I have cancer and my friend is being distant - has anyone any experience of this?

[MrsMcNulty]

Hi all,

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and have been undergoing treatment since September. My family, DH's family, and my friends have all been great - offering to help out, visiting often, keeping my spirits up etc.

All except one. When I told her of my diagnosis she freaked out a bit over the phone - which was fine, different people took the news different ways. But since then I have hardly heard from her - she has never even dropped me a short text to ask how I am doing (everyone else was ringing/texting every time chemo appts came round to say good luck/thinking of you etc). I have seen her exactly twice since starting treatment, and both times she seemed fairly distant, her DH talked to me more than she did. When I texted her to say I have had my surgery she sent a long reply describing how stressful her job is.

Is this just how some people deal with the news? Have I done something to piss her off? Or is she just a selfish person? I am a mix of upset (she was my best friend, or so I thought, and has a DD the same age as my DD), and angry. I don't expect her life to revolve around me, but a bit of love wouldn't go amiss!

Does anyone have experience of this? Should I just not contact her again and go our separate ways? Or say something (am not very good at this, and to be honest have better things to do than create bad feelings)...? Or wait for her to "come round"?

Maybe she has a particular problem with cancer and can't face you.

I would mail her and say you miss her friendship, but you appreciate that she may have problems you don't know about. Wish her well and hope that you can get together again in the future.

I've had heart disease and surgery rather than cancer but yes, I've experienced this... almost exactly as you describe.

And the more I tried to contact her, the more loudly and aggresively she insisted that her work stress was more important than my illness until finally she made it clear to me that our friendship was over.

And so, based on that experience... I would say nothing and let your "friend" (using inverted commas as she's obviously not being much of a friend to you) go her own separate way. It sounds as though you have the love and support you need from family and other friends and whereas the loss of this one particular "friend" must hurt like hell, falling out with her will only make things worse.

Some people, I think, are just utterly selfish.

Do you know what Breastmilk, I think you could be right - I have been thinking along those exact lines. At the moment I am doing nothing, and as a result am hardly seeing her or hearing from her. I don't have the energy to make the first move or to start a fight with her about it. Thanks for sharing your experience, sorry to hear about your friend too - but it is reassuring it's not just me

I had a serious health problem (not cancer) and found that most people were lovely, some didn't know what to say and some people I hardly knew took a very voyeuristic interest in it, offering to help when they had no intention of doing so; it was just so that they could pump me for more information.

Perhaps she has experience of cancer within her own family that has caused her to behave like this. Or perhaps she is one of those people who still feels there is a stigma attached to cancer and she is unable to discuss it freely. Either way, I would not waste time or energy trying to resolve the problem. You have enough on your plate, so focus on the people who are kind and supportive to you.

throckenholt - I think she may have an issue with cancer. Another of her friend's DH had cancer a few years ago and she told me how gruelling all the treatment was for him when I told her of my diagnosis last year. That wasn't amaziingly helpful to me as I was just about to start my own treatment and was obviously scared. She mentioned him both times she has seen me since my treatment started, although she has not even asked me how treatment has been like for me!

Hi mrs mcnulty (and how you doing breast milk- posted on another thread and hope you are recovering ok). The not knowing what to say/bad luck is catching or my life is worse a real shitty thing. I agree on focussing on those who help and not those who don't but it is hurtful when you are most vulnerable.

If you feel like you need a place to vent have you checked out the tamoxifen chat threads in general health? A few of us (mostly with breast cancer or survivors ) hang out there and it has been a brilliant place to vent. I mention it as this issue with"friends" reaction sadly been experienced a few times. Do pop over If you havent already.

Equally, I'm sorry reassured it's not just me, though so sorry too that you're lost a friend at the time you needed her most.

How's the treatment going?

x-post Joneses, thank you. I am not wasting my energy trying to resolve it, it just upsets me as she used to be my best friend.

Hi Gigondas I haven't looked at the thread as am not on tamoxifen - am on herceptin but cancer not hormone receptive. Thanks will take a look (if I am allowed to?)

Treatment going well thanks Breastmilk, have finished chemo, had surgery (including all lymph nodes removed as it was in lymph nodes), starting radiotherapy soon. Prognosis is good.

Goodness... you've really been through it. Sounds as though you need all the friendship you can get.

Thanks that's what I thought [poor me emoticon], it's been a tough time.

Am going to take myself out for a walk now but will check thread later for more helpful views, thanks so much all for your replies!

Enjoy your walk. It's a lovely morning here.

I hope meet a friendly dog-walker along the way, if you're the sort of person who likes to stop and chat.

MrsMcNulty You'd be more than welcome to join us on the tamoxifen thread- you don't need to be on tamoxifen (or even have b cancer) - several of our posters are on herceptin or have had it.
The friend thing is strange- I do think it (cancer) still scares people and your friend might just be fearing for her own health -it brings it a bit close to home for some people. Some members of my extended family completely ignored my diagnosis (no phone call/card) which still puzzles me as I know if things were reversed I'd be there to support.

Cancer does sadly scare people away and it's often the people that surprise you most. We had the exact same experience with my DD's cancer diagnosis. I'm so sorry you're going through it too as it's so incredibly hurtful. Wishing you all the best with the rest of your treatment.

I'm another from Tamoxifen thread, so nip over and join us, you'd be v.welcome.

I have a friend who I've totally given up on now. Since I was diagnosed two years ago, she hasn't called once and has even stopped sending Christmas cards. V.sad as we were close. Haven't a clue why she can't cope with it all, but I had enough on my plate without worrying about her, so have left it.

Just from a different point of view.

My DM is a wonderful person, very caring, very empathetic usually, but her oldest friend had a breast cancer diagnosis and she just went weird - no other word for it. She stopped contact, but was always asking me how her friend was as I am friends with bf's daughters. I kept telling her to contact friend but she would make poor excuses.

But she was genuinely worried. I think it is a combination of ignoring something in the hope it will go away, and being terrified that her friend was dying.

Beyond odd. I can't explain it as she would be the last person you would think would react like that.

I am sorry to hear your friend has let you down like this. I really found it sorted the wheat from the chaff with my diagnosis too. People don't like the idea that their friends might die and run for the hills instead.
I am glad the treatment is going well. It is very hard. I had a mastectomy although I have since met a great many women who have been through the bc mill. I think these things make one look at the world in a slightly different way. My case was not hormone receptive either.
It is really awful when so called friends dump on you. It's not a very sensible thing to do. Not really.

I know that when my mum had cancer that her neighbour of 30 years could not look at her. It was because her mother had died from the same cancer. Maybe it is something like that or maybe she just doesn't have the emotional capacity to support a friend in need. Lots of friendships are one way unfortunately, maybe she is just self-centred.

It could be a number of things - she might be afraid of cancer for personal/family reasons; she might have some irrational belief that it's somehow "catching"; she might just not know how to deal with your illness because she's worried you're going to die; or she might just be a completely fairweather "friend" who can't deal with the heavy stuff.

Whichever the reason, I'd say let her go. You don't need that kind of relationship in your life at the moment (ever, really) - so even though it's hurtful, just cut her out now.

Glad your treatment is going well.

Come on over to tamoxifen , I wasn't prescribed tamoxifen either but it doesn't matter .
Loads of support , loads of laughs , loads of tears !
We've got it all

I think sometimes, people get angry with people they love who get ill. As if it was your fault and you're letting them down....iyswim?

They are scared that you will leave them, that you've already left, sometimes - that your treatment will mean you are not there for them.

I think these people have often had a poor experience of a parent dealing with illness, and this means that they are literally almost unable to be sympathetic or say the right things because to them, you're bringing back all those feelings of fury that they experienced towards the person they knew who was not there for them.

It's hard to explain - like some of us are good nurses, we're full of sympathy, we love to care for others when they are sick.

Some of us are frankly shit at it, because for us, when someone becomes unwell it's like they are making our lives hard, and we get cross with them, without meaning to. It's just I think a mental block for some people.

Whatever her reasons, they are NOT your fault, they are her own issues and she might well feel really, really guilty about them. Don't stress it - ignore, and let her come to you when she can. You matter more, at the moment.

Hope this comes across right. I'm great with some things - I was, I'm glad to say, very much there for my friend who had cancer. But I am rubbish when my children have a stomach bug. I actually feel angry with them. I try not to show it but I feel like they are trying to torture me. That's not their fault, either. It's just my own deep seated issues.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be horrid.

Flightty I don't want to speak for the OP, but I appreciate your honesty. I think it'd be good to hear from anyone else on here who actually has abandoned a friend with breast cancer and could explain why.

No it's fine. No point in posting if we can't be honest.

I'm not proud of my issues with sickness, I'm nice to the kids if they have a cold, whatever...just the vomming thing I can't deal with very well.

How it makes you feel and how you should behave is sometimes a cognitively dissonant nightmare.

I was hoping someone would post from the other side of it too.

I have to confess to being impatient and a bit brisk with my mum who has early Parkinson and is generally quite immobile because it upsets me that she isn't the vital,active person she was. She's also quite depressed and negative (and of course she has reason to be) but that I find very difficult to deal with.

I think many of us would, Mary. I'm sorry that's happening to your mum.