My reactions to my partner are starting to frighten me

[colditz]

He has really really upset me over the past month, with gambling us into debt and then being drunk and nasty, but I phoned him at work to ask him to make sure he at least does some housework while I am at work this afternoon.

Well, I had a moan, and he said I don't do any either. I do it all at the minute, but admittedly the houseis a tip. I am pregnant, working and have an active 2 year old, and I feel I can't do this on my own, and indeed refuse to.

He hung up on me.

Now this is the bit that scares me, I took the phone outside and threw it against the wall until it smashed, then stamped on it. I don't know what possessed me. It has really frightened me, I have smashed my own housephone!#

I have a gp appt for Wednesday, I am going to ask for councelling as I feel hideously depressed, but I feel absolutey murderous to my partner at the minute, I am scared of him coming home, but If I tell him not to he will ignore me. Please please help me get a grip on myself

Ok, will make mega effort tomorrow and do porridge for breakfast, as then I will have some too as it is too much hassle for one toddler portion. He usually has cheerios, but likes porridge too.

I think I need to see a counceller too though. I have a real temper problem that doesn't go away after food. It is only directed at dp, it is so strange. Nobody else annoys me like that, no matter what they do.

Yes, think there is rather more than a blood sugar problem here - I hope that the porridge helps a bit though. Will be thinking of you - know how worrying money is without all the other stuff too

thanks

I am off to bed now, Good night and thankyou for chatting to me (and for the support)

Night, sweet - take care and keep us posted x x x

it sounds to me like you are getting angry at your partner because, erm, you are angry at your partner!

You sound really unhappy and trapped in the relationship. you have the best motivations, not wanting the family unit to split and yes, kids find parental split hard - but not as hard as growing up in a sad house with negative vibes - have you ever walked in when people have just had a row? you can feel it, cant you? well, how much worse to live in that?

I do understand - i stay with my dh because i am too scared to try to cope alone, but the difference is there is no hostility between us, ok we are not a husband and wife in the traditional sense, but we have a laugh together and although he drives me mad, we get on! you on the other hand, are not in an amicable relationship where you can just plod along for the sake of the kids.

It is hard and scary, but i truly feel (not that its any of my business, or that i think i get a vote on it!!) that you and your kids would be happier without him - hard as it may be to make that happen and as painful as the initial period of adjustment would be, i am sure you would look back on it and say "I'm glad i left".

wishing you peace and good luck with whatever you decide is your best course of action. xx

Morning Colditz, hope breakfast went down ok - porridge and counselling sounds like a good combo to me. xxx

colditz do remember you broke a phone, you did not hit anybody or crash a car or cut yourself. i know exactly what you mean about scaring yourself, but in fact you took out your rage and stress on something inanimate. the only harm done is a few quid.

when i was depressed/angry i am ashamed to say i used to make complaint calls to the bank/utility company etc and go absolutely postal on them - poor person on the other end of the line then had more stress to deal with through no fault of their own.

do you have a microwave - porridge only 90 seconds and no pan to wash up

Have had my porridge when I got up, despite protests from ds ("Want toast mummy! NO poyyidge!")

I must admit I feel a bit better, even up to going for a walk before work. Tumble dryer has packed up, so going to go and check out the sales for an hour.

I realise most of my temper is in fact pure temper, for good reason, but I must must stop over reacting to very trivial things.

I am even angrier because the sales are on, because I had money in my account that I would have loved to have blitzed in the sales (on sensible items, of course) but I had to withdraw it all to pay the rent in December. Because dp didn't pay it.

I think I need to know that before I give up on this relationship I have given it my best shot, otherwise I will always be wondering what if. If I know I have tried my very best, then in my mind if it does end it can be His Fault, and I don't have to feel too guilty for my children.

agree acnebride - i think you are doing a stirling job colditz in the circumstances. Just think about protecting yourself, the babe and your older babe.

Colditz, from what you've told us here IMO you have giving it a very good chance.

I'm not saying end it now, immediatley but you've been so good to your DP, I could never have forgiven him for the rent thing.

Colditz, i just wanted to say that reading your first post could have been me this time 2 yrs ago.

I split up from my xp due to him having a gambling problem, well, the actual reason we split up was that i could no longer trust him and I was so fed up of the lies, sneakyness, dishonesty cover ups etc.

looking back i stayed with him for much longer than i should have as the last thing i wanted to be was a single parent, as that is how i was brought up and I wanted much better for my dd. More than anything now i wish we had split up before we did.

I thought it would be better for DD to grow up with 2 parents,and that her dad was a ggod dad to her. i thought we could stay together for her sake, but one morning it suddenly hit me as we were arguing in front of her, again, that our relationship was actually having a really bad effect on her and being brought up just by me, could be no worse than putting up with what she had been.

it was hard being on my own at first, but i have realised i am actually in a better financial position now than i was as I know exactly what is coming in and what has to be paid and know 100% that things have been paid and that there wont be any comeback from something unexpected later in the month.

It is the resentment that gets you more than anything so i can totally relate to what you have said about the sales, it's not that you wanted to go out and blow the money...but at least you would have that option!

Soory it's a long one and i hope it makes sense, i just really wanted to say i have ben there and I understand how hard it is! I don't think i will ever completely loose the resentment and anger I have for what my xp done (and I'm not proud to say that I went further than smashing up things in the house...I hit him too) but over the past 2 years I have tried to deal with it, but I still find it hard to think of all the things we missed out on or could have had or done, if he wasn't throwing money away!

Good luck with whatever you decide

agree with whoever made the very good point that it was a PHONE and not a person. sympathies colditz I really hope you can work this out x Enid

Ok, update.

I went to the Gp this morning, and after explaining myself he agreed that I would benefit from councelling, as I seem to have cycles of depression and anxiety.

I couldn't articulate to him quite how blind with rage I felt though, but never mind, he has referred me to the practice counceller who I should see around the end of the month.

Thank you to all for supporting and advising me

And especial thanks to hunker, who pointed out to me that a totally inappropriate breakfast for a pregnant woman will not be doing my emotional state any good. I now have a hot breakfast every day (porridge or eggs) and for 2 days running I have felt a bit better.

Really glad to hear breakfast's helping - and also that you're getting some help from your GP. Had been thinking about you x x x x

Hinker

I have not seen your scan photos for ages......

Apologies Colditz ........

And Colditz, just remember - yes you may feel that you need ways to deal with your anger, but you aren't just flying into rages for no reason. It's not your fault. You're lovely.

glad brekkie and GP feel better. As MI says, given DP's recent gambling problems, and generally unsupportive behaviour, it's no wonder you feel furious. Hopefully counselling will help you figure out how to feel calmer and/or whether you still want to stay in this relationship. Best of luck.

I know there are reasons, but some of the things I rage about, I look back at 2 hours later and that's when it scares me, that I reacted so much to such a little thing. And yet people have commented that I react so calmly to quite big things, so I don't know what is going on with my temper. It's horrible. I hope I can sort it out soon.

colditz, i am a relative newbie to mn but have seen your post and have chatted to you previously about various bits and bobs. I just wanted to say, please be proud of yourself you broke the phone, be proud you got angry about something appropriate.......imo it was appropriate after everything you have been through/are going through. The reason i say this is that i know from my own experience that bottling things up will only lead to floodgates later on. breaking an inanimate object and letting out your rage in a way which is not harmful to yourself or anyone else is healthy i think. I cope with things by self-harming, anger with either myself or others, frustrations, depression, anxiety attacks etc i always take out on myself. I think someone mentioned this earlier on in the thread. Talking to someone , a councillor like you have already arranged will help im sure, but dont be harsh on yourself. You have feelings of anger, and rightly so. Just because your dh is toeing the line now doesnt mean he always has, and it is not always easy to "forget" the way you have been treated, even if you are trying hard to forgive. (((((hugs to you)))))))) hope things continue to improve.