Update on Rindercella's DH

[Rindercella]

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

Thinking of you.Many hugs sweetheart xxxx

Rinders, I'm so sorry. I'm holding you all in my thoughts.

Not sure if I'm repeating past info here so apologies if this is bloomin' useless, but have they considered him for Cyberknife radiotherapy and big steroid doses as well as the chemo? A friend of mine in a similar position (given only a short time to live, hardly eating, lots of pain etc) has been restored to near full operation through a cunning plan like this. Not any clue whether it would be appropriate/already tried, but worth a thought...
(have cancer myself, so I know something of what you're all going through...)
Amber

Oh Rinders

I am so sorry x

Oh Rinders - I'm so sorry. xx

I am thinking of you all. It's such a horrid disease and so very cruel.

Rinders - my love - I am so very, very sorry :(

I know it's entirely different and I'm not trying to compare the two - but my Grandad chose not to have anymore chemo - he said he didn't want to go through it anymore (he had terrible side effects and just the worst mouth ulcers), it really, really hurt me that he made that decision - afterwards I could see why he'd done it, but at the time I just wanted him to go ahead and have the chemo in the hope it would produce a miracle. I couldn't accept the idea that all it would do would be to buy him a little more time - in a great deal of pain :( Please don't be hurt if he just can't face doing it x

Why can't the oncologist come to him? I know they are busy people, but even so... :(

It is a shitty shitty thing to have happened to someone so healthy, athletic, and full of life - with so much to live for.

400m in 50 seconds - it's incredible and well worth repeating!! Life is fucking unfair :(

I am so pleased though that he is here for Jasmine's first birthday - those photos will be a real treasure.

I know you have talked about his funeral before, but if you can do, talk to him some more and find out what he wants. It is very hard choosing the music, hymns (if you have them), readings etc, even the flowers - you want to do what they would have wanted and you feel like you are second guessing all the time and at the time every little detail seems to take on huge importance.

My love, I wish there was something I could do for you to change this or at the very least take some of the pain away for you.... but there isn't :( Just know you have many, many friends here who are thinking of you and will always be here for you and the girls in anyway we can be.

xxx

Rinders So so sorry that he's getting weaker not stronger. So UNFAIR that Jasmine's Daddy probably won't even see her second birthday, and so terrifying that he was fine when she was born but has deteriorated so fast.

I'm really glad that he'll at the very least be around for her first birthday. I hope it's as special a day as you can make it.

I'm a bit of a lurker and i've just read your last post and i just wanted to say that although the prognosis is absolutely awful - the worst, in fact, so unfair and unjust. I wish the words and thoughts of all the MNers thinking of you would magic him better.

But I also hope somehow you manage to have good memories tomorrow for your daughter's first birthday. That you all enjoy it and take a million photos of all of you together.

In my thoughts x

oh rinders, my heart aches for you. i am so sorry that things are looking so imminently bleak.

oh rinders, my heart aches for you. i am so sorry that things are looking so imminently bleak.

I hope tomorrow brings an improvement for you baby's first birthday. So sorry you are going through all this crap.

Rinders, I don't know what to say but please know that I am thinking of you and Richard and the girls. I hope that Jasmine has a fantastic first birthday - it is a blessing that she will have her Daddy there for it and in years to come I'm sure she will appreciate that. Remember also that photos and video can make memories and shape them too, which may help when you are trying to give such a small child some recollection of her lovely father.

Also, I think I am only an hour or so away from you so if ever there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. Perhaps - presumably? - you won't be at our MMM next weekend but we will all be thinking of you.

So sorry :(

Even six months ago Richard was such a strong vibrant man, it's inconceivable that he could turn into a patient - it's just not him. :(

So, so sorry Rinders. You know we are around the corner if you need anything - I meant what I said about if you need to go suddenly in the night - DH will cope, if you need to stay over unexpectedly at the hostel. I can even come and pick you up (or the kids) if needs be and ferry you - you aren't going to be in a fit state to drive. :(

You know DH's first wife went through this and she was being given every treatment money could offer but since she was diagnosed at stage 4, it was never going to lead to recovery and eventually a mild infection took her. :(

But they'd decided to stop treatment a week or so before anyway, sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

Not prostate cancer obviously, she had non specific primary which is where you have cancer pretty much everywhere as a first symptom. :(

So sorry
Hope you can have a special day tomorrow

oh Rinders :( thinking of you.

thinking of you all xx

I hope tomorrow goes well - it will be one of those days that will be in your memory for ever.

So sorry Rindercella, I hope you all have a lovely birthday with your DD.

oh god Rinders, my heart is breaking for you. had been about to post something witty bout your date night. I dont "know" you and your beautiful family but have been following your thread (only posted once or twice) and can only think in 4 letter words.

we are telling you how strong you and i bet you're sitting at your pc shaking your head saying "no i'm not, am just getting on with it".

its shite, fuckin shite. the shitiest fuckiest bloodiest crappiest fucked up shite. i really have no more words to help you, just know we are here to listen to you and hold you up.

Rindercella - I am so sorry to read your update. Even when you suspect or half know that this is where you are going it is still so very, very painful where your worst fears are realised.
If Richard wants to talk about the chemo then of course he should but tbh I think he is at the point where having the chemo and doing the travelling may actually not show a benefit at all. He may feel that he is letting you down though, if he doesn't have it - so you need to tell him how you feel about that. Can you contemplate him stopping treatment - because if you can you need to try and tell him that to give him 'permission' as it were to stop if he wants to.
I hope with all my heart you have a good day tomorrow for your daughter's birthday. It's horribly unfair that she won't remember him but she will always have him in her life because he is in all your hearts.
No disease, no diminishing of energy or ability, no death can take that from us.

Oh lovely Rinders, so sorry to read the latest news. Take care and I hope that tomorrow is a wonderful day and that the sun shines brightly for you all.

I will be thinking of you all. God bless and lots of love XXX

Oh Rinders. How shitty shitty shitty. I am sorry. Bastarding disease.

I wish I had a magic wand.