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Original poster

Ddad gone in to hospice today

30 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/04/2011 21:31

I have decided to send him a postcard every day for the rest of his life, as I cannot be there every day.

Is that ok? I plan to be there at the end.

OP posts:

WillieWaggledagger · 28/04/2011 21:32

oh how crappy bibbity, I'm so sorry

the postcards sound a lovely idea

munstersmum · 28/04/2011 21:33

It's a lovely idea. There are no right ways of doing things. Only what feels comfortable to you & your father.

cyb · 28/04/2011 21:35

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Could you send photos too?

travellingwilbury · 28/04/2011 21:35

It sounds like a lovely idea , I am really sorry you even have to think about having to do this .

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/04/2011 21:38

Yes, will do photos although gave him a batch when I saw him at home on Easter Sunday.

He is about two hours drive away. I will go and see him as much as I can.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 28/04/2011 21:45

Aw bibbity. That sounds nice. Do that.

I never got to see my dad in the hospice. We had booked a holiday and when we tried to raise cancelling it, it became awful, like we weren't going because he would be dying that week.
So we went. And he died.

I wish I had said what I needed to.
People always tell you to do that but it is an impossible conversation to start.
He rubbed my arm. I remember that. He wasn't good at the talking thing.

If you send postcards , tell him stuff.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/04/2011 21:49

Oh bibbity, so sorry to hear this I really am, and it is a lovely idea to do that!

If it helps in any way possible, my daunt spent the last week of her life in a hospice, it was amazing. They totally looked after her splendidly and to say she was at peace for those last 7 days is an understatement. They even made sure that her hair was cut and coiffed (sp) without her moving from her bed or even having to lay her head too far back.

I think the worst thing about a hospice is the finality, at my aunts they had a dnr order as standard and for the family there is the that knowledge. But you know what, its bad for all of you and NOT for him and it means hopefully no last days in hospital, if you can't be at home then it really is the next best place.

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/04/2011 21:59

Stepmum says he has already told her he feels more comfortable.

They are going to try to do something about his pain (bone and lung cancer).

He has got a nice room looking on to the garden.

We can visit any time we want.

I have told the children.

Lots of tears here atm.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 28/04/2011 22:01

Oh Bibb.
He will be more comfortable. But so hard.

Thinking of you x

usualsuspect · 28/04/2011 22:03

So sorry

My dad went into a hospice ..they looked after him well

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/04/2011 22:07

So nice of you to post.

Its odd how much mere words on a screen can help.

I just cannot talk about it any more in rl. I have to talk about it to my dh, my dc, my dmum, my dstepmum, my 4 x dsiblings, my dfriends, my dacquaintances at school.

Have got nothing left to say right now.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 28/04/2011 22:10

Do what I do Bibb
Talk much. Say nowt.

But talk here when you need to. The good thing is we don't need anything from you and you don't have to filter.
I'm here all the bloody time....

usualsuspect · 28/04/2011 22:11

I know how hard all the talking is

My head used to spin from it all

take care of yourself

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/04/2011 22:13

I second what the great Pag says - and I am always hanging around and will keep an eye on your thread too if you want a chat!

madamimadam · 28/04/2011 22:17

Bibbity, I'm so sorry. I think your postcards are such a lovely idea.

Thinking of you and your family x

ChildofIsis · 28/04/2011 22:18

I was with my DDad just before the end and we were able to be very honest about the situation and our feelings, a rare thing for us.

Just go with what you feel to be right for you and your family.
I'm still comforted by my final chat with Dad 21yrs later.

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 30/04/2011 20:11

Thanks for listening.

Today I've been told that he has only a couple of weeks left to live .

God, this is torture! Every single time the phone rings it is bad news. The time he has left with us is shrinking and shrinking.

I am going to see him on Tuesday, possibly for the last time. I think I said everything I wanted to say last week, so just going to keep him company now and offer support to my stepmum and to possibly say my goodbyes.

OP posts:

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 30/04/2011 22:16

Bib

usualsuspect · 30/04/2011 22:17

I hated my phone when my dad was ill ...I used to jump a mile every time it rang

But the hospice he was in was not a sad place really ..we had some good times with him there over the last few weeks

I feel for you

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2011 22:21

Bibbity - I am so, so, sorry :(

Is it completely impossible to go up on Tuesday and just stay?

Rindercella · 30/04/2011 22:30

Bibbity, I am so sorry to hear that your dear father has such late stage cancer. I know exactly what you mean about the phone - every time it rings your heart jumps out, thinking that might be the call.

Sending postcards is a lovely, lovely idea. I am sure they will cheer your father up no end. I echo Pag and would say make sure they actually say something meaningful...a shared memory, something you laighed over together, something your DC have done today, how much you love him, etc.

DH was in a hospice for 6 weeks before he came home for the last time. It 'saved' him if that's the right word. The staff were without exception wondeful. The surroundings were beautiful and I could be assured that he was well looked after when I wasn't there. Pain management is something they are expert in, so hopefully that will be a comfort - to see your father's pain lessen.

However hard it is logistically and emotionally, do whatever you need to do. Try not to have any regrets. And be easy on yourself. x

Sirzy · 30/04/2011 22:34

So sorry to read this. The hospices really are fantastic places though. My grandfather was in one before he died (he insisted on dying at home though :( ) and the care couldn't be faulted and the support for the family was amazing.

Waiting for the phone to ring is awful, especially when you know it's imminent :(

Going to stop now as I am filling up, but thoughts with you all. Love the postcard idea x

thefirstMrsDeVere · 30/04/2011 22:54

I am so sorry Bibbity.

Such an awful time for you

I hope your visit is ok on Tuesday although I know it will be so hard.

I agree with what others have said about hospices. They tend to be lovely places with staff who go out of their way to help.

Take care of yourself.

Kandinsky · 30/04/2011 23:03

So sorry Bibbity. I had to face this at the same time last year. We were guided by Dad. Once he had received his terminal diagnosis we gave him plenty of opportunity to talk but he preferred not to. He concentrated on squeezing the last drops out of his life and we felt he knew exactly how much we loved him by our actions rather than words. We are left with wonderful memories of him and were fortunate to be with him as he died.
If you can't be with him the postcards are a lovely idea.
Big hug from me.

TotalChaos · 01/05/2011 09:08

very sorry bibbity, such a sad time for your family.

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