Update on Rindercella's DH

[Rindercella]

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

Sorry to read that things are very difficult and you are also feeling ill.
We found the main hospital oncology ward pretty dire, it was quite usual to go into see steve and find his drugs had just been left on his table.
Steve was very confused and made various attempts to leave the ward, or going round the ward looking for something we never found out what.
He got a week in our hospice to sort out his meds and they really couldn't have been more caring and helpful and very welcoming to the kids, they brought them Easter eggs and fizzy pop and lots of lovely things.
Hospices have higher staffing than general oncology wards IMHO.
if it hadn't been for the hospice staff pushing for a 24/7 care package, we wouldn't have been able to fulfill Steves wish to be at home with me and our three children for his last 9 weeks.

Hospices are amazing places - the people who work there really are angels.

Rinders - I'm really glad you had told those people now, people would want to know and do what they can to help you all. It's lovely that you feel so supported at the minute :)

How are you feeling now - has your 'flu' (or whatever it was??) gone? You really must look after yourself as well x

The hospice you are using is amazing. I've done a bit of fundraising for them in the past and the staff there care so much about what they do, it's a very positive place. :)

Take care, try and get a bit of sleep now xx.

I agree - hospices are the most amazing facilities with wonderful staff, generally.

Rinders - sorry to hear your DH has lost the use of his left arm - let's hope that's temporary. Very pleased to hear that you are getting lots of support from friends now.
Hope you are feeling a little better - take lots of vitamins to keep your strength and immune systme up (bet you're not eating 100% properly, are you?)

Big hugs for you all. x

Thanks for updating. Have been wondering how you are doing.

The hospice sounds like the best plan. I can't understand how hospitals can be so crap. It is so sad.

Take care.

- whole bunch for you

Oh god. How am I going to cope without him ??????? I just can't. How am I going to bring our two babies up? It's not fucking fair

Ive not posted before but want to say I think you are coping so amazingly well, Im sure that doesnt help but I just wanted to say something to you.

Your strength and love is so strong I can almost touch it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all x

I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for your whole family and friends that you are having to live with this. .

Take care of yourself x.

Rinders, it's not fucking fair. It's not.

Oh love.

It's SO not fair. I know.

So very sorry. My Nan sadly passed away with bowel cancer. Can only imagine how hard it must be for you and your family. Thinking of you.

You will do it, Rinders, honestly you will. The grief will be awful but gradually you will get through the days and you will carry on being the fantastic mum you already are.

They have known their daddy's love, and that too will carry on.

x

You will cope because you have to. And because you are a bloody good mum. Also there are a lot of people around who will help you. You will have company when you want it and when you need it too.

Try if you can to capture special moments. Take a picnic to the hospice and if he can get outside have it outside with the kids - I know it's cold but just wrap up - the daffodils were looking lovely a few weeks ago when we visited there - take some photos too if you can, so you have some time when it's not about the cancer, it's about the family. :)

One of my best friends (female) lost her mum when she was very small - about the same age as your DD1. She still remembers her (she died of breast cancer) and she remembers cuddling her before she died and that actually it was nice to be able to hold her because she never sat down before she got sick. Kids have an amazing ability to see the good in the world and be thankful for it and we could learn a lot from them.

But you will get through this. Don't even take it a day at a time, take it a cup of tea at a time. And if you end up sobbing into the mug, so what? Just keep on going.

Rinders - it's not fucking fair :( It's just not :( He's a wonderful, loving, kind, generous man and this should not be happening to him, you, your girls - friends & family. It just shouldn't. You are right to be angry, it's not right and it's not fair :( Come & rage when you need to x

You will cope because you have two girls and you have NO sodding choice. The sun will come up and the sun will go down and somehow you will get through each day - you just will. Try not to worry about it just now as it wont make it any easier in the future :(

A little saying which has I helped me is

'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain'.

Try to make the most of every moment you all have together, take photos, videos, watch silly films and try really, really hard to live in the moment at those times.

We're all here for you - I wish there was more we could do and I hope if you can think of anything you will let us know x

You're right - it's not fucking fair but you will cope. I have every faith in you - it will be bloody hard but you'll manage. I'm so sorry.

Rinders, I just came to on to see how you and your family were doing - I'm so sorry you had to have words with the hospital. I hope your husband is more comfortable now and you've managed to have some time to look after yourself, too.

Please, please - if there is anything we can do to make life easier for you, please let us know.

And I am so, so, so sorry you and your family have to endure this.
Another one sending love and a virtual hug x

You are right it is unfair and it makes no sense and you've every right to feel cheated.
Time is so precious however long that time may be. Make memories, I was in a similar position exactly three years ago and had a huge amount of support from here, one piece of advice was....housework does not make memories. Get other people to do the housework, shopping etc, that will make others feel useful and give your family unit time to spend together.

So dreadfully unfair. I haven't posted before as I have no valuable advice....you sound amazing the way you are coping with this awful situation. I'm so sorry.

Have a huge hug from Japan.

It not fair sweetie, it never is. You will cope because you have to, because your kids need you too.
loads of hugs and prayers for you sweetie. x

No it's not fair. It's unbearable but somehow we have to bear it.Things are really not good with bil. My sister is being amazing, beyond amazing and I don't know where that comes from but she's got it and you will have it too.

so very sorry god bless you all

thinking and praying for you all

Thinking and praying for you all x