or can't tell you why they feel or behave this way, it is best to let it go rather than pressure them or try to find reasons yourself. They may not be able to help it and may be bitterly ashamed inside.

The people who really love you will be there for you. And as someone said up-thread, some unlikely people can surprise you with their care.