Can anyone tell me what is wrong with him?

[StartingAfresh]

My Dad used to talk for England.

Since mid-September he has barely said a word. Just grunts one word answers.

He wears his coat all day every day and I don't think he ever showers or baths.

He sits and stares into space a lot, but sometimes he'll do something requiring lots of detail like seperate packaging from the bubble wrap very carefully and then neatly fold both before puting the bubble wrap into the bin and the packaging into the recycling.

I don't think he is paying his bills but won't give a straight answer. If I ask if he has got financial troubles he replies 'of course', but that would have been his answer 10 years ago. He has always liked to play a victim-type.

BECAUSE he has always liked to play the victim type and because he is generally an awkward bugger (also very controlling) I can't get to the bottom of what is going on.

Has anyone got any clues?

Many tia.

Depression or dementia would be my guess. But it is only a guess.
Would he agree to see his doctor?

Well it took some doing, but he's going tomorrow. But he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.

He's 64 so not very old really.

At least you've got the ball rolling. Dementia can start young (rare), but depression can begin at any age.
Good luck.

I suppose I feel that feminism will have won through when workplaces, leisure facilities are family-orientated and have woman and her biological make up at the centre and this is seen as the norm, and she is not penalised for it.

When subsidied staff canteens/expenses/travel extend to creches and childcare.

When wages are based on outcomes not time spent in an office.

When workplaces aren't seen as 'unprofessional' because children and babies are on the premises.

When women and their babies are seen as a valuable part of our productive society.

That is IMO true feminism.

NOT apologising for and disguising the very features that make us women. Not handing over our children to others away from the workplace and pretending during our productive hours that they don't exist. Not dealing with the conflict of attendance in an office and attendance at child's medical appointment.

Opps, - wrong thread

Does depression make you gaunt and hobble lots?

Does it make you sit in a corner and stare at a tear in the wall from every angle for a couple of hours?

Okay, so I looked up dementia and he has all the symptoms, definately.

But the confusing thing is, he's always had all the symptoms

Endogenous depression presents like this.

A friend of mine's father had depression which presented as sitting and staring and not talking, it actually went on for years because he refused treatment. But eventually he did get treated and he was like a changed man it made an incredible difference.

My dad has alzheimers and it really started with forgetfulness, but there are different types of dementia and lots of different symptoms.

Its good you've got him to go to the GP, because he can get started on some treatment whatever it is.

'But have the symptoms got worse? Or is he getting worse at hiding them?'

Yes, he is worse. Much worse.

But things that would look odd to you and me he has just always done. Like never able to find his car keys. Stay up til 5am and sleep til 3pm. Wear loads of layers in the house. Forget what day of the week it is unless he has a very strict routine (he was a teacher so in term time he was fine, but in the holidays he never knew what day it was), not remember what happened a month ago. Unable to plan anything so do it all at the last minute and with only half the equipment.

He has ALWAYS been like that. ALWAYS.

But I just saw a picture of him from August and he was fat and smiling. He was Morris Dancing fgs (yes really) He is a ghost now who hobbles around the house with his coat on and never ever raises his arms above his waist.

And he goes through the bin. Taking out stuff that might be able to be used for something else.

(Actually he was always a horder too, but more old wood and bricks, not usually crisp packets and egg boxes)

Gosh its really hard isn't it when something like this happens? Obviously his behaviour is somewhat strange, my dad does tend to tidy obsessively (if my mum puts her glasses on the table for a second he will shove them in a draw etc.)

Is anyone going to the GP with him, so that all these things can be brought up?, its possible he will get a referral to a psychiatrist (that's what happened with my father) and they will do more extensive tests.

I hop you get some answers soon, it's a worry I know

hope

Thanks. I 'think' my mum is going to try and go with him to the GP, but I know he wasn't keen on the idea, and although booked an appointment (After much nagging) booked it on the only day she said she couldn't do.

(They are seperated and he lives 300 miles away from her (and me) so it does take quite some effort for her to do this - he has been living in my mums house since Christmas on account that he kept booking and then missing his train because he didn't realise it was that day)

His house has no heating or outter door on it because he got some builders in to do some work and didn't pay them so they came when he wasn't there and knocked it out.

He lived like that with no heating or door during all the snow. I think that is why he wears his coat all the time even in my mum's house now.

tbh, it sounds like there's probably been depression there for a long time, but his work life has perhaps enabled him to live with it to a point. Now that he's retired it's made its way to the surface and is starting to take over.

He really needs to see his GP.

Depression can also affect the memory and cognition, so it's not necessarily dementia. I'd say it does sound like endogenous depression which does become part of the person's personality rather than situational (reactive) depression which is often curable.

Hmm, I looked it up and the treatment seems to be CBT.

How can someone who cannot remember an appointment, cannot drive, cannot read bus timetables due to dyselxia (aparently - he could read them fine before his dx) to get him to appointments, cannot get up before the afternoon, cannot hear (wears hearing aids but can never find them or drops them in his tea and they rarely have batteries in anyway) and requires asking a question about six times before he looks at you and shrugs or responds after 6 minutes staring at you 'what was the question again?'

I can't see how CBT will help with that. If it IS depression he's doomed.

No, he's not doomed. He'll be given medication in order to deal with the immediate problems - the ones you describe - after that you can worry about CBT.

He needs medication to pull him out of his current state, then he'll be able to respond more effectively to help that's offered. He can be given a Community Psychiatric Nurse who visits you in your own home and gives individualised support/help. Please don't think there's no help out there.

I wonder if the Mind website might have some useful info. They probably have a helpline you could phone for some advice.

If it's endogenous depression then CBT isn't the first line of treatment. It's reactive depression that responds best to CBT.

Mind Website Here

Another thing which sounds strange, but don't dismiss is that he may be a lifelong sufferer of attention deficit disorder.

There's many adults out there who've never been identified or diagnosed and just put their daily struggles down to personality type or something.

My ds1 has adhd and looking at my ExP (his father) he shows traits of it as well. He's forty odd.

The way you describe your father as always having been like this sounds familiar - they sound like attention deficit symptoms. add/adhd people need routine, are often controlling - because they're terrified of losing control - and talk none stop. They lose everything, can't focus or concentrate, are disorganised and forget everything.

Also, people with add/adhd often suffer from things like dyslexia/dyspraxia and are prone to depression because they find life such a struggle, but don't know why because they've never been diagnosed.

It's not just the current generation of kids who suffer from this disorder. It was first described about a century ago.

Well my Dad became a teacher because he thought his teachers were shite and never broke things down enough or taught the way he learned. He was a fantastic teacher by all accounts. But he didn't believe in dyslexia or ADHD for that matter as he put it all down to crap ineffective, inappropriate teaching.

He has old students (now in their 30s/40s) that he taught in an old East inner-London primary that swear he saved their lives and occassionally pop up from nowhere for a chat.

(he taught them to morris dance to a world class standard and took them around the world on sponsorships - yes really)

I spoke to one in August that had seen him just previously and he admitted that he was harder work than he thought it had to be.

He's a complex old fella, that's for sure. He ain't gonna like someone telling him he's got the condition he was trying to teach out of kids. I reckon it will send him into worse depression although quite honestly, with this ADHD thing I can see what you mean.

Incidently, my ds has ASD and is the spitting image.

Startingafresh - perhaps you could call and see if you can speak to his GP? Say that you understand the confidentiality issues but that your dad is coming in to see him (under duress) and you're not sure he'll give him a true picture of what's going on.

It does sound like depression at the very least.

adhd isn't down to poor parenting, although poor parenting can make it worse. It's due to an underdevelopment of the frontal lobes. I know a lot of people don't think it exists, but that's because they haven't actually raised a child with it. It's an extremely difficult disorder to both live with and deal with.

I agree that suggesting it might make him worse, but it's worth you researching it to see if there's anything you can do to help him. I get my ds1 to make lists for himself and only tell him to do one thing at a time. I don't let him control us and make sure he has a rigid routine.

Personally, I find them hard to deal with because they need a lot of care, but will refuse to listen to you or accept guidance.