lovely mil just diagnosed with ovarian cancer & secondary cancer too. Help please

[ernest]

well, title says pretty much all. She hasn't seen consultant yet? How long do you normally have to wait, anyone know? She went to see her GP & I think she suspected oc - dunno why specifically but she paid £500 for a private scan & was shocked to see it's already spread to liver, lymph nodes & somewhere else.

Absolutely cannot believe it. When we got the call I (dh answered) I knew it was serious, assumed his gran has taken ill, not his mum/ We were with her at Christmas & she seemed fine I feel guily thinking about all the running around she did for us, as usual.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience of this? Is oc one of the ones with a good survival rate? I thought tho' that once the liver was involved it was bad news. Honest & candid replies please. I spent all night imagining her funeral so gutted

I'm scared to call 'cos I know I'll cry & that's the last thing she needs. We're so far away I feel helpless, not in UK. Dunno if she'd want the grandkids to visit (she adores them) or if it would just be a huge added burden?
Any suggestions on what to do? Any ideas for not crying. I'm more like Bree Van der Kamps mil than Bree unfortunately.

Macmillan ran a campaign a few years ago specifically on talking to kids about cancer, and there Nurses specialise in whole family care. I hope you've already been out in touch with one, but if not they should be able to help. Youcan either contact them via their website or speak to the hospital.

Ernest I am very sorry to read this.What a terrible shock it must have been for you. The fact that you are so upset and obviously love your mil is nothing to be embarrassed about.

10 years ago my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she didn't seem that ill, rather, washed out all the time. We weren't expecting such a serious diagnosis as her own mother had just died at 94 yrs of age we thought the tiredness was a result of that. At that time there was no cure (I don't think there is yet either) and unfortunately it is one of the cancers that only has 'symptoms' when the disease is at a progressed stage.

I too live abroad, and my mum was in the UK so I understand how awful this is for you and dh. I was able to make the most of a terrible situation and visited with my children 4 times in the 10 months that remained of her life. She really enjoyed the visits (as did my dad who found the whole situation overwhelming), and I would really recommend that you visit as much as you can, at least until she finds it too tiring or is too ill to see the children. At that point I went alone. I have friends here who have been phoned from UK to be told of a sudden death and believe you me that is far, far worse.

HTH Thinking of you all x

mememum - that's what happened to my aunty on the chemo - they managed to slow it to a more or less stop. (but was still there) she was a walking pharmacy but it gave her an extra 6.5 years on the 2 weeks they gave her.

fingers crossed they manage to find a treatment which can at least slow the growth down.

Ernest I am so sorry for you honey. I think you should head home as soon as you can. She may say not to com eyet, but imagine how happy she will be to see you, her son and beautiful grandchildren.

The Cancerhelp website is very good (run by Cancer Research UK)
Cancer Help

Cancer Research UK also run a befriending service where you MIL can be put in touch with someone else who is going through the same or similar experience, which many people find a great help
befriending

Lots of luck to all of you and try and enjoy every precious moment you have together x

Just thinking about this ernest. If you go to austria you are both just going to be thinking about mil. I would just go and visit her. Do you stay with her or do you have other accomodation? A visit from you and the children will be a bit of a distraction for her rather than wondering all the time what is happening...

We normally (basically every time bar 1 in the last 5 years) stay with her. She is always fab with the boys, all her neighbours are great with them too and buy them presents (grrr!) She always goes to a lot of trouble for us, which puts me off a bit, as I know it'll be hard for her to stop herself, or worse, not realising she's not up to it any more.

I just cannot believe it. She was (or at least seemed) right as rain when we went at Christmas. We only came back home 3 weeks ago.

Hausfrau et al, don't worry about giving it to me straight. it's what I want & need. Will have to talk with dh when he comes home. I don't think he realises how bad it might be, or 'is in denial' (sorry hate americanisms). Maybe he'll agree to go the week after Austria. Not sure if he'll be up for cancelling.

Wish we could contact mcmillan nurse, butnot being in uk makes everything harder at times like this. Like I said, it's not the other side of the world, but it's still a bloody long way, and a stressful journey which ever way you do it. (One I'm more than willing to make, of course)

hugs
xxx

I'm so sorry Ernest. My Dad is currently in hospital following the removal of a malignant tumour in his bowel (we're hoping the results show that it's all OK but are waiting. Him and his partner came down to stay with us the other weekend just before he went in. I know that being with the children did him the power of good and we had a lovely weekend. If you can I would definitely come over as soon as you can. I think there's something about seeing grandchildren that makes people want to fight it more. And as for the not crying thing I was in floods of tears when Dad rang to told me, but I'm about 90% sure he couldn't tell over the phone.

oh ernest I'm really sorry that this has happened. can you ring up the hospital to see if they can push through her appointment, they might have a cancellation.

ernest, I am so sorry. I do some of my research on ovarian cancer so I know a fair bit. I have to say, reluctantly, that I agree with the others, it is not a situation with much hope. There's no way they would operate if that many organs are involved, and to be honest it sounds rather late stage. I would visit as soon as you feel able, and bring the grandkids if you possibly can. The only thing that sounds very strange is for it to have got that far without any symptoms- ovarian cancer itself is hard to detect because the symptoms are so vague, but with liver and pancreas involvement you would have thought she'd be feeling rotten. There's no chance that the scan was over-interpreted, is there? I guess not, I just hate having to write stuff without a shred of hope.

Am so sorry to hear this, I would second what others have said, go over as soon as possible, try just to be normal around her, after all, until she's spoken to her consultant no-one knows what the outcome is going to be, even if there's a vague certainty of what it is going to be. But go as soon as you can, because if you don't you just might regret it in the long term.

A very good friend of our family died of cancer just 3 weeks ago, and no-one knew she was ill because she hadn't wanted anyone to know, hadn't wanted people crying down the phone etc, even her 18 year old daughter didn't know it was terminal until 4 days before she died. the only way we found out was when another friend went to visit and knew the instant he saw her that something was wrong and asked her husband. We found out on the saturday, at which point we were told she had weeks to live, she was hospitalised on the sunday and died on the tuesday, it really was that sudden. Even her own brothers who live in South Africa, didn't find out she was ill until the morning she died.

It could be that your Mil has been feeling ill but because she's such an active person normally she was able to hide it well? And that's not such a bad thing really, there's lot to be said for positive thought.

ou all have gone through so much too. It's very humbling. This is my first real experience of illness and death of someone I'm really close to. An yet many of you have gone/are going through something similar. It's tough. Dh hasn't rang. Hope he's ok.

I'm going to try to persuade him to come over as soon as we get back from Austria, if not concel altogether.
thanks again, it's been a real help.

I'm so sorry....she sounds so lovely, too.
I just wondered...if you are worried about it being too much for her, could you offer the option of staying with friends/elsewhere for a few days so she could see the grandchildren but not have to look after them as such? I only ask because my grandmother is into her final weeks/months (but she's nearly 99) and for the first time agrees that it might be better if DH, DD and I stay in a nearby hotel when we next visit (she's in Paris).
Sorry if thats already been thought of - not had time to read all the thread, but my heart goes out to you. Wishing the best for her.

My MIL died of secondary cancer and the process between diagnosis and death was only 6 weeks (a shock at the time, but something to be thank ful of in the long term as it limited her sufferring). We did not know she was dying and Dh had not seen her for 2 weeks and me for longer. When we were visiting friends for a weekend I decided we should take a detour (of 2 hours!) to go and see her on the way home, DH was not sure but I was insistent. She was very poorly and we only stayed an hour, in hindsight I think she knew she was saying goodbye. We got a call the next morning to say she has died.

I am not trying to be the voice of doom and your MIL could have many months of life ahead of her, but i guess I am saying trust your insticts over visiting. I am glad I did and so is DH

Just found out she's got appt for 13th Feb - our wedding anniversary & was told if she's gonna have chemo, she'll start withing days, rather than weeks.

Sil & Dh both say not to cancel holiday. Sil says not to visit. Dh not sure. Not sure if I'm being overly pessimistic in thinking time is limited - everything I've said here is correct, yet sil & dh seem to be acting as if this is curable? Are they being unrealistic or am I being too negative? The oc cancer web site said docs considered patients who were still alive after 2 years were doing very well.....

Confused

ernest in my experience OC is not cureable, coupled with other cancers the future's not looking as birhgt as it might do. but that said, medicine's a wonderful thing. as I said my aunty had it in the end for 7 years they did manage to slow it to almost stopping growing, but she only had OC not others as well. also she got a lot worse b4 she got to that point - within 6 months she was at deaths door but fought back.

it's obviously up to u guys, but i'd say cancel the holiday and come to the UK, u never know how long it's gonna be, and tbh, I knew i'd never forgive myself if I hadn't spent as much time with my aunt as possible b4 she died. ((((hugs))))

ernest, the letter I got with my Race for Life pack was written by a woman whose Mum is clear from OC five years after diagnosis. That said, my friend's Mum died three weeks after diagnosis - it really, really depends how advanced it is. Until your MIL has her appointment, its going to be anyone's guess - I think its crap that she's having to wait two weeks, personally.
If it was me...I think I'd wait until her appointment update, then be prepared to get over there fairly fast for a visit if needs be. She may be shocked right now, and not have space for, or even want, a visit - on the other hand, she will probably be doing chemo and not up to much visiting fun afterwards. Can you maybe ask her, directly, what she'd prefer?

my MIL had it over ten years ago and is completely clear now. Though she didn't have secondaries anywhere, her tumour was past the middling stage heading towards advanced. They operated and she had chemo.

So it does sound simpler than your MIL's and i guess if they are not operating they are looking at prolonging life rather than cure.

Lots of love and luck to all your family, hope there's loads of time for her yet. x

how positive is your MIL in her general approach to life? It seems anecdotally that those who fight cancer and don't give in to it survive for much longer. Those who are scared by it and give in to probably die more quickly. It is very much down to the individual and how they deal with life.

Does your DH know that sometimes it is only weeks between diagnosis and the end ? Ask him how he would feel if that were the case this time ? It may not be that quick - but worth considering how you would all feel if it was.

So sorry to hear this - as one also living away from home I kno just how this makes you feel.

My MIL's sister was diagnosed about 3 years ago. They are in LA. She had surgery where they removed her womb, ovaries, appendix, part of bowel, up in diaphragm and more. She then had major chemo. Then they operated again and took 150 biopsies - results showed still some cancer so then installed a shunt and injected chemo drugs direcetly into abdomen. It is an aggressive way to fight and aggressive disease and thankfully seems to have worked for her. She is still here and stil clear.

I read somewhere recently that this way for injected the chemo directly to abdomen was an old way of doing it but is being re-introduced for some cancers with good results.

Is your FIL, SIL or DH strong enough to research and question treatment?

My MIL's sis was treated at UCLA hopsital - I'm sure they would have a web-site - may have some info.

Would def make sure your MIL was going to the best hosp for cancer treatment. 2 weeks sounds too long to wait for an appointment - can they go private for a earlier appointment?

Thinking of you.

ernest - your dh and sil are in a bit of denial about how serious this is. When my fil was diagnosed (secondary liver cancer) my dh and his sisters/brother kept talking about his future when I knew deep down that he didn't have a very long one. It sounds as if your mil is the "strong" one and can usually be relied on for everything. Perhaps they find it hard to think of her any other way. Is she feeling reasonably well at the moment?? I really hope that the treatment can help her through this.

ernest, I do agree that it sounds as though there is some denial going on here. Ovarian cancer is generally eminently treatable as long as it is caught early as it invades rather than metastasises in the early stages. If it has really spread to all these organs then it is not early stage. The other point is that ovarian cancer is not just one disease- there are four quite distinct forms, plus other minor sub-types, and at least one of these simply doesn't respond to chemo, so it's very difficult to generalise from other people's experiences. And that's without the uncertainty that the ovarian is the primary tumour. I'm so sorry, but I would still go sooner rather than later.

If it were my mum and down to me I'd already be there, but dh, sil & mil all say no, not yet. Spoke to her again today & she sounded positive, but still v. emotional, doesn't even feel able to talk to the boys on the phone.

Dh's best friend's mum died of cancer just 2 weeks after he found out, so I do feel nervous, not just for that reason of course, but to me it just doesn't look good and a lot of you agree. I said to her again maybe it would be better for us to come before the treatment starts as she still feels reasonably ok. She wants to wait and see what they say at the appt on 13th. She's pleased about the date - 13th lucky number for her - her mum's b'day 13th, sil's also & our anniv., so she's taking it as a positive omen. She is normally very practical, busy, fussing about, strong & strong willed, well-informed etc so these are plusses for her.

She does have private medical, dut the gp, in whom she has the utmost confidence, strongly recommended Guys & the NHS treatment she would receive over going private, so she has followed his advice on this one. Many may disagree or say such and such a hospital is better, but she has 100% faith & trust in this man, so would never waver from this.

Dh is back early this eve. Will have talk with him. Scared of broaching subject of it maybe being sooner, so we should go sooner. I'm sure he's looking more long term. Would you voice your fears, or still try to push for an earlier visit but let him carry on thinking she's got years yet/potentially fully cured (which would be wonderful, but let's face it doesn't seem too likely)

13th seems so far away and so long to wait. We'll all be going out of our minds.

I've got to go and start packing now for Austria. I was so looking forward to going, now I really wish we weren't.

I think if your MIL really doesn't want you to go at the moment then you have to respect that, actually. It would be hard on you all if you ignore it, because it would be like saying to her that you think there's no hope. I think your dh needs to prepare himself, but maybe you should wait until you know more, and try and enjoy your holiday.

FWIW I would definitely choose to have NHS treatment for this kind of thing. Your MIL's case will be seen and judged by a whole team of experts who will work together to choose the right treatment regimen. She'll be in good hands, truly.