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Original poster

Update on Rindercella's DH

1000 replies

Rindercella · 09/02/2011 12:21

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 25/02/2011 11:32

Rinders, so sorry that you are all having such a rough time. More international love and strength coming your way from Australia - am here through your night if you need to vent away on here. ((((hugs)))) to you all.

FourFortyFour · 25/02/2011 11:59

So sorry that you are going through this. I have nothing useful to say but are thinking of you all.

slimmingsarahandco · 25/02/2011 18:49

much love for you all Rinders x

bellavita · 25/02/2011 20:18

Thinking of you and all of your family Rinders xx

caramelwaffle · 25/02/2011 20:52

Still thinking of your family and you x

BecauseImWorthIt · 25/02/2011 20:59

Rindercella - I have managed to completely miss this thread, which is a bloomin' mystery, seeing as I seem to be here all the time.

I'm so sorry to read about your DH and his current condition, and I am sending you all the good vibes and positive thoughts that I can.

x

maddiemostmerry · 25/02/2011 21:00

Hi Am so sorry to hear this.

I lost my Dad to prostate cancer last year. Like your Richard my Dad seemed too young and too strong. My Dad did become angry and sad, we did find that anti depressants helped him. With hindsight I wish they had been prescibed earlier.

We spent lots of time trying to find ways to make him comfortable and sometimes there are long waits for equipment. Don't be afraid to ask for things which may help and if you don't feel strong enough get other family members to support, writing things down helped me.

I saw another poster mentioned a dvd player, how about an ipod? I did find my dad spent a lot of time thinking about it all and maybe this was his way of dealing with it all. He did like pictures of the family to look at.

I hope I have said nothing that seems insensitive.
My heart is with you and your family.

corns12k · 25/02/2011 22:06

Thinking of you Rindercella x

MavisEnderby · 25/02/2011 22:10

XXXXX.Look after yourself,and your family.You will cope,though it probably doesn't feel like it atm.Awful awful time.Thinking of you xxx

lint · 25/02/2011 22:17

Praying for you Rindercella, take care. xxxxxxxxxxx

MavisEnderby · 25/02/2011 22:18

ps the suggestion re Ipod maybe helps.It sounds daft but when dp was very very ill in icu I bought him an Ipod and he kept it on a lot of the time and wouldn't let the nurses take it off!Even tho he had a trachy in and couldn't talk they could make sense of his non verbal cues!He had a great love of music though,so it may not be for everyone.It is a positive that I have taken from those very dark times that he was able to listen to the music he loved when he was dying.Maybe not for everyone,your dh may not be a music fan,but it may help calm him if you feel it is his sort of thing xxx

PacificDogwood · 25/02/2011 22:18

Rindercella - hugs as I have no words Sad

The hospital palliative care team should be regularly involved in his care if at all possible. Pain can be treated in so many different ways, but his management may need to be adjusted frequently and there should be regular reviews.

Also, I'd second maddie's post about AD - they are not happy pills, will not change his personality, but may just make coping with what he has to cope with a little easier.

I can almost not bear to think of you and your girls and how hard it must be for you to hold it together for them and him. It is good to hear that his family are also there for you. I hope you cough and headaches are better soon.

Wishing you strength and dreams of happier times.

madamimadam · 25/02/2011 23:37

I just wish I could say something more useful than I am thinking of you and your family and praying for you all.

I hope you all have some comfort and rest this weekend, Rindercella. X x x

Original poster
Rindercella · 26/02/2011 11:15

Oh gosh, so many lovely messages. Thank you all so much. Mavis, thank you especially for your kind and thoughtful messages. Maddie, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. And I won't be scared to ask for anything, just sometimes it's difficult to predict exactly what's needed. I spoke to one of the senior nurses yesterday and she said she would make sure occupational health were on board to help at home.

There's some really great advice, thank you - the ADs are a really good idea and something I will investigate further. As is the DVD/iPod. I am actually going to be bringing DH home for the weekend a little bit later and then he needs to be back first thing Monday morning. So looking forward to him being here, but also a little worried about the level of care he will need.

Yesterday was really hard. I saw several teenage girls with their mothers in floods of tears, comforting each other. The grief in their faces was palatable.

The saving grace of our situation is our beautiful, beautiful DDs. They are so happy and manage to make us laugh.

My best friend is coming up for the weekend and hopefully we will manage to get out for lunch for a couple of hours tomorrow. I could really do with a good old chin way with her and a bottle glass of wine or two.

OP posts:
essenceofSES · 26/02/2011 11:40

Rinders - So glad you will be able to bring DH home later until Monday. I'm sure that will help him. Also great that your best friend is coming - she will want to be such a support and listening ear for you I am sure, so make the most if it!
Also, that is a great point about the iPod.

Thinking of you xx

whomovedmychocolate · 26/02/2011 12:22

I'd be grumpy if I was eating the food at that hospital Rinders Wink

Never has food made me so grateful for the cup a soups in my bag!

I hope you have a good weekend with him at home. Stay well. :)

maddiemostmerry · 26/02/2011 12:27

Thank you Rinders. I hope you all have a lovely weekend. I understand you worries about level of care.
You will do the best you can and that will be right for your family.
My Dad passed at home and things that we found useful, V shaped pillow, special mattress, sippy cups, lots of pj's, dressings etc and lots of support from our hospice nurse! Again I don't want to overload you but I am here if needed.

I'm glad Pacific seconded the Ad's, they helped ease the path.

Have a good lunch with your mate

PacificDogwood · 26/02/2011 15:22

I hope you all have a lovely family weekend together at home Smile.

Sending you sunshine - there's lots of it here today for a change.

Flisspaps · 26/02/2011 15:25

Much love to you from sunny Telford, Rinders. Hope that you have a wonderful weekend with DH, DDs and your best friend :)

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/02/2011 19:55

I hope you are all snuggled up together :)

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain

xxx

Portofino · 26/02/2011 20:22

Hoping you have a good weekend. I like Chipping's post!

kuckingfunt · 26/02/2011 20:35

Still thinking of you Rinders.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend with your DH - I bet he is loving being back home with you and your dc's.

I keep thinking about you and am keeping you in my prayers. Its such a difficult road you are on at the moment and my heart goes out to you.

Enjoy your lunch with your friend tomorrow, it will do you good to get out and have a good old chat and a glass or 3 of vino!

oooggs · 26/02/2011 20:37

thinking of you all and sending bucket fulls of strength Smile

Buda · 26/02/2011 20:37

Was thinking about you earlier so glad this thread was still on my 'Threads I am on" as have been away for a week.

Hope DH is well enough to enjoy being home with his girls.

Thinking of you and sending more international vibes from Hungary.

MavisEnderby · 26/02/2011 20:38

Hope you are having a lovely weekend together xx

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