My reactions to my partner are starting to frighten me

[colditz]

He has really really upset me over the past month, with gambling us into debt and then being drunk and nasty, but I phoned him at work to ask him to make sure he at least does some housework while I am at work this afternoon.

Well, I had a moan, and he said I don't do any either. I do it all at the minute, but admittedly the houseis a tip. I am pregnant, working and have an active 2 year old, and I feel I can't do this on my own, and indeed refuse to.

He hung up on me.

Now this is the bit that scares me, I took the phone outside and threw it against the wall until it smashed, then stamped on it. I don't know what possessed me. It has really frightened me, I have smashed my own housephone!#

I have a gp appt for Wednesday, I am going to ask for councelling as I feel hideously depressed, but I feel absolutey murderous to my partner at the minute, I am scared of him coming home, but If I tell him not to he will ignore me. Please please help me get a grip on myself

honey, all you need is a little pampering. youre pregnant, have an active two year old, and are working as well as taking care of the house. and your dp is being a pita.
can you get your mom or sister, or a friend to come over and help you get the house straight? make you a cup of tea? let you get some time alone in the bath guilt free?
or if you are already in debt, well, quite frankly, can you see yourself a further twenty quid into debt, but loads of peace of mind by getting someone in to do the cleaning for you?
you are at the end of your tether. and before you do something to hurt someone imiportabt to you, get some help.
hugs.
what part of the country do you live in?

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I want to stay with him to bring out children up. I don't want to be a single parent, if I had ever thought that would happen I would not have got pregnant again, but the way he is behaving looks like I will end up on my own.

I just seem to have a really low tolerance for irritating behavior. Just little things but they are all building up, like the way I spent nYE on MN, while dp was asleep on the sofa, he made no effort to wake up/stay awake and see it in with me. He doesn't bother coming to bed most nights. He is now promising to be good with his money, but I can't see it happening. He doesn't speak to me, if I start a subject he doesn't like at home, he walks off, if I do it over the phone he hangs up.

He frustrates me so much, I really really feel like physically damaging him sometimes. When I feel like this, it makes me wish I had never met him. We have been together 5 years and I can't remeber us ever having a particularly nice time together, but we have had plenty of nasty ones.

i seem to have a list of 'greivences' against him a mile long, I can't seem to let go of any of it, and I need to because it is making me hate him.

What changes has he made since the rent thng a while ago?

TBH I'd fell the same about being on my own but by the sound of it he's not making things any easier for you. In your shoes I think I would end it and and work on be happy with the children alone.
I can't really see any other option as he's being so crap.

At the minute, though, it's me. He is handing his bank card over on Friday, he has got all his bills up to date ready for me to take over, I am being so unreasonable and nasty I must be hell to live with, and I get these moments of blind rage, and they frighten me so much.

I didn't want to break my house phone, it was a stupid thing to do, I will have to replace it now, but I did it anyway. I was in such a temper because he had hung up on me. Does anyone have a clue why I reacted like this? It isn't like me to over react

I have had moments of blind rage like that. Mostly when pushed to the end of my tether.

I was in your situation a few years ago, not happily married, but not wanting to be a single parent on benefits and lose our house.
We stayed together long enough til I am earning enough to survive on my own (am not expecting financial maintenance from dx, ever, but he does help in other ways). Am now divorced, nearly independent when we sell our house, and wish I hadnt waited so long.

I actually got quite a few moments like that when pg over things much much more trivial.

Hormones are strange things and you are under alot of stress at the moment too.

Colditz-i read another thread of yours before Christmas,sounds like you have been having a horrible,ghastly time.
I know where you are at.That smashing the phone is EXACTLY what I would have done.
Are you getting any support from friends and family.

I do not know your relationship history and you dont need to tell me.
This may sound a silly thing to do,but you may see things more clearly:

Get a piece of A4 paper,draw a line down the middle and do 2 headings,PROS and CONS and see where you get too.

Things arent good with my dp-so i am there too.
I am staying for the children,in my experience its doing my head in.Not good for my health.Think about it

you sound like you have no relationship - no conversation, no mutual respect, you are getting no assistance in the house and you have to treat him like a child in relation to money to ensure that you aren't dragged further into debt.
you are obviously full of anger and frustration at being in this situation and I'm not surprised.

my question - why exactly do you want him around to help bring the children up? what is there to recommend this atmosphere and this home life to your children? what will this be teaching them about relationships? why don't you accept that it is all a big mistake, move on, let your anger subside, take responsibility for your own life and your children's lives and stop having to take responsibility for his as well? why don't you put yourself in the position where you might develop a new relationship built on mutual respect, assistance and love and show your children what a GOOD supportive relationship can look like? Apart from transforming your life, it will also transform their chances of having decent relationships themselves in the future.

You don't have to cut him out of your lives, he can still be a father to them (that will be his choice) but I really can't see what that benefits are to you or your children of things continuing as they are.

Sorry to be brutally honest, and obviously there may be a lot more in the situation than what you have shown us, but that is my reading of it.

would he go to relationship counselling? I think that is the only way things could get better for you together. i have been in a similar relationship in the past, but had no children with that man. Now i'm so thankful i am out of that relationship. Being pregnant and having a two year old alone is enough stress. You really need some support. try to preserve yourself and wrap yourself in a bubble right now. Try just to look after yourself and just get thru this pregnancy and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

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The only thing that makes me want to keep him around is that I know he can do better than he has been doing, and he has promised to try, and that he really is a good father. He loks after ds so well, plays with him, baths him, teaches him, occupies him....

I almost feel like we have gone back to the 1930's, only I am the man who has to sort all the finances and provide "pin money"

I am having a hard time accepting that he is the way he is, and also with sorting the real issues from the depression.

Sometimes I can't tell whether my depression is entirely caused by my life, or if my life is being made worse by my depression.

I don't really have a lot of family support, I couldn't just go and stay elsewhere, but am looking into tring to get this tenancy put entirely in my name, on the grounds that he is incapable financially and they are ore likely to get their rent on time if I am in charge of it.

And you have all raised some good points, so thank you, and PPH, I don't think you were being harsh at all.

I think it's perfectly normal to be VERY angry if your partner puts the phone down on you. And double or treble that reaction if you are tired, working, have a two year old and are pregnant. I think you are angry and depressed because your partner's behaviour is making your life intolerable, personally. I am not sure counselling can do anything about that. I am obviously not advocating killing him (!) but can you go on like this?

I really honestly think you have been pushed - possibly deliberately in a nasty passive aggressive way - to the end of your tether.
I actually think that putting the phone down on your partner continually is MORE aggressive and unreasonable and damaging than breaking a phone.

Tbh colditz, I think you are delaying the inevitable, being in such a negative relationship is just going to drag you further and further down.

One of my main reasons for leaving xp, was that I didn't want my kids to end up in a relationship like mine. History has a horrible way of repeating itself and despite xp being very good with the children when he could be bothered, I decided that it was more important to bring them up in a home without an atmosphere.

Xp was adamant that we should stay together for the sake of the kids, but I truly believe that is a crappy thing to do. Do you think your kids will be grateful to you when they are older, for making them the reason for putting up with so much shit.

I know you think it will be harder on your own, but it really doesn't have to be. I am stressed a lot of the time and my life isn't perfect but I know that leaving my xp was the best thing I ever did.

I wish my parents had divorced when I was much, much younger. They were miserable (spectacularly so) for years and it damaged our family tremendously. I used to fantasise that my parents would divorce, the rows and atmosphere would end and that my mum would meet someone nice! I think my mum's life would have been better and she would have been a better parent if she had got out much, much earlier, but for someone born in 1940 it was a big deal to get divorced.

Colditz, I too feel your reactions are completely understandable, and your situation is completely intolerable.

I think it is very unlikely indeed that you can turn him into the sort of partner you (and most of us!) would both want and deserve. And frankly I think life with him is probably going to be even more stressful than life without.

i know i am a lone voice here, and i don't really know enough about your situation to advise. It is very easy to recommend leaving from the situation you describe. But you do need some support if you are going to do this, perhaps someone can come up with some ideas about how you could do this in your present situation? I personally, in a non violent situation [tho agree there is a lot of passive aggression going on on his part] would just try to preserve my peace of mind and protect myself until i feel strong enough. being pregnant you are vulnerable, and tho leaving may be better if you have somewhere to go and some decent support, if you don't have that, i think you should concentrate on protecting yourself and the children and getting thru this time.

I think, in your situation, I would need some support in order to even think clearly about staying in v. getting out of the relationship. Hats off to you for asking for counselling - that would have been my first suggestion, but you're already doing it: you don't sound crazy at ALL to me, just pushed to the limit and in real need of support! Another thought came into my head - hesitate to say it, because I haven't been on MN long enough to know much about your relationship history, but if your DH's drinking is causing a lot of problems in your relationship - and he's not willing to look at it, or go to couples counselling - have you thought of trying an AlAnon meeting? If nothing else, you might get some useful information, or feel a bit clearer...just a thought, anyway.
Being pregnant with a two year old is enough to push most of us to the limit from time to time, but from what you say there is a whole lot more than that going on - and I really hope your GP pulls out the stops to help.

Are you ok Colditz?

Yes am ok, he is asleep. Everything he does irritates me, I am being horrible

Thanks for asking

I don't know, I might give it 6 months as long as he does nothing wrong, and see how I feel then.

I get so angry in the mornings! And I don't know why, I really don't. Things that make me want to scream at 10 am don't bather me at all at 6pm, it is so strange and a little worrying.......

Glad you're ok. You're not being horrible, you're under a lot of pressure and you're feeling the strain.

If you think you can make a go of things then go for it, but don't be scared of being on your own, it's no where near as bad as you might think.

Colditz, this will sound really daft, but are you eating properly in the mornings?

MUCH in the way of sympathy and I get the red mist too so I totally understand the rage thing. But it's FAR worse if I have low blood sugar - DH even tells me to eat something because he knows he'll be treated better if I'm not shrew-eyed with hunger!

Um, actually hunker, you may have a point.

breakfast this morning was a chocolate biscuit but I just don't feel hungry in the mornings, I have no appetite and can't function until I have had a cuppa. But I don't feel hungry until lunchtime!

I get plenty of sleep, but still struggle to get out of bed. I don't know why.

Can you try eating some slow-release carbs in the morning? Bowl of porridge, even a flapjack and a banana?

I really sympathise, it affects me really badly - but since having diabetes this pg, I've eaten more regularly and been better at not having huge peaks and troughs with my blood sugar. It will help your tiredness to be well-nourished too.