lovely mil just diagnosed with ovarian cancer & secondary cancer too. Help please

[ernest]

well, title says pretty much all. She hasn't seen consultant yet? How long do you normally have to wait, anyone know? She went to see her GP & I think she suspected oc - dunno why specifically but she paid £500 for a private scan & was shocked to see it's already spread to liver, lymph nodes & somewhere else.

Absolutely cannot believe it. When we got the call I (dh answered) I knew it was serious, assumed his gran has taken ill, not his mum/ We were with her at Christmas & she seemed fine I feel guily thinking about all the running around she did for us, as usual.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience of this? Is oc one of the ones with a good survival rate? I thought tho' that once the liver was involved it was bad news. Honest & candid replies please. I spent all night imagining her funeral so gutted

I'm scared to call 'cos I know I'll cry & that's the last thing she needs. We're so far away I feel helpless, not in UK. Dunno if she'd want the grandkids to visit (she adores them) or if it would just be a huge added burden?
Any suggestions on what to do? Any ideas for not crying. I'm more like Bree Van der Kamps mil than Bree unfortunately.

I am so sorry for you and your family

I think cancer help uk is a good informative site you can pick and choose the information you want to face ... it is done so that you can skip pages that may initially difficult to face

On an emotional level I think you should ask her if she wants you all to visit .. she sounds pretty sorted .. don't take away her power because she is ill

I think once it spreads to secondary sites it is pretty much uncurable .

Try and be open and honest with her and ask her what she wants you to do - try and let her be in control.

Thanks so much It's my crying tho I really am pathetic. our boys don't know she's ill - we only found out last night. I feel closer to her than my own mum. she's so great but I'm really ashamed of my crying. I'm so pathetic. I've never learned how to control my tears does anyone have any suggestions. I'd love to call sil, I know she'd like to talk, let alone mil of course, but I just daren't. Who am I to be crying?

It's so awful. Just at Christmas they were talking about actually bringing dh's grandparents over for a visit. They're in their 80's and never been abroad, and we've been here 5 years and they finally feel brave enough to come. We were going to book up in Febuary for them to come in May. Now I'm terrified she won't even be here then. My only other experience of cancer is dh's best friend. His mum got diagnosed with cancer & died 2 weeks later . now dh has had to go away on business & I'm bawling my eyes out like a baby. how do you hold it in? I'm more of a burden & liabilty atm.

there is nothing wrong with crying - it shows you care and it a good way to get the emotions out. You are allowed to care - as you say - she means a lot to you - and you would not wish this on anyone , let alone someone you care for.

Ring them both - have a good cry together and then see what you can work out between.

well you just try and don't be ashamed of expressing emotion .. the benefit of a phone call is that you can hide everything but your voice (Unless you will be wracked with sobs)

How did you find out ... was it by phone call from her?

Of course you are allowed to cry .. you love her

she phoned dh last night. i didn't speak. poor fil will be in pieces.

Sorry to hear such sad news ernest, how awful for you. Don't worry about crying, better to cry on the phone than not ring.

I don't know that much about oc specifically, but yes, it is serious when it spreads to the liver. OTOH, my SIL has been battling with cancer for 15 years, she started out with breast cancer and since then it has spread to many places including the liver. The first time it spread to the liver we thought it was the end, but it wasn't. Treatment has stopped the growth of tumours in the liver many times. There is hope, but yes, it's serious.

Have they offered your mil treatment?

I know it must be so difficult being so far away. As others have said, don't take away her control. If she's up to a visit, then go over if you can. I'm sorry you're all having to go through this.

So sad Ernest. Don't be afraid to ring. I think it is lovely that you care so much for your MIL as herself not just as your DH's Mum IYSWIM. Does she have e-mail? Could you ring and then anything you don't manage to get out over the phone put into an e-mail?

my aunty had OC when she was diagnoised it was the size of a grapefruit apparently - she searched every shop for a grapefruit! anyhow. her's was a particually aggressive one to begin with, she had various op's etc and hte dr's gave her 2 weeks to live after about 6 months of her having the op's (If u ask me she should never have had the op as it spread after that but thaht's another thread) anyhow we like u didn't know how do react, we were completely devestated. it got to the point that the whole family had two weeks off to basically be on standby for her - the inevitable. anyhow a week past of her on the sofa looking v v bleak - (I won't lie, she was on about 75% morphine at one point and god knows what other coctail of drugs) it was horrible. anyhow inot the second week and one day she said thta's it i've had enough i'm not dying we're going to chessington theme park - u're not gonna watch me die basically. so the family all got to gether in our cars went up for a day trip out. she had her wheelchair and we had a really good day out, not morbid or anything just a fun family day which sounds odd! anyhow, she battled for another 6.5 years after that defied the dr's every step of the way cos she wasn't ready to go. what finally got to her wasn't the cancer it was the tubes for her colostrum bag - basically it stopped working. the end was horrible, u do feel helpless and don't knwo what to do, but for the most part we took our cue from her we jollied her along to lift her spirits up.

the worst part I think is the morphine - far worse than the hair loss, the weight loss it's the drugs they give - on morphine she wasn't my aunty she was someone else.

how old are your children? I had two yonuger cousins who were 8 and 5 when she died they saw her at home and I think once in hospital, it's affected the eldest terribly, she had nightmares etc about it, so from that pov I'm not sure it was a good idea they saw her, on the other hand they did want to see her. iycwim??

also my neighbours dad has lung/throat cancer - again he was given weeks b4 xmas and said he wouldn't leave hospital. he's fighting and not ready to go yet. I'll be hoping and preying for her, it's all in the attitude I think.

and fwiw I rate the Royal Marsden hospital in London for treatment - we're in the south coast but my aunty went there every 3 months of so I think (6 weeks when required) it's an excellent hospital.

also please don't be afraid to call her - u don't have to talk about the cancer - just act as normal as poss and take ur cue from her. my aunt used to say death wasn't the end - so we weren't allowed to wear black.

A very good friend of mine died of ovarian cancer. I nursed her untill she died (23)
I'm sorry to say that it is a silent cancer and usually doesn't display symptoms till its very well advanced.
I'm so sorry you've had this news
What part of the world are you in?

Liver cancer is very horrid and we we're told there was no cure for it - my grandfather had 18months once the cancer spread to the liver

I'm so sorry your going through this - if i had my time again with my grandad i'd have spent more time with him and cheerised the time we had.

we're in Switzerland. She's in Kent. Not the other side of the world, but with 3 little raucous ones (2, 5 & 6) I worry she'd find them too exhausting to have around. One the plus side they're not in school yet, so while the Kindergarten might get p**d off with loads of absences, it's not compulsory so in theory could come over more. They're her only grandchildren & she dotes on them, spoils them rotten & they love her like mad too .

Just spoken briefly to her. Says CAT scan shows it's in overies, lympth nodes, liver & pancreas, & it's not 100% clear the ovaries are the primary but they think it's likely to be. So dunno if that's better, worse or no different.

Ernest am so sorry its not better news.
Depending on how many deosits and the positions of the cancers, surg would ????be an potion, but it is only a remote possibility and even then it would probably be palliative rather thatn curative.
Medicines and chemotherapy are avaliabel that will stop the growth but only for a short while, ovarian cancer is very aggressive.

Bring the kids over, I'm sure she would love to see them.. The best medicine can sometimes be love and a positive attitude.
Agian you have my sympathies and are in my thoughts

she's only seen gp so far but I've heard from her mum, who just phoned me sobbing (mil is an only child & they worship her) that he described it as advanced & that as there was so many they wouldn't operate but go for chemo. But she'll have to wait & hear for plan of action. She's been referred to Guy's.

Unfortunately I have had a bit of experience with loved ones and cancer. Both my father and my fil have died from cancer. The last thing they want is to be treated differently or as if the end is already here. I am sure she would love to cherish every moment she has with her family especially whilst she is still reasonably well. If it is something that can't be treated you need to enjoy these precious moments together. My thoughts are with you and your family during these hard times.

Guys is a great hospital, she should be seen asap.
The chemo will make her quite unwell, and weaken her immune system.
If it was feesable perhapstake the kids to see her before she started. my df had a son and we got a book from the macmillan foundation that was very good for explaining to childern what was happening should you chose to take them over....will try and find a link for it.

not sure on guy's hospital, but agree about the children. try to make the visits to her as pos as u can for her/them.

i'm so sorry it's inoperaable (althou I must confess to being bias on hating op's for OC). the chemo will make her weaker, she'll need a lot of love and support, will prob loose her hair, but fingers crossed they might be able to at least slow things down for her.

I really am so sorry you're going thru this.

talking to children when an adult has cancer
macmillan
This organisation is excellent at giving cancer sufferers and there families support
I really hope this will help

ernest, I am so sorry to read this. If I were you, I'd visit (with the kids, as you say she adores them!) sooner rather than later. My experience of ovarian cancer (my Mum's friend) is that once diagnosed (which is, sadly, usually when there are secondaries - as it's often symptomless) is that it's fast. Go now, while she's still able to enjoy seeing you and the children. If you think staying with them would be too much would finances allow B&B, Travelodge, or similar? Oh I don't want to be the voice of doom - and miracles can happen - but don't leave it too late. Do and say the things you need to.

And don't feel that crying is a bad thing - it's healthy and normal.

I'm weepy now - it's an evil disease. Another of my Mum's friends died last October (breast cancer) and I wish I'd gone to see her more than I did If it's at all possible then go...I'm sure she'll be glad to have you and the children around her.

I cannot believe how brilliant you all are. Dh is away on business till tomorrow. We're supposed to be going for a week to Austria on Saturday. Really don't know what to do. Cancel & go to uk/go to uk after/wait till she says to come. I said on the phone we could come over any time & she just said to wait & see what hospital plan of action was, as she was in limbo etc. But dunno if that means deep down yes come or what. Now or later. wait and see. don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for the mcmillan link. you're all so brilliant.

Haven't said anything to boys yet. they're happily playing together so managed to hide my tears so far. Taking them out this pm so hopefully keep my mind off it a bit. Giving myself a headache from all the blubbing!

Hi ernest
I'm so sorry to hear your news. I have breast cancer and I wanted to let you know that cancerbacup are brilliant for lots of information about every cancer type.
here's their website
I'd also second the person who said the Royal Marsden are brilliant - they are the leading cancer hospital in the country. If your mum is being referred up to London anyway, she could definitely ask to go to the Marsden - everyone has the choice of which hospital to go to now.
Also, she needs to get on the case with the hospital for her consultant's appointment. My experience is that the admin in hospitals is appalling. I rang my oncologist's secretary and got an appointment that hadn't even been scheduled brought forward to two days from the phone call.
Keep posting if you want any more help/advice - or CAT me.

I don't have any more information to offer but my nan was diagnosed with OC and secondary stomach cancer last june. She had chemotherapy and tumours got smaller. She went for her check up last week and it is back. We are waiting on scan results to see to what extent. I just wanted to offer my support really and say how fantastic cancer research were for information.